Japanese Man sues King of Pop for Losing Face

A financially-strapped Michael Jackson, who recently auctioned off his petrified pet chimp, his detachable scrotum, and the boy holding it, is being sued. In papers filed today in Tokyo, Ichiro Suzuki, who paid $3,500 for a 30 second face to face meeting with Jackson, claims the meeting did not actually happen because "Mr. Jack-san has no face." Mr. Suzuki and his nine year-old son Kibuki Suzuki are suing for 540 Billion Yen, or $167.50. The suit alleges the boy is now "too traumatized to attend Thriller Middle School , a prestigious Karaoke academy, causing the family great shame." Jackson's publicist promised the star would address all charges once he locates his mouth, which he recently misplaced. Should he prevail, Mr. Suzuki plans to use the money to meet his other heroes, Robert Blake and Sirhan Sirhan.

Press-Telegram - $3,500 for face time with King of Pop

read the rest of this faktorial here!

COMMENTARY: Paris Hilton’s Grimy Eggs for President!

As I watch a stray breadcrumb cascade over my second and third chins onto my engorged belly, my heart aches. No, not over that second chicken roll. I am upset over the tragic loss of Anna Nicole Smith. (I’m also slightly annoyed that Snickers ads are making me homophobic.) Why is Anna’s death so traumatic to this Bloated-American? Well, she was part of my master plan to arouse our flaccid democracy, save the Presidency, and revitalize the dairy industry.

First, let’s review why our country and political system look a lot like the payload of a crazed astronaut’s diaper:

1. George W. Bush – if he were any less successful, he’d be producing CBS’s Armed & Famous in a Jimmy Carter mask.
2. Diane Feinstein – this criminal doled out $792 million to her husband through her Congressional subcommittee. It’s not that her colleagues were seduced by her soft, supple skin and pear-shaped, 73-year old booty. No, these other cronies are in on the joke. Why do you think there’s never been a credible campaign finance reform bill…or a black person served at Denny’s?
3. Race-Religion-Sexual Orientation-Dick Cheney - What do all these have in common? They are all tools. And, they’re ways to divide us. They divert focus from things that truly matter like healthcare, education, and Paula Abdul.

So where’s the fix, oh Great Faktorial.com? The answer lies in Paris Hilton’s jeans. No, not those odd, red blisters. Her eggs. The only way to save our democracy is to carefully breed future politicians. That’s right, BREED! If it can get us a Labradoodle, it can get us a president.

Some propose taxing the rich. I propose impregnating them – early and often. Only by crossbreeding the rich with geniuses can we save our system. Just yesterday, I was only a nurse and a Barry White CD away from producing Stephen Hawking’s and heiress Anna Nicole’s lovechild. Now, I sit and wait for Madonna’s signature before I can baste Lourdes Ciccone in Hawking’s priceless stew. Again, democracy suffers.

Why such desperate measures? Money. Our system is corrupt. We’re not electing a President, we’re buying carefully packaged products, each costing $200 million+ to market. If you’re a candidate and someone gives you say $1 million, a goodnight kiss just won’t do. You’re getting full-on, hard-core lesbian #$% with a #$% stuffed in your #$*(&%, with enough tongue %^&*)*_ to buckle a mid-sized rhino.

Look at Hillary (carefully and through a pinhole). She’s a soulless, calculated, poll-molded, bundle of ambition. Even without any genuine principles or decent electrolysis, she may be the best candidate that special interest money can buy.

Republican options don’t look great either. Rudy’s sitting on the fence, aggravating an already testy prostate. McCain’s courting the kooks that got Bush into office. John, buddy, what happened? And, Mitt Romney is busy explaining how having 12 wives, wearing magic underwear, and believing in gold plates handed out by angels won’t affect his political decisions. Kookoo Kookoo….

There is hope. There is a type of independent politician that has principles – bored billionaires tired of airborne Jacuzzi’s, sex at Nobu, and meals with models:

• Exhibit A: NY Governor Eliot Spitzer. The guy takes on everybody – thieving corporations, his own party, schoolchildren. I heard he punched his mother the other day. This guy’s on fire! He’s one of the few politicians with balls. Enjoy his balls while you can. They are few and far between, so to speak. Fighting worthless bureaucrats without leverage is a sign of independence. It is also a sign that Zoloft is under-prescribed. I admire anyone willing to take on his own party. It reminds me of the time I went to war with my penis over this fat girl. We both lost.
• Exhibit B: NY Mayor Bloomberg. This little fidget is doing a great job! He is by far the best mayor NY has ever seen. And, in my opinion, the only person in the US qualified to be President, or Mini-me in Austin Powers 4. Think about it. Bill Clinton won after running a $47,000 budget where 2.5 million people share a single, tattered DNA strand. In contrast, Bloomberg built a global company and is running something far more complex – a Sybian vibrator for his girlfriend. Not easy getting excited for the little tyke – power or not. Anyway, you get my point.

