Wal-Mart to Lure Black Shoppers with Grits and Gangsta Rap

After several quarters of slowing growth, Wal-Mart has announced a revolutionary plan to revive sales. The massive retailer plans to customize its stores to better serve six types of customers: old people whose kids grew up, people with money, suburban people, rural people and blacks and Hispanics. The new strategy is based on a Wal-Mart study that surprisingly showed blacks and Hispanics, regardless of age, wealth, education, or social status all basically like, chicken, oversized jeans and "bling", but in different styles. Today's announcement was made by new company spokeswoman Maria Conchita Gonzalez Jackson X.

"Research by our consultants, Lilly, White & Cracker, showed that our black customers require delicious fried chicken, watermelon, and movies with lots of karate," Ms. Jackson X explained. "We plan to cater to those needs by creating a section of the store, especially for them."

In fact, all re-designed Wal-Mart stores will feature special Hispanic and Black sections. When concerns about segregation were raised, Ms. Jackson X was quick to point out, "This is customization, not segregation. We intend to treat all our customers equally. Each section will have its very own water fountains, bathrooms, even entertainment."

"As our black customers shop, we will soothe their senses with familiar aromas of grits and bacon. They will also hear rap music by exclusive Wal-Mart artists like Kool Moe Dee, Coolio and something Re-Run." Ms. X added, "Of course, black shoppers can also dance in the extra-wide aisles, as our research predicts they would."

By comparison, rural shoppers will hear Travis Tritt and Tammy Wynette songs as they shoot down the items they want to purchase. No details were given on how the other sections will look. However, Ms. Jackson X hinted at some surprises in store for Hispanics, "You said you liked congas or bongos and we listened."

After the press conference, the company issued a written clarification explaining that customers can indeed choose to shop "in any of the sections...at their own risk." The statement advised against such actions due to "the potential for varying crime rates in different parts of the store."

To maximize safety, Wal-Mart plans to install spiked walls that will drop from the ceiling, when necessary, to provide shoppers with instant safety and comfort. "Of course," Ms. Jackson X added, "the walls in certain parts of the store will drop faster. Our research showed that some customers have an extra bone in their ankle and can move blazingly fast. We could not independently validate that another, smaller segment can also fly."

Upon hearing the announcement, both Republican and Democratic groups were outraged. The NAACP and Jesse Jackson called for a protest against what they deemed "a racist, bigoted strategy." However, after several hours of talks, Wal-Mart agreed to hire the NAACP Chairman's nephew, contribute $40MM to both the Republican and Democratic National Committees, and contribute $100 million to Mr. Jackson's PUSH coalition. As a result, all previously planned protests will now be merged into the company's grand re-opening celebrations: "Gooberfest", "Beanerthon" and "Gangsta Shnizzle".


- by faktorial.com - where racism and bigotry suffocate under the weight of brilliant sarcasm.

On a serious note:

No, I'm not saying Wal-Mart's racist. I'm just extrapolating. What Wal-Mart says and what it does are two completely different stories. In this case, isn't it amazing that two diverse minorities are separated from the other non-racial profiles? In reality, I do hope this leads to people dependent on Wal-Mart getting more products they can actually use. Or, to me getting more material I can actually use. It's also interesting how race is used as a tool by powerful corporations, whenever it's convenient.

Wal-Mart is the only source of goods for many Americans and a powerful driver of some undesirable social change. And, don't count on politicians, self-proclaimed civil rights leaders, and others to enforce our best interests. They are all dependent on corporate $'s. They all have a price. We need to publicly fund politics and break that dependency. Or, we need more people like Bloomberg or Corzine, but there aren't too many billionaires insane enough to be in the public eye.