Crack Whores Running Late for International Conference; Pimps Demand Equal Rights

Crack Whore Community in Turmoil

Las Vegas - This week’s International Crack Whore Caucus (ICWC), originally scheduled to start on Monday, is now four days behind schedule. Almost 300 of the 500 delegate crack whores are no-shows, including Misty and Bunny, the keynote speakers. Since 1995, when its inaugural 1993 conference was held, the ICWC has sought to communicate best-practices, define new processes and identify unrealized synergies. To date, the ICWC’s greatest accomplishments include raising $574 to dedicate a new crack wing at Highpoint Projects in downtown Detroit and successfully recovering Trixie Trump’s gold tooth after a small disagreement with her pimp following her keynote speech at the 1999 conference.

This week’s conference was to focus on a seemingly ill-conceived plan to replace drug dealers and pimps with a self-managed consortium. The consortium would negotiate prices directly with producers, handle distribution, and organize protection (the one with guns). It is unclear whether this lofty objective will be achieved.

Fluffy, a 40-ish, rail-thin, African American woman with a crooked blonde wig was infuriated by the delay. “I got muthaf--king biznet to conduct. Where deze bitches at? I slap the sh-t outta them muthaf--king, spunk covered, braid-wearing, ho’s.” It was unclear exactly to whom Ms. Fluffy was referring.

Genie, delegate from the Holland Tunnel in New Jersey, was taking matters into her own hands. To pay for the extra nights at the Bellaggio, where the convention was being held, Genie, a thin attractive Caucasian woman with a black eye, decided to provide oral services to hotel staff and guests. After 31 sessions, she has collected $147. “I gotta work on my negoti…negotia…ne…I gotta charge more money,” she admitted. As we were talking, she spotted a target, “Hey you kinda cute! How ‘bout a quickie?” she offered. As the man accelerated past her, Genie took off after him, stumbled and fell into the fountain in the lobby. Soaked, she continued to yell, “I’m gonna f--k every single one of you!” She continued screaming and lunging towards the crotches of three security guards as they dragged her away.

Pimps will not be disintermediated without a fight. They are holding their own convention across the street in the New York, New York Hotel. Don “The Magic” Juan, a three-time ‘Playa of the Year’ and two-time ‘Bitch Slappa’ nominee, is hosting the event. Mr. Juan, speaking for the “entire pimp community”, simply said, “the is some disobedi, disobee, dis…f--k, dem bitchis is in fo’ a smack-down.” It is likely several other pimps echoed Mr. Juan’s comments, but most were deemed too incoherent for quotation.

As always, what is lost in all the controversy is the customer. A number of ‘johns’ seemed disillusioned. After receiving some halfhearted servicing, one john simply said, “I remember the good old days when it was all about the service…and maybe the crack. It was never about politics. I get enough of that at home. I didn’t tint the windows of my car and park under the Golden Gate Bridge to hear a lecture on crack procurement. I want a blo-j-b. Thanks, Jack Welch!”


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