Ugly, Smelly, Beatnik Protesters Hand Bush Certain Victory

In a surprising turn of events, President Bush took a commanding 11 point lead in polls immediately following the Republican convention. In a race that has shown a virtual dead heat, the 11 point lead shocked the Kerry campaign. One campaign official acknowledged, "I just don't understand what could have happened."

To Randy Weaver of Pennsylvania, a key 'battleground state', the answer was clear. "When I saw all those nasty, dirty people lined up in the street, I just didn't feel I had anything in common with them." Weaver, who claims he was "on the fence" as to which way he would vote said that the protesters helped him make up his mind. "Many of them had dirt under their fingernails, or were really bitter and angry. Others had AIDS. I just couldn't relate. I could have been watching Martians."

These sentiments echoed throughout other key states. Several Ohio residents suffered convulsions and were hospitalized, Many claimed they could almost "smell the filth" through their TV's.

When posed the question of whether they regretted their strategy, several protesters seemed apologetic. "I should have dressed better," lamented Anthony Jackson. "I didn't think it was a big deal. I wore some old jean shorts and a tie-dye shirt. What was I thinking? And, I did look pretty angry when they caught me screaming on Channel 7 news. Now, we've got four more years of Bush to look forward to. I'm so sorry."

Kerry campaign officials have opened a new office in Boca Raton, Florida to handle protester apologies. Mr. Kerry did not seem phased by recent developments. At a recent speech he was hear muttering, "I didn't really think I would win. You can only go so far on the fumes of a Vietnam War record and being way taller than the other guy." Campaign officials had no comment on these statements or the rumor that Kerry has already booked a ski vacation for the first week of November.

by faktorial.com - where even the thought of bathing feels vaguely unpatriotic

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