God: I Can't Hear You! Neenerneenerneenerneeenrnee...

Thirty three dead at Virginia Tech. 9/11. Howard K. Stern. What else will convince you to stop freakin’ praying to me? Waaaah!! I want the Red Sox to win!! Waaahh! I have crabs and I’m not fulfilled! Waaahhh! I wanted the Nano, not the Shuffle! Shut up already! I’m sick of your whining!

Don't you realize – I DON’T CARE?!? King of Queens has been on for nine seasons!!! NINE seasons!! Has anyone you know ever come up to you and said, “Hey, did you see King of Queens last night?” NO! Why do you think that is, Genius?

You see, it all started with a big bang. At first, it was all rocks, fire, and methane – kind of like Baghdad on a good day. I was sooo bored. I started to tinker. First, a few little organisms. Then, seaweed. LAME! So, I invited Zeus, Vishnu, and Xena, the Warrior Princess, for a brainstorming session at the Hades Hilton. Yoda, the Keebler Elves, and Mephistopheles hosted breakout sessions. Thor facilitated the icebreaker exercise. (Nice job, Thor!) Lunch was on the promenade (where incidentally, my Sprint phone had no reception!).

Anyway, we came up with two projects – one in the Milky Way and one in the Sirius Galaxy. You see, the Sirius project would be micro-managed by me and Xena (what great hooves she has!). The project on Earth was to be completely self-managed by something called “evolution”. Sally Field came up with that one. (She’s older than she’ll have you believe.) Anyway, we took bets to see who'd be first to beat CSI: Alpha Centauri's ratings on WGOD-4, our local cable access channel.

It wasn’t long before Xena and I had 12 Angry Green Men, 45,544,642 Rock, and My Name is Knoblob on Must-See-Thursdays. Our clips were all over jewtube.god. We even had an alien manage-a-trios during ratings sweeps.

Sally wasn’t having much luck with Evolution Wednesdays. The ratings stunk! For the first billion years, it was cells multiplying. It should have been cancelled after that stupid Protozoa Hunter mini-series. They incinerated the producer and promised to add Heather Locklear to the cast. So, your crappy show stayed on. Finally, after 2 billion years of rodents and big, retarded dinosaurs humping, we had something interesting – humans. You were smarter than the clods that came before you. And, you were the only thing that could compete with the new Sirius Spice adult channel. (Yeah, you guessed it – aliens humping. What did you expect from the writers of Blossom?)

So here we are. You have great ratings, so we can’t kill you. But, you’re still a bunch of sissy assholes. Scores of you die each day. Still, you’re constantly praying and whining even though no one ever, ever answers. (Though, every once in a while, Xena does screw with Bill O’Reilly because he’s such a righteous prick.) To be fair, if I had a penis and long hair like you dummies portray me with, I wouldn’t mind a piece of Lance Bass. He’s dreamy!

Till then, don’t expect any miracles and keep voting Republican. It’s really great television!


By Faktorial.com – where we’d gladly go to hell if it had more channels.