FEATURE: My Firsst Forrengn Polycee by Georg UU. Bush

Admittedly, I started writing this before I knew what a stack of naked Iraqi prisoners looked like. It was also before Michael Eisner secretly helped make ‘Fahrenheit 9/11’ the hip way to enjoy the fall of a great civilization – with buttered popcorn! Mmmm…yummy. And all this time, I thought Michael Moore was working on ‘Super Size Me’. Like catching your parents practicing the Kama Sutra, it’s almost impossible to shake the movie’s image of our glassy-eyed President continuing to read “My Pet Goat” to kindergarteners after learning two planes crashed into the World Trade Center. It’s not that the Bush years have been all bad…I still don’t know what Flintstone’s Cipro Chewables taste like or what not to wear to a nuclear holocaust. In this blissfully cheerful commentary, I’ll cover how this administration’s foreign policy has jeopardized American security, our international credibility and our chances of ever getting the French to bathe regularly. I will also reveal Dick Cheney's secret plan to liberate Mars from the tyrannical rule of Gargamel Khomeini. In my next faktorial, I'll expose the diabolical brilliance of the Cheney/Bush domestic policies and how the Democrats have helped them get away with it!

Don't get me wrong, I do admire one thing about this administration, and religious rightists in general: they seem to have a remarkable clarity of vision. Of course, so did Attila the Hun, Hirohito, and Colonel Sanders. And aside from its Crusade-like stench, I’m not altogether against a Middle East makeover. I’d prefer to think of it more as a ‘Queer Eye for the Fundamentalist Guy’. (“See how much brighter this makes your cave look!” or “These burkas are hideous! All black?!? You dress like every day’s a funera…sorry.”) Regardless, a more democratic, economically interdependent, and Big Mac-engorged Middle East would be in everyone’s best interest. Instead of making this case to world leaders and subversively pressuring Arab states to reform, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Bush blazed into Iraq. In fact, on September 12, 2001, Richard Clarke (the terrorism czar) told Bush there was no link between Iraq and Al Qaeda. Bush’s response? “Then find one!” Bush proceeded to read Clarke a small passage from “My Pet Goat” before making a smiley face in his mashed potatoes and soiling his Captain America Underoos.

Iraq isn’t the only problem. Generally, this administration’s foreign policy has been driven by three major forces: complacency, arrogance, and the Easter Bunny. First, complacency. Before 9/11, Bush received a memo stating a terrorist attack on our airlines was imminent. No one budged. (Almost no one – Condoleezza Rice made a paper airplane out of the memo and threw it at Paul Wolfowitz. When it got stuck in his hair, everyone laughed and laughed.) Later, the administration blamed its non-response on "the structure of government", "lack of budget" and that the memo was "not specific." Not specific?? It’s never specific!! If it is, guess what, you are the terrorist! And how much budget do you need to call 10 flight schools to get the list of students who consistently skipped the "Landing, Not Into a Building" class?

Arrogance? Not my Bush! Well, a few examples come to mind: 1) Dismissing UN weapons inspectors’ findings of “no WMD’s” like they’d been written by Ashton Kutcher. 2) Refusing to find funding partners for the ridiculously expensive rebuilding of Iraq before we bombed every gold-encrusted toilet Hussein ever sat on. (Our actual cost is estimated somewhere between the GDP of Mexico and the whitening of Michael Jackson). 3) Blatantly handing out fat contracts to Halliburton and other oil buddies...In fact, euphoric Exxon-Mobile executives even trickled some oil into the Tigris, drunkenly screaming, “There’s more where that came from, Bitch!!” My guess is the administration’s waiting for its second term to unleash the really outrageous stuff like annexing Canada, planting crack on Chirac, and executing Whoopi Goldberg.

Like clerics and Cub Scouts, religion and politics just shouldn’t mix. Bush’s actions, however, reveal a deeply-rooted, religious self-righteousness. Who could forget the 2000 Republican debate? Candidates were asked what political thinker they looked up to. Steve Forbes cited John Locke, a Revolutionary War scholar. Alan Keyes chose the founding fathers. Unhesitatingly, George W. replied, "Jesus Christ". When the moderator asked why, Bush responded, “When you turn your heart and your life over to Christ, when you accept Christ as the savior, it changes your heart and changes your life and that's what happened to me.” Was this a South Park episode? Nope, they’re the words of a guy whose own mother had to call Reverend Billy Graham to talk him out of insisting that only Christians can go to heaven and that only Dominicans should play second base.

