FEATURE: My War Against Baguettes, Burkas and "The Bachelor"

Ok, I’ve never really made it much of a secret, but in case you never cared to ask – I don’t like the French. From their award winning interior design for World War II concentration camps near Paris to their recent shenanigans at the UN Security Council, the French have elevated cowardice to a bizarre form of art. …as if layering any stray piece of dough with gobs of butter wasn’t enough reason to bomb that big, out-of-order antenna they call the Eiffel Tower. The French have finally pushed me to brink – no more filet mignon, hors d’oeuvres, soufflé, French fries, bleu cheese...I’m getting hungry. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have punched the waiter at Le Cirque. It’s not like I was dining there or anything.

Before I get into my plan for bombing the Cannes Film Festival, let’s discuss the more urgent reason you should read the rest of this brilliant piece (or desperate cry for a hobby). While not quite at the brink of World War III, we, as members of the civilized world, are at a turning point. Our dilemma is one of order and civility versus disorder and mayhem and we all must take a stand. George W. took a stand. Unfortunately, Michael Jackson has more credibility (not to mention supple, young hostages) in Europe than GW. Why? Simply, Europeans do not respond well to blunt, self-righteous nincompoops with an exalted sense of moral clarity. Unfortunately, we have exactly one of these and we call him President. Instead of seizing the opportunity after September 11th to bring the world to our side, George has often alienated and divided – not so much with ‘what’ he represented, but ‘how’ he did it. But, like a zit on prom night, we are stuck with the fancy dress, the rented limo and little choice but to go to the dance.


To war or not to war. That is the question. I’m no fan of war. I hate violence. I still send flowers to Colorado every time they kill Kenny on ‘South Park’. Sometimes, however, war is the only way. The question in Iraq is not quite so clear. On one hand, a war would 1) suppress a rogue state; 2) provide us with a base of operations in a region where Americans are only slightly more popular than lice and cholera; and 3) allow our hypocrite celebrities to run their SUV’s more economically. Conversely, war does little to address the deep-ceded ignorance (a.k.a. Islamic Fundamentalism) and festering hatred towards the West promoted by wealthy Arab regimes (as a means of controlling their impoverished masses). To date, our administration’s best long-term proposal for the region included several Taco Bell chalupas, a deep discount on Jimmy Kimmel Show re-runs and a free concert by Corey Feldman and three of the Backstreet Boys.

In the short term, war will fuel terrorism, limit personal freedoms and cost a fortune - at a time when our economy looks much like Stephen Segal trying to do a leg kick. Honestly, I’m not too worried about the cost. What the government is not telling us is that we are no more than ravenous skanks in a game of ‘Who Wants to Bomb a Billionaire?’ The cost of every missile accidentally launched into an Iraqi nail clipper factory will be recouped tenfold in lower oil prices. And don’t think OPEC isn’t strapping on diapers. They know once we gain access to Iraq’s vast oil reserves, we are more likely to see an Ariel Sharon book-signing in Lebanon than the lofty $35 a barrel we currently pay. Goodbye, fancy turbans… Hello, cold pizza and basic cable.

So what’s the answer? Do the French have a point, or just poor hygiene? Do we give inspectors more time? Or, do we turn Baghdad into Pompeii? Well, I have a sneaky suspicion that OPEC nations are desperately trying to take out Hussein – peacefully or otherwise. If they do not beat us to it, I believe we have to fight. I don’t say this lightly. Ideally, we should do so with UN support, but at this point, only an Oscar for Tom Green seems less likely. In fact, by opposing the removal of Hussein, the UN may be sealing its own fate. By allowing Iraq to go unchecked for years, falling for systemic trickery and failing to act with resolve, the UN has turned into the current version of the Rolling Stones: expensive, irrelevant and slightly painful to look at.

Ultimately, Iraq may be our best opportunity to violently drag - like a straight man to a Judy Garland tribute – a major Arab state towards progressive secularism. This “model state” would be a first step in a long and painful evolution towards a peace that only our great grandchildren and Dick Clark will live to see. To do this right, we will need a better long-term plan and bushels of the Girls of Ramadan calendar. I trust Dick Cheney is working on this between defibrillations. When not vigorously massaging Gimpy Dick’s rock-hard arteries, Colin Powell and the rest of the Cabinet are fairly capable, if not rational, war-mongers. In their hands, we will have a quick, decisive victory that we can enjoy from the comfort of our own televisions. (Time Warner just added Missile Launch On-Demand to channel 1053 on Manhattan cable. For an extra $3 a month, you get to vote an obnoxious general or a way-too-hot-for-her-own-good military nurse off the desert each week.) …and did I just get away with using ‘dick’, ‘gimpy’ and ‘rock-hard’ like 14 times in one paragraph?

After our victory, we must also make meaningful change within our own borders. Most importantly, by reducing our dependence on oil, ‘The Bachelor’ and the Atkins diet. First, the oil. We created this beast – now we must slay it. Car, oil and manufacturing companies have continually lobbied (bribed) politicians to suppress research and development of alternative energy sources, conservation legislation and even use of long-existing technologies such as ethanol-fueled cars (used for years Brazil and admired from afar by Susan Sarandon). It is only through more sensible consumption, alternative energy and internment of SUV owners that we can ensure our long term independence.

Getting back to our impending victory in Iraq… Guess who will be nipping on the heals of our success - the French - contributing aid and “peacekeeping forces” in exchange for their piece of the action. France, how do you sleep at night? So cowardly and irrelevant, yet utterly unwilling to face it. Now, go finish that stupid tower! …what’s it gonna be?

...stay tuned for the next installment when we will learn why North Korea doesn't really exist, how to protect your pets from terrorist attacks, and ways to get the best deal on a weekend getaway to Afghanistan.

- by faktorial.com - where baguettes are weapons of deadly satire