Finally, this solution has its risks. While JFK was great, JFK Jr. was weeded out by Darwin. If only a plane was as easy to operate as genitalia…what might have been. Anyway, there is no room for mistakes. Your mission is clear: If you have a billion dollars, please f*ck a genius! Our country is riding on it. Suri Cruise is riding on it, or will be in 16 years.

P.S. - There is one simpler solution. We could just pay politicians for performance. Have a reward structure like businesses do. Maybe we’d actually attract fewer intern-touchers and more high-performers. Of course, that wouldn’t be nearly as fun as shtupping Paris Hilton. That’s hot!


By faktorial.com – where genetic engineering and natural selection feel just a little bit dirty.

read the rest of this faktorial here!

Remorseful ‘Kramer’ Vows to Reverse Slavery, Apartheid and Moesha

Los Angeles - After his shocking, racist tirade at a Los Angeles comedy club, Michael Richards has vowed to make things right. After awkward apologies to black leaders like Jesse Jackson, Gloria Allred, and Tiki Barber, Richards announced plans to travel back in time to “end every scourge that has ever plagued Afro-Americans including slavery, apartheid, and occasionally ashy skin.” Facing thinly-veiled threats against his wealth, like Al Sharpton wearing a suit made entirely out of Richards’s old W-2 forms, the comedian chose humanitarian time travel instead.

Shortly after finishing the last leg of his apology tour at LeVar Burton’s house, Richards boarded a small, Nintendo-built time craft called the “Woo”. Although PC Magazine complained about the Woo’s “poor user interface” and “cheap wireless controller”, Richards believed it was good enough to get him to Africa circa 1619 AD. Nintendo stepped in to build the craft after Richards was robbed of $4.7 million in cash, as he waited in line to buy Sony’s new TM3, a Blu-Ray equipped time machine.

While it is unclear what impact Richards efforts will yield, Stanford anthropologist Alice Tang believes she has discovered several etchings in Nigeria of what appear to be a gangly, white man being boiled. Sir Lernsalot, a famed British historian, found journals from English slave traders referring to a “Hipster Doofus slave dealer” living in Nigeria. One slave trader’s journal-entry read, “Wow, is this guy racist!” He later wrote, “What’s a ‘spik’?” Despite the revolutionary implications of these discoveries, neither President Oprah nor Vice President Tyra Banks could be reached for comment.

Even without conclusive evidence of Richard’s guilt-ridden efforts, many believe the country now faces a free speech crisis. Alex Tankian, a Harvard linguistics professor, warns, “Demands by black leaders to end the use of the n-word leads us down a slippery slope until the only ones left with the right to say n**ger are a bunch of racist m***er-f***ing, c**k-s**kers like the KKK or some tunnel bunny c**t you pay 50 bucks to s**t on you and call you a ‘dirty, m*****-******, c***-s***** little b****’ while she $%^^&^$&@$* you in a plastic bag.”


By faktorial.com – where we take solace in knowing we still have Elaine

read the rest of this faktorial here!

Madonna, Jolie Busted in ‘Adopted Celebrity Deathmatch’ Plot

Suspicious of the sudden outbreak of wealthy, white celebrities adopting poor children from the Third World, police set up a sting operation. Their worst fears were confirmed by Kwaze “David” Banda, a three-foot tall, Malawi detective, who posed as an adorable, muscular orphan. Banda secretly recorded a cockney-accented Madonna Ciccone, his adoptive-Diva-to-be, scheming to train Banda to battle Mia Farrow’s Third World Order (T.W.O.), the world’s deadliest band of orphans. For over a decade, Farrow’s T.W.O. has dominated the lethal and secretive ‘Adopted Celebrity Deathmatch’ tournament. Instead of lawyers, cowardly Hollywood Caucasians used orphan combat to settle scores the way gangsta rappers, strippers, and Sean Penn have done since Molly Ringwald was pretty in p...was pretty.

