COMMENTARY: Mullahs Give Me Gas!

Here are some simple facts you might even be able to bang into Paris Hilton:

1) We Americans have lots of disposable income (I could swear I've seen a homeless guy with a pink iPod Mini)
2) We use that disposable income to buy big toys: SUVs, Air Conditioners, vibrating appliances for our frigid wives (you know who you are)
3) Our big toys need power to run.
4) That power often comes from oil and gas.
5) Oil and gas come from backwards, hate-breeding regimes that would love to stick a burka on Lindsay Lohan and a missile into Richard Simmons (...hmmm, maybe I should have picked a more sympathetic fruity guy like Will or Grace. You get the point.)

Our childish greed is making crap Arab countries like Saudi Arabia and Iran rich. That money keeps them isolated and takes away any economic leverage we could exert to force them to change. Our own money funded 9/11 and continues to fund the weapons killing our soldiers in the Middle East.

The time has come for us to grow up and invest in our future. Some simple steps we must take:

1) Tax gas - $1 per gallon. (Trust me, even the biggest gas-guzzling asshole will eventually buy a hybrid - which will hopefully become less Queer Eye and more Jason Giambi as time goes on.) In a 5 years our consumption of gas will drop 50%, guaranteed.
2) Tax fuel wasting vehicles...and anything Richard Branson buys...boring prick.
3) Put wind farms and solar panels everywhere possible. It won't solve the problem, but it'll help. Kind of like perfume for the French.
4) Invest heavily in alternative fuels research.
5) Create tax incentives for conservation

Problem solved. In one scenario, we bring these crap countries to their knees because they need foreign investment and trade. As a result, they will secularize, move towards democracy and take David Hasselhoff off our hands.

The second scenario is simple - a war for oil with China, India, Russia and/or Europe. In the absence of alternatives and with China and India's rapid industrialization, we will have no choice but to carve up the Middle East like a Thanksgiving turkey. Guess what, this is the scenario we are headed for. Why do you think everyone's undies are in a bunch over Iran's nuclear program?

by faktorial.com - where you get a free David Hasselhoff CD with every fill-up.

PS - Here's a link to a good editorial by Thomas Friedman on this subject:

The New York Times > Opinion > Op-Ed Columnist: No Mullah Left Behind