COMMENTARY: My Ribbed, Lubricated Entry into the Presidential Race [Part 1]

A lot of people are asking why I haven’t been writing as many faktorials lately. I assure you it’s not because of my recent appearance on Dateline NBC. (For the record, it’s not my fault it takes lots of Tootsie Rolls, ribbed Trojans, and chloroform-soaked rags to bond with the MySpace generation.) The real reason for my disappearance is I’ve been making big plans. I am hereby announcing the formation of a depilatory committee to groom me for the White House. In the immortal words of my hero and mentor, Notorious B.L.T., ‘I’s gonna be yo’ PrEZyDENT, beeeyach!!’

You might be wondering what qualifies me to be your Fuhrer. Exhibit A: George W. Bush. He’s dumber than calamari. I can’t even look at him anymore, without imagining him dipped in buttermilk and cornmeal. This is not a tough act to follow. It’s a miracle I don’t have visions of walking through walls, bending space and time, or liberating the demoralized muskrat on top of Donald Trump.

Fortunately, I have so many brilliant ideas that I have to split my platform into two faktorials. Today, my domestic manifesto:

1. Illegal Immigration

Holy sh*t – you mean some dude just crawled from Mexico for 5 hours, under barbed wire, to pick my oranges!!! How freaking awesome is that?!? I love Tropicana! I don’t know anyone else clamoring to pick those oranges, do you? I won’t even get up to find the remote control. I’ll sit through hours of incredibly gay programming on Bravo, until I have to pee. Even then, I spend a minute pondering the physics of using that empty Snapple bottle that seems almost within range...almost.

Verdict: I love immigrants! The more illegal, the less I have to tip them! My plan is to educate them, groom them, and teach them calculus until they can invent a remote that lovingly jumps into my arms and allows me to reduce my gay programming intake, at least until the batteries die. Miguel? Miguel!! Donde estan los Alkalines?

2. Healthcare Reform

Yeah, I saw Sicko. I understand the problem. How can the fattest filmmaker in America be the face of healthcare reform? It’s clear I have to do something. If for no other reason, than because I’m marginally less bloated. (Mike – have you considered a fruit? Any will do. A grape? Try it without the butter.)

My plan to reform healthcare is two pronged. Literally. I will make 4-pronged forks illegal. My research tells me that two-pronged forks will increase food-fork slippage by 40%. If my math is right, more food on the floor = less food in your big fat, wretched gullet!

My other solution? Eliminate doctors! It seems their greed is causing the price of healthcare to spiral out of control. Those poor HMO’s have to spend precious resources riding these lethargic “caregivers”. I say if you can’t get from A) Naked Patient to B) Washing Your Index Finger, in less than 4 minutes, you’re no Jenna Jameson, Doc.

Under my administration, you’ll be able to go straight into Cigna’s headquarters and have one of their secretaries cup your genitals and have you cough. It will be considerably cheaper. The best part is that the secretary can then immediately process your claim – no extra administration! No doctors! No hernia!! Probably.

3. Energy Independence

Are you tired of killing Arabs in the hopes of saving at the pump? I know I am. I thought for sure that last Texaco manager would shoot back. My solution? It’s the dirty word no politician wants to use. No, not Motherf^%&er. Conservation. It’s time everyone used smaller cars. Unless you have a lumberyard or a platinum rap album, there’s no reason for you to drive an Escalade. I propose government investment in wind-powered, “sail-cars”. You might get home, or you might drift towards the Panama Canal. Either way, America wins.

Also, instead of unnecessary leisure travel, I propose tapping into the most plentiful resource on Earth - Japanese vacation photos. By partnering with Japan and Google Maps, we can superimpose your fat family on top of a much smaller, trimmer Japanese one and voila! Instant vacation, without the waste.

4. Government Reform

I’m tired of corporate interests subverting our democracy with their bribes, lobbyists, and loose-lipped D.C. hookers. We need to give control back to the people. The little people. I mean that literally. After watching ‘Little People, Big World’ on TLC, I realized that the only noble people left on Earth are dwarves (and probably elves and trolls, but they don’t have a show yet.). I propose an entire government of legislators no taller than 4 foot 11 inches. Not only will they lead justly, but they’re cheaper to maintain and you can send fourth graders to kick their asses if they screw up.

Coming soon: ‘Part 2 - Jews for Jihad’. How my presidency can stop terrorism, nuclear proliferation, and Al Gore. You’ll never look at a warhead the same way again.


By Faktorial.com – where elves and trolls turn for political empowerment.

read the rest of this faktorial here!

COMMENTARY: Is Mitt Romney Slowly Turning Me Gay?

Yes, it's that time again - when the huddled masses turn to faktorial.com for a deep, penetrating, and wonderfully sloppy Presidential endorsement. Much like foreplay with a cannibal, we're gonna take this one slow. Today, you'll get my take on the Gay Old Party. Six years under Sith Lord Rove and Darth Cheney and I've completely lost my taste for Bush.

Today’s Republicans are a funny bunch. Not “ha-ha” funny. More of a “get ammo at Wal-Mart, shoot illegal Mexicans, and torture A-rabs” kind of funny. Their convention is increasingly dominated by people who believe dinosaurs, Adam and Eve, and Spartacus fought over apples at the Olive Garden, circa 1492.

When catering to nuts, we should cut the presidential candidates a little slack. When Mike Huckabee proposes arming toddlers to hunt non-pregnant, illegals from July through October, take heart. You can safely assume he really means August. (Note to Blanca Rodriguez: follow the map on the back of your sonogram to safety. And, RUN!! ANDALE!!)

In this week's debate, candidates were asked to raise their hands if they didn't believe in evolution. Three raised their hands! WHAAAT?!?? Leading gullible Americans down the path of ignorance is an act of treason. When their hands went up, I half-expected the midget from Jackass to run onstage and staple Sam Brownback's scrotum to the podium. No such luck. We'll have to wait for the DVD extras.

PROUD PAPA RUDY

Wearing his best crotch-less pandering panties and a matching purse, Giuliani came up with a doozy. When asked about abortion rights, which he supports (and will continue to), he said (I'm paraphrasing), "Oompa Loompa, you're baby's a clot. If you have a plunger, you can use it or not."

Why insult our intelligent design, Rudy? Wouldn't conservatives respect you more if you just said what you really believe? And, that you're not just a one issue candidate, but you also took a lot of photos near Ground Zero.

Giuliani would be great if there were Guidos overcharging for garbage collection in Georgetown. Or, if strippers tried selling fish 10 yards from the Pentagon. Sadly, he's not a visionary. He's like an upscale bouncer - great with brass knuckles, but a little scary with warheads, or strappy red pumps.

LOVIN’ MITT

Isn't Mitt Romney puuurrrty? I think they came up with the "60 is the new 40" expression just for him. Of course, I've seen the other ten million 60 year olds. They all look like Don Imus and are counting the days until bus fare is half price.

Don't get me wrong, Romney is a good businessman and a smart guy...except for believing in magical, gold plates and a unicorn named Luigi. No, he's not perfect, but he looks the part. He's got great hair, perfect teeth, an olive tan. I might not vote for him, but I'm eerily close to rubbing Coppertone on his back.

JOHNNY MAVERICK

What happened to our Maverick McCain? He seems old and looks like his diaper’s full of compromises. He's also the only one enthusiastic about Bush's new Iraq "strategy". Adding troops to a civil war and calling it a "strategy" is like adding “thoughtless little pig” at the end of a voicemail to your 11 year old daughter and calling it “parenting”.

I still respect McCain, but old farts should never be president. They just don't give a crap and are prone to Viagra rage. Imagine having a shiny, new boner and the only place you can park it is inside a 75 year old! If grandpa sex didn't feel like throwing a pencil into a shopping bag, Rumsfeld might not have pointed his WMD at Iraq.

THE REST (IN PEACE)

The one guy I really like is Dr. Ron Paul - a real conservative, not a Noah’s Ark refugee. He's for balanced budgets, Darwin, and for individually wrapping those chalky mints at the Chinese restaurant. He's also the only Republican to have voted against both the war in Iraq and Sanjaya on American Idol. Unfortunately, he's got as much of a chance of winning as McCain does of juggling three torches while riding Sam Bareback. ....another white middle-aged male marginalized by society, living on a pile of shattered hopes.

Speaking of which, way to diversify, Republicans! Put a Thai tranny or an Ecuadorian dwarf up there. At least make it look like you tried. Of course, I kid. Everyone knows all the good diversity candidates are already booked on the Howard Stern Show.

As for the other Republicans, they're just looking to get away from their families for a few months. Combined, they've raised enough money for a Best Western with 3 cots, a Durex Snug Fit Value Pak, and a timeshare with a DC hooker, who promises to be completely discreet…really.

Finally, Fred Thompson, stay home! No one will vote for you just because you're on TV. The American people are smarter than that. You've never even worked with a monkey half as talented as Bonzo!


Coming Soon:

Part 2: Poking, Prodding, Dissecting (OK…and Fondling a Few) Democrats

Part 3: The Coveted Faktorial.com Endorsement


By Faktorial.com - where we’d never actually fondle a Democrat...without a parental signature or the express, written consent of Major League Baseball.

read the rest of this faktorial here!

COMMENTARY: Cheney Makes Britney Look Sane

Watching Dick Cheney on his Magical Mystery Tour, I can't help but think he's been snorting his heart medication through a tightly rolled Halliburton stock certificate! Lets' recap - this week Dick's celebrated the withdrawal of British troops from Iraq, while sending 21,000 of our tired troops and crossing guards to slaughter. (The Democrats are going to pounce on this one! Just you wait! Wait...wait...) Dick's also thanked Japan and Australia for their support of the Iraq war. If I recall correctly, Australia donated one gimpy, bomb-sniffing cat. The lone Japanese troop ate that cat sashimi-style while guarding his armored Sony PS3.

