Japanese Man sues King of Pop for Losing Face

A financially-strapped Michael Jackson, who recently auctioned off his petrified pet chimp, his detachable scrotum, and the boy holding it, is being sued. In papers filed today in Tokyo, Ichiro Suzuki, who paid $3,500 for a 30 second face to face meeting with Jackson, claims the meeting did not actually happen because "Mr. Jack-san has no face." Mr. Suzuki and his nine year-old son Kibuki Suzuki are suing for 540 Billion Yen, or $167.50. The suit alleges the boy is now "too traumatized to attend Thriller Middle School , a prestigious Karaoke academy, causing the family great shame." Jackson's publicist promised the star would address all charges once he locates his mouth, which he recently misplaced. Should he prevail, Mr. Suzuki plans to use the money to meet his other heroes, Robert Blake and Sirhan Sirhan.

Press-Telegram - $3,500 for face time with King of Pop

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Nicole Kidman's Wedding to Air Exclusively on the 'Who Gives a Shit Channel'

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Nigeria Pledges Aid to Katrina Victims

In the wake of the killer storm that hit New Orleans and neighboring regions, Nigeria, Congo, Mozambique and other African nations pledged aid to the grief stricken victims. Mbala Kundu, Ambassador from Ethiopia said, "We were outraged by the pain and suffering we saw on television. It is unconscionable." The press conference was temporarily interrupted by the moaning stomachs of several hungry African reporters, who were promptly removed from the room and slaughtered.

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Japanese PM Seeks to Engorge Japan's Tiny Beef Industry

After weeks of intense negotiations, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice believes "it's just a matter of time before Japan is fully penetrated by big American beef producers." Stunned by the swift progress, Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi admitted, "Colin Powell-san did not permit me get to second base until our third or fourth negotiation."

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Venezuelan President Calls "Shotgun" on the Second Breast

After severe flooding, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez successfully negotiates for food. When the tenacious leader promised to "get to the bottom of the situation", the baby was promptly removed. The baby was later quoted as saying, "Dude, he better not finish that shit!"

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Poison Ravages Face of Ukrainian Candidate

Ukraine's likely President, Viktor Yushchenko, who was poisoned by pro-Russia agents, hopes damage to his once-handsome face is temporary. Speaking from his tree house, Mr. Yushchenko notes other side-effects include cravings for cotton candy, young boys and red satin paramilitary uniforms.

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"Losing Doesn't Mean I Don't Love You"

Shortly after losing their bid for the White House, John Kerry and John Edwards wed in a quiet ceremony in a suburb of Boston. Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy was the bridesmaid.

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John Edwards Admits to 'Electile Dysfunction'

A month after disappearing from the political landscape, Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards resurfaced at the League of Unbelievably Meek Politicians (LUMP). After dining with Walter Mondale and Michael Dukakis, the candidate offered Dick Cheney $60,000 for the return of "at least one" of his testicles.

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MTV Star Dick's "Not in it for the Chicks!"

In a surprise press conference, Comedian Andy Dick cradled a young, hairless boy as he declared that he got into showbiz "for the art." The young boy appeared unharmed, but somewhat disoriented.

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Finally, the Dead & Undead Have a Place to Shop

Costco just began test marketing coffins. I say it's about time! This has been a hugely profitable business where scummy funeral parlors notoriously take advantage of grieving families by "upselling" them to tha latest models/ You know, the ones with sunroof, worm-proofing, mini-bar. And the last place you want to seem cheap is when burrying a loved one. ....but let's face it, they won't know the difference. I say skip the coffin, save the $800 and get youself a hooker. You'll still have enough left over for a shovel, a large rock and chisel, and a trip to the woods.




MSNBC - Costco begins test marketing caskets

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Tom Ridge Discovers Beef Chili, Issues Brown Alert

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Najaf Tourism Minister Resigns

Newly Appointed Minister, Anonymous Abdul, confident visiting Pakistani militants are "ready to spend."

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That's just Hot!

...wishing you never peeled back that burka?

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Norman Mailer: Still Alive!!! (and commenting on Fahrenheit 9/11)

Interesting article. Mailer and his grandson discuss the movie. He's pinning his hopes on riots and urination on the American flag during the Republican convention in NYC. I guess he doesn't realize that even hippies have HBO and now only urinate recreationally.

It's a good read:

Norman Mailer and John Buffalo Mailer Discuss Protests at the Republican National Convention

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