Kerry Concedes; Bush Promises "Four More Wars"

Even John Kerry could not escape the obvious, he has wasted two years of his life. In a depressing concession speech, Kerry seemed resigned to the fact that that he will spend the next four years looking like Frankenstein and having sex with his heinously unattractive, but rich wife. In retrospect, Mr. Kerry admitted that had he known the outcome in advance, he would rather have spent that time changing his mind on a number of issues. He also expressed hope that President Bush will spend the next four years uniting a divided country.

Shortly after Mr. Kerry's speech, President Bush appeared to be up for the challenge of uniting the country. He plans to spend the next four years promoting creationism, pushing aborted babies back in, and hunting down "Waldo, Osama or Ayatollah something or other". Most importantly, the President promised to keep terrorists off our soil. To do so, he unveiled his plan to attack at least four more countries. Acknowledging the countries current shortage of ground troops, Mr. Bush promised to get "nucular on their asses", as Jesus told him just the other day.

No details were available as to which countries were next to be attacked; however, Donald Rumsfeld was seen at a local International House of Pancakes intently studying maps of Iran, Puerto Rico and Michael Moore.

by faktorial.com - where "concede" is not in our vocabulary; neither are "plethora", "pheromone", nor "hippopotamus".

New York Daily News - Politics - Source: Kerry concedes; Bush wins second term