So where has all this gotten us? In the short run, Iraq’s a mess. No major ally is willing to contribute even its most gimpy, inbred of soldiers. Our army is terribly weakened, limiting deployment to other regions, like Afghanistan (where the terrorists are). Reservists are now serving over a year in Iraq and are down to Red Bull and ketchup packets. Things are so bad that Forrest Gump, Chuck Norris, and the cross-dressing Arab guy from M.A.S.H. just got draft notices. Worst of all, over 900 American lives, not to mention tens of thousands of Iraqis, have been snuffed since the war began. And let’s not forget our coalition partners Latvia, Nicaragua and the 96th Street YMCA who’ve suffered an unprecedented forty four hangnails, thirty two twisted ankles and countless bad haircuts. Our presence in Iraq will continue to incite suicide bombers, kidnappers, and grainy videos by hooded men who have clearly never heard of NYU Film School. And overall, the world is a far more hostile place for Americans and Filipino truck drivers.

The far scarier part of all this – that no one (except me and Ali G) is mentioning – are the long-term effects of pre-emptive war. First, the intense nuclear proliferation triggered by Bush. By obliterating Iraq and negotiating with that kooky prick in North Korea, we have sent the world a clear message that the only way to keep your local dictator out of a filthy ditch is by having nuclear weapons. Like leaving the July Playboy near the showers at Riker's Island, there is a global feeding frenzy for all things nuclear. Poor countries like Pakistan and former Soviet republics are more than happy to oblige through a complex laundering network of strip clubs and clubbed baby seals. (I love PETA. Really.)

Bush has also reminded our allies of something they were perfectly willing to ignore – that we can take out France anytime we want. Actually, as the world’s lone superpower, we can ignore the UN and NATO when it suits us, chase Sikhs with baseball bats ‘cuz they sort of look like Arabs, and add relish to falafel. As a result, our “allies” are busy forming regional alliances that purposely exclude the US such as the Russia-France “defense partnership", the EU “virtual superpower” defense consolidation, and the Cuba-Haiti DontBombUs Accord. As a result, the US may be on a path to becoming that slow, fat friend who never gets invited to the dance. So, with non-existent credibility, the current administration has no choice but to attack Europe now before these alliances set in. Rumsfeld already popped three Viagra in preparation for his shiny new war briefing.

Of course, the future may not be all bad. If done properly, a democratic, economically viable Iraq could pressure other Arab states to reform, or at least build casinos. Coupled with our “war of ideas” (basically Shrek and porn dubbed into Arabic), our efforts could ultimately reduce hostilities and bring many Arab states solidly into the 19th century. Sadly, it would also force Al Jazeera reporters to cut each others heads off as that pool of wacky reality programming they’ve come to depend on dries up.

So can Cheney and Bush steer us towards global peace? Unlikely. With less credibility than the “Gigli II” rumor, this administration can no longer convincingly sit in front of world leaders. Can you imagine the snickers and winks next time Colin Powell pulls out a manila folder labeled, “CIA: Confidential”? Even our biggest allies are distancing themselves from us. Has anyone even seen Tony Blair lately?

Internationally, the next administration has to accomplish six major goals to put us back on the path to stability:

1. Begin repairing partnerships damaged by the Bush team (Does Gerhard Schroeder like steak? I’d take him to Peter Luger’s and stuff him full of meat ‘til he couldn’t take it anymore.)
2. Gain commitment from NATO, the UN and key Arab states to provide military and economic aid for Iraq (pending approval of the puppet regime)
3. Create multinational economic/political pressure and incentives to secularize states like Saudi Arabia, Iran and Egypt. (By “incentives” I mean everything from secretly sponsoring the building non-religious schools to developing original new sitcoms like “Everybody Loves Rabinowitz”, “Curb Your Fundamentalism” or “Mustafa in the Middle”)
4. Find a gentle way to get rid of Arafat (“Butter of The Month Club”??) and finally get the two sides to reach agreement on Gaza, the West Bank and who makes the best humus.
5. Promote assimilation programs for European Arabs, whose birthrates will soon make them a majority in France and taxi stands across that continent.
6. Nuke North Korea (only because I hate favoritism).

My prediction for the presidential election? Well, I think Hussein will get exonerated and run for President in the new, democratic Iraq. He’ll win because he’s the only one who’s shown he can govern that mess. At his inauguration, he’ll gas a few Kurds just to say, ‘Thanks for believing in me!’ In a matter of months, he’ll send all foreign militants home in small envelopes, resume diplomatic relations with the US, and host his own reality show, “Saddam Extreme Makeover” where every contestant wins surgery to look like their favorite oppressor. I can’t wait for the very special Uday and Qusay Ramadan episode.

…Oh, you meant that election?

Coming soon:

• Part 2: “Just Got Back From Iraq and All I Got Was This Lousy Stem Cell”
• Major updates to faktorial.com plus action figures

by faktorial.com - where Bush is a four-letter word and Condi is a five-letter word and...