Army Readies First Downs Syndrome Battalion as Non-Retarded Recruitment Slows

As instability in Iraq escalates, the US military is experiencing slow recruitment. Even existing soldiers are unusually sluggish in showing up for duty. Some have spent all their time off at fast food chains like Wendy's and Taco Bell hoping to put on enough weight to be deemed unfit for duty. Others have begun taking hormones and showing up with breasts, hoping to re-take basic training as girls or menopausal women.

In response to a recent Gallup poll that showed most young Americans have a strong aversion to dying in combat, the military has turned to a previously untapped source of military might - retards. According to Gallup, individuals with Downs Syndrome have overwhelmingly not heard of Iraq, terrorism or the letter 'Q'. "The military saw an opportunity and siezed it," said Jim Ingersol, Director of Research at Gallup. "In some ways, they may be the perfect soldier, except for the drooling, perhaps."

The military has kept this strategy secret for quite some time. However, rumors of problems began to swirl. "Apparently, [the retarded recruits] kept firing on each other during training," said one Army official on the condition of anonymity. "Occasionally, the recruits would eat all their rations in one sitting, fall asleep during barbed wire crawling exercises, and create small fires while attempting to barbecue their uniforms indoors."

Unofficially, the army is optimistic that they have finally found a formula for success. Each new "Special Soldier" now receives a coat hanger to stay focused. New uniforms and equipment are now coated in Velcro so retarded soldiers can attach themselves to each other, in case they get scared in the dark. The army has not yet disclosed the nature of its recent purchase of four tons of chocolate licorice and seven thousand bunny costumes.

by faktorial.com - where the retarded write, not fight


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