Finally, Dick was with Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan. Look at this picture. Until now, you could only get this kind of chemistry in a Liza Minelli marriage. Now, I understand why Britney is shaving her head and we're all riveted like we've seen Messiah or a JetBlue plane take off. It's all too much to take. In a world where logic and reason no longer prevail, it's time that we all run off and marry a Howard K. Stern or Charles D. Manson and live in a reality that is far less harsh. In a battle between war and implants, I say, "Bring me Anna Nicole in a sexy dress - worms and all!"

By Faktorial.com - where we would never do anything untoward with a corpse. Really.

Links:

Thanking Japan? Why?

NYTimes - Cheney & Musharraf

read the rest of this faktorial here!

COMMENTARY: Paris Hilton’s Grimy Eggs for President!

As I watch a stray breadcrumb cascade over my second and third chins onto my engorged belly, my heart aches. No, not over that second chicken roll. I am upset over the tragic loss of Anna Nicole Smith. (I’m also slightly annoyed that Snickers ads are making me homophobic.) Why is Anna’s death so traumatic to this Bloated-American? Well, she was part of my master plan to arouse our flaccid democracy, save the Presidency, and revitalize the dairy industry.

First, let’s review why our country and political system look a lot like the payload of a crazed astronaut’s diaper:

1. George W. Bush – if he were any less successful, he’d be producing CBS’s Armed & Famous in a Jimmy Carter mask.
2. Diane Feinstein – this criminal doled out $792 million to her husband through her Congressional subcommittee. It’s not that her colleagues were seduced by her soft, supple skin and pear-shaped, 73-year old booty. No, these other cronies are in on the joke. Why do you think there’s never been a credible campaign finance reform bill…or a black person served at Denny’s?
3. Race-Religion-Sexual Orientation-Dick Cheney - What do all these have in common? They are all tools. And, they’re ways to divide us. They divert focus from things that truly matter like healthcare, education, and Paula Abdul.

So where’s the fix, oh Great Faktorial.com? The answer lies in Paris Hilton’s jeans. No, not those odd, red blisters. Her eggs. The only way to save our democracy is to carefully breed future politicians. That’s right, BREED! If it can get us a Labradoodle, it can get us a president.

Some propose taxing the rich. I propose impregnating them – early and often. Only by crossbreeding the rich with geniuses can we save our system. Just yesterday, I was only a nurse and a Barry White CD away from producing Stephen Hawking’s and heiress Anna Nicole’s lovechild. Now, I sit and wait for Madonna’s signature before I can baste Lourdes Ciccone in Hawking’s priceless stew. Again, democracy suffers.

Why such desperate measures? Money. Our system is corrupt. We’re not electing a President, we’re buying carefully packaged products, each costing $200 million+ to market. If you’re a candidate and someone gives you say $1 million, a goodnight kiss just won’t do. You’re getting full-on, hard-core lesbian #$% with a #$% stuffed in your #$*(&%, with enough tongue %^&*)*_ to buckle a mid-sized rhino.

Look at Hillary (carefully and through a pinhole). She’s a soulless, calculated, poll-molded, bundle of ambition. Even without any genuine principles or decent electrolysis, she may be the best candidate that special interest money can buy.

Republican options don’t look great either. Rudy’s sitting on the fence, aggravating an already testy prostate. McCain’s courting the kooks that got Bush into office. John, buddy, what happened? And, Mitt Romney is busy explaining how having 12 wives, wearing magic underwear, and believing in gold plates handed out by angels won’t affect his political decisions. Kookoo Kookoo….

There is hope. There is a type of independent politician that has principles – bored billionaires tired of airborne Jacuzzi’s, sex at Nobu, and meals with models:

• Exhibit A: NY Governor Eliot Spitzer. The guy takes on everybody – thieving corporations, his own party, schoolchildren. I heard he punched his mother the other day. This guy’s on fire! He’s one of the few politicians with balls. Enjoy his balls while you can. They are few and far between, so to speak. Fighting worthless bureaucrats without leverage is a sign of independence. It is also a sign that Zoloft is under-prescribed. I admire anyone willing to take on his own party. It reminds me of the time I went to war with my penis over this fat girl. We both lost.
• Exhibit B: NY Mayor Bloomberg. This little fidget is doing a great job! He is by far the best mayor NY has ever seen. And, in my opinion, the only person in the US qualified to be President, or Mini-me in Austin Powers 4. Think about it. Bill Clinton won after running a $47,000 budget where 2.5 million people share a single, tattered DNA strand. In contrast, Bloomberg built a global company and is running something far more complex – a Sybian vibrator for his girlfriend. Not easy getting excited for the little tyke – power or not. Anyway, you get my point.

Finally, this solution has its risks. While JFK was great, JFK Jr. was weeded out by Darwin. If only a plane was as easy to operate as genitalia…what might have been. Anyway, there is no room for mistakes. Your mission is clear: If you have a billion dollars, please f*ck a genius! Our country is riding on it. Suri Cruise is riding on it, or will be in 16 years.

P.S. - There is one simpler solution. We could just pay politicians for performance. Have a reward structure like businesses do. Maybe we’d actually attract fewer intern-touchers and more high-performers. Of course, that wouldn’t be nearly as fun as shtupping Paris Hilton. That’s hot!


By faktorial.com – where genetic engineering and natural selection feel just a little bit dirty.

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COMMENTARY: Ethiopia HAS JETS!!!! JETS!!!!!

Call me ignorant, but I just learned something AMAZING! ETHIOPIA HAS JETS!!! AND TANKS!!! Remember Ethiopia? It's been the punch-line of every poverty joke since Sally Struthers ingested her very first foreign aid convoy. Yes, the Ethiopia famous for images of starving children surrounded by flies, dysentery and Madonna - has just attacked Somalia with its JETS!!

Let's be clear about this, even relatively stable countries like South Africa, Zaire and Kenya have tons of problems like mass-corruption, oodles of AIDS, and Ivory poachers – good soap doesn’t make itself, kids. I digress. In their Starbucks tip jar of an economy, Ethiopia has found it in their budget to attack Somalia, the Bronze Medalist in the Malnutrition Olympics.

And guess what – the US is funding it. You see Somalia has an Islamist regime and Ethiopia has a Christian one. So this Christmas, we praise our Lord and give tanks. Of course, this could easily explode into a regional conflict, like our ticking towel bomb in the Middle East. Seems like it's just a matter of time before Spike Lee starts making sense. You know, about the white conspiracy.*

*Note: White people: Shhhh!! Remember what we discussed at The Meeting!

The one conspiracy I do see is that religion, once again, is wiping out enemies in the name of Mohamed or Jesus or Jah or Ja-Rule. Good! Until every hut and home can agree on a non-denominational holiday twig, I say, let the least crazy zealot win! I call this my Nimrod Upgrade Theory (N.U.T.), Release 1.0.7.

So what is my N.U.T. all about? Simply, it says that regimes with a selection of soft, quilted bathroom tissue should be supported over ones whose women are granted less peripheral vision than mules. Sure, Christian fundamentalists in the U.S. blow up an occasional abortion clinic. At least we have condoms, even flavored ones for the discerning palate. By comparison, many Islamic regimes stone rape victims - because it’s illegal to cheat on your husband. Neither is ideal, but one is clearly better. N.U.T. states that you support the least wacky combatant until a more sensible one comes along. Give it three to four thousand years and these faktorials will probably be written in Cantonese.

Back to Ethiopia versus Somalia. Neither has a Four Seasons resort, a selection of delicious Entenmann’s pastries or anyone as talented as Beyonce - she dances, she sings, she acts. However, Ethiopia more adequately reflects our good old-fashioned Christian values. So, arm them to the teeth and let them go at it. Tank vs. machete. F-16 vs. catapult.

This makes me nostalgic for the good old days of American foreign policy – and what we should have done in Iraq – arm the side we like most. When they screw up, arm their enemies. This whole thing just makes me want to spoon with Daniel Ortega and Ollie North.


By faktorial.com – where we only spoon in the name of liberty.

posted by Faktorial.com @ Wednesday, December 27, 2006 comments

(scroll down to see full NY Times story below)






Ethiopia Hits Somali Targets, Declaring War
By JEFFREY GETTLEMAN

Associated Press

The bodies of Islamist fighters, top, lay Sunday near Idaale, Somalia. Ethiopian warplanes struck deep inside Somalia territory, and tanks pushed farther into towns, in support of Somalia’s interim government.

ZANZIBAR, Tanzania, Dec. 24 — Ethiopia officially plunged into war with Somalia’s Islamist forces on Sunday, bombing targets inside Somalia and pushing ground troops deep into Somali territory in a major escalation that could turn Somalia’s internal crisis into a violent religious conflict that engulfs the entire Horn of Africa.

The coordinated assault was the first open admission by Ethiopia’s Christian-led government of its military operations inside Somalia, where — with tacit American support — it has been helping a weak interim government threatened by forces loyal to the Islamic clerics who control the longtime capital, Mogadishu, and much of the country.

Ethiopia’s prime minister, Meles Zenawi, said in a televised broadcast that he had ordered the action because he had no choice.

“Ethiopian defense forces were forced to enter into war to protect the sovereignty of the nation,” he said. “We are not trying to set up a government for Somalia, nor do we have an intention to meddle in Somalia’s internal affairs. We have only been forced by the circumstances.”

According to witnesses, Ethiopian fighter jets bombarded several towns, obliterating an Islamist recruitment center and other targets, while Ethiopian tanks rolled into battle. The attacks set off riots in Mogadishu, Somalia’s battle-scarred seaside capital, and fighting on several fronts in southern Somalia.

Ethiopia, which commands the region’s most powerful military, did not disclose how many troops, tanks or planes it had sent into Somalia, but the United Nations has said at least 8,000 Ethiopian soldiers may be in the country. Casualties were reported Sunday, but reliable estimates were impossible to ascertain.

