I’m in Mahmoud for Love

It’s been only one year since he first called me ‘queer’

And threatened to kill all my friends near and dear.
Now, he is changed. He’s the love of my life,
I am Mahmoud’s big, luscious, trans-gendered wife

Our love simmered slowly under enemy fire,
As Saddam sent our hairiest men to funeral pyres
In those smelly, black trenches, one brave lad stood out,
Like a kettle or teapot, he was hot, short, and stout.

Fire in his belly and the buns of a god,
I knew that he’d kill me if I stared at his wad
I suffered in silence and then let it go,
War’s just not safe for an Iranian homo

Years quickly passed. All my friends had now wed,
And there I still was giving gay soldiers head.
One day between clients in a seedy motel,
I saw HIM on TV damning all Jews to hell

My heart went a flutter, my loins were aflame,
I wanted his love, and to scream out his name!
Ahmadinejad! Ahmadinejad! I’m yours!
…as long as you never see what’s in my drawers

Dressed like a lady, I took to the street,
To all of the nooks where girls and tyrants meet
After-mosque hate-fests, jihadist retreats,
Ayatollah-coaster rides, and gay ‘beat-and-greets’

Finally, I found him in a burkalesque joint,
Girls covered in sacks, Mullahs spouting their points
Praise be Allah! We finally spoke!
It was love at first sight…through the slits of my cloak

That dark, steamy night sparked a five year affair,
He’d read me the Koran, I’d describe him my hair
Five years of courtship had taken their tolls,
His mood became blue… not to mention his balls

Convince me he tried: "Marry me, I’ll be true,
I’ll dedicate nuclear reactors to you”
“They’re for energy only,” he’d insist with a wink,
Then he’d whisper sweet nothings about Al-Qaeda links

As he sipped virgin daiquiris from my size 12 Kenneth Coles,
I was drunk with desire, I would bare him my soul
He was not very happy with my missing hole,
He raved like a madman, smashed my face with a bowl

He zipped up his pants; “there’s no gays in Iran!”
I had to get fixed to hold on to MY MAN
The next day after surgery was the worst of my life,
Until boxes of gifts had begun to arrive

He meant to send roses, but sent guns by mistake
So Hezbollah kept calling, for goodness sake!
He did send me tampons and a silent CD,
Music wasn’t allowed…at least he’s thinking of me

Till this very day, ‘it’ sits, locked in his drawer,
A secretive relic of why I’m still sore
He still threatens me lovingly with his firing squad,
But I know that he loves me because in bed, it’s JIHAD!

By faktorial.com – where despots let their freak flags fly.


Think we're joking? Here's the article that inspired this brilliant faktorial:
Read this article from The Guardian UK

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Polyp from President’s Colon Contains Nancy Pelosi

After a detailed biopsy, Dr. Herman von Blumpkin said that the polyp removed from President Bush’s colon contained House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. It appears Ms. Pelosi was digested whole and ungarnished. After promising to end the Iraq war and reverse the damage of the Bush Administration, both Miss Pelosi and hope for change have mysteriously vanished. Doctors were only able to recover one of these items from the First Rectum.

“She hung on for dear life,” observed Dr. Blumpkin. “We found a trail of broken Lee Press-On Nails, silicone gel, and wig glue throughout Mr. Bush’s large intestine,” he added.

To earn the trust of the administration, prospective aides, cabinet nominees, and generals must earn a Dicks-Sigma brown belt. Certification requires at least forty hours inside either George Bush or Dick Cheney’s colon with little more than trail mix, a candle, and a quilted roll of Exit Strategy.

According to White House Spokesman Tony Snow, “Mr. Bush can loosen and release visitors on demand. It’s a technique he learned from Deepak Chopra.” The former journalist continued, “When Ms. Pelosi passed me, riding a tidal wave of beef stew and baby carrots, I knew the Democrats might be up to something.”

In fact, Ms. Pelosi believed that infiltrating the Administration’s inner sanctum was the Democrats’ only hope. “We had no idea how inner their sanctum really was,” one Congressman admitted.

The Democrats' original volunteer, Congressman Charlie Rangel, was too beefy to fit inconspicuously inside the President. Reportedly, Mr. Rangel failed his first drill. Despite hours of yoga and lubrication, he struggled to get more than a yard deep into a nearly-rigid Jerry Falwell. Unlike Ms. Pelosi, Mr. Rangel expected to encounter fierce opposition from well-armed, fundamentalist white blood cells.

While Ms. Pelosi hunted for strategic truffles, Mr. Cheney used his brief tenure to issue nine executive orders, eliminating free speech, brown M&M’s, and each of “those seven gay dwarves”.


By Faktorial.com – where we strongly advise against lighting a candle inside an intestine, without Republican supervision.

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Cheney Joins New Species to Avoid Oversight

Dick Cheney’s Chief of Staff, Lumpy Farnsworth, asserted yesterday that the Vice President will not release any classified documents because he is, in fact, a giant Peruvian penguin. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow clarified, “I know, Secretary sounds like a girl’s job.” He continued, “The Vice President simply cannot ‘hand over’ documents. Everybody knows penguins have no hands. Mr. Cheney was never explicitly asked to ‘flipper over’ any documents.”

After the real Penguin and his arch enemy, Batman, debunked Mr. Cheney’s claim, the Vice President’s legal team released this statement:

“One year ago, Vice President Cheney hired a no-bid contractor to build a top-secret sanctuary inside his own head. This ‘Island of Justice’ (IOJ) will act as America’s K-Y Jelly, keeping the ferocious thrust of freedom from tearing and bleeding. Like Guantanamo, IOJ operates well outside US or Jedi jurisdiction. The Island features amenities like encrypted e-mail, a clone army, and a modest Lipitor factory.”

In a strange press conference this morning, Mr. Cheney somersaulted into the room and hopped onto the podium. He introduced himself as “Imperial Commander of the Island of Justice, the most magical place in the whole, wide world.” Mr. Cheney then held up a gold medallion with a “~” symbol. “From this day forward, you may call me ‘Squiggly Thing’”. He stopped abruptly and skipped out of the building into the Vice Presidential limo, Ambulance Two.

After the press conference, Bill Kristol of FOX News defended the Vice President. “Squiggly Thing is definitely not part of the Executive Branch. He’s a completely different person,” he insisted. “I would go as far as to say, that as long as he’s not on US soil, he’s not bound by any US laws.”

