Australia Orders Protection for its Last Remaining Celebrity

After the untimely death of one of Australia's greatest celebrities, Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, the country is taking no chances with its only remaining celebrity, Russell Crowe. Prime Minister John Howard immediately mobilized Australia's National Guard and Navy to defend the actor from any "aerial, aquatic, terrestrial or extra-terrestrial threats."

While Mr. Crowe was on location in Canada filming "A Beautiful Master and Gladiator Man" with Ron Howard, the Australian Navy installed a 40 mile underwater fence around the actor's oceanfront Australian estate to protect the actor from blood-thirsty stingrays, celebrity-hating jellyfish, and pointy-edged clams.

While environmentalists fear the fence will kill thousands of fish and endanger the area's ecology, the hard-nosed Australian Prime Minister exclaimed, "I would personally kill every shark in the ocean and beat every hotel employee to a bloody pulp to save Russell Crowe from even one premature wrinkle!"

Australian officials acknowledged that outfitting Mr. Crowe's Hummer with a rocket launcher and cavity-searching Samuel L. Jackson, Crowe's current co-star, only underscores the dire state of the country's entertainment industry. After Crowe, the best known Australian celebrities are a racist, peg-legged clown named Scuffles and Phil, The Incredible Mustache Boy, who is quickly approaching puberty.

To avert future crises, Australia plans to open several celebrity training camps where any semblance of talent can qualify applicants for substantial arts grants and round-the-clock security. Unfortunately, early auditions were cancelled after several hopefuls badly scorched their genitals, while others attempted "dangerous and unsanitary insertions". A disgusted government official noted, "It looked like Jackass 3 out there. I don't think real talent should require lubricant."

Despite the sudden government mobilization, most Australians simply ruminated on Mr. Irwin's passing. "There's a human side to this tragedy," said Abbey Johns, a receptionist from Sydney, Australian. "I know that to people in America, an entire nation mourning the wacky crocodile poker on channel 147 seems crazy...but here, he's on channel 2." Ms. Johns paused for a moment, " To us, Steve Irwin represented something magical. He was one of our own. A proud Aussie who made it. He lived life to the fullest. He wore shorts to work."

Mr. Irwin will be laid to rest early Wednesday morning. On Thursday, the stingray that killed him will appear on the popular Aussie reality show, "The Fish Whisperer", where Wally "Aquaman" Green will attempt to rehabilitate it. If the fish fails to accept accountability, it is tentatively booked to appear Friday on "Grillin' and Chillin' with Paul Hogan".


- by faktorial.com, the home for classic Australian comedy

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