After a week of surveillance, LA police were led to a secluded battleground etched into the Beverly Hills backyard of Stephen Spielberg. A police helicopter spied Spielberg’s adopted children Theo and Mikaela sword fighting with Jet Li and Sammo Hung Fat. The ex-orphans were apparently training to fight Zahara Jolie Pitt, who, despite her tender age of two, has already decapitated several adopted celebrities including Al Roker’s daughter, Aureo, and several interns at Paramount. (Deathmatch rules are based on the movie Highlander, in which immortals battle for supremacy and beheading is the sole means of victory. Police found the movie’s slogan, “There Can Be Only One” tattooed above Zahara Jolie Pitt’s’s buttocks.)

On the eve of the battle, Police raided Spielberg’s home, arresting countless celebrities including Angelina Jolie, Madonna, and Nicole Ritchie's skeleton. However, Farrow and her fearsome orphans escaped. Farrow’s ex-husband Woody Allen later commented, “I hope someone finally stops her evil. I have a very low threshold of death. I grew up in Brooklyn, where nobody killed their adopted kids. They were too unhappy – to kill or to adopt. That’s why I daringly rescued Sun Yi from Mia’s Dojo of Death. Actually, I had Tony Roberts and Diane Keaton do it. Ripping out nipples and bladders is no life for a 12 year old girl. Certainly not for a Jew.” Allen elaborated on his marriage to Farrow’s adoptive daughter, “We never intended to fall in love. That only happened while we hid deep in the hills of the Upper West Side. The whole situation almost made me neurotic.”

Although he may have ended several Hollywood careers, Kwaze Banda has also suffered. The pint-sized cop – and real-life orphan, developed an attachment to Madonna, who was the only mother he had ever known. He still smiles as he recalls how she would tickle his belly while he breastfed. “I hope she reconsiders and still goes through with the adoption,” admitted the 28 year old detective. “The way I see it, I can either spend the rest of my life eating government rice and dodging AIDS, or I can spend my nights drinking Cristal and getting fellatio from supermodels at Bungalow 8. Which would you choose?“

In a related note, Brad Pitt, who was arrested in the raid, was later released for having no knowledge. Hours after his release, the disoriented Pitt was found wandering West Los Angeles looking for a script to tell him how to get home.


by faktorial.com – the last bastion of hope for surplus Asian and African orphans

read the rest of this faktorial here!

Australia Orders Protection for its Last Remaining Celebrity

After the untimely death of one of Australia's greatest celebrities, Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, the country is taking no chances with its only remaining celebrity, Russell Crowe. Prime Minister John Howard immediately mobilized Australia's National Guard and Navy to defend the actor from any "aerial, aquatic, terrestrial or extra-terrestrial threats."

While Mr. Crowe was on location in Canada filming "A Beautiful Master and Gladiator Man" with Ron Howard, the Australian Navy installed a 40 mile underwater fence around the actor's oceanfront Australian estate to protect the actor from blood-thirsty stingrays, celebrity-hating jellyfish, and pointy-edged clams.

While environmentalists fear the fence will kill thousands of fish and endanger the area's ecology, the hard-nosed Australian Prime Minister exclaimed, "I would personally kill every shark in the ocean and beat every hotel employee to a bloody pulp to save Russell Crowe from even one premature wrinkle!"

Australian officials acknowledged that outfitting Mr. Crowe's Hummer with a rocket launcher and cavity-searching Samuel L. Jackson, Crowe's current co-star, only underscores the dire state of the country's entertainment industry. After Crowe, the best known Australian celebrities are a racist, peg-legged clown named Scuffles and Phil, The Incredible Mustache Boy, who is quickly approaching puberty.

To avert future crises, Australia plans to open several celebrity training camps where any semblance of talent can qualify applicants for substantial arts grants and round-the-clock security. Unfortunately, early auditions were cancelled after several hopefuls badly scorched their genitals, while others attempted "dangerous and unsanitary insertions". A disgusted government official noted, "It looked like Jackass 3 out there. I don't think real talent should require lubricant."

Despite the sudden government mobilization, most Australians simply ruminated on Mr. Irwin's passing. "There's a human side to this tragedy," said Abbey Johns, a receptionist from Sydney, Australian. "I know that to people in America, an entire nation mourning the wacky crocodile poker on channel 147 seems crazy...but here, he's on channel 2." Ms. Johns paused for a moment, " To us, Steve Irwin represented something magical. He was one of our own. A proud Aussie who made it. He lived life to the fullest. He wore shorts to work."