Until now, Ethiopian officials had denied that they had any combat forces inside Somalia, saying instead that their involvement was limited to a few hundred military advisers.

Over the past few months, the Islamist clerics in Somalia have threatened Ethiopia for supporting their rivals, the internationally recognized transitional government.

On Saturday, after several days of heavy internal fighting, Islamist leaders announced that Somalia was now open to Muslim fighters around the world who wanted to wage a holy war against Ethiopia, a country with a long Christian history, even though it is about half Muslim.

“What did you expect us to do?” said Zemedkun Tekle, a spokesman for Ethiopia’s information ministry. “Wait for them to attack our cities?”

Even before Ethiopia’s escalation on Sunday, there were alarming signs that the conflict in Somalia could quickly spiral out of control. According to United Nations officials, at least 2,000 soldiers from Eritrea, which recently waged war with Ethiopia, are fighting for the Islamists. They have been joined by a growing number of Muslim mercenaries from Yemen, Egypt, Syria and Libya who want to turn Somalia into the third front of holy war, after Iraq and Afghanistan.

On Friday, residents of Mogadishu said they saw boatloads of armed men landing on the city’s rocky beaches. On Sunday, after the bombings, Islamist leaders boasted of bringing in more. Still, from the Ethiopian government’s viewpoint, the bombings may be delivering at least some of the desired effect.

For the first time since the Islamists came to power in Somalia in June and rapidly began expanding their reach, they seemed to be losing ground. In at least three places on Sunday — Idaale, Jawil and Bandiiradley — transitional government troops were pushing the Islamists back.

Residents of Beledweyne, near the Ethiopian border, said that after the Ethiopian jets pounded several armed pickup trucks belonging to the Islamists, the rest of the Islamist soldiers fled to the hills.

The bombs also destroyed a recruitment center and a fuel depot, killing at least 10 people, witnesses reported. Hours later, the transitional troops marched into the area, and a new mayor was installed.

Many of Beledweyne’s people seemed relieved, not so much about the change in government, but because the fighting appeared to have ended so fast.

“We’re so sick of war,” said Ahmed Issa, a shopkeeper in Beledweyne. “We’ll obey anybody.”

Much of Somalia has been mired in anarchy since 1991, when the central government collapsed, setting off a long, nasty interclan war. While the United Nations and donor countries struggled to get a new government on its feet, a grass-roots movement of Islamic courts began to gain power.

After Islamist leaders defeated the last of Mogadishu’s warlords, they immediately restored a sense of law and order unheard of in the capital for 15 years. Then they began pushing outward, eventually reaching the outskirts of Baidoa, the seat of the transitional government.

The transitional government has never been popular, and its military forces are divided between rival politicians, many of whom spend the majority of their time outside of Somalia. This summer, Ethiopia began slipping soldiers across the border to protect both the transitional government and Ethiopia itself.

The Islamists had threatened to liberate Somali-speaking areas of Ethiopia and stir up Ethiopia’s Muslim population.

American officials acknowledged that they tacitly supported Ethiopia’s approach because they felt it was the best way to check the growing power of the Islamists, whom American officials have accused of sheltering terrorists tied with Al Qaeda. A State Department spokesperson in Washington said Sunday that the United States was assessing reports of the surge in fighting in Somalia but provided no further comment.

A major question going forward seems to be whether Ethiopian forces will advance into Mogadishu and try to finish off the Islamist military, a possibility that many fear could spur a long and ugly insurgency, or simply deal the Islamists enough of a blow to force them back to negotiations with the transitional government.

The rival authorities in Somalia have flirted with the idea of sharing power, but several rounds of peace talks have produced little but broken promises.

In a hint of a possible direction to come, Ethiopia’s prime minister recently told American officials that he could wipe out the Islamists “ in one to two weeks.”

But many analysts fear that the presence of Ethiopian troops in Somalia will only make matters worse, because of the history of conflict between Ethiopians and Somalis. The two nations have battled over contested border areas before, and the difference of religions, with Somalia almost purely Muslim, has often been an aggravating factor.

On Sunday, as word began to spread that Ethiopian planes were bombing Somalia, students in Mogadishu rushed into the streets and began rioting. They kicked in doors and smashed plate glass windows, yelling at the few shopkeepers still open: “This is not time for business! This is time for war!”

The Islamists are using teenagers as their main fighting force. Last week, right after heavy combat began between the Islamist troops and the transitional government forces, Islamist leaders closed all schools in Mogadishu to funnel more young people into battle.

Witnesses in frontline areas have said that waves of young, poorly trained Islamist fighters have been mowed down by Ethiopian troops. Ethiopia’s military is trained by American advisers and is supplied with millions of dollars of American aid.

On Sunday, Abdulrahim Ali Modei, the Islamists’ information minister, conceded at a news conference that many of the Islamist troops had been killed, but he did not sound discouraged.

“These are victories,” he said. “Our soldiers are in paradise now.”

Yussuf Maxamuud and Mohammed Ibrahim contributed reporting from Mogadishu, Somalia.

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COMMENTARY: Some Call Him Messiah; I Call Him Jimmy

The messiah has arrived and he’s not wearing purple nipple clamps and cellophane, as traditionally depicted at my Church of the Chubby Sadist. No this man’s name is not Jesus (HAY-soos) or Moshiach (moe-she-ACCCHHHKKP), it’s James A. Baker, or as I like to call him, Jimmy. No, Jimmy can’t turn water into wine or chickpeas into delicious, but un-greasy fritters. What Jimmy did do is propose how to get us out of Iraq before any more of our troops have to suffer through another Kathie Griffin USO tour.

Don’t let the brittle hips and delicate bouquet of formaldehyde fool you, Jimmy’s no Rumsfeld. Jimmy’s a pragmatist. And, he knows when to come out of his coffin. A lot of people have turned to me to find out what to think of the Iraq Study Group report. Like a chimpanzee prodded for advice on banana farming, I’m all-too happy to throw some indiscriminant pooh your way.

First, a little history. Remember the Gulf War in the early 90’s? You know, the one that didn’t list Atlantis, Pompeii and Nutmeg as coalition partners? That was when Jimmy, Brent Scowcroft and Papa Bush, decided NOT to go into Baghdad. They realized that a weakened, secular Hussein offsetting a wacky Iran was better than delusional fantasies of free oil, an infectious plague of Arabian democracy, and a limitless bounty of thickly-mustached Iraqi broads. In other words, they knew what Bush Jr. did not: that “nuclear” has only one “u” in it. And, that occupation would bury us in a tsunami of our own excrement. Finally, Americans reached for the Charmin and voted in a bunch of Democrats. …Whoopee Goldberg!! Let’s face it, you’re likelier to find a unicorn playing Sudoku than a Democrat with a real plan.

So the world turned to Jimmy to say to Bush Jr. what Sr. can’t – that he was aborted and lived. Jimmy’s a good student. Gets his work in on time…OK it took nine months to get the report, but you should see the formatting! The cover alone took Leroy Neiman 12 weeks. Call me naïve, but I believe Jimmy did his best. Yes, it is a little scary leaning on senior citizens to save our future. Usually, when your fortunes are riding on a guy this old, you’re a dim-witted, pontoon-chested, ex-Playmate double-fisting prescription meds to get you through another wrinkly bl*wjob.

So what do I think?

Well, short of inventing a time machine to clamp Barbara B's fillopians before Papa Bush slips one past the goalie, I think Jimmy did a decent job. At least it’s a plan!! It’s the first one we’ve seen – from either Republican’ts OR Democritics. Sure, there are some controversial points. I kind of like the idea of negotiating with Iran and Syria and removing them from the “Axis of Evil” list (to be replaced by Dr. Doom, Green Goblin and rectal itch).

Without a strong army, Iraq is like a hogtied page on Mark Foley’s desk – helpless, scared and lubricated for invasion. Iraq’s army will never be as strong under a slacker occupying force as it was under Hussein. The most we can do is equip their army as best we can and get out. It’s like preparing recommendations for your boss. You know the stubborn prick’s going to do what he wants anyway, so why pull an all-nighter?

Smartly, Jimmy avoided grand visions of democracy and essentially created a phased withdrawal plan, which he knew was all the public and the Pelosi Congress could digest. The most subversive part of Jimmy’s recommendations is this – he knows Syria and Iran are more interested in a stable Iraq than we are. (Imagine if we bordered an unstable country with a corrupt political system whose citizens kept crossing our borders indiscriminately for refuge.) Once they see our soldiers pulling out, they’ll all get their towels in a bunch, running to the negotiating table to carve up Iraq and it’s oil profits like a Thanksgiving turkey, or a hypothetical houseguest at OJ’s, if he hypothetically had houseguests.

Unless something better comes along quick, I say let's thank Jimmy for his service and go with this plan. Regardless how this ends, the real winners here are senior citizens. I've learned that old people are good for more than just driving into crowds, playing dominoes and eating Meow Mix. They can save a nation!


By faktorial.com – where senior citizens go when it’s time to stop drooling and time to start saving democracy.

read the rest of this faktorial here!

COMMENTARY: How I Plan to Protect the Children...Those Little Bastards

It's Time We Eliminate the Limitless Supply of Victims

If there’s anything we’ve learned over the past few days, it’s that kids are leading America to ruin. This week alone, we lost Mark Foley, a respected Congressman, who succumbed to a House full of nubile, hairless, teen bait. Then, a father of three was driven to madness and murder by a school full of little Amish temptresses. These are not isolated examples. There are juvenile operatives all over this country targeting effeminate politicians, marginal celebrities and our uniquely American brand of denial and homosexual suppression. They must be stopped. Kids have surpassed terrorism as the greatest threat to our democracy and they must be stopped. I say, you’re either with us, or you’re with the children.

