FEATURE: State of the Union Address: Translated!

Thank you. Mr. Speaker. Good evening ladies, gentlemen, and the old, homosexual congressman on my lower left. Hi, Barney! I am honored to have the opportunity to squint, smirk and smile smugly for the next hour or so. As you incessantly applaud my every fumbled and mispronounced word, I implore that you give me the dignity and respect you would give any well-dressed rich kid with access to nuclular weapons.

As you know, Dick Cheney has just finished typing up our budget proposal that promotes the American family, national security and the phrase “faith-based programs” as secret code for converting pesky Jews, Hindus and Muslims to real, God-fearing Americans.

First and foremost, I would like to discuss the American family. I know and love the American family, in fact, I am one. To illustrate this, I have scoured the poorest barrios for a married Puerto Rican couple to sit strategically next to my wife, who will squirm uncomfortably in her chair until they leave. Mr. and Mrs. Ramos, please take a bow! To convey the plight of the Ramos family, I will now pander to all Latinos by speaking a phrase in Spanish: “Mis avios de pesca es en la cocina.” That’s right, “my fishing gear is in the kitchen”. As a result of an otherwise wasteful Ivy League education, I can also say “baño”, “casa” and “ciudad”.

Education is critical to this great nation. In Texas, we developed numerous ways to test students and make teachers more accountable. My plan is to pass every one of these tests.

To show my commitment to education, my spin-doctors have just surrounded my wife with retarded children. My wife and I love these children like our own. In fact, they will remain at her side until every member of the subversive, liberal press takes their picture. At that point, the children will go back to knitting sweaters for Kmart.

In a related issue, racial profiling remains a blight on our nation. That is why I have proposed a bill to stop Dick Cheney from searching for token minorities to sit next to my wife during national speeches.

We also need a national defense system to prevent the French from ever siding with us again. I propose to blanket the entire country with Saran Wrap to ensure that neither hostile missiles nor freezer burn will ever threaten national treasures like Camp David or other resort areas from which I will receive periodic updates from Dick Cheney.

To meet the health care needs of America's seniors, we will double Medicare over the next 10 years, as long as everyone dies by age 72. By executing all seniors who attempt to reach 73, we will save enough money to cut taxes for all Americans. The days of being overcharged for healthcare, social security, pardons and Oval Office furniture are over. On behalf of all Americans, I am your refund.

Tonight, our prayers are with one of our own, Congressman Joe Moakley, who is suffering from testicular cancer. This president promises to defeat to any disease that threatens bureaucrats. That is why I have personally spent the last 12 hours testing each and every congressman for testicular cancer. I am proud to say that only Senator Clinton will require a second opinion.

Some people say my budget is too big; others say it’s too small. That’s what they said about Dick Cheney. But, just like my budget, Dick is just right. To conclude, please remember that bipartisanship is more than just our duty. It is also a hard word to spell.

by faktorial.com - where we'd rather go back to interpreting baboons