Mr. Irwin will be laid to rest early Wednesday morning. On Thursday, the stingray that killed him will appear on the popular Aussie reality show, "The Fish Whisperer", where Wally "Aquaman" Green will attempt to rehabilitate it. If the fish fails to accept accountability, it is tentatively booked to appear Friday on "Grillin' and Chillin' with Paul Hogan".


- by faktorial.com, the home for classic Australian comedy

Excite News

read the rest of this faktorial here!

Corrupt African Tyrants Honor Bono, Geldof

This week, dozens of African tyrants gathered to honor rock star Bono of U2 and friend of rock stars, Bob Geldof for organizing the global “Live 8” concert and raising billions for poor African countries. The flamboyant three day ceremony was held at the gold-plated palace of Zaire’s Supreme Ruler and Diety, Mbutu Fukuutu.

On opening night, fireworks kicked off an evening of passionate speeches and elaborate dance numbers. In a rousing oratory, Tukku Mmune, military despot of Congo, tearfully thanked Bono and Geldof. “With this extra money, we can now execute 400 nomads a week, up from only 200 last month!” Wiping a tear, he continued, “We can then beat the remaining tribes with high-grade wood sticks made from UN aid boxes. All because of you, Geldof…and the one with the funny glasses!” toasted the emotional Mmune.

Kuke Krukke, ruler of Zimbabwe, best known for hatcheting 700,000 Zulus, offered Geldof and Bono a tribal skull cap - made of actual Zulu skulls. “I honor you with the fruits of my life’s work. May your bones find their purpose long after they have been severed!” exulted Mr. Krukke as he raised his glass to toast the somewhat uncomfortable guests of honor.

At the second night’s dinner, Ugrubbe one of the bejeweled revelers joked, “Stupid Pink Floyd reunited with Roger Waters all for us!!!” Nigeria’s ruler suggested he will name his new tanks “The Waters Brigade”, which he will use to crush human rights protesters because the sound reminds him of “bubble wrap”. Neither Waters nor Pink Floyd could attend the ceremony due to a previously scheduled performance to benefit Pfizer, the ailing drug maker.

On the final night of the event, all guests received free gift bags containing diamond earrings, an iPod Nano pre-loaded with the sounds of Zulus being slaughtered, and gold plated bones of several unidentified African opposition leaders. “I got a femur,” bragged Zutubu Mbruk, son of Congo’s Minister of War. “I have a pinky,” waved Summ Dummi, Crown Prince of Sudan. After dinner, the royal offspring competed to see who would be first to piece together and identify their unlucky bone donor.

---by faktorial.com where brilliant satire fights hunger, stupidity and gingivitis.

http://www.azstarnet.com/news/122807

read the rest of this faktorial here!

Johnny Carson Excavated, Back on Life Support; Hospitals Fill Up With Vegetables

Despite being dead for over two months, doctors have excavated Johnny Carson and attached him to life support. Stricken by fear of a Republican crackdown on the medical industry after the Terri Schiavo case, doctors are taking no chances. Medical professionals have been spotted in cemeteries across the country digging furiously. It is rumored that Richard Nixon, Marilyn Monroe and Tara Reid have all been dug up and hooked up to life support.

Many are borderline cases. For example, medical experts remain unsure if former actor Judd Nelson, who has recently been placed on life support, is himself dead or if it is his career that passed on. Unsure of how to resuscitate his career, doctors feel they have a far better chance if Mr. Nelson is indeed dead.

“I can’t believe it has come to this,” noted a prominent New York physician, on the condition of anonymity. “We ran out of outlets. There’s no way we can keep all these people plugged in forever.”

Living patients are growing furious, as well. “My mother was scheduled for a lung transplant today, but they just told us her doctor is out digging up Mickey Mantle. It’s outrageous! These people are f--king dead! Let it be.”

As hospitals fill up with the dead and near-dead, cities across America resemble a Bangladeshi airport. The crippled and infirmed wander the streets aimlessly with untreated head wounds, broken limbs and contagious diseases. Conversely, hospitals are eerily quiet, apart from occasional flickering lights and a mad tangle of extension cords and feeding tubes. Once in a while, a vegetative patient blinks, spurring the hopes and dreams of a nearby Republican.