Consider the case of Mark Foley. The man sacrificed marriage, family, and countless hours on his Blackberry to crusade against child predators, nudist camps, and skinny dipping. Certainly there were no signs that anything was amiss. Then, after a few suggestive e-mails to a boy or two, every Republican abandons ship as if it were just boarded by the cast of Rent. When things were going well, Hastert, Bush, and company were perfectly happy getting political lap dances from Mr. Foley. That is, until something lumpy brushed against their cheeks and they suddenly realized they were in Lucky Cheng’s. Even Al Michaels dutifully stood by OJ until all the bloody gloves came back from the Laundromat. Luckily, OJ wasn’t victimized by a bunch of underage terrorteens or he’d never have gotten that second chance to look for the real killer.

Everywhere you turn, scantily-clad kids are flailed in front of weak-willed adults. Like Jews and liquor dangled in front of Mel Gibson, they hope to corrupt our Christian values and expose the Woody (Allen) throbbing beneath the surface. We’re surrounded. Calvin Klein ads, kiddy beauty pageants, Little League, and Pimp My Laguna Sweet 16 on MTV. No doubt the Amish killer, like many sexually repressed Americans, was fully prepared to lead perfectly normal, secret life, until those butter-churning vamps got to him. (Brief word to the Amish: GET A PHONE! …they’re big fans of faktorial.com).

Consider all we’ve lost because of our reckless coddling of children:

• Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher deprived us of Joey Buttafuoco, one of our nation’s greatest mechanics.
• Suggestively attired Jon Benet, continues to claim victims – even after her death. Innocent perverts from around the world still clamor to stand in her spotlight.
• Kids were used as weapons to take Michael Jackson away from us. We now sit in silence, deprived of his music and sexually ambiguous dancing. The whole ordeal nearly turned him white.
• It was also children who made us feel bad about seeing sister Janet’s breast at the Super Bowl. I refuse to feel bad about a seeing a breast ever again, unless it’s Bea Arthur’s or Jason Alexander’s!
• Jerry Lee Lewis married a 12 year old. Maybe his great balls caught fire, but it took him 35 years to put out a new album.
• Remember Joe Piscopo? Eddie Murphy doesn’t. Joe married his babysitter, whom he met when she was 14. Heard any funny jokes from Joe lately?

See my point? Dare I even count all the priests we’ve lost?

Sure, I know what you’re thinking, ‘who can be against kids?’, considering everything they’ve contributed to our culture. If not for kids, we wouldn’t have Raffi, Barney and Teletubbies. I’d argue that without kids, we wouldn’t have Raffi, Barney OR Teletubbies!! Case closed.

Before another piñata gets filled with condoms and chloroform for the next Congressional Page Mixer, it’s time we took a stand. It’s not enough to just hope no one exhumes a decomposed boy scout troop from Trent Lott’s back yard. We must childproof this country like the crate of Vicodin at Rush Limbaugh’s house:

1. Seal our borders – not from Mexicans, as Pat Buchanan insists, but from all the children that slip into this country every day through birth canals, c-sections, and Britney Spears.

2. The President must declare a state of emergency and send troops (or crossing guards – whoever’s not in yet Iraq) into every school, arcade and rectory to apprehend the most tempting children. The kids would then be sent to Jesus Camp at Guantanamo until they reach the age of consent. (And, I’m not talking about Alabama where it’s 12. I’m talking Tehran, where it’s 34.) Of course, the kids would be afforded all the cushy niceties allowed by the Geneva convention, unless we need to get them to talk.

3. For any kids we do keep around, they must be clad in head-to-toe burkas so they do not act as objects of desire.

I believe this approach will allow us to reclaim this nation's grand, Puritanical heritage. Finally, homosexuals can proudly return to their closets and sit there, quietly. Sure, some may deem this harsh. I deem it a glorious return to the 1950's, a Golden Age for real Americans like Herbert Hoover and Rock Hudson . It was a time when sissy nonsense like tolerance-mongering and compassionate parenting were just fruity fantasies. Together, we can bring those times back. Can you imagine a world where even the most spectacular perverts are safe from children? I can. If not for us, for God sakes, let's do it for the children.

- by faktorial.com – where common sense and satire stare at each other in uncomfortable silence

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COMMENTARY: Mustafa, Show Me the Lubriderm!

Seems like the last faktorial, US & Britain Bans Passengers from All Flights got a few readers all riled up. Good! Apparently, I failed to thank the government for taking away my Clearasil in the name of safety. As I finger a budding, but unaddressable zit on my flight home, I'll explain why these new rules are actually making us LESS safe and considerably uglier.

Any time or resources spent prying creamy, delicious Skippy peanut butter from the bloated carcasses of Midwestern tourists is time NOT spent targeting real threats to our national security, like disgruntled Pakistanis, Scientologists and flamboyant priests. As a result, we DIVERT precious resources AWAY from those plotting terror or those planning to chase Mikey Jr. around the rectory.

This is a pivotal moment for us all...are we really prepared to sacrifice our lives for the illusion of safety? Have we gotten so politically correct that we can’t admit that twitchy Mustafa's Lubriderm needs a little more attention than Jessica Simpson's Proactiv? Everyone knows pretty girls don't explode.

Before you drop your tofu, my righteous, liberal friend, take a walk on the Dark Side with me. Let's explore every Southern Republican's secret solution to ending crime: stopping every black male who's ever been in or near a Mercedes. That's right, we're talking profiling, but the good kind.

Profiling, when done right, is not about race or targeting a particular type of person, it's about subjugating minorities. Kidding. Actually, it's more like using Match.com to find a vegan girl who likes surfing. It doesn't mean you have anything against meat eaters or snow-boarders. (It does mean you'll be alone forever since no one's ever seen a vegan strong enough to swim.) My point is terror profiling should not be malicious or discriminatory. It's a way to find patterns of behaviors and characteristics that make finding malicious Arabs fun and exciting.

We'd be foolish to think profiling isn't happening already. Everyone pretends like Mohammed didn't just trigger a massive silent alarm. Instead, we wait and watch Chinese grandmothers and exotic dancers named Violet get deprived of their rightful ointments. Everyone waits - including poor Mohammed, who's now late for a business dinner.

My solution?

1. Stop calling ex-Wal-Mart clerks "security agents". Hire real agents, or at least Target's Employee of the Month.
   
2. Have El-Al train these new agents to find real terrorist threats, not toothpaste.
3. Stop insulting our intelligence with pointless searches. Don't you think Mickey Rourke's embarrassed enough flying coach?

And, if I happen to fit the profile they're looking for, then cavity search me. Over and over, if you have to. 'Till you find my weapon, or until we're officially in a relationship.

So, let that creepy, sunburned cougar woman have her moisturizer...please.

by faktorial.com - where both Liberals and Conservatives get free shelter, a warm meal and a big, wet kiss

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Another Disaster? America Says, "F--- 'em!"

Dear (Insert Disaster Stricken Leader's Name Here),

The recent quake in Pakistan has moved us all deeply. On behalf of the United States, I would like to say, "Are you f--kin' kidding me with this?" Half of the black people in New Orleans are still floating somewhere. We still haven't built anything where the World Trade Center was! And Saddam Hussein looks trim, fit and ready to start cleaning up the money-sucking mess we made in Iraq.

Sure, the Tsunami was a bit depressing - even bumped the last episode of 'Everybody Loves Raymond' by a half hour. Let me tell you, we all felt bad. We coughed up a bunch of cash, tolerated performances by a seventy five year old Modonna - without the bullet bra. And did I mention the lectures by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. BRAD F--KING PITT!?!?! Of course, we soon learned there weren't that many survivors to help, just a ton of new beachfront property for multinational hotels to build on.

Not long after, the US, the richest country in the world, forgot to send buses to keep black people from drowning in a flood. (A flood god promised George Bush and Pat Robertson). Let's face it, by now, no one cared. Most of the whites were out and watching the thing on cable and everything seemed back to normal. We were finally ready for the new season of Desperate Lost Enthusiasm.

Then, God-dammit, another disaster!!! PAKISTAN??? You know, it's just bad timing. I know it was the worst one - like seven gazillion people died. Let's face it, none of them were Nielson households. And none of them shopped at The Gap or knew how to pronounce "Vente Mocchiatta Latte". Sorry, Pakistan. I know you're an ally in the terribly successful war on terror and you've got great patterns and fabrics, but you're on your own.

I hope the fundamentalists are wrong. I really hope it's not God foretelling the coming of the Messiah or the end of the world. I hope it's just part of a bold new marketing campaign for Jesus.

God Bless America. And remember, you're either with us, or you're...uhm...you're not with us.

Sincerely,
faktorial.com - the resting home for brilliance

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Howard Dean Goes Nuts, Declares War On White People

We knew our friend Howard was a bit crazy when he started howling like a wounded Doberman during his presidential campaign. As head of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), he is proving, once again, that he's got a lot more 'crazy' left in his tank. Recently, he made comments along the lines that Republicans are rich white folks that have never made an honest living and secretly want to enslave Dave Chappelle and appoint Jesus and his band of merry men to high ranking cabinet positions. OK, I'm exaggerating a bit, but overall, Dean's not wrong, but he is just another example of what's so horribly wrong with the Democrats. Even when they fight back - they can only criticize; they rarely offer a vision or solutions.

Say what you will about those inbred, Chappelle-owning, NASCAR-loving, stem-cell haters, they are focused, well-organized and never let logic get in the way of their kooky ideology. Hate them all you want, but don't dare tell me you don't respect them. With the clinical efficiency of Josef Goebbels- organized pep-rally, Republicans are successfully pacifying the poor with religious psychobabble while the rich run amok, tax-free. It's only a matter of time before asbestos comes back into vogue and it's legal to pour mercury right on top of Mexican children. Imagine all this can be done with the support of no more than 20% of the population! If you're part of the other 80%, you just don't have it in you to debate Middle East policy - or even ice cream flavors - with someone who'd drive a Hummer over ten Iraqis to beat an abortion doctor to death with a King James, Second Edition. Trust me. Is it any wonder Kansas is removing evolution from it's textbooks? In a few years, the people of Kansas can look forward to Scurvy, Rickets and running around naked trying to "capture fire" during a thunderstorm.

