Remorseful ‘Kramer’ Vows to Reverse Slavery, Apartheid and Moesha

Los Angeles - After his shocking, racist tirade at a Los Angeles comedy club, Michael Richards has vowed to make things right. After awkward apologies to black leaders like Jesse Jackson, Gloria Allred, and Tiki Barber, Richards announced plans to travel back in time to “end every scourge that has ever plagued Afro-Americans including slavery, apartheid, and occasionally ashy skin.” Facing thinly-veiled threats against his wealth, like Al Sharpton wearing a suit made entirely out of Richards’s old W-2 forms, the comedian chose humanitarian time travel instead.

Shortly after finishing the last leg of his apology tour at LeVar Burton’s house, Richards boarded a small, Nintendo-built time craft called the “Woo”. Although PC Magazine complained about the Woo’s “poor user interface” and “cheap wireless controller”, Richards believed it was good enough to get him to Africa circa 1619 AD. Nintendo stepped in to build the craft after Richards was robbed of $4.7 million in cash, as he waited in line to buy Sony’s new TM3, a Blu-Ray equipped time machine.

While it is unclear what impact Richards efforts will yield, Stanford anthropologist Alice Tang believes she has discovered several etchings in Nigeria of what appear to be a gangly, white man being boiled. Sir Lernsalot, a famed British historian, found journals from English slave traders referring to a “Hipster Doofus slave dealer” living in Nigeria. One slave trader’s journal-entry read, “Wow, is this guy racist!” He later wrote, “What’s a ‘spik’?” Despite the revolutionary implications of these discoveries, neither President Oprah nor Vice President Tyra Banks could be reached for comment.

Even without conclusive evidence of Richard’s guilt-ridden efforts, many believe the country now faces a free speech crisis. Alex Tankian, a Harvard linguistics professor, warns, “Demands by black leaders to end the use of the n-word leads us down a slippery slope until the only ones left with the right to say n**ger are a bunch of racist m***er-f***ing, c**k-s**kers like the KKK or some tunnel bunny c**t you pay 50 bucks to s**t on you and call you a ‘dirty, m*****-******, c***-s***** little b****’ while she $%^^&^$&@$* you in a plastic bag.”


By faktorial.com – where we take solace in knowing we still have Elaine