Rove Returns as Hospitals Swell With Fallen Democrats

Washington D.C. - Shortly after Democratic Senator Tim Johnson was hospitalized with stroke symptoms, the Washington Times has learned of a Republican plot codenamed “Election, Schmelection”. Borrowing a page from Vladimir Putin’s ‘30-Minute Last Meals’ cookbook, Republican strategist Karl Rove plans to poison his party back into power. Rove operatives have secured massive amounts of Pelosium-215, a highly unstable, radioactive isotope that causes erratic behavior, indecisiveness, and eventual self-destruction.

After the failure of pre-election tactics such as re-paving roads in black voting districts to lead directly into the sea and rigging voting machines to launch Hispanics into space, Karl Rove needed a break. After basking in the warmth of a red sun and feasting on pounds of black-market stem cells, Mr. Rove returned with VENGNCE on his mind – and on his new license plate. While on his way to make empty promises to evangelicals, Mr. Rove coyly told a reporter, “It’s only a majority, if they live.”

When told of the plot, Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer was not surprised. “We know what they’re capable of. We just have to be ready,” he acknowledged. “Today alone, Bill Frist sent me gift subscriptions to both the Butter of the Month Club and the Isotope of the Month Club.”

Other Democratic Congressmen and Senators have received gifts ranging from anthrax cupcakes to arsenic-flavored popcorn to Gillette Hep-C razors. Rep. Barney Frank got a brand new Canon digital camera - packaged with a scantily clad infant and a free memory card.

Democrats remain defiant, no matter how fluorescent their urine. Many have begun aggressive workout regimens. Some have hired food tasters or look-alikes. Even celebrities have offered to help. For example, both Helen Mirren and Harvey Fierstein plan to stand in for Hillary Clinton on select occasions.

Because Republican governors can choose replacements for dead Democrats, the Democrats have several Doomsday options, should some of them be killed successfully:

1. The first is a “Weekend at Bernie’s” option, where the dead politician is propped up as if he were alive and carried around by two panicky college boys, creating many opportunities for humor and hi-jinx.
2. A second plan, code named “Hannibal”, involves a junior-level Democrat wearing the skin of the deceased politician and living out the duration of his term. This technique has been in beta-testing since Dan Quayle first donned George W. Bush’s skin seven years ago.
3. “Dawn of the Living Dead Senator” is the absolute last resort. A dying Democrat is bitten by a radioactive monkey and wanders, grunting, through Capital Hill with an insatiable hunger for human flesh and pro-cannibal legislation.

While authorities are monitoring the situation, few believe that a rejuvenated Rove can be stopped. One Democratic Congressman privately admitted, “If we get through this with one or two casualties, some patchy hair loss, and a few ‘Obama bin Laden’ posters, we’ll consider ourselves lucky.”


By faktorial.com – one of the world’s top suppliers of radioactive isotopes for both commercial and recreational use.