So what to do next?

Well, here's the hard part. Much like Fear Factor, the first ingredient in this competition is balls. Balls are only part of the answer. (That's right, you'll only get partial credit if you answered, "balls".) The rest of the answer is vision and communication. Vision means knowing how to resolve the biggest issues of the day - economy, healthcare, education and foreign policy. Communication is being able to make the case - simply, passionately, and with facts. If that doesn't work, maybe pop a nip. I digress.

Unfortunately no one on the political horizon has has the total package to bring common sense, progressive thought or Newt Gingrich back to government. There are a few like John McCain, Rudy Giuliani, Bloomberg and even Arnold who think clearly on many issues, but don't have the muscle or motivation to overthrow the Conservative machine.

So who? I have an answer.

It has to be someone from the outside. Someone who doesn't have a stake in either party, but has a proven ability to lead people. That's right, Mel Gibson!! I know you think I'm nuts, but hear me out. The guy has the ear of the religious nuts. He is fairly moderate politically and has an excellent hair transplant. If you can overlook his white supremacist dad and the outside chance that he'll use his presidency to exterminate Jews, he's our man. If the Democrats can recruit him, Howard Dean will finally have something worth yelping about.


Dean Renews Attacks on Republicans - Yahoo! News

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COMMENTARY: Mullahs Give Me Gas!

Here are some simple facts you might even be able to bang into Paris Hilton:

1) We Americans have lots of disposable income (I could swear I've seen a homeless guy with a pink iPod Mini)
2) We use that disposable income to buy big toys: SUVs, Air Conditioners, vibrating appliances for our frigid wives (you know who you are)
3) Our big toys need power to run.
4) That power often comes from oil and gas.
5) Oil and gas come from backwards, hate-breeding regimes that would love to stick a burka on Lindsay Lohan and a missile into Richard Simmons (...hmmm, maybe I should have picked a more sympathetic fruity guy like Will or Grace. You get the point.)

Our childish greed is making crap Arab countries like Saudi Arabia and Iran rich. That money keeps them isolated and takes away any economic leverage we could exert to force them to change. Our own money funded 9/11 and continues to fund the weapons killing our soldiers in the Middle East.

The time has come for us to grow up and invest in our future. Some simple steps we must take:

1) Tax gas - $1 per gallon. (Trust me, even the biggest gas-guzzling asshole will eventually buy a hybrid - which will hopefully become less Queer Eye and more Jason Giambi as time goes on.) In a 5 years our consumption of gas will drop 50%, guaranteed.
2) Tax fuel wasting vehicles...and anything Richard Branson buys...boring prick.
3) Put wind farms and solar panels everywhere possible. It won't solve the problem, but it'll help. Kind of like perfume for the French.
4) Invest heavily in alternative fuels research.
5) Create tax incentives for conservation

Problem solved. In one scenario, we bring these crap countries to their knees because they need foreign investment and trade. As a result, they will secularize, move towards democracy and take David Hasselhoff off our hands.

The second scenario is simple - a war for oil with China, India, Russia and/or Europe. In the absence of alternatives and with China and India's rapid industrialization, we will have no choice but to carve up the Middle East like a Thanksgiving turkey. Guess what, this is the scenario we are headed for. Why do you think everyone's undies are in a bunch over Iran's nuclear program?

by faktorial.com - where you get a free David Hasselhoff CD with every fill-up.

PS - Here's a link to a good editorial by Thomas Friedman on this subject:

The New York Times > Opinion > Op-Ed Columnist: No Mullah Left Behind

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Commentary: Morons Select a Mormon

Like bringing a spoon to a gunfight, the Democratic party shows it is determined to lose. I have never seen such a sorry bunch of politicians. Instead of coming up with a leader with a compelling vision to attract voters, they are pandering to the minority of evangelicals that have been taking credit for Bush's win. Dumb, Dumb, Dumb!

So in all their pandering glory, the Democrats just picked a religious Mormon (more on that later) who is anti-abortion to "lead" their party. Do they think the 23% of evangelical voters will suddenly fall in love with them? Like a nerd who buys a leather jacket to look cool, the democratic party is moving away from the 49% of the population that showed it is desperate for progressive leadership by trying to give the wooden John Kerry a chance.

As the Democrats follow Republicans to the religious fringe, the US begins it's steady decline. Like Roman, Greek and Turkish empires before it, get ready to live by candlelight and crap out of the window. The dark age of religious stupidity and hypocrisy is coming.

First lets' talk about Mormons. These mixed up folk actually believe that a prophet named Joseph Smith living in found some golden plates (in Vermont!!!!) around 1830 that supposedly had the word of god. And what did god have to say? Well, that life originated in North America, that Indians were originally white people turned red by god as a punishment, and that if you try hard enough, you can turn raccoon droppings into magic flying monkeys. Well, except for that last one, the Mormons make the book of Genesis look like an AP Chemistry textbook. Is this really our future?

As other countries invest in stem cell research and pursue the path of science, we have a growing population that believes in creationism. You know, one day god made a tree, another day a chicken, another a dildo. Yep, progress. I don't know about you, but I'm signing up to for that Chinese class I've been putting off... Actually, I'm doing to start with a Dim Sum menu...all this ranting makes me hungry.

by faktorial.com - where religion has to earn respect, like everyone else

More on Mormons:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Smith

NY Times Article:
http://faktorial.com/faktoids/2004/11/New Democratic Leader in Senate Is Atypical Choice.htm

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'Damn, It's Like They're trying to Kill Us and Stuff' Rebel US Soldiers Claim

Is our Commander-in-Chief running out of Indians? This is a link to a disturbing story about a battalion of US reserves stationed in Iraq that refused to go on a mission they thought was "too dangerous." Look, I'm sympathetic to our troops having to fight in an unnecessary, unpopular war, but if this proves to be a trend, it will undermine the entire foundation of our military. I think protest is important, but there's no room for entrepreneurship and "out-of-the-box" thinking on the battlefield. I guess its a product of an instant gratification culture where you throw a tantrum if Amazon.com is a day late with your Star Wars Dork-Edition DVD's. I guess one solution is to outsource military service to those who don't have any better options, work hard and follow directions - like Mexicans, Indians and Chinese. It's time to pull all our spoiled, rich kids out of the military...hmmm, I guess we did that already. Maybe this hands-on war business is not for us. We've got nuclear bombs don't we? It might upset a peacenik or two, but goddamn if it won't make for great TV!!!

Realistically, even if for some strange reason Kerry wins, there's no reason to believe he's got any real plan to get us out of Iraq. He's planning on adding two large units (no, not what you're thinking), but where are all the volunteers?? Know anyone who's signing up? We might just have to pull out, let their inevitable civil war happen, let Iran annex the Shiites, Turkey the Kurds and the Sunnis probably get executed. Sucks for the Sunnis. It'll be much easier for us to take over Saudi Arabia and Kuwait, anyway...

Disclaimer: I'm a big pussy. There's no way I'm signing up for ,military service. I'm far too valuable a thinker and humorist. In case of a draft, I expect to be rushed to a protected bunker with other precious celebrities like Ellen Degeneres, members of O-Town and whatever Olsen twin hasn't OD'd.


Probe Iraq 'Mutiny'

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Can Your Souvenirs Take Down a Plane?

I don't know about you, but I would have a hard time killing an airplane full of people with Toblerone, or any other crap souvenir I typically bring back to people I marginally care about. Well, some imbecile who works for the State Department defense contractor DynCorp brought back a suitcase filled with explosives he found in Afghanistan! AND - no one said a thing!! It's a fascinating story. Check out the link below. I heard on his last trip, Colin Powell brought back and stuffed a whole battalion of Taliban fighters for his family room.


New York Daily News - Home - Cops freed lethal-luggage owner

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Kerry Drives Bus Into Crowd of WWII Veterans, Killing 40

It's not like me to bash our president. But, I will say I'm really impressed by how boldly and brutally the Republicans have gone after Kerry's war record. Especially, considering Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld all "supported" the Vietnam War, but none served. To be fair, while Bush was in the National Guard, there was not a single vietcong victory in Dallas, Houston or Waco. Cheney was hobbled by a tremendous hemorrhoid while Rumsfeld spent his 20's tearing wings off butterflies and setting ants ablaze with his Evil Eye.

Below is a link to a timeline comparing both men's military careers. It's a hell of a lesson in knowing the right people.

kerry war record

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NJ Governor Feels the Sting of the "Little Brown Ring"

As if we needed any more proof, gay sex with your security advisor appears to be a bad career move. It's too bad. I thought McGreevey was doing a great job as NJ's governor. He balanced the state's budget, simplified a lot of processes at agencies such as the DMV, plus, according to his accuser, "did that cute little thing with his tongue."

Seriously, it's a shame that qualified people can't stay in office because there is still such a stigma attached to sex, especially that special brand of man-on-man action made popular by Oscar Wilde, ancient Greeks and the second Darren from Bewitched.

The bigger picture of all this is that the already-thin pool of qualified leaders willing to open their lives to public scrutiny by entering politics will continue to shrink. We will be sentenced to a never-ending stream of semi-retarded sperm-lottery winners (GW Bush), bored ego-maniacal billionaires (Bloomberg, Corzine), and shameless opportunists (Hilary Clinton). And it's not that these people won't have something to offer, but it will be unfortunate that this is all we have to choose from.

