EXCLUSIVE: Bush to Send 20,000 Mexican Gardeners to Tame Iraq (Speech Transcript)

Faktorial.com has obtained exclusive, advanced text of Wednesdays’s Presidential address, outlining the new Iraq strategy:

Good evening America and evil-doers. This is your President. President Bush. Today, I I want to address something that’s starting to bother me. Hemorrhoids. Karl said a joke to start would kill. (pause) America, the reason I have been seated here is if I stood, you'd see I have no pants. That's two, Karl. I'm killing. Another thing that's killing my Presidency is something I call Iraq. Iraq is a place. Some folks don’t think what we’re doing in Iraq is good. Some say it’s lacking in so-called success. Others call it a war. I disagree.

Former generals and funeral directors would have you believe things aren't savageable. It's not true. There are many strong signs that the people of Iraq are ready to leave the violence of the past behind and embrace the violence of the future. By hanging Saddam Hussein on YouTube, the people of Iraq are free. Free to elect any Ayatollah they want from brand new Diebold VoteBunker 4000’s. Freedom is never free. It is exactly $9 billion a month.

There's also progress helping the flatulating Iraqi army get up on their feet. Some of them cannot. They do not have feet, because of some insurgent folks over there. Still, the fire of hope burns bright in their eyes. It burns even brighter in what’s left of the Basra police station.

We cannot afford to lose. That is why I have gathered, in a room, with my most trusted advisors, Flavor Flav, Steven Seagal, and Billy from Melrose Place. I asked them all the tough questions. Together, we worked through the 7:00 o'clock Seinfeld re-run last Thursday, to craft a decisive recipe for Tiramisu. As you know, My Name is Earl does not start ‘til eight. That gave us precious time to develop a path to victory in Ir..a...n, which I will read off this napkin.

The first thing we must do is ease secretarian tensions. We’ll do so by giving Sunnis and Shiites cute, funny names like Spongebomber Squarepants and Tickle-me-Tikritin. Who would assassinate an Ayatollah Smurfi? A Terror-tubby? Not under America's watch!

Next, we will make it easier to work with the various fractions. We will give Iraqis simple, less scary names, like Indian call center workers. For example, Muktada al-Sadr will now be “Mike”. Grand Ayatollah Ali Ali al-Sistani will be “Stan”.

We will not pull our troops out of Iraq. Instead, I will pull all Iraqis out of Iraq and drop them into Darfur. That way, everyone we don’t plan to help is in one, convenient place.

Until this happens, we need to engorge our troop levels. These will not be Americans. I plan to send 20,000 Mexican gardeners and day laborers that Laura captured near our Texas ranch. This new force will patrol Baghdad in a ’75 Chevy El Camino.

We must also break the will of the insurgency. We’ll do this by weaponizing the music of Kevin Federline and Brooke Hogan. We’ve also placed velvet ropes and a snippy, transgenderal bouncer wherever we don’t want insurgents or ugly tourists wearing Scrunchies.

As a sign of goodwill to moderate Arabs. People like…hmmm…like the guy on Lost. I plan to shut down the prison camp at Guantanamo Bay. All campers will be transfered inside of my head. There, brown freedom haters can be held indefinitely and interrogated in complete isolation from world opinion.

If these Plan A initiatives fail, we have another plan that comes after A. It is on a separate napkin.

To conclude, I look forward to working with the Democratic majority, until those Russian reporters are done urinating into their water supply.

Finally, we must not let partisan defeatism blind us from the massive “Delusion Accomplished” banner behind me.

God bless America. Good night.

By faktorial.com – where incompetence and poor grammar have yet to lead to Presidency, or even a low-level cabinet position