Cheney Joins New Species to Avoid Oversight

Dick Cheney’s Chief of Staff, Lumpy Farnsworth, asserted yesterday that the Vice President will not release any classified documents because he is, in fact, a giant Peruvian penguin. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow clarified, “I know, Secretary sounds like a girl’s job.” He continued, “The Vice President simply cannot ‘hand over’ documents. Everybody knows penguins have no hands. Mr. Cheney was never explicitly asked to ‘flipper over’ any documents.”

After the real Penguin and his arch enemy, Batman, debunked Mr. Cheney’s claim, the Vice President’s legal team released this statement:

“One year ago, Vice President Cheney hired a no-bid contractor to build a top-secret sanctuary inside his own head. This ‘Island of Justice’ (IOJ) will act as America’s K-Y Jelly, keeping the ferocious thrust of freedom from tearing and bleeding. Like Guantanamo, IOJ operates well outside US or Jedi jurisdiction. The Island features amenities like encrypted e-mail, a clone army, and a modest Lipitor factory.”

In a strange press conference this morning, Mr. Cheney somersaulted into the room and hopped onto the podium. He introduced himself as “Imperial Commander of the Island of Justice, the most magical place in the whole, wide world.” Mr. Cheney then held up a gold medallion with a “~” symbol. “From this day forward, you may call me ‘Squiggly Thing’”. He stopped abruptly and skipped out of the building into the Vice Presidential limo, Ambulance Two.

After the press conference, Bill Kristol of FOX News defended the Vice President. “Squiggly Thing is definitely not part of the Executive Branch. He’s a completely different person,” he insisted. “I would go as far as to say, that as long as he’s not on US soil, he’s not bound by any US laws.”

“That includes when he jumps,” confirmed Hallie Burton, Mr. Cheney’s lead attorney. “In fact, any decisions made while Dick Cheney is airborne are not subject to US law. That goes doubly for Squiggly Thing.” She added, “Both Mr. Cheney and Squiggly Thing are training with LeBron James to maximize their leaping abilities. The conditioning will allow them to issue non-Executive orders in complete sentences, instead of fragments like ‘fire attorneys’ or ‘kill Michael Mooo’.”

Administration officials claim that Mr. Cheney and Mr. Squiggly are quite close, but competitive. “They’re even planning a hunting trip,” revealed one cabinet member.

After the press demanded access to Squiggly Thing and the Island of Justice, Lumpy Farnsworth announced a plan to hide five Golden Squigglies inside random oil barrels. “The first five reporters who find these, will win a free tour of The Island,” he explained.

The announcement triggered an immediate spike in oil demand.


by faktorial.com – where one more bite from Dick Cheney will definitely turn us Republican!