I long for the good old days when a white segregationist senator could have an illegitimate half-black family that mysteriously kept quiet until he was comfortably in diapers. Or, when an FBI director could don a dress and feel pretty without the public scrutinizing his mismatched purse or stubby ankles. Ahh, those were the days...

...Here's to hoping Bloomberg's not diddling Harry Potter.

by faktorial.com - where being gay is cannot stop our deep, probing satire

From NY Post Article:

the man involved in the affair was Golan Cipel, 35, an Israeli poet whom McGreevey hired in 2002 as his homeland security adviser, setting off a firestorm of criticism.

Cipel tried to blackmail the governor by threatening to file a sex-harassment suit.
"A demand was made for millions of dollars," the adviser said. "Unless these monies were paid, the governor would be exposed to charges of sexual harassment and worse. Therefore it was turned over to appropriate law enforcement."

New York Post Online Edition: newsmcgreevy.bmp

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My Clone's a Real Prick!

Britain just authorized the cloning of human embryos. Why you'd want extra copies of pasty Brits with crappy teeth is beyond me... It's not like they're going to keep an extra Prince Charles in formaldehyde for spare parts, but they are, along with South Korea, choosing to err on the side of science by moving forward with stem cell research. The potential for this science is dramatic and the US is severely falling behind because of the Bush administration's severe restrictions. On a positive note, Bush has earmarked $30 million to find the remains of Noah's Arc.

The US economy cannot afford to disable scientific research. Since we moved away from manufacturing and agriculture towards a service and intellectual-capital based economy, we rely on scientific advancement to fuel top industries such as technology, medicine and porn. We must nourish science, not impair it. This is exactly how empires fall, by moving away from what made them great. Anyone seen Pompeii lately?

by faktorial.com - where no prick is big enough to make us stop cloning!

MSNBC - Britain to allow cloning of human embryos

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Springsteen Waxes Poetic; Billy Joel Crashes Mercedes into Writer's Block

Over the last few years, I’ve probably related as much to the stubby Dixie Chick as Bruce Springsteen. But, I’ve always respected him as an artist with something to say, like Morpheus from “The Matrix”. After Bruce’s Op-Ed in the New York Times, it’s easy to see why his music endures while Billy Joel crashes his car into every inanimate object on Long Island.

Not to pick on Billy. He’s written a lot of great songs and probably expected to stay at least as popular as, say, Weezie from The Jeffersons. At some point, he admitted that he wrote about small issues, but found himself at a loss once “movin’ out” of mama’s house seemed a lot less relevant in light of 9/11, ethnic cleansing and Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

American music always seems to go one of two ways – towards totally disposable pop like Menudo and Britney Spears or more enduring artists like Springsteen and Chef from South Park. We’ll always crave escapism and simplicity. That’s why it’ll be especially hard to repack and refund the Macarena, ‘Bust a Move’ or Ashley Simpson without a restocking fee.



Quote from Springsteen's Article at:
The New York Times > Opinion > Op-Ed Contributor: Chords for Change

Like many others, in the aftermath of 9/11, I felt the country's unity. I don't remember anything quite like it. I supported the decision to enter Afghanistan and I hoped that the seriousness of the times would bring forth strength, humility and wisdom in our leaders. Instead, we dived headlong into an unnecessary war in Iraq, offering up the lives of our young men and women under circumstances that are now discredited. We ran record deficits, while simultaneously cutting and squeezing services like afterschool programs. We granted tax cuts to the richest 1 percent (corporate bigwigs, well-to-do guitar players), increasing the division of wealth that threatens to destroy our social contract with one another and render mute the promise of "one nation indivisible."

It is through the truthful exercising of the best of human qualities - respect for others, honesty about ourselves, faith in our ideals - that we come to life in God's eyes. It is how our soul, as a nation and as individuals, is revealed. Our American government has strayed too far from American values. It is time to move forward. The country we carry in our hearts is waiting.

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"Where My Money At, Arafat?"

King Abdullah is frustrated with "Palestinian leadership" because there is no Palestinian leadership. Arafat has stolen billions in international aid over the years. He's like the Middle East's Turb-enron. Palestinian anarchy and violence are encouraged so as to mask his collosal failures, like three-inch thick vaseline-covered lenses on 20/20 make Barabara Walters look like a blurry Diane Sawyer.

I do feel bad for the Palestinians in that they are lost and misguided like Anna Nicole at a MENSA convention, desperately shoving explosives in their asses in the name of hocus pocus.

Sadly, they have been made to believe that Israel is The Man keeping them down when it is their own shameful leadership that has let them down for decades. It's like a poor family blaming it's filthy living room on peverty. I say pick up your fucking trash! You'll still be poor, but you'll be poor with dignity.

by faktorial.com - where our minions stay stupid and we rob them blind

Excite News

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I Want to Have Michael Moore's Pudgy Baby!

As a deranged Bill O'Reilly recounts his tale of chasing down Michael Moore, who by all indications, is not difficult to catch, I am reminded of how much I respect Moore. I will be the first to admit that his opinions often border on Communist ideals even the Marx Brothers, who came up with them, would scoff at. Regardless, Moore represents the exercise of free speech in its purest form. He is what the media once was, before it got conglomerated and afraid to risk its billions in assets by asking hard questions or doing real investigative work.

Conservatives will talk your ears off about "liberal media", but the reality is that while many non-FOX journalists are liberal, they are often toothless and declawed by their corporate captors. In fact, Moore is one of the few people saying what is on his mind and confronting political taboos. Whether you agree with him or not, he does it all with a flair and sense of humor that even his opponents have no choice but to address his assertions. Without people like him, I'm sad to say our society will lose a critical "check and balance", leaving politicians and their corporate bedfellows to decide what's in our best interest.

If you don't think a call from a presidentially-appointed FCC chairman to the head of a major network can stop a program from airing, you'd be naive. Perfect example? Not a single major movie theater chain carried Fahrenheit 9/11, despite the fact that it made over $100M - more than any documentary ever. Guess what? Three of the big chains are major Republican contributors. Because of the geographic monopolies many chains have, there are entire parts of the country that did not get a chance to decide whether they would see the movie or not. In a free society, these companies have every right to make these kinds of decisions (and turn away big profits in the process), but shouldn't we as 'why?'. Are we so pacified and indifferent that we just don't care? I hope not.

PS - You should check out Moore's hilarious old TV shows - Awful Truth and TV Nation now on DVD. Haven't seen Roger & Me yet? ...and you call yourself a Communist

by faktorial.com - where we're still working to get knocked up by Lyndon Larouche

New York Daily News - Home - Bill O'Reilly: Moore is facts-challenged

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Is a visionless Democrat better than an apocalyptic Republican?

Let's face it, the Democrats are a weak, visionless party - and that's kind of scary. Although not as scary as the scary, prophetic Republicans who are leaving every ally behind in a streak of unilateralism that will ultimately lead to economic and political isolation. Sad as it is to admit, the people with true vision, political skill and ingenuity are staying the hell away from politics. They're filming Girls Gone Wild videos. Serenity Now!

by faktorial.com - where we sell vision in little plastic bags for $40 an ounce

Here is the key paragraph from the article:

The New York Times > Opinion > Op-Ed Columnist: All Things to All People: "What an incoherent disaster. When you actually read for content, you see that the speech skirts almost every tough issue and comes out on both sides of every major concern. The Iraq section is shamefully evasive. He can't even bring himself to use the word 'democratic' or to contemplate any future for Iraq, democratic or otherwise. He can't bring himself to say whether the war was a mistake or to lay out even the most meager plan for moving forward. For every gesture in the direction of greater defense spending, there are opposing hints about reducing our commitments and bringing the troops home."

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FEATURE: My Firsst Forrengn Polycee by Georg UU. Bush

Admittedly, I started writing this before I knew what a stack of naked Iraqi prisoners looked like. It was also before Michael Eisner secretly helped make ‘Fahrenheit 9/11’ the hip way to enjoy the fall of a great civilization – with buttered popcorn! Mmmm…yummy. And all this time, I thought Michael Moore was working on ‘Super Size Me’. Like catching your parents practicing the Kama Sutra, it’s almost impossible to shake the movie’s image of our glassy-eyed President continuing to read “My Pet Goat” to kindergarteners after learning two planes crashed into the World Trade Center. It’s not that the Bush years have been all bad…I still don’t know what Flintstone’s Cipro Chewables taste like or what not to wear to a nuclear holocaust. In this blissfully cheerful commentary, I’ll cover how this administration’s foreign policy has jeopardized American security, our international credibility and our chances of ever getting the French to bathe regularly. I will also reveal Dick Cheney's secret plan to liberate Mars from the tyrannical rule of Gargamel Khomeini. In my next faktorial, I'll expose the diabolical brilliance of the Cheney/Bush domestic policies and how the Democrats have helped them get away with it!

Don't get me wrong, I do admire one thing about this administration, and religious rightists in general: they seem to have a remarkable clarity of vision. Of course, so did Attila the Hun, Hirohito, and Colonel Sanders. And aside from its Crusade-like stench, I’m not altogether against a Middle East makeover. I’d prefer to think of it more as a ‘Queer Eye for the Fundamentalist Guy’. (“See how much brighter this makes your cave look!” or “These burkas are hideous! All black?!? You dress like every day’s a funera…sorry.”) Regardless, a more democratic, economically interdependent, and Big Mac-engorged Middle East would be in everyone’s best interest. Instead of making this case to world leaders and subversively pressuring Arab states to reform, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Bush blazed into Iraq. In fact, on September 12, 2001, Richard Clarke (the terrorism czar) told Bush there was no link between Iraq and Al Qaeda. Bush’s response? “Then find one!” Bush proceeded to read Clarke a small passage from “My Pet Goat” before making a smiley face in his mashed potatoes and soiling his Captain America Underoos.

