Greek Parade Faces Hostile Takeover After Pita Theft

After an embarrassing turnout at Sunday’s Greek Day Parade, analysts predict a hostile takeover, possibly by the Persian Rug Pageant. Sunday's debacle featured several, mostly Puerto Rican high school bands, floats made of Reynolds Wrap and back hair, and a small fire caused by the Souvlaki Unibrow Institute. The parade’s demise may have been sealed when Greece's most precious artifact, The Giant Pita, was stolen by masked bandits.

Legend has it that The Giant Pita (a.k.a. Pita the Great), a 67-foot flatbread, was prepared for Alexander the Great by only three Spartan bakers. Historians believe that it should have taken several hundred bakers to handle a pita of that size, making it one of the bravest culinary feats in history. But, in a moment of carelessness, the iconic pastry was gone.

Till this day, Greek boys in Astoria, New York are taken from their families at the age of six to be raised by sweaty, hairy Greek men with a singular purpose – to defend The Giant Pita. They wrestle nude, learn to handle their kebabs, and make yogurt sauce under the watchful eye of Pitacus, the legendary leader of the Astoria Greeks.

“I don’t know what happened,” said Gus #7, a Pitacus disciple. “The great pita was poorly defended. We have no excuse.”

Another witness, Gus #453, found a bright side to the tragedy. “We might have lost the pita, but this marks the first time in our rich history that the Greek Orthodox Boys Choir and the Mega Erectus Bath House fought together, side by side, against a common enemy.” He added, “This union brings renewed hope for the future of Astoria and for the accelerated production of our famous, tangy yogurt.”

Privately, the parade’s organizers are believed to be desperately seeking a merger with a sympathetic parade partner. Candidates include The Latvian Liver Festival, Sanjaya-palooza, and the Michael Bolton/John Tesh World Tour.

Jeff Blumfield, Parade Analyst at Bear Sterns, expects the worst. "I don’t think a hostile takeover can be avoided,” he predicted. “Greeks might just wake up tomorrow and find out they’re now Irish, Dominican, or possibly Chinese.”

At first, many assumed the blockbuster movie ‘300’ would rejuvenate Greek pride. Unfortunately, after years in the American school system, most young Greeks surveyed at the parade believed Sparta was “somewhere near Canada”.


by Faktorial.com – where the yogurt is always fresh and maps of Sparta, Canada are available for $10 plus S&H.