FEATURE: Saving the World One Snack at a Time

Well, I've got another international flight coming up - this Friday the 13th(!). As I pack my pants and fold that shirt with the tomato sauce specs I hope no one will notice, I can't help but think of the things I'd really like to pack - a Pope bubble and a pitbull. If you've traveled recently, you probably understand. At any given moment at an airport near you, a former fry cook is feeling up an 80 year old white woman searching for a bomb. As the actual terrorists waiting on line begin to complain, our speculation is confirmed - the only weapon Inspector McNugget will find is a pair of loaded Depends and a tube of Ben Gay. So the roulette wheel of travel spins, as I scour my dresser for just one more pair of clean underwear. Hmm…here's a pair from 8th grade. Good enough.

As a writing teacher once told me - "You're standing on my foot!" Wait, that's not the quote. It's this: "Making people cry is easy, but making them think is hard." Another tearful tribute will not bring the victims back. Averting further destruction is the hard part. Luckily, I figured it all out on my train ride. This should save you some time in case you were working on this too. The answer? It's pretty simple - Britney Spears! (I bet you thought I’d say Gary Coleman.) Read on and it will all make sense.

So where are we now? Our cross-eyed simpleton President, who has spent 42% of his presidency at leisure destinations, has successfully scattered a band of hairy nomads from Afghanistan to neighboring regions so they can live to kill another day. We then secretly replaced these illiterate barbarians with a puppet government hobbled by mercenaries known as "warlords". Will the long-suffering people of Afghanistan even notice a difference? We've also taken on a lifetime of Michael Jackson surgeries worth of expenses to protect and develop that country. Can Starbucks and Ronald McDonald in a Burka be far behind?

Now, Alfred E. President wants to attack Iraq. Even our brilliant intelligence sources say Iraq is close to building a nuclear missile albeit with the range of a paper airplane carrying scissors. If we do attack, we'll be the sole Sugar Daddy for Iraq for years. Those $500 billion could be better spent filming the ‘Adventures of Pluto Nash’ trilogy. If we must take unilateral military action, I suggest invading Saudi Arabia. Those sheiks have been exploiting their people for years and funding the very fundamentalism that yielded eleven of last year’s attackers. The logic is simple: 1) there will be no bloodshed - they are defended by Teletubbies; 2) we'll have a base to monitor the region and film future episodes of “Blind (and Tortured) Date” and, 3) we get enough oil to tease the hair of every girl in Bensonhurst - for a millennium. Of course, this would never happen. Why? The Bush family, Dick Cheney and senior administration officials have extensive financial ties with the Saudis. Why screw up a good thing? Sorry, Bensonhurst!

That brings me to the big issue: blowing up Jews and Americans. As my math professor once told me - "There's toilet paper on your shoe." He then said, "Sometimes, the right answer is the simple one." To put it simply, the root of Arab hatred is envy and resentment - not land. For years, Israelis have prospered on what was once a tiny plot of worthless dirt. Relative to surrounding Arab states, Israel is the size of a dime on a football field. So to think this conflict is mostly about land is to dress Rosie O'Donnel in a bikini and blame the lip gloss.

While Israel built a prosperous democracy, oil-rich Arab governments promoted tooth decay, running with scissors and stoning compulsive masturbators. Moreover, they did nothing to promote industry, culture or civil liberties. Instead, these wealthy minorities fueled a staggering mass-ignorance. With fundamentalist Islam as their weapon of choice, they’ve successfully concealed the real enemy – Justin Timberlake. Seriously, if desperate Palestinian families weren't so busy taking Arafat's cash to strap bombs to their children, they might start asking how Arafat got to be worth $6 Billion. Was it his award winning line of headwear? Or did he win the big Iran-Iraq-Syria Powerball Lottery?

Naturally, Jews and Americans make great scapegoats (and pastries). Jews - because they live so well, so close to scores of oppressed Arabs. And because they found a way to grow oranges in the desert at a cost $45 apiece and still sell them for $0.79 a kilo. As for Americans - let's face it, our McCulture is everywhere. An orphan in Kabul is more likely to know the name of the loser on American Idol (Justin - you were robbed!!!) than simple division (two hijacked aid trucks times thirty bags of flour each divided by three warlords equals? Equals?!!?! Stupid kids....).

Like Anna Nicole explaining the Pythagorean Theorem, we have yet to address the short-term threat of terrorism. Our enemy walks among us just waiting for new instructions. Forty year old "students" from the Middle East roam freely on visas that sport names like “Al Queda” and “Mohammed Atta Killya” just because they can. In some states, you can still get a free flight lesson if you buy three lap dances and a Coke - no questions asked. And journalists just snuck three swords, five grenades and a pygmy with a blow-dart on 14 planes across the country. Still, no conclusive national ID or information sharing plans have been adopted. I do hear, however, that George W. suggested we can save time by detaining only those people who have not yet been on a reality TV show.

Ultimately, our feeble politicians will resolve the short-term issues. In the long run, our greatest weapon will be - have you guessed yet? That's right - Britney Spears. And when I say "Britney Spears", I mean it as a euphemism for all things great and shallow about our culture. As I travel through Europe and meet people from all over the globe, it is shocking how powerful and influential we are. Everyone knows Arnold (even though he's technically imported, he was assembled here). Check out the CD collections of kids in France - they might hate us, but they all speak English and buy 'N Sync (or at least, download it on Kazaa). Bruce Willis movies have been dubbed into 80 languages. Bruce Willis!!!!!!!

Unlike most solutions that tell you the 'what'. I also have the 'how'. And it not only applies to Middle Eastern Nations, but to North Korea, China and other nations with gauche wardrobe options. (I've waited 29 years to use 'gauche' in a sentence.) Here are the primary components of my solution:

1. Immediately start dubbing our catalog of movies and TV shows into Arabic. (Perhaps we don't start with Seinfeld right off the bat.)
2. Begin building an all-Arabic, US-friendly news network. Develop creative original programming with guidance from our many brilliant creative minds. (Howard Stern, start packing!)
3. Secretly fund multiple Arab-owned companies situated in the Middle East to install free satellite systems and internet kiosks in bars, cafés and other public places.
4. Provide (carefully laundered) funds to private Arab citizens to build public, non-religious schools across the Middle East. (Of course, we’ll need a call from our President...hmm...better make that our Vice President or Tony Soprano to gently “encourage” cooperation.)
5. Finally, we begin beaming our images of wealth, happiness, personal freedom and sublime grooming habits to all points Arabic.

You guessed it - before long, even hardened ex-terrorists will have man-boobs and demand the right to watch them grow while watching TRL on MTV. Soon there will be implants under those Burkas and we will have won. All it will take is a little time and a lot of potato chips. Go America!

...now what did I do with my remote?


by faktorial.com - where satire goes horribly, horribly wrong