Iraq isn’t the only problem. Generally, this administration’s foreign policy has been driven by three major forces: complacency, arrogance, and the Easter Bunny. First, complacency. Before 9/11, Bush received a memo stating a terrorist attack on our airlines was imminent. No one budged. (Almost no one – Condoleezza Rice made a paper airplane out of the memo and threw it at Paul Wolfowitz. When it got stuck in his hair, everyone laughed and laughed.) Later, the administration blamed its non-response on "the structure of government", "lack of budget" and that the memo was "not specific." Not specific?? It’s never specific!! If it is, guess what, you are the terrorist! And how much budget do you need to call 10 flight schools to get the list of students who consistently skipped the "Landing, Not Into a Building" class?

Arrogance? Not my Bush! Well, a few examples come to mind: 1) Dismissing UN weapons inspectors’ findings of “no WMD’s” like they’d been written by Ashton Kutcher. 2) Refusing to find funding partners for the ridiculously expensive rebuilding of Iraq before we bombed every gold-encrusted toilet Hussein ever sat on. (Our actual cost is estimated somewhere between the GDP of Mexico and the whitening of Michael Jackson). 3) Blatantly handing out fat contracts to Halliburton and other oil buddies...In fact, euphoric Exxon-Mobile executives even trickled some oil into the Tigris, drunkenly screaming, “There’s more where that came from, Bitch!!” My guess is the administration’s waiting for its second term to unleash the really outrageous stuff like annexing Canada, planting crack on Chirac, and executing Whoopi Goldberg.

Like clerics and Cub Scouts, religion and politics just shouldn’t mix. Bush’s actions, however, reveal a deeply-rooted, religious self-righteousness. Who could forget the 2000 Republican debate? Candidates were asked what political thinker they looked up to. Steve Forbes cited John Locke, a Revolutionary War scholar. Alan Keyes chose the founding fathers. Unhesitatingly, George W. replied, "Jesus Christ". When the moderator asked why, Bush responded, “When you turn your heart and your life over to Christ, when you accept Christ as the savior, it changes your heart and changes your life and that's what happened to me.” Was this a South Park episode? Nope, they’re the words of a guy whose own mother had to call Reverend Billy Graham to talk him out of insisting that only Christians can go to heaven and that only Dominicans should play second base.

So where has all this gotten us? In the short run, Iraq’s a mess. No major ally is willing to contribute even its most gimpy, inbred of soldiers. Our army is terribly weakened, limiting deployment to other regions, like Afghanistan (where the terrorists are). Reservists are now serving over a year in Iraq and are down to Red Bull and ketchup packets. Things are so bad that Forrest Gump, Chuck Norris, and the cross-dressing Arab guy from M.A.S.H. just got draft notices. Worst of all, over 900 American lives, not to mention tens of thousands of Iraqis, have been snuffed since the war began. And let’s not forget our coalition partners Latvia, Nicaragua and the 96th Street YMCA who’ve suffered an unprecedented forty four hangnails, thirty two twisted ankles and countless bad haircuts. Our presence in Iraq will continue to incite suicide bombers, kidnappers, and grainy videos by hooded men who have clearly never heard of NYU Film School. And overall, the world is a far more hostile place for Americans and Filipino truck drivers.

The far scarier part of all this – that no one (except me and Ali G) is mentioning – are the long-term effects of pre-emptive war. First, the intense nuclear proliferation triggered by Bush. By obliterating Iraq and negotiating with that kooky prick in North Korea, we have sent the world a clear message that the only way to keep your local dictator out of a filthy ditch is by having nuclear weapons. Like leaving the July Playboy near the showers at Riker's Island, there is a global feeding frenzy for all things nuclear. Poor countries like Pakistan and former Soviet republics are more than happy to oblige through a complex laundering network of strip clubs and clubbed baby seals. (I love PETA. Really.)

Bush has also reminded our allies of something they were perfectly willing to ignore – that we can take out France anytime we want. Actually, as the world’s lone superpower, we can ignore the UN and NATO when it suits us, chase Sikhs with baseball bats ‘cuz they sort of look like Arabs, and add relish to falafel. As a result, our “allies” are busy forming regional alliances that purposely exclude the US such as the Russia-France “defense partnership", the EU “virtual superpower” defense consolidation, and the Cuba-Haiti DontBombUs Accord. As a result, the US may be on a path to becoming that slow, fat friend who never gets invited to the dance. So, with non-existent credibility, the current administration has no choice but to attack Europe now before these alliances set in. Rumsfeld already popped three Viagra in preparation for his shiny new war briefing.

Of course, the future may not be all bad. If done properly, a democratic, economically viable Iraq could pressure other Arab states to reform, or at least build casinos. Coupled with our “war of ideas” (basically Shrek and porn dubbed into Arabic), our efforts could ultimately reduce hostilities and bring many Arab states solidly into the 19th century. Sadly, it would also force Al Jazeera reporters to cut each others heads off as that pool of wacky reality programming they’ve come to depend on dries up.

So can Cheney and Bush steer us towards global peace? Unlikely. With less credibility than the “Gigli II” rumor, this administration can no longer convincingly sit in front of world leaders. Can you imagine the snickers and winks next time Colin Powell pulls out a manila folder labeled, “CIA: Confidential”? Even our biggest allies are distancing themselves from us. Has anyone even seen Tony Blair lately?

Internationally, the next administration has to accomplish six major goals to put us back on the path to stability:

1. Begin repairing partnerships damaged by the Bush team (Does Gerhard Schroeder like steak? I’d take him to Peter Luger’s and stuff him full of meat ‘til he couldn’t take it anymore.)
2. Gain commitment from NATO, the UN and key Arab states to provide military and economic aid for Iraq (pending approval of the puppet regime)
3. Create multinational economic/political pressure and incentives to secularize states like Saudi Arabia, Iran and Egypt. (By “incentives” I mean everything from secretly sponsoring the building non-religious schools to developing original new sitcoms like “Everybody Loves Rabinowitz”, “Curb Your Fundamentalism” or “Mustafa in the Middle”)
4. Find a gentle way to get rid of Arafat (“Butter of The Month Club”??) and finally get the two sides to reach agreement on Gaza, the West Bank and who makes the best humus.
5. Promote assimilation programs for European Arabs, whose birthrates will soon make them a majority in France and taxi stands across that continent.
6. Nuke North Korea (only because I hate favoritism).

My prediction for the presidential election? Well, I think Hussein will get exonerated and run for President in the new, democratic Iraq. He’ll win because he’s the only one who’s shown he can govern that mess. At his inauguration, he’ll gas a few Kurds just to say, ‘Thanks for believing in me!’ In a matter of months, he’ll send all foreign militants home in small envelopes, resume diplomatic relations with the US, and host his own reality show, “Saddam Extreme Makeover” where every contestant wins surgery to look like their favorite oppressor. I can’t wait for the very special Uday and Qusay Ramadan episode.

…Oh, you meant that election?

Coming soon:

• Part 2: “Just Got Back From Iraq and All I Got Was This Lousy Stem Cell”
• Major updates to faktorial.com plus action figures

by faktorial.com - where Bush is a four-letter word and Condi is a five-letter word and...

read the rest of this faktorial here!

FEATURE: My War Against Baguettes, Burkas and "The Bachelor"

Ok, I’ve never really made it much of a secret, but in case you never cared to ask – I don’t like the French. From their award winning interior design for World War II concentration camps near Paris to their recent shenanigans at the UN Security Council, the French have elevated cowardice to a bizarre form of art. …as if layering any stray piece of dough with gobs of butter wasn’t enough reason to bomb that big, out-of-order antenna they call the Eiffel Tower. The French have finally pushed me to brink – no more filet mignon, hors d’oeuvres, soufflé, French fries, bleu cheese...I’m getting hungry. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have punched the waiter at Le Cirque. It’s not like I was dining there or anything.

Before I get into my plan for bombing the Cannes Film Festival, let’s discuss the more urgent reason you should read the rest of this brilliant piece (or desperate cry for a hobby). While not quite at the brink of World War III, we, as members of the civilized world, are at a turning point. Our dilemma is one of order and civility versus disorder and mayhem and we all must take a stand. George W. took a stand. Unfortunately, Michael Jackson has more credibility (not to mention supple, young hostages) in Europe than GW. Why? Simply, Europeans do not respond well to blunt, self-righteous nincompoops with an exalted sense of moral clarity. Unfortunately, we have exactly one of these and we call him President. Instead of seizing the opportunity after September 11th to bring the world to our side, George has often alienated and divided – not so much with ‘what’ he represented, but ‘how’ he did it. But, like a zit on prom night, we are stuck with the fancy dress, the rented limo and little choice but to go to the dance.


To war or not to war. That is the question. I’m no fan of war. I hate violence. I still send flowers to Colorado every time they kill Kenny on ‘South Park’. Sometimes, however, war is the only way. The question in Iraq is not quite so clear. On one hand, a war would 1) suppress a rogue state; 2) provide us with a base of operations in a region where Americans are only slightly more popular than lice and cholera; and 3) allow our hypocrite celebrities to run their SUV’s more economically. Conversely, war does little to address the deep-ceded ignorance (a.k.a. Islamic Fundamentalism) and festering hatred towards the West promoted by wealthy Arab regimes (as a means of controlling their impoverished masses). To date, our administration’s best long-term proposal for the region included several Taco Bell chalupas, a deep discount on Jimmy Kimmel Show re-runs and a free concert by Corey Feldman and three of the Backstreet Boys.

In the short term, war will fuel terrorism, limit personal freedoms and cost a fortune - at a time when our economy looks much like Stephen Segal trying to do a leg kick. Honestly, I’m not too worried about the cost. What the government is not telling us is that we are no more than ravenous skanks in a game of ‘Who Wants to Bomb a Billionaire?’ The cost of every missile accidentally launched into an Iraqi nail clipper factory will be recouped tenfold in lower oil prices. And don’t think OPEC isn’t strapping on diapers. They know once we gain access to Iraq’s vast oil reserves, we are more likely to see an Ariel Sharon book-signing in Lebanon than the lofty $35 a barrel we currently pay. Goodbye, fancy turbans… Hello, cold pizza and basic cable.

