J-Date Turns Jewish Man Anti-Semitic

LOS ANGELES - In October 2006, David Birnbaum, a 30 year old marketing manager, joined Jdate.com, a popular Jewish dating site. Mr. Birnbaum, a Jew, did so to silence his mother’s ruthless deconstruction of all his non-Jewish girlfriends. The sound of her voice in his head eventually ruined all of those relationships. “You call this a girl?” “What kind of face is that?” “What’s with those thighs? Like tree trunks. Feh.” Then after three months of dating only Jews, Mr. Birnbaum quit his synagogue, shaved his head, and gave the keynote address at a Holocaust denial conference in Iran.

Like most of Mr. Birnbaum’s accomplishments, this quest began with a subconscious disdain for his mother. It was punctuated by her persistent, empty threat, “I’m not gonna live forever, Bubaleh.” Like Ahab and Moby-Dick, Birnbaum took to the internet to hunt his mythical creature, the nice Jewish girl. While specific traits are said to vary, the Unabridged Oy to Oy-Vey Dictionary defines “nice Jewish girl” as “a bride who proudly inherits her mother-in-law’s nagging and emasculation duties.”

Mr. Birnbaum could sense the desperation in his parents. “At one point, I knew they’d be happy with anyone with some combination of ten fingers or toes and little to no evidence of retardation,” he admitted. “As long as she could stop drooling long enough to make latkes or remove that creepy gelatin off the Gefilte fish, they’d throw us the biggest wedding this side of Mumbai.”

It was during J-Date’s sign-up process that Mr. Birnbaum began feeling uncomfortable. He had tried Match.com and Yahoo Personals, but never encountered a mandatory financial portfolio section. “It was integrated with Quicken, TurboTax, and Microsoft Money,” he added.

“Right after J-Date validated my W-2’s, the first girl I e-mailed sent me a detailed ‘Notice of Incompatibility’,” he recalled. “She thought we shouldn’t date because I’m a growth investor and she’s into bonds and livestock futures. She then proceeded to critique my 401K allocations.”

Gary Schwartz, a friend and fellow online dater, suggested that Mr. Birnbaum use his Starbucks Strategy. “You meet for coffee. If you like each other, get together again,” advised Mr. Schwartz. “If not, you don’t waste three hours and $90 on a total stranger who has a very loose interpretation of ‘Athletic and Toned’.”

“It was a good plan,” remembered Mr. Birnbaum, as he doodled a swastika on the sleeve of his hospital gown. “The coffee thing didn’t work once. Jewish girls are far too crafty and powerful. It’s like they were genetically engineered to only go out on Saturday nights. About half would order the lobster or some rare truffle found by pregnant pigs. Mostly, to prove they were worth the money.”

Mr. Birnbaum spent months dating Barbara Streisand look-alikes, learning the nuances of diamond clarity, and deconstructing why he’s not a doctor. When he did manage to get a word in, it was his salary. His bank account was depleted, he was fresh out of Matzo jokes, and his calm demeanor had cracked. “Why would she keep saying ‘milchik’ instead of ‘milk’? Why not just milk? Why?” he screamed.

An attendant ran in to inject Mr. Birnbaum with a mild sedative.

Things went from bad to worse. Mr. Birnbaum was fired from his job and lost touch with his friends. He just sat in his apartment listening to German Industrial band Rammstein with songs like “Gefilte Fist”, “Blintz-kreig” and “Kashrut of All Evil”. Inspired, Mr. Birnbaum joined an Aryan kickball league, pledged his life savings to Jerry Lewis’s Hezbollah-thon on Channel 9, and underwent foreskin reconstruction surgery.

Finally, his parents intervened and committed their son to a mental health facility. Doctors believe a full recovery is possible, as long as Mr. Birnbaum sticks to a steady diet of bagels and lox with low doses of French and Brazilian girls.


- by faktorial.com – where French and Brazilian girls go to meet eligible Jewish men



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