After successfully castrating the entertainment industry over Janet Jackson’s floppy boob, Conservatives have set their sights on the medical profession. Today alone, two senators and Jesse Jackson had to be surgically separated from Terri Schiavo’s leg. To date, Ms. Schiavo has inspired Congressional debates, presidential intervention and a Nyquil endorsement.

While legislators made their case to keep Ms. Schiavo alive, 857 people died due to lack of health insurance, 46 US soldiers were killed in Iraq by guns bought with US oil money and 59 prisoners were sentenced to death by Republican judges.

While it is unlikely that Ms. Schiavo will ever recover, there is great hope that if she does, she will flash her nipples at next Super Bowl. The American Dream never dies. Never.

---Visit www.faktorial.com for more wit and satire gone horribly, horrible wrong.



New York Daily News - Home - Jesse joins Terri fight

read the rest of this faktorial here!

Vinny "The Toe" Cortelli to Host 3rd Annual Golden Guido Awards

Not to be outdone by all the Oscars hooplah, the Academy of Construction Arts (ACA) just announced the host of the 2005 Golden Guido Awards. Vinny "The Toe" Cortelli, best known for his innovations in "toe discipline" in the fields of construction and waste management, will host the festivities. The show, in its third year, pays tribute to people in "real jobs" like construction, laundry, restaurant and club management, and garbage collection.

"It's about f-ckn' time," said Pudgy "da Fish" Tucci, a close associate of Mr. Cortelli. "Acting? It's a pile of sh-t. I wanna see Hilary Swank get a 500% return on a friggin' laundromat on Flatbush Avenue."

Mr. Cortelli, or "The Toe" as his friends call him, echoed those sympathies, "I seen guys hit in da head with hot rivets. Where is their trophy? I've seen a couple of guys accidentally fall down two, tree flights of stairs and still show up for work at seven da next day. I'd be proud to hand dat man a Golden Guido, no matta how many broken fingas he's got."

Last year's big winner, Poochie, walked away with three Golden Guidos including "Fastest Trunk Disinfection" and the coveted "Most Mortified Shopkeeper" awards. The show will air on FOX this Sunday at 9PM before a special episode of Cops, filmed after the awards ceremony.


Excite News

read the rest of this faktorial here!

Pretty Girls Don't Tsunami

Joining the ranks of other beautiful women who don't have to wait for cabs, carry their own baggage or meet people who aren't "really nice", supermodel Petra Nemcova just survived the Asian Tsunami that swept away over 25,000 others including her own boyfriend. Luckily, after the death and destruction was all over, Petra met a really nice rescue worker with "great pecks" whom she'll be dating until she realizes he can't get her into Nobu.

Shortly after the heart-wrenching incident, Petra was re-united with her considerably uglier, secretly jealous friends for a night of disco dancing to help get over the horror and tragedy.

Stepping over hundreds of bodies on their way to the club, Blanka Bouvier, also a model and friend of Petra, noted, "If they want people to have a good time, they should really clean this place up."

After a night of clubbing, the girls, annoyed that the local pizza place was closed, threw a tantrum, scored some coke and had meaningles sex with Leonardo DiCaprio, who also miraculously survived the disaster.

by faktorial.com

Link to Daily News Story:

New York Daily News - Home - N.Y. supermodel held on for dear life for 8 hours in raging surf

read the rest of this faktorial here!

'Cheers' Star Shelley Long Attempts Suicide; Kirstie Alley Eats Ted Danson

Former sitcom star Shelley Long, 55, attempted to overdose on pain killers. She has long been suffering from Suzanne Summersitis, an acute form of depression common to aging female sitcom stars who leave a hit TV show too early. The disease is at its deadliest around September through December coinciding with the start of a new TV season, which will undoubtedly not contain performances by any of the afflicted actors.

Ms. Long was checked into the Ally Sheedy wing of UCLA Medical Center where Corey Haim, Anthony Michael Hall and C. Thomas Howell are currently housed. She will receive care from highly experienced physicians who know how to make former celebrities feel at home.


In an unrelated story, Kirsty Alley, the behemoth actress who replaced long on Cheers has eaten her former co-star Ted Danson. Alley was guest-starring on some CBS sitcom apparently starring Mr. Danson. When the lunch caterers got delayed in traffic, Ms. Alley went on an eating rampage. Several assistants and one cameraman are also suspected devoured. An investigation is ongoing.

An unidentified officer at the scene was quoted as saying, "It was rather gruesome. By the time we got there, she was so exhausted and full, she had collapsed on the floor of her dressing room. She was still clutching somebody's bloody finger, which she was must have been using as either a toothpick or an emergency snack. We won't know the whole story until the forklift delivers her to, or near, a police station for questioning."

