87 Year Old Showgirl Spends Entire Show Trying to Get Up

To the shock and amazement of anyone who has ever had an erection, the New York Times has exposed a revolting conspiracy to sexualize senior citizens. The most outrageous trend is the growing popularity of musicals featuring "showgirls" well into their seventies and eighties. With no less than seven senior citizens in its scantily clad ensemble, "Palm Springs Follies" is by far the most egregious offender. In fact, authorities have begun an aggressive crackdown of clubs featuring these decrepit dancers.

“The sight of all that sagging flesh and wrinkled hooters packed into tight bustiers is just too much for most people to bear,” explained Sergeant Donald Ober of the Palm Springs Septuagenarian Crackdown Unit (SCU). According to Mr. Ober, the crackdown began with a series of reports of vomiting, seizures and near-heart attacks at theaters throughout the Florida region. "When three ambulances are double parked outside of a theater for every performance and five for the encore, we know something was wrong," observed Mr. Ober.

One hospitalized patron, who insisted on anonymity, explained, "I guess I wasn't really ready to see someone that old in a thong. If you ride the bus for half price, you just shouldn't be in a pointy bra and a thong. Ever."

Audiences are not the only ones suffering. Since July, 46 dancers are dead and 32 have broken hips. Countless others have suffered bruises, heart palpitations and short-term memory loss. Three dancers have been reported missing after mysteriously wandering off stage mid-performance. Despite mounting casualties, attendance is at an all-time high. Even the occasional burst of incontinence by some of the older dancers has only managed to clear a row or two.

Despite all the controversy, new shows featuring older dancers are opening weekly. Some seem to be taunting authorities with provocative titles like, "We Dance, We Die", "The Ben-Gaysha" and "Wrinkles on Ice".

Authorities believe there may be a more subversive conspiracy behind the sudden popularity of geriatric showgirls. "We are investigating reports that husbands are trying to get rid of their wives by encouraging them to try out for the show," explained Sergeant Ober. Last night, police detained two glitter-covered eighty year old gentlemen. The men came out of one of the new area strip clubs carrying suspicious quantities of one dollar bills and Viagra.

by faktorial.com - the #2 source for satire and geriatric porn

New York Times article link:

The New York Times > Fashion & Style > So Very Alive and Kicking