COMMENTARY: Some Call Him Messiah; I Call Him Jimmy

The messiah has arrived and he’s not wearing purple nipple clamps and cellophane, as traditionally depicted at my Church of the Chubby Sadist. No this man’s name is not Jesus (HAY-soos) or Moshiach (moe-she-ACCCHHHKKP), it’s James A. Baker, or as I like to call him, Jimmy. No, Jimmy can’t turn water into wine or chickpeas into delicious, but un-greasy fritters. What Jimmy did do is propose how to get us out of Iraq before any more of our troops have to suffer through another Kathie Griffin USO tour.

Don’t let the brittle hips and delicate bouquet of formaldehyde fool you, Jimmy’s no Rumsfeld. Jimmy’s a pragmatist. And, he knows when to come out of his coffin. A lot of people have turned to me to find out what to think of the Iraq Study Group report. Like a chimpanzee prodded for advice on banana farming, I’m all-too happy to throw some indiscriminant pooh your way.

First, a little history. Remember the Gulf War in the early 90’s? You know, the one that didn’t list Atlantis, Pompeii and Nutmeg as coalition partners? That was when Jimmy, Brent Scowcroft and Papa Bush, decided NOT to go into Baghdad. They realized that a weakened, secular Hussein offsetting a wacky Iran was better than delusional fantasies of free oil, an infectious plague of Arabian democracy, and a limitless bounty of thickly-mustached Iraqi broads. In other words, they knew what Bush Jr. did not: that “nuclear” has only one “u” in it. And, that occupation would bury us in a tsunami of our own excrement. Finally, Americans reached for the Charmin and voted in a bunch of Democrats. …Whoopee Goldberg!! Let’s face it, you’re likelier to find a unicorn playing Sudoku than a Democrat with a real plan.

So the world turned to Jimmy to say to Bush Jr. what Sr. can’t – that he was aborted and lived. Jimmy’s a good student. Gets his work in on time…OK it took nine months to get the report, but you should see the formatting! The cover alone took Leroy Neiman 12 weeks. Call me naïve, but I believe Jimmy did his best. Yes, it is a little scary leaning on senior citizens to save our future. Usually, when your fortunes are riding on a guy this old, you’re a dim-witted, pontoon-chested, ex-Playmate double-fisting prescription meds to get you through another wrinkly bl*wjob.

So what do I think?

Well, short of inventing a time machine to clamp Barbara B's fillopians before Papa Bush slips one past the goalie, I think Jimmy did a decent job. At least it’s a plan!! It’s the first one we’ve seen – from either Republican’ts OR Democritics. Sure, there are some controversial points. I kind of like the idea of negotiating with Iran and Syria and removing them from the “Axis of Evil” list (to be replaced by Dr. Doom, Green Goblin and rectal itch).

Without a strong army, Iraq is like a hogtied page on Mark Foley’s desk – helpless, scared and lubricated for invasion. Iraq’s army will never be as strong under a slacker occupying force as it was under Hussein. The most we can do is equip their army as best we can and get out. It’s like preparing recommendations for your boss. You know the stubborn prick’s going to do what he wants anyway, so why pull an all-nighter?

Smartly, Jimmy avoided grand visions of democracy and essentially created a phased withdrawal plan, which he knew was all the public and the Pelosi Congress could digest. The most subversive part of Jimmy’s recommendations is this – he knows Syria and Iran are more interested in a stable Iraq than we are. (Imagine if we bordered an unstable country with a corrupt political system whose citizens kept crossing our borders indiscriminately for refuge.) Once they see our soldiers pulling out, they’ll all get their towels in a bunch, running to the negotiating table to carve up Iraq and it’s oil profits like a Thanksgiving turkey, or a hypothetical houseguest at OJ’s, if he hypothetically had houseguests.

Unless something better comes along quick, I say let's thank Jimmy for his service and go with this plan. Regardless how this ends, the real winners here are senior citizens. I've learned that old people are good for more than just driving into crowds, playing dominoes and eating Meow Mix. They can save a nation!


By faktorial.com – where senior citizens go when it’s time to stop drooling and time to start saving democracy.