So what’s the answer? Do the French have a point, or just poor hygiene? Do we give inspectors more time? Or, do we turn Baghdad into Pompeii? Well, I have a sneaky suspicion that OPEC nations are desperately trying to take out Hussein – peacefully or otherwise. If they do not beat us to it, I believe we have to fight. I don’t say this lightly. Ideally, we should do so with UN support, but at this point, only an Oscar for Tom Green seems less likely. In fact, by opposing the removal of Hussein, the UN may be sealing its own fate. By allowing Iraq to go unchecked for years, falling for systemic trickery and failing to act with resolve, the UN has turned into the current version of the Rolling Stones: expensive, irrelevant and slightly painful to look at.

Ultimately, Iraq may be our best opportunity to violently drag - like a straight man to a Judy Garland tribute – a major Arab state towards progressive secularism. This “model state” would be a first step in a long and painful evolution towards a peace that only our great grandchildren and Dick Clark will live to see. To do this right, we will need a better long-term plan and bushels of the Girls of Ramadan calendar. I trust Dick Cheney is working on this between defibrillations. When not vigorously massaging Gimpy Dick’s rock-hard arteries, Colin Powell and the rest of the Cabinet are fairly capable, if not rational, war-mongers. In their hands, we will have a quick, decisive victory that we can enjoy from the comfort of our own televisions. (Time Warner just added Missile Launch On-Demand to channel 1053 on Manhattan cable. For an extra $3 a month, you get to vote an obnoxious general or a way-too-hot-for-her-own-good military nurse off the desert each week.) …and did I just get away with using ‘dick’, ‘gimpy’ and ‘rock-hard’ like 14 times in one paragraph?

After our victory, we must also make meaningful change within our own borders. Most importantly, by reducing our dependence on oil, ‘The Bachelor’ and the Atkins diet. First, the oil. We created this beast – now we must slay it. Car, oil and manufacturing companies have continually lobbied (bribed) politicians to suppress research and development of alternative energy sources, conservation legislation and even use of long-existing technologies such as ethanol-fueled cars (used for years Brazil and admired from afar by Susan Sarandon). It is only through more sensible consumption, alternative energy and internment of SUV owners that we can ensure our long term independence.

Getting back to our impending victory in Iraq… Guess who will be nipping on the heals of our success - the French - contributing aid and “peacekeeping forces” in exchange for their piece of the action. France, how do you sleep at night? So cowardly and irrelevant, yet utterly unwilling to face it. Now, go finish that stupid tower! …what’s it gonna be?

...stay tuned for the next installment when we will learn why North Korea doesn't really exist, how to protect your pets from terrorist attacks, and ways to get the best deal on a weekend getaway to Afghanistan.

- by faktorial.com - where baguettes are weapons of deadly satire

read the rest of this faktorial here!

FEATURE: Saving the World One Snack at a Time

Well, I've got another international flight coming up - this Friday the 13th(!). As I pack my pants and fold that shirt with the tomato sauce specs I hope no one will notice, I can't help but think of the things I'd really like to pack - a Pope bubble and a pitbull. If you've traveled recently, you probably understand. At any given moment at an airport near you, a former fry cook is feeling up an 80 year old white woman searching for a bomb. As the actual terrorists waiting on line begin to complain, our speculation is confirmed - the only weapon Inspector McNugget will find is a pair of loaded Depends and a tube of Ben Gay. So the roulette wheel of travel spins, as I scour my dresser for just one more pair of clean underwear. Hmm…here's a pair from 8th grade. Good enough.

As a writing teacher once told me - "You're standing on my foot!" Wait, that's not the quote. It's this: "Making people cry is easy, but making them think is hard." Another tearful tribute will not bring the victims back. Averting further destruction is the hard part. Luckily, I figured it all out on my train ride. This should save you some time in case you were working on this too. The answer? It's pretty simple - Britney Spears! (I bet you thought I’d say Gary Coleman.) Read on and it will all make sense.

So where are we now? Our cross-eyed simpleton President, who has spent 42% of his presidency at leisure destinations, has successfully scattered a band of hairy nomads from Afghanistan to neighboring regions so they can live to kill another day. We then secretly replaced these illiterate barbarians with a puppet government hobbled by mercenaries known as "warlords". Will the long-suffering people of Afghanistan even notice a difference? We've also taken on a lifetime of Michael Jackson surgeries worth of expenses to protect and develop that country. Can Starbucks and Ronald McDonald in a Burka be far behind?

Now, Alfred E. President wants to attack Iraq. Even our brilliant intelligence sources say Iraq is close to building a nuclear missile albeit with the range of a paper airplane carrying scissors. If we do attack, we'll be the sole Sugar Daddy for Iraq for years. Those $500 billion could be better spent filming the ‘Adventures of Pluto Nash’ trilogy. If we must take unilateral military action, I suggest invading Saudi Arabia. Those sheiks have been exploiting their people for years and funding the very fundamentalism that yielded eleven of last year’s attackers. The logic is simple: 1) there will be no bloodshed - they are defended by Teletubbies; 2) we'll have a base to monitor the region and film future episodes of “Blind (and Tortured) Date” and, 3) we get enough oil to tease the hair of every girl in Bensonhurst - for a millennium. Of course, this would never happen. Why? The Bush family, Dick Cheney and senior administration officials have extensive financial ties with the Saudis. Why screw up a good thing? Sorry, Bensonhurst!

That brings me to the big issue: blowing up Jews and Americans. As my math professor once told me - "There's toilet paper on your shoe." He then said, "Sometimes, the right answer is the simple one." To put it simply, the root of Arab hatred is envy and resentment - not land. For years, Israelis have prospered on what was once a tiny plot of worthless dirt. Relative to surrounding Arab states, Israel is the size of a dime on a football field. So to think this conflict is mostly about land is to dress Rosie O'Donnel in a bikini and blame the lip gloss.

While Israel built a prosperous democracy, oil-rich Arab governments promoted tooth decay, running with scissors and stoning compulsive masturbators. Moreover, they did nothing to promote industry, culture or civil liberties. Instead, these wealthy minorities fueled a staggering mass-ignorance. With fundamentalist Islam as their weapon of choice, they’ve successfully concealed the real enemy – Justin Timberlake. Seriously, if desperate Palestinian families weren't so busy taking Arafat's cash to strap bombs to their children, they might start asking how Arafat got to be worth $6 Billion. Was it his award winning line of headwear? Or did he win the big Iran-Iraq-Syria Powerball Lottery?

Naturally, Jews and Americans make great scapegoats (and pastries). Jews - because they live so well, so close to scores of oppressed Arabs. And because they found a way to grow oranges in the desert at a cost $45 apiece and still sell them for $0.79 a kilo. As for Americans - let's face it, our McCulture is everywhere. An orphan in Kabul is more likely to know the name of the loser on American Idol (Justin - you were robbed!!!) than simple division (two hijacked aid trucks times thirty bags of flour each divided by three warlords equals? Equals?!!?! Stupid kids....).

Like Anna Nicole explaining the Pythagorean Theorem, we have yet to address the short-term threat of terrorism. Our enemy walks among us just waiting for new instructions. Forty year old "students" from the Middle East roam freely on visas that sport names like “Al Queda” and “Mohammed Atta Killya” just because they can. In some states, you can still get a free flight lesson if you buy three lap dances and a Coke - no questions asked. And journalists just snuck three swords, five grenades and a pygmy with a blow-dart on 14 planes across the country. Still, no conclusive national ID or information sharing plans have been adopted. I do hear, however, that George W. suggested we can save time by detaining only those people who have not yet been on a reality TV show.

Ultimately, our feeble politicians will resolve the short-term issues. In the long run, our greatest weapon will be - have you guessed yet? That's right - Britney Spears. And when I say "Britney Spears", I mean it as a euphemism for all things great and shallow about our culture. As I travel through Europe and meet people from all over the globe, it is shocking how powerful and influential we are. Everyone knows Arnold (even though he's technically imported, he was assembled here). Check out the CD collections of kids in France - they might hate us, but they all speak English and buy 'N Sync (or at least, download it on Kazaa). Bruce Willis movies have been dubbed into 80 languages. Bruce Willis!!!!!!!

Unlike most solutions that tell you the 'what'. I also have the 'how'. And it not only applies to Middle Eastern Nations, but to North Korea, China and other nations with gauche wardrobe options. (I've waited 29 years to use 'gauche' in a sentence.) Here are the primary components of my solution:

1. Immediately start dubbing our catalog of movies and TV shows into Arabic. (Perhaps we don't start with Seinfeld right off the bat.)
2. Begin building an all-Arabic, US-friendly news network. Develop creative original programming with guidance from our many brilliant creative minds. (Howard Stern, start packing!)
3. Secretly fund multiple Arab-owned companies situated in the Middle East to install free satellite systems and internet kiosks in bars, cafés and other public places.
4. Provide (carefully laundered) funds to private Arab citizens to build public, non-religious schools across the Middle East. (Of course, we’ll need a call from our President...hmm...better make that our Vice President or Tony Soprano to gently “encourage” cooperation.)
5. Finally, we begin beaming our images of wealth, happiness, personal freedom and sublime grooming habits to all points Arabic.

You guessed it - before long, even hardened ex-terrorists will have man-boobs and demand the right to watch them grow while watching TRL on MTV. Soon there will be implants under those Burkas and we will have won. All it will take is a little time and a lot of potato chips. Go America!

...now what did I do with my remote?


by faktorial.com - where satire goes horribly, horribly wrong

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