The LAPD would also like the public to know that both Norm and the mailman guy from Cheers are fine.



New York Post: Shelley Long Suicide Attempt

read the rest of this faktorial here!

Eminem Granted Permission to Use the 'N-Word'; Rapper Layoffs Expected

In an unprecendented move, the NAACP, ACLU, BET, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and the Wu-Tang Clan have all signed a petition to allow white rapper Eminem to use the N-word. While black rappers have freely used the word in both its '-a' and '-er' forms, white rappers have had to hire black rappers to use the word on their albums. Many felt that this has severely damaged white rappers' ability to get "street-cred" in the black community.

Ripples of this historic event are being felt throughout the music community. Neither Jay-Z nor fellow-rapper/producer Kanye West had heard the news when they were greeted by a beaming Eminem backstage at the American Music Awards. Mr. West recalls, "Em came up to me, shook my hand and was like 'Wassup Ni---a!', so I punched him in the head and kicked him in the balls."

"Damn, Kanye knock him out cold!" remembered Jay-Z. "I thought he dead." Apparently, once Eminem regained consciousness, he pulled out his "Honorary N----" certificate. "That's when I punched him," smiled Jay-Z. "I thought he be playin' a bad joke." While Eminem was out a second time, Jay-Z reviewed the document and realized it was authentic. "I was like, 'damn, I guess he is an 'honorary n----!' It still don't feel right, but if anyone deserve it, it's Em. I guess I'll have to get used to it and stop beating his cracker ass."

"A lot of white rappers have come and gone - Vanilla Ice, Marky Mark, and several other douchebags Suge Night got hanging off his balcony. Eminem is the only one to have real staying power. Not to mention, phat beats, mad-pimpin' rhymes, and mink seat covers on his Escalade," said Brian Williams, associate editor of GQ (Gangsta Quarterly) Magazine, which sponsored the petition. "Unlike other whites, with lilly-white lives, Eminem is almost completely surrounded by black people. That has to count for something."

Activist and former presidential candidate Al Sharpton agrees, "I always hear white people make borderline racist comments and immediately try to cover up by saying, 'I have a lot of black friends'. Well, I think we finally found the one white guy who got all the black friends. I'd be proud to call him my honorary brotha from another mother, if I knew it would get me on TV."

Some in the rap community have not been as gracious. Several African American rappers, who asked to remain nameless, suspected their cameos on Eminem albums are about to dry up. One concerned rapper noted, "Now that he a n-----, there ain't no stopping him. He don't need us no more." The rapper also fired a sobering warning shot, "Now, if I hear one damn rumor about how big is his c--- is, I'm gonna pop a cap in that motherf-----."

Only time will tell if Eminem can truly use the N-word, and his c--k, wisely.

by faktorial.com - where we always use our c--ks with extreme caution



RollingStone.com: News - Eminem - The Serious Side of Eminem

read the rest of this faktorial here!

Dan Rather Beheaded By Pro-Bush Militants

Dan Rather. the legendary CBS News anchor and reporter was beheaded today by a militant faction of the US Government called "the FBI." Rather, who two days earlier was kidnapped from CBS world headquarters in New York, was believed to be targeted by the Bush administration for his report on how patronage helped George W. Bush avoid military service during the Vietnam War. Although the report proved to be false, several members affiliated with the Don Rumsfeld Brigade swore vengeance on Rather and CBS.

A grainy video tape was posted on www.bushordie.net that appeared to show the CBS journalist kneeling before the camera pleading for exclusive rights to air his own beheading on the CBS Evening News, which could desperately use a ratings boost. The assailants, wearing OJ Simpson masks, ignored Rather's pleas and violently beheaded him with what appeared to be a monogrammed sheath. Upon closer examination, experts believe the initials to be "D.C." Some believe this to be the work of Dick Cheney, who is widely acknowledged as George Bush's second in command and the most brutal of the US militants. Further observation of the tape supports this claim as the executioner appeared to breathe heavily under his OJ mask and paused frequently during the beheading to catch his breath, take asthma medication, and have his pulse rate checked by one of the other OJ's.

In a press conference held today, that conspicuously excluded any CBS reporters, President Bush said "We will stop at nothing to find and erradiculate these evildoers!" It is widely believed that the President was not referring to the murderous militants, but to the employees of CBS, their immediate families and the producers of "CSI: Poconos".

