Johnny Carson Excavated, Back on Life Support; Hospitals Fill Up With Vegetables

Despite being dead for over two months, doctors have excavated Johnny Carson and attached him to life support. Stricken by fear of a Republican crackdown on the medical industry after the Terri Schiavo case, doctors are taking no chances. Medical professionals have been spotted in cemeteries across the country digging furiously. It is rumored that Richard Nixon, Marilyn Monroe and Tara Reid have all been dug up and hooked up to life support.

Many are borderline cases. For example, medical experts remain unsure if former actor Judd Nelson, who has recently been placed on life support, is himself dead or if it is his career that passed on. Unsure of how to resuscitate his career, doctors feel they have a far better chance if Mr. Nelson is indeed dead.

“I can’t believe it has come to this,” noted a prominent New York physician, on the condition of anonymity. “We ran out of outlets. There’s no way we can keep all these people plugged in forever.”

Living patients are growing furious, as well. “My mother was scheduled for a lung transplant today, but they just told us her doctor is out digging up Mickey Mantle. It’s outrageous! These people are f--king dead! Let it be.”

As hospitals fill up with the dead and near-dead, cities across America resemble a Bangladeshi airport. The crippled and infirmed wander the streets aimlessly with untreated head wounds, broken limbs and contagious diseases. Conversely, hospitals are eerily quiet, apart from occasional flickering lights and a mad tangle of extension cords and feeding tubes. Once in a while, a vegetative patient blinks, spurring the hopes and dreams of a nearby Republican.

After successfully castrating the entertainment industry over Janet Jackson’s floppy boob, Conservatives have set their sights on the medical profession. Today alone, two senators and Jesse Jackson had to be surgically separated from Terri Schiavo’s leg. To date, Ms. Schiavo has inspired Congressional debates, presidential intervention and a Nyquil endorsement.

While legislators made their case to keep Ms. Schiavo alive, 857 people died due to lack of health insurance, 46 US soldiers were killed in Iraq by guns bought with US oil money and 59 prisoners were sentenced to death by Republican judges.

While it is unlikely that Ms. Schiavo will ever recover, there is great hope that if she does, she will flash her nipples at next Super Bowl. The American Dream never dies. Never.

---Visit www.faktorial.com for more wit and satire gone horribly, horrible wrong.



New York Daily News - Home - Jesse joins Terri fight