“That includes when he jumps,” confirmed Hallie Burton, Mr. Cheney’s lead attorney. “In fact, any decisions made while Dick Cheney is airborne are not subject to US law. That goes doubly for Squiggly Thing.” She added, “Both Mr. Cheney and Squiggly Thing are training with LeBron James to maximize their leaping abilities. The conditioning will allow them to issue non-Executive orders in complete sentences, instead of fragments like ‘fire attorneys’ or ‘kill Michael Mooo’.”

Administration officials claim that Mr. Cheney and Mr. Squiggly are quite close, but competitive. “They’re even planning a hunting trip,” revealed one cabinet member.

After the press demanded access to Squiggly Thing and the Island of Justice, Lumpy Farnsworth announced a plan to hide five Golden Squigglies inside random oil barrels. “The first five reporters who find these, will win a free tour of The Island,” he explained.

The announcement triggered an immediate spike in oil demand.


by faktorial.com – where one more bite from Dick Cheney will definitely turn us Republican!

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Greek Parade Faces Hostile Takeover After Pita Theft

After an embarrassing turnout at Sunday’s Greek Day Parade, analysts predict a hostile takeover, possibly by the Persian Rug Pageant. Sunday's debacle featured several, mostly Puerto Rican high school bands, floats made of Reynolds Wrap and back hair, and a small fire caused by the Souvlaki Unibrow Institute. The parade’s demise may have been sealed when Greece's most precious artifact, The Giant Pita, was stolen by masked bandits.

Legend has it that The Giant Pita (a.k.a. Pita the Great), a 67-foot flatbread, was prepared for Alexander the Great by only three Spartan bakers. Historians believe that it should have taken several hundred bakers to handle a pita of that size, making it one of the bravest culinary feats in history. But, in a moment of carelessness, the iconic pastry was gone.

Till this day, Greek boys in Astoria, New York are taken from their families at the age of six to be raised by sweaty, hairy Greek men with a singular purpose – to defend The Giant Pita. They wrestle nude, learn to handle their kebabs, and make yogurt sauce under the watchful eye of Pitacus, the legendary leader of the Astoria Greeks.

“I don’t know what happened,” said Gus #7, a Pitacus disciple. “The great pita was poorly defended. We have no excuse.”

Another witness, Gus #453, found a bright side to the tragedy. “We might have lost the pita, but this marks the first time in our rich history that the Greek Orthodox Boys Choir and the Mega Erectus Bath House fought together, side by side, against a common enemy.” He added, “This union brings renewed hope for the future of Astoria and for the accelerated production of our famous, tangy yogurt.”

Privately, the parade’s organizers are believed to be desperately seeking a merger with a sympathetic parade partner. Candidates include The Latvian Liver Festival, Sanjaya-palooza, and the Michael Bolton/John Tesh World Tour.

Jeff Blumfield, Parade Analyst at Bear Sterns, expects the worst. "I don’t think a hostile takeover can be avoided,” he predicted. “Greeks might just wake up tomorrow and find out they’re now Irish, Dominican, or possibly Chinese.”

At first, many assumed the blockbuster movie ‘300’ would rejuvenate Greek pride. Unfortunately, after years in the American school system, most young Greeks surveyed at the parade believed Sparta was “somewhere near Canada”.


by Faktorial.com – where the yogurt is always fresh and maps of Sparta, Canada are available for $10 plus S&H.

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‘Take Pill, Kasparov’

Former Russian chess champion and freedom fighter, Gary Kasparov, was arrested Sunday for leading a protest of Vladimir Putin's authoritarian regime. Mr. Kasparov took over after former rebel leader, Vladimir ‘Crazy Clown’ Trotsky, was trampled to death by fleeing protesters as his massive, green shoes got caught in a sewer drain.

Though Mr. Kasparov was later released, Faktorial.com has obtained a secret transcript of his detention experience:

Guard 1: Take this pill.

Kasparov: No.

Guard 1: Take it..

Kasparov: No.

Guard 1: Are you hungry?

Kasparov: No.

Guard 1: We have sushi.

Kasparov: I’m not hungry.

Guard 1: Cake. We have cake.

Kasparov: It’s fluorescent.

Guard 1: But is delicious! Yum! Boris, come here. Try cake.

(Guard 2, Boris, walks over).

Guard 1: Here try!

(Boris resists. Guard 1 places a piece on a spoon.)

Guard 1: Choo Chooo!

(Boris keeps his mouth closed. Turns his head.)

Guard 1: You don’t want cake? OK.

(Guard 1 takes out his gun and shoots Boris in the head.)

Guard 1: Anyway, I say, is good cake.

Guard 1: You have kids?



by faktorial.com - where we know Polonium does not affect the flavor.


NY Times Article

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Japanese Man sues King of Pop for Losing Face

A financially-strapped Michael Jackson, who recently auctioned off his petrified pet chimp, his detachable scrotum, and the boy holding it, is being sued. In papers filed today in Tokyo, Ichiro Suzuki, who paid $3,500 for a 30 second face to face meeting with Jackson, claims the meeting did not actually happen because "Mr. Jack-san has no face." Mr. Suzuki and his nine year-old son Kibuki Suzuki are suing for 540 Billion Yen, or $167.50. The suit alleges the boy is now "too traumatized to attend Thriller Middle School , a prestigious Karaoke academy, causing the family great shame." Jackson's publicist promised the star would address all charges once he locates his mouth, which he recently misplaced. Should he prevail, Mr. Suzuki plans to use the money to meet his other heroes, Robert Blake and Sirhan Sirhan.

Press-Telegram - $3,500 for face time with King of Pop

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Castro Recovering From a Mild Case of Death

HAVANA, CUBA - Cuba's Foreign Minister Felipe Perez confirmed today that Fidel Castro is headed for a full recovery. He explained that "El Presidente has been following his doctor's advice of resting in formaldehyde and avoiding strenuous hobbies such as moving or breathing."

To maintain order, Cuba's Channel Uno, which also simulcasts on Channel Dos and Channel Tres, has been airing footage of the ailing dictator bungee jumping, smoldering on hot coals, and making love to Screech from Saved by the Bell. When a worm crawled out of El Presidente's eye socket during "the money shot", many began to suspect the film was doctored.