In what appeared to be a series of related incidents, CBS journalist Connie Chung was severely beaten by a group of elderly Christian women visiting New York from Alabama and '60 Minutes' commentators Andy Rooney and Morley Safer were rushed to the hospital preemptively in anticipation of even the slightest tussle, each is believed to be 114 years old. In response to these tragic events, '60 Minutes' creator Don Hewitt was quoted as saying, "Mmmmmm...mmmmnnnmm," as his mouth was covered with a chloroform-soaked rag and he was dragged by heavily armed militiamen into a navy blue van with government-issued license plates.

by faktorial.com - where we only behead as a last resort

New York Daily News - Politics - Dan's darkest day

read the rest of this faktorial here!

4 of 7 Reality Show Contestants Have Eaten Some Sort of Testicle; 2 of 7 'Kinda Liked It'

With the meteoric rise of reality television fueled by its low development costs and occasional, if short-lived, home-runs, there is also a price to be paid. Apparently, that price is being paid in testicles. The Association of Bovine, Livestock & Testicles (ABLT) reported that shipments of testicles, innards, gizzards and other unidentifiable organs previously used only in hot dogs have doubled over the past 18 months. According to ABLT, that increase is almost completely attributable to reality TV.

Rob Burnett, creator of reality stalwart Survivor, recalls the genesis of the trend, "On Survivor we had some wacky food competitions, but the trend probably took off with Fear Factor. Rumor is that an early episode had each contestant eat one of their immediate relatives. NBC just couldn't get that one past the censors. After that, the industry shied away from cannibalism and moved towards more TV-friendly livestock and insects."

Even established shows are discovering the magic of testicles. A recent Road Rules episode featured a group of 20-somethings eating a buffet of random animal parts. One contestant even had to devour the leftovers in under five minutes. "That was really gross, but I was on TV, Dude!" claimed Dave Robertson, the designated leftover eater. "I'd never even thought of trying testicles before. They weren't so bad. Better to have them poorly cooked than while they're still attached. I'll leave that to Jenna Jameson."

Reportedly, the testicle loading docks in Denver are preparing for a highly anticipated new reality show that promises to test the Testicle industry like no other. "Ballbuster" will be a hybrid of Judge Judy and Fear Factor where feuding spouses will plead their cases to an impartial celebrity judge. The loser must eat a pound of animal testicles. If he or she cannot, the losing contestant would have to survive 10 minutes in a cage with the animal(s) from which the parts were removed. NBC, the network developing the show, is expecting big ratings. Promotions featuring a variety of extremely angry animals were prominently featured during the Olympics.




Entertainmentopia \\ Features \\ Really Hating Reality TV

read the rest of this faktorial here!

US Basketball Team Surrenders Bling; Blames Ho's, Usher

In a surprising announcement, Allen Iverson confessed that he and his teammates no longer have a shot at Olympic gold. Apparently, competing teams hired "thousands of ho's" to visit NBA players' rooms and drain them of their powers.

"It got so bad at one point, I couldn't lift the TV remote," said Tim Duncan, who only played 19 minutes in a loss against Argentina. When he did play, he limped heavily and could barely guard Roberto Santos, or "Blanco Gigante", considered the biggest, whitest man to ever play in Argentina. At the time, the nature of Duncan's injury was undisclosed, but an AP reporter saw a trainer applying a massive ice pack to the NBA MVP's lower torso.

According to the US Olympics Committee, competing teams have been nursing the strategy for almost two years. Some countries even held underground training camps to ensure only the fittest girls made the cut. The women were given fine lingerie, shiny bling, and chrome plating.

"When we won that first game, I thought we'd go out, have a few drinks and have an early practice," said LeBron James, who was coming off a Rookie of the Year NBA season. "Then, we get to the locker room and some fine chickenhead broke in. She put on the new Usher CD and took out a bag of vegetables. Put it this way, I ain't never gonna hear Usher and not think of zucchini."

The players also blamed poor officiating and lack of practice time for their sub-par performance. One NBA official, who asked for anonymity, said the league has retained the services of Pfizer, Starr Jones, and The Professor from 'Gilligan's Island' to find an antidote in time for the 2008 games.

by faktorial.com - where the NBA goes for its sloppy seconds


New York Daily News - Special - U.S. heads home as a bronze bust

read the rest of this faktorial here!

