'Cheers' Star Shelley Long Attempts Suicide; Kirstie Alley Eats Ted Danson

Former sitcom star Shelley Long, 55, attempted to overdose on pain killers. She has long been suffering from Suzanne Summersitis, an acute form of depression common to aging female sitcom stars who leave a hit TV show too early. The disease is at its deadliest around September through December coinciding with the start of a new TV season, which will undoubtedly not contain performances by any of the afflicted actors.

Ms. Long was checked into the Ally Sheedy wing of UCLA Medical Center where Corey Haim, Anthony Michael Hall and C. Thomas Howell are currently housed. She will receive care from highly experienced physicians who know how to make former celebrities feel at home.


In an unrelated story, Kirsty Alley, the behemoth actress who replaced long on Cheers has eaten her former co-star Ted Danson. Alley was guest-starring on some CBS sitcom apparently starring Mr. Danson. When the lunch caterers got delayed in traffic, Ms. Alley went on an eating rampage. Several assistants and one cameraman are also suspected devoured. An investigation is ongoing.

An unidentified officer at the scene was quoted as saying, "It was rather gruesome. By the time we got there, she was so exhausted and full, she had collapsed on the floor of her dressing room. She was still clutching somebody's bloody finger, which she was must have been using as either a toothpick or an emergency snack. We won't know the whole story until the forklift delivers her to, or near, a police station for questioning."

The LAPD would also like the public to know that both Norm and the mailman guy from Cheers are fine.



New York Post: Shelley Long Suicide Attempt