To quell further suspicion, Mr. Castro is going on a live tour. 'The Original Cadavers of Comedy' with James Brown and Anna Nicole Smith kicks off in Fresh Kills, NY on Saturday March 17.

by faktorial.com - where even cadavers can oppress a nation

Excite News - Cuban Minister: Castro Could Return Soon

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J-Date Turns Jewish Man Anti-Semitic

LOS ANGELES - In October 2006, David Birnbaum, a 30 year old marketing manager, joined Jdate.com, a popular Jewish dating site. Mr. Birnbaum, a Jew, did so to silence his mother’s ruthless deconstruction of all his non-Jewish girlfriends. The sound of her voice in his head eventually ruined all of those relationships. “You call this a girl?” “What kind of face is that?” “What’s with those thighs? Like tree trunks. Feh.” Then after three months of dating only Jews, Mr. Birnbaum quit his synagogue, shaved his head, and gave the keynote address at a Holocaust denial conference in Iran.

Like most of Mr. Birnbaum’s accomplishments, this quest began with a subconscious disdain for his mother. It was punctuated by her persistent, empty threat, “I’m not gonna live forever, Bubaleh.” Like Ahab and Moby-Dick, Birnbaum took to the internet to hunt his mythical creature, the nice Jewish girl. While specific traits are said to vary, the Unabridged Oy to Oy-Vey Dictionary defines “nice Jewish girl” as “a bride who proudly inherits her mother-in-law’s nagging and emasculation duties.”

Mr. Birnbaum could sense the desperation in his parents. “At one point, I knew they’d be happy with anyone with some combination of ten fingers or toes and little to no evidence of retardation,” he admitted. “As long as she could stop drooling long enough to make latkes or remove that creepy gelatin off the Gefilte fish, they’d throw us the biggest wedding this side of Mumbai.”

It was during J-Date’s sign-up process that Mr. Birnbaum began feeling uncomfortable. He had tried Match.com and Yahoo Personals, but never encountered a mandatory financial portfolio section. “It was integrated with Quicken, TurboTax, and Microsoft Money,” he added.

“Right after J-Date validated my W-2’s, the first girl I e-mailed sent me a detailed ‘Notice of Incompatibility’,” he recalled. “She thought we shouldn’t date because I’m a growth investor and she’s into bonds and livestock futures. She then proceeded to critique my 401K allocations.”

Gary Schwartz, a friend and fellow online dater, suggested that Mr. Birnbaum use his Starbucks Strategy. “You meet for coffee. If you like each other, get together again,” advised Mr. Schwartz. “If not, you don’t waste three hours and $90 on a total stranger who has a very loose interpretation of ‘Athletic and Toned’.”

“It was a good plan,” remembered Mr. Birnbaum, as he doodled a swastika on the sleeve of his hospital gown. “The coffee thing didn’t work once. Jewish girls are far too crafty and powerful. It’s like they were genetically engineered to only go out on Saturday nights. About half would order the lobster or some rare truffle found by pregnant pigs. Mostly, to prove they were worth the money.”

Mr. Birnbaum spent months dating Barbara Streisand look-alikes, learning the nuances of diamond clarity, and deconstructing why he’s not a doctor. When he did manage to get a word in, it was his salary. His bank account was depleted, he was fresh out of Matzo jokes, and his calm demeanor had cracked. “Why would she keep saying ‘milchik’ instead of ‘milk’? Why not just milk? Why?” he screamed.

An attendant ran in to inject Mr. Birnbaum with a mild sedative.

Things went from bad to worse. Mr. Birnbaum was fired from his job and lost touch with his friends. He just sat in his apartment listening to German Industrial band Rammstein with songs like “Gefilte Fist”, “Blintz-kreig” and “Kashrut of All Evil”. Inspired, Mr. Birnbaum joined an Aryan kickball league, pledged his life savings to Jerry Lewis’s Hezbollah-thon on Channel 9, and underwent foreskin reconstruction surgery.

Finally, his parents intervened and committed their son to a mental health facility. Doctors believe a full recovery is possible, as long as Mr. Birnbaum sticks to a steady diet of bagels and lox with low doses of French and Brazilian girls.


- by faktorial.com – where French and Brazilian girls go to meet eligible Jewish men



2007 Copyright of Faktorial.com. All Rights Reserved.

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EXCLUSIVE: Bush to Send 20,000 Mexican Gardeners to Tame Iraq (Speech Transcript)

Faktorial.com has obtained exclusive, advanced text of Wednesdays’s Presidential address, outlining the new Iraq strategy:

Good evening America and evil-doers. This is your President. President Bush. Today, I I want to address something that’s starting to bother me. Hemorrhoids. Karl said a joke to start would kill. (pause) America, the reason I have been seated here is if I stood, you'd see I have no pants. That's two, Karl. I'm killing. Another thing that's killing my Presidency is something I call Iraq. Iraq is a place. Some folks don’t think what we’re doing in Iraq is good. Some say it’s lacking in so-called success. Others call it a war. I disagree.

Former generals and funeral directors would have you believe things aren't savageable. It's not true. There are many strong signs that the people of Iraq are ready to leave the violence of the past behind and embrace the violence of the future. By hanging Saddam Hussein on YouTube, the people of Iraq are free. Free to elect any Ayatollah they want from brand new Diebold VoteBunker 4000’s. Freedom is never free. It is exactly $9 billion a month.

There's also progress helping the flatulating Iraqi army get up on their feet. Some of them cannot. They do not have feet, because of some insurgent folks over there. Still, the fire of hope burns bright in their eyes. It burns even brighter in what’s left of the Basra police station.

We cannot afford to lose. That is why I have gathered, in a room, with my most trusted advisors, Flavor Flav, Steven Seagal, and Billy from Melrose Place. I asked them all the tough questions. Together, we worked through the 7:00 o'clock Seinfeld re-run last Thursday, to craft a decisive recipe for Tiramisu. As you know, My Name is Earl does not start ‘til eight. That gave us precious time to develop a path to victory in Ir..a...n, which I will read off this napkin.

The first thing we must do is ease secretarian tensions. We’ll do so by giving Sunnis and Shiites cute, funny names like Spongebomber Squarepants and Tickle-me-Tikritin. Who would assassinate an Ayatollah Smurfi? A Terror-tubby? Not under America's watch!

Next, we will make it easier to work with the various fractions. We will give Iraqis simple, less scary names, like Indian call center workers. For example, Muktada al-Sadr will now be “Mike”. Grand Ayatollah Ali Ali al-Sistani will be “Stan”.

We will not pull our troops out of Iraq. Instead, I will pull all Iraqis out of Iraq and drop them into Darfur. That way, everyone we don’t plan to help is in one, convenient place.