Springsteen Waxes Poetic; Billy Joel Crashes Mercedes into Writer's Block

Over the last few years, I’ve probably related as much to the stubby Dixie Chick as Bruce Springsteen. But, I’ve always respected him as an artist with something to say, like Morpheus from “The Matrix”. After Bruce’s Op-Ed in the New York Times, it’s easy to see why his music endures while Billy Joel crashes his car into every inanimate object on Long Island.

Not to pick on Billy. He’s written a lot of great songs and probably expected to stay at least as popular as, say, Weezie from The Jeffersons. At some point, he admitted that he wrote about small issues, but found himself at a loss once “movin’ out” of mama’s house seemed a lot less relevant in light of 9/11, ethnic cleansing and Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

American music always seems to go one of two ways – towards totally disposable pop like Menudo and Britney Spears or more enduring artists like Springsteen and Chef from South Park. We’ll always crave escapism and simplicity. That’s why it’ll be especially hard to repack and refund the Macarena, ‘Bust a Move’ or Ashley Simpson without a restocking fee.



Quote from Springsteen's Article at:
The New York Times > Opinion > Op-Ed Contributor: Chords for Change

Like many others, in the aftermath of 9/11, I felt the country's unity. I don't remember anything quite like it. I supported the decision to enter Afghanistan and I hoped that the seriousness of the times would bring forth strength, humility and wisdom in our leaders. Instead, we dived headlong into an unnecessary war in Iraq, offering up the lives of our young men and women under circumstances that are now discredited. We ran record deficits, while simultaneously cutting and squeezing services like afterschool programs. We granted tax cuts to the richest 1 percent (corporate bigwigs, well-to-do guitar players), increasing the division of wealth that threatens to destroy our social contract with one another and render mute the promise of "one nation indivisible."

It is through the truthful exercising of the best of human qualities - respect for others, honesty about ourselves, faith in our ideals - that we come to life in God's eyes. It is how our soul, as a nation and as individuals, is revealed. Our American government has strayed too far from American values. It is time to move forward. The country we carry in our hearts is waiting.

read the rest of this faktorial here!

I Want to Have Michael Moore's Pudgy Baby!

As a deranged Bill O'Reilly recounts his tale of chasing down Michael Moore, who by all indications, is not difficult to catch, I am reminded of how much I respect Moore. I will be the first to admit that his opinions often border on Communist ideals even the Marx Brothers, who came up with them, would scoff at. Regardless, Moore represents the exercise of free speech in its purest form. He is what the media once was, before it got conglomerated and afraid to risk its billions in assets by asking hard questions or doing real investigative work.

Conservatives will talk your ears off about "liberal media", but the reality is that while many non-FOX journalists are liberal, they are often toothless and declawed by their corporate captors. In fact, Moore is one of the few people saying what is on his mind and confronting political taboos. Whether you agree with him or not, he does it all with a flair and sense of humor that even his opponents have no choice but to address his assertions. Without people like him, I'm sad to say our society will lose a critical "check and balance", leaving politicians and their corporate bedfellows to decide what's in our best interest.

If you don't think a call from a presidentially-appointed FCC chairman to the head of a major network can stop a program from airing, you'd be naive. Perfect example? Not a single major movie theater chain carried Fahrenheit 9/11, despite the fact that it made over $100M - more than any documentary ever. Guess what? Three of the big chains are major Republican contributors. Because of the geographic monopolies many chains have, there are entire parts of the country that did not get a chance to decide whether they would see the movie or not. In a free society, these companies have every right to make these kinds of decisions (and turn away big profits in the process), but shouldn't we as 'why?'. Are we so pacified and indifferent that we just don't care? I hope not.

PS - You should check out Moore's hilarious old TV shows - Awful Truth and TV Nation now on DVD. Haven't seen Roger & Me yet? ...and you call yourself a Communist

by faktorial.com - where we're still working to get knocked up by Lyndon Larouche

New York Daily News - Home - Bill O'Reilly: Moore is facts-challenged

read the rest of this faktorial here!

Am I actually starting to feel bad for Tyson?

After reading an article in the Times about him living in a shitty little apartment, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. After losing this last fight, I guess his chance at the 100's of millions he once had is gone. And with that tatoo on his face, it's unlikely he'll get through that Morgan Stanley interview. In a separate note, Don King wants you to know he's "doing just fine, thanks for asking."


New York Daily News - Home - Tyson's career gets KO'd

read the rest of this faktorial here!