Until this happens, we need to engorge our troop levels. These will not be Americans. I plan to send 20,000 Mexican gardeners and day laborers that Laura captured near our Texas ranch. This new force will patrol Baghdad in a ’75 Chevy El Camino.

We must also break the will of the insurgency. We’ll do this by weaponizing the music of Kevin Federline and Brooke Hogan. We’ve also placed velvet ropes and a snippy, transgenderal bouncer wherever we don’t want insurgents or ugly tourists wearing Scrunchies.

As a sign of goodwill to moderate Arabs. People like…hmmm…like the guy on Lost. I plan to shut down the prison camp at Guantanamo Bay. All campers will be transfered inside of my head. There, brown freedom haters can be held indefinitely and interrogated in complete isolation from world opinion.

If these Plan A initiatives fail, we have another plan that comes after A. It is on a separate napkin.

To conclude, I look forward to working with the Democratic majority, until those Russian reporters are done urinating into their water supply.

Finally, we must not let partisan defeatism blind us from the massive “Delusion Accomplished” banner behind me.

God bless America. Good night.

By faktorial.com – where incompetence and poor grammar have yet to lead to Presidency, or even a low-level cabinet position

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Rove Returns as Hospitals Swell With Fallen Democrats

Washington D.C. - Shortly after Democratic Senator Tim Johnson was hospitalized with stroke symptoms, the Washington Times has learned of a Republican plot codenamed “Election, Schmelection”. Borrowing a page from Vladimir Putin’s ‘30-Minute Last Meals’ cookbook, Republican strategist Karl Rove plans to poison his party back into power. Rove operatives have secured massive amounts of Pelosium-215, a highly unstable, radioactive isotope that causes erratic behavior, indecisiveness, and eventual self-destruction.

After the failure of pre-election tactics such as re-paving roads in black voting districts to lead directly into the sea and rigging voting machines to launch Hispanics into space, Karl Rove needed a break. After basking in the warmth of a red sun and feasting on pounds of black-market stem cells, Mr. Rove returned with VENGNCE on his mind – and on his new license plate. While on his way to make empty promises to evangelicals, Mr. Rove coyly told a reporter, “It’s only a majority, if they live.”

When told of the plot, Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer was not surprised. “We know what they’re capable of. We just have to be ready,” he acknowledged. “Today alone, Bill Frist sent me gift subscriptions to both the Butter of the Month Club and the Isotope of the Month Club.”

Other Democratic Congressmen and Senators have received gifts ranging from anthrax cupcakes to arsenic-flavored popcorn to Gillette Hep-C razors. Rep. Barney Frank got a brand new Canon digital camera - packaged with a scantily clad infant and a free memory card.

Democrats remain defiant, no matter how fluorescent their urine. Many have begun aggressive workout regimens. Some have hired food tasters or look-alikes. Even celebrities have offered to help. For example, both Helen Mirren and Harvey Fierstein plan to stand in for Hillary Clinton on select occasions.

Because Republican governors can choose replacements for dead Democrats, the Democrats have several Doomsday options, should some of them be killed successfully:

1. The first is a “Weekend at Bernie’s” option, where the dead politician is propped up as if he were alive and carried around by two panicky college boys, creating many opportunities for humor and hi-jinx.
2. A second plan, code named “Hannibal”, involves a junior-level Democrat wearing the skin of the deceased politician and living out the duration of his term. This technique has been in beta-testing since Dan Quayle first donned George W. Bush’s skin seven years ago.
3. “Dawn of the Living Dead Senator” is the absolute last resort. A dying Democrat is bitten by a radioactive monkey and wanders, grunting, through Capital Hill with an insatiable hunger for human flesh and pro-cannibal legislation.

While authorities are monitoring the situation, few believe that a rejuvenated Rove can be stopped. One Democratic Congressman privately admitted, “If we get through this with one or two casualties, some patchy hair loss, and a few ‘Obama bin Laden’ posters, we’ll consider ourselves lucky.”


By faktorial.com – one of the world’s top suppliers of radioactive isotopes for both commercial and recreational use.

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Remorseful ‘Kramer’ Vows to Reverse Slavery, Apartheid and Moesha

Los Angeles - After his shocking, racist tirade at a Los Angeles comedy club, Michael Richards has vowed to make things right. After awkward apologies to black leaders like Jesse Jackson, Gloria Allred, and Tiki Barber, Richards announced plans to travel back in time to “end every scourge that has ever plagued Afro-Americans including slavery, apartheid, and occasionally ashy skin.” Facing thinly-veiled threats against his wealth, like Al Sharpton wearing a suit made entirely out of Richards’s old W-2 forms, the comedian chose humanitarian time travel instead.

Shortly after finishing the last leg of his apology tour at LeVar Burton’s house, Richards boarded a small, Nintendo-built time craft called the “Woo”. Although PC Magazine complained about the Woo’s “poor user interface” and “cheap wireless controller”, Richards believed it was good enough to get him to Africa circa 1619 AD. Nintendo stepped in to build the craft after Richards was robbed of $4.7 million in cash, as he waited in line to buy Sony’s new TM3, a Blu-Ray equipped time machine.

While it is unclear what impact Richards efforts will yield, Stanford anthropologist Alice Tang believes she has discovered several etchings in Nigeria of what appear to be a gangly, white man being boiled. Sir Lernsalot, a famed British historian, found journals from English slave traders referring to a “Hipster Doofus slave dealer” living in Nigeria. One slave trader’s journal-entry read, “Wow, is this guy racist!” He later wrote, “What’s a ‘spik’?” Despite the revolutionary implications of these discoveries, neither President Oprah nor Vice President Tyra Banks could be reached for comment.

Even without conclusive evidence of Richard’s guilt-ridden efforts, many believe the country now faces a free speech crisis. Alex Tankian, a Harvard linguistics professor, warns, “Demands by black leaders to end the use of the n-word leads us down a slippery slope until the only ones left with the right to say n**ger are a bunch of racist m***er-f***ing, c**k-s**kers like the KKK or some tunnel bunny c**t you pay 50 bucks to s**t on you and call you a ‘dirty, m*****-******, c***-s***** little b****’ while she $%^^&^$&@$* you in a plastic bag.”


By faktorial.com – where we take solace in knowing we still have Elaine

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Six Dead in Rumsfeld’s First Week as Girl Scout Leader

Washington D.C. - What began as a street fair to raise money and awareness for Girl Scouts, ended in mayhem and tragedy. Six scouts died and dozens were trampled by a hostile, hungry mob. The girls had run out of cookies. Unfazed by the absence of additional vendors, Donald Rumsfeld saw no reason to postpone his inaugural event as the group’s new President. The 74-year old Rumsfeld, who was fired as Defense Secretary for making Saddam Hussein look brilliant, recently jumped at the chance to practice his innovative, tactical strategies on pliable, pre-pubescent girls.

Anne Kirkland, who attended the fair with her daughter Ashley, knew immediately something was amiss. "I’ve been to over twenty of these. You normally see the same crafts and clothing vendors and tons of food stands. You know, the big-breasted Italian sausage guy, the scruffy Middle Eastern guy with dirty fingernails juicing pineapples, and that Vietnamese couple serving brown skewers of something that could catch a Frisbee. This time, all I saw was ten girls selling cookies.”

“Just before the awning collapsed, I remember an obese woman pounding on the counter, yelling for Macaroons,” sobbed Mrs. Kirkland. “One of the girls peed in her uniform. That’s like four demerits. By the time the Mallomars ran out, the place looked like Fallujah.”

At a press conference this morning, Mr. Rumsfeld deflected criticism of the event. "I wouldn't have changed a thing. Sure, I expected to find BLT’s. My intelligence experts insisted there’d be BLT’s, KFC’s, PB&J’s, and BBQ’s, but there weren’t.” He added, “This is war, people. You go in with the cookies you have, not the cookies you want.”

Mr. Rumsfeld also outlined his plan to “reduce dependence on foreign pastries and develop a smaller, swifter force that can handle hostile snacking environments with minimal pedocide." He emphasized, “We can’t have a bunch of weak, lily-livered, cookie mongers piss and run at the first sign of anarchy, like little girls or Democrats.”

To realize his vision, Mr. Rumsfeld announced partnerships with Belarus, Kazakhstan, and Barbados, who agreed to provide moral support and five scouts each, to help stabilize the next street fair. Boris Sagdiyev, Kazakhstan’s Minister of Education noted, “We are very proud to help glorious nation of Girl Scout. We insure Lord Rumsfield that despite their mustaches, pregnant belly, and lumpy vagines, scouts from Kazakhstan is definitely girls. High five! “ Mr. Sagdiyev added, “We very much excite to teach American girl to shoot dog, pull plow, and make traditional meal of ferment gypsy livers with onion and goat testes. Great success!”

by faktorial.com – where Macaroons and goat testes coexist in peace and harmony

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Planet of the Steaks, November 2062

What began as an effort to comfort and pamper livestock before slaughter, has led to an epic battle for animal civil rights. Moolcolm X, the rebellious organizer of last week’s Million Cow Munch, a defiant grazing event in Woodstock New York, has demanded an end to all animal consumption and teat-pulling.

Seeds of the animal liberation movement were planted in late 2006 when farmers began building spas, hoof salons, and dance studios for their cows, pigs, and goats. Some chickens even received grief counseling after their eggs were taken away. At first, the programs helped guilty carnivores feel good about themselves and their $75 porterhouse. Consumers even paid hefty premiums for meat that died with comprehensive dental benefits, a 401K plan, and a shared passion for Desperate Housewives and CSI: Miami.

Difficulties surfaced around 2020, when some farm animals developed stubborn preferences. Sloppy pigs would only watch the NFL or Home Shopping Network. Lazy cows refused to be milked until they saw an entire Rachel Ray Show. Strangely, goats were mesmerized by Al Jazeera. Many would chew through their ropes and ram their horns through the TV whenever they saw Jews. Hundreds of anti-Semitic goats died this way until farmers agreed to let them wear their beards long, observe Ramadan, and wear burkas in their ID photos.

Soon farm animals began to acquire basic speech and critical thinking patterns not unlike those of Born-Again Kansasonians. In 2035, after earning his Grade Equivalency Degree, Sir Loin became England’s first non-human to be knighted since Keith Richards.

Sir Loin’s achievements inspired and emboldened animals around the world. Bovine everywhere demanded education and jobs that did not begin with their teats and end with Worcestershire sauce. Under legal pressure from PETA and the ACLU, Sir Loin became the first buffalo to compete on ‘F**king with the Stars’, a FOX reality series. (In an emotional finale, Sir Loin was soundly out-f**ked by Cody Lee-Gifford and lost.)

Animal achievements extended to all species. In 2047, Flipper Finkelstein, an Orthodox dolphin, was credited with restructuring Best Buy’s lackluster customer service division. His accomplishment was somewhat tarnished when the company took an $8B loss on electronics damaged when several stores were filled with water to accommodate new, amphibious sales reps.

Not all animals have excelled. Chickens still prefer to spend their days walking into walls and defecating on each other. Experts predict that their defiant clucks will ultimately doom humanity to a life of tofu consumption. While tofu is not generally believed to crave independence, scientists are studying the matter.

Fearing reprisals from his flock, one Nebraska farmer ruminated anonymously on the controversy, “Over thousands of years, we were hunters who won the right to eat anything we wanted. Now, we’ve squandered our evolutionary victory. I’m going to scream if I see another cockroach with a picket sign!”

Ming Tso, a Chinese farmer had a much different perspective, “We invite our most educated animals over for drinks and passionate debate. Then, we kill and eat them down to the eyeballs. Over rice.”


by faktorial.com – where there’s nothing we wouldn’t barbecue. nothing.


From the New York Times:

Meat Labels Hope to Lure the Sensitive Carnivore

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Madonna, Jolie Busted in ‘Adopted Celebrity Deathmatch’ Plot

Suspicious of the sudden outbreak of wealthy, white celebrities adopting poor children from the Third World, police set up a sting operation. Their worst fears were confirmed by Kwaze “David” Banda, a three-foot tall, Malawi detective, who posed as an adorable, muscular orphan. Banda secretly recorded a cockney-accented Madonna Ciccone, his adoptive-Diva-to-be, scheming to train Banda to battle Mia Farrow’s Third World Order (T.W.O.), the world’s deadliest band of orphans. For over a decade, Farrow’s T.W.O. has dominated the lethal and secretive ‘Adopted Celebrity Deathmatch’ tournament. Instead of lawyers, cowardly Hollywood Caucasians used orphan combat to settle scores the way gangsta rappers, strippers, and Sean Penn have done since Molly Ringwald was pretty in p...was pretty.

After a week of surveillance, LA police were led to a secluded battleground etched into the Beverly Hills backyard of Stephen Spielberg. A police helicopter spied Spielberg’s adopted children Theo and Mikaela sword fighting with Jet Li and Sammo Hung Fat. The ex-orphans were apparently training to fight Zahara Jolie Pitt, who, despite her tender age of two, has already decapitated several adopted celebrities including Al Roker’s daughter, Aureo, and several interns at Paramount. (Deathmatch rules are based on the movie Highlander, in which immortals battle for supremacy and beheading is the sole means of victory. Police found the movie’s slogan, “There Can Be Only One” tattooed above Zahara Jolie Pitt’s’s buttocks.)

On the eve of the battle, Police raided Spielberg’s home, arresting countless celebrities including Angelina Jolie, Madonna, and Nicole Ritchie's skeleton. However, Farrow and her fearsome orphans escaped. Farrow’s ex-husband Woody Allen later commented, “I hope someone finally stops her evil. I have a very low threshold of death. I grew up in Brooklyn, where nobody killed their adopted kids. They were too unhappy – to kill or to adopt. That’s why I daringly rescued Sun Yi from Mia’s Dojo of Death. Actually, I had Tony Roberts and Diane Keaton do it. Ripping out nipples and bladders is no life for a 12 year old girl. Certainly not for a Jew.” Allen elaborated on his marriage to Farrow’s adoptive daughter, “We never intended to fall in love. That only happened while we hid deep in the hills of the Upper West Side. The whole situation almost made me neurotic.”

Although he may have ended several Hollywood careers, Kwaze Banda has also suffered. The pint-sized cop – and real-life orphan, developed an attachment to Madonna, who was the only mother he had ever known. He still smiles as he recalls how she would tickle his belly while he breastfed. “I hope she reconsiders and still goes through with the adoption,” admitted the 28 year old detective. “The way I see it, I can either spend the rest of my life eating government rice and dodging AIDS, or I can spend my nights drinking Cristal and getting fellatio from supermodels at Bungalow 8. Which would you choose?“

In a related note, Brad Pitt, who was arrested in the raid, was later released for having no knowledge. Hours after his release, the disoriented Pitt was found wandering West Los Angeles looking for a script to tell him how to get home.


by faktorial.com – the last bastion of hope for surplus Asian and African orphans

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Wal-Mart to Lure Black Shoppers with Grits and Gangsta Rap

After several quarters of slowing growth, Wal-Mart has announced a revolutionary plan to revive sales. The massive retailer plans to customize its stores to better serve six types of customers: old people whose kids grew up, people with money, suburban people, rural people and blacks and Hispanics. The new strategy is based on a Wal-Mart study that surprisingly showed blacks and Hispanics, regardless of age, wealth, education, or social status all basically like, chicken, oversized jeans and "bling", but in different styles. Today's announcement was made by new company spokeswoman Maria Conchita Gonzalez Jackson X.

"Research by our consultants, Lilly, White & Cracker, showed that our black customers require delicious fried chicken, watermelon, and movies with lots of karate," Ms. Jackson X explained. "We plan to cater to those needs by creating a section of the store, especially for them."

In fact, all re-designed Wal-Mart stores will feature special Hispanic and Black sections. When concerns about segregation were raised, Ms. Jackson X was quick to point out, "This is customization, not segregation. We intend to treat all our customers equally. Each section will have its very own water fountains, bathrooms, even entertainment."

"As our black customers shop, we will soothe their senses with familiar aromas of grits and bacon. They will also hear rap music by exclusive Wal-Mart artists like Kool Moe Dee, Coolio and something Re-Run." Ms. X added, "Of course, black shoppers can also dance in the extra-wide aisles, as our research predicts they would."

By comparison, rural shoppers will hear Travis Tritt and Tammy Wynette songs as they shoot down the items they want to purchase. No details were given on how the other sections will look. However, Ms. Jackson X hinted at some surprises in store for Hispanics, "You said you liked congas or bongos and we listened."

After the press conference, the company issued a written clarification explaining that customers can indeed choose to shop "in any of the sections...at their own risk." The statement advised against such actions due to "the potential for varying crime rates in different parts of the store."

To maximize safety, Wal-Mart plans to install spiked walls that will drop from the ceiling, when necessary, to provide shoppers with instant safety and comfort. "Of course," Ms. Jackson X added, "the walls in certain parts of the store will drop faster. Our research showed that some customers have an extra bone in their ankle and can move blazingly fast. We could not independently validate that another, smaller segment can also fly."

Upon hearing the announcement, both Republican and Democratic groups were outraged. The NAACP and Jesse Jackson called for a protest against what they deemed "a racist, bigoted strategy." However, after several hours of talks, Wal-Mart agreed to hire the NAACP Chairman's nephew, contribute $40MM to both the Republican and Democratic National Committees, and contribute $100 million to Mr. Jackson's PUSH coalition. As a result, all previously planned protests will now be merged into the company's grand re-opening celebrations: "Gooberfest", "Beanerthon" and "Gangsta Shnizzle".


- by faktorial.com - where racism and bigotry suffocate under the weight of brilliant sarcasm.

On a serious note:

No, I'm not saying Wal-Mart's racist. I'm just extrapolating. What Wal-Mart says and what it does are two completely different stories. In this case, isn't it amazing that two diverse minorities are separated from the other non-racial profiles? In reality, I do hope this leads to people dependent on Wal-Mart getting more products they can actually use. Or, to me getting more material I can actually use. It's also interesting how race is used as a tool by powerful corporations, whenever it's convenient.

Wal-Mart is the only source of goods for many Americans and a powerful driver of some undesirable social change. And, don't count on politicians, self-proclaimed civil rights leaders, and others to enforce our best interests. They are all dependent on corporate $'s. They all have a price. We need to publicly fund politics and break that dependency. Or, we need more people like Bloomberg or Corzine, but there aren't too many billionaires insane enough to be in the public eye.

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Australia Orders Protection for its Last Remaining Celebrity

After the untimely death of one of Australia's greatest celebrities, Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, the country is taking no chances with its only remaining celebrity, Russell Crowe. Prime Minister John Howard immediately mobilized Australia's National Guard and Navy to defend the actor from any "aerial, aquatic, terrestrial or extra-terrestrial threats."

While Mr. Crowe was on location in Canada filming "A Beautiful Master and Gladiator Man" with Ron Howard, the Australian Navy installed a 40 mile underwater fence around the actor's oceanfront Australian estate to protect the actor from blood-thirsty stingrays, celebrity-hating jellyfish, and pointy-edged clams.

While environmentalists fear the fence will kill thousands of fish and endanger the area's ecology, the hard-nosed Australian Prime Minister exclaimed, "I would personally kill every shark in the ocean and beat every hotel employee to a bloody pulp to save Russell Crowe from even one premature wrinkle!"

Australian officials acknowledged that outfitting Mr. Crowe's Hummer with a rocket launcher and cavity-searching Samuel L. Jackson, Crowe's current co-star, only underscores the dire state of the country's entertainment industry. After Crowe, the best known Australian celebrities are a racist, peg-legged clown named Scuffles and Phil, The Incredible Mustache Boy, who is quickly approaching puberty.

To avert future crises, Australia plans to open several celebrity training camps where any semblance of talent can qualify applicants for substantial arts grants and round-the-clock security. Unfortunately, early auditions were cancelled after several hopefuls badly scorched their genitals, while others attempted "dangerous and unsanitary insertions". A disgusted government official noted, "It looked like Jackass 3 out there. I don't think real talent should require lubricant."

Despite the sudden government mobilization, most Australians simply ruminated on Mr. Irwin's passing. "There's a human side to this tragedy," said Abbey Johns, a receptionist from Sydney, Australian. "I know that to people in America, an entire nation mourning the wacky crocodile poker on channel 147 seems crazy...but here, he's on channel 2." Ms. Johns paused for a moment, " To us, Steve Irwin represented something magical. He was one of our own. A proud Aussie who made it. He lived life to the fullest. He wore shorts to work."

Mr. Irwin will be laid to rest early Wednesday morning. On Thursday, the stingray that killed him will appear on the popular Aussie reality show, "The Fish Whisperer", where Wally "Aquaman" Green will attempt to rehabilitate it. If the fish fails to accept accountability, it is tentatively booked to appear Friday on "Grillin' and Chillin' with Paul Hogan".


- by faktorial.com, the home for classic Australian comedy

Excite News

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US & Britain Ban Passengers on All Flights

Today, the Department of Homeland Security announced that until further notice, all passengers will be banned from domestic and international flights. A five week investigation led by US and British authorities uncovered that all 10 suspected terror cells planned to blow up planes using one common weapon: passengers.

In his press conference this afternoon, President Bush did not mince words, "It's clear we must stop evil-doer passengers from hurting good-doer passengers. This is difficult. We have instructated all airport personnel to separate 'passengers' from 'non-passengers'. Folks identified as non-passengers such as razor blades, shoes, iPods and liquid will be allowed to fly. Folks deemed to be passengers must be disposed of at the terminal."

John Eldridge, a senior British security official, stated that one risk remains: pilots and flight attendants. "A ban on flight crews is not completely out of the question. A suicidal pilot could endanger the lives of 436 razor blades, 211 bottles of shampoo, and 305 liters of moisturizer with one carefully placed explosive."

An anonymous security official for Israel's El-Al, widely considered the world's most secure airline, laughed at the new policy. "We just stop and search all the Arabs," he stated. "We plan to continue allowing passengers and grooming products onboard our planes."

FedEx and UPS also complained that the new policy would create unfair competition by effectively turning passenger airlines into shipping companies. In response, FedEx and UPS have decided to enter the "human transport" business, where properly packed individuals will ship for $2 to $ 4 per pound, depending on the destination.

As soon as he heard about the new service, Jack Larsen, 28, of Cleveland rushed to his local FedEx Kinko's. He hoped to ship himself to London, where his razor blades and luggage are now on vacation. As Mr. Larsen's sister packed him into his cardboard and foam-peanut cocoon, Mr. Larsen echoed the frustration of fellow travelers, "$430 to have your carry-ons fly Coach while you fly Crate is just absurd. I just hope my toiletries don't raid the hotel mini-bar before I get there."


By faktorial.com - where the truth hurts - a lot!

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US Poll Proves Earth is Flat

Earth is Flat: Poll Completely Scientific With Charts And Everything

In a poll released today, 64% of Americans believe the earth is flat. Fourteen percent believed it was very, very flat. Six percent ate the survey form. Despite centuries of globular representations of the earth, telescopic photos of other planets, and photos from the Space Shuttle clearly showing a round earth, American public opinion begs to differ.

In response to the survey results, Republican senator Bill Frist proposed a Constitutional amendment to change public school textbooks to reflect the new findings. "At the very least, I believe the flat earth theory should be taught alongside the so-called round-earth theory," proposed the senator. "However, we must never forget all those brave European explorers whose ships fell off the edge of the earth in the 1500's and 1600's. I will forever honor their sacrifices, as long as there is oxygen in my kidneys and blood surges through my lymph nodes."

In Kansas, the state best known for replacing its evolution curriculum with creationism, held a massive rally to celebrate the survey. Revelers brought thousands of globes, which were flattened under a giant steamroller. Attendees proudly waved maps and signs like "Flatt iz Beutifull", "Tich Our Childrens Well" and "Sun? What sun??".

In a related story, a Korean elementary school class was awarded first place at the World Science Forum for using dinosaur fossils to clone a T-Rex. In response to videotape of the achievement, Pat Robertson, of The Christian Coalition, denied the existence of fossils, dinosaurs and Koreans.


--> For more unadulterated, satirical brilliance, visit www.faktorial.com - always original, never bashful. Never.

Think this fake story is far fetched? See the article below from today's New York Times. Shocking...
_______________________________________________








New York Times:

Teaching of Creationism Is Endorsed in New Survey


By LAURIE GOODSTEIN
Published: August 31, 2005

In a finding that is likely to intensify the debate over what to teach students about the origins of life, a poll released yesterday found that nearly two-thirds of Americans say that creationism should be taught alongside evolution in public schools.

The poll found that 42 percent of respondents held strict creationist views, agreeing that "living things have existed in their present form since the beginning of time."

In contrast, 48 percent said they believed that humans had evolved over time. But of those, 18 percent said that evolution was "guided by a supreme being," and 26 percent said that evolution occurred through natural selection. In all, 64 percent said they were open to the idea of teaching creationism in addition to evolution, while 38 percent favored replacing evolution with creationism.

The poll was conducted July 7-17 by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life and the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press. The questions about evolution were asked of 2,000 people. The margin of error was 2.5 percentage points.

John C. Green, a senior fellow at the Pew Forum, said he was surprised to see that teaching both evolution and creationism was favored not only by conservative Christians, but also by majorities of secular respondents, liberal Democrats and those who accept the theory of natural selection. Mr. Green called it a reflection of "American pragmatism."

"It's like they're saying, 'Some people see it this way, some see it that way, so just teach it all and let the kids figure it out.' It seems like a nice compromise, but it infuriates both the creationists and the scientists," said Mr. Green, who is also a professor at the University of Akron in Ohio.

Eugenie C. Scott, the director of the National Center for Science Education and a prominent defender of evolution, said the findings were not surprising because "Americans react very positively to the fairness or equal time kind of argument."

"In fact, it's the strongest thing that creationists have got going for them because their science is dismal," Ms. Scott said. "But they do have American culture on their side."

This year, the National Center for Science Education has tracked 70 new controversies over evolution in 26 states, some in school districts, others in the state legislatures.

President Bush joined the debate on Aug. 2, telling reporters that both evolution and the theory of intelligent design should be taught in schools "so people can understand what the debate is about."

Senator Bill Frist of Tennessee, the Republican leader, took the same position a few weeks later.

Intelligent design, a descendant of creationism, is the belief that life is so intricate that only a supreme being could have designed it.

The poll showed 41 percent of respondents wanted parents to have the primary say over how evolution is taught, compared with 28 percent who said teachers and scientists should decide and 21 percent who said school boards should. Asked whether they believed creationism should be taught instead of evolution, 38 percent were in favor, and 49 percent were opposed.

More of those who believe in creationism said they were "very certain" of their views (63 percent), compared with those who believe in evolution (32 percent).

The poll also asked about religion and politics, government financing of religious charities, and gay men and lesbians in the military. Most of these questions were asked of a smaller pool of 1,000 respondents, and the margin of error was 2.5 percentage points, Pew researchers said.

The public's impression of the Democratic Party has changed in the last year, the survey found. Only 29 percent of respondents said they viewed Democrats as being "friendly toward religion," down from 40 percent in August of 2004. Meanwhile, 55 percent said the Republican Party was friendly toward religion.

Luis E. Lugo, the director of the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life, said: "I think this is a continuation of the Republican Party's very successful use of the values issue in the 2004 election, and the Democrats not being able up until now to answer that successfully. Some of the more visible leaders, such as Howard Dean and others, have reinforced that image of a secular party. Of course, if you look at the Democratic Party, there's a large religious constituency there."

Survey respondents agreed in nearly equal numbers that nonreligious liberals had "too much control" over the Democratic Party (44 percent), and that religious conservatives had too much control over the Republican Party (45 percent).

On religion-based charities, two-thirds of respondents favored allowing churches and houses of worship to apply for government financing to provide social services. But support for such financing declined from 75 percent in early 2001, when Mr. Bush rolled out his religion-based initiative.

On gay men and lesbians in the military, 58 percent of those polled said they should be allowed to serve openly, a modest increase from 1994, when 52 percent agreed. Strong opposition has fallen in that time, to 15 percent from 26 percent in 1994.

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Cheney Develops Taste for Blood, Hunts Down Dissenters

Witnesses report that Wednesday morning, Vice President Dick Cheney unleashed a flurry of gunfire after a hearty breakfast at the White House. He reportedly yelled, “You all look like filthy, liberal quail to me!!! AARRRGGGHHHH!!” White House aides admit that since shooting one of his hunting buddies in the face, the Vice President has developed a taste for blood.

An anonymous source at the CIA revealed that Mr. Cheney, who avoided the Vietnam draft due to acid reflux, has been in secret military training for the last three years. Mr. Cheney is suspected to be the administration’s secret weapon to silence a rising chorus of opposition to domestic spying, the war in Iraq, and the mysterious disappearance of brown M&M’s.

To prove he means business, Mr. Cheney plans to execute his lesbian daughter on FOX News. Calls to FOX were not immediately returned, but a spokesman for Mr. Cheney revealed that following the execution, the Vice President will announce plans to “take out an undisclosed Hollywood Jew and anyone driving a Prius hybrid.”
Surprisingly, Democratic Senate leader Harry Reid directed his criticism of the administration’s tactics. “FOX News, once again, is proving that it is partisan. In a concession of equal time, FOX offered to air Hillary Clinton's killing the Democrats' chances of winning the presidency.

-visit the newly re-modeled faktorial.com for the last word on what shoes go best with a burka

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Corrupt African Tyrants Honor Bono, Geldof

This week, dozens of African tyrants gathered to honor rock star Bono of U2 and friend of rock stars, Bob Geldof for organizing the global “Live 8” concert and raising billions for poor African countries. The flamboyant three day ceremony was held at the gold-plated palace of Zaire’s Supreme Ruler and Diety, Mbutu Fukuutu.

On opening night, fireworks kicked off an evening of passionate speeches and elaborate dance numbers. In a rousing oratory, Tukku Mmune, military despot of Congo, tearfully thanked Bono and Geldof. “With this extra money, we can now execute 400 nomads a week, up from only 200 last month!” Wiping a tear, he continued, “We can then beat the remaining tribes with high-grade wood sticks made from UN aid boxes. All because of you, Geldof…and the one with the funny glasses!” toasted the emotional Mmune.

Kuke Krukke, ruler of Zimbabwe, best known for hatcheting 700,000 Zulus, offered Geldof and Bono a tribal skull cap - made of actual Zulu skulls. “I honor you with the fruits of my life’s work. May your bones find their purpose long after they have been severed!” exulted Mr. Krukke as he raised his glass to toast the somewhat uncomfortable guests of honor.

At the second night’s dinner, Ugrubbe one of the bejeweled revelers joked, “Stupid Pink Floyd reunited with Roger Waters all for us!!!” Nigeria’s ruler suggested he will name his new tanks “The Waters Brigade”, which he will use to crush human rights protesters because the sound reminds him of “bubble wrap”. Neither Waters nor Pink Floyd could attend the ceremony due to a previously scheduled performance to benefit Pfizer, the ailing drug maker.

On the final night of the event, all guests received free gift bags containing diamond earrings, an iPod Nano pre-loaded with the sounds of Zulus being slaughtered, and gold plated bones of several unidentified African opposition leaders. “I got a femur,” bragged Zutubu Mbruk, son of Congo’s Minister of War. “I have a pinky,” waved Summ Dummi, Crown Prince of Sudan. After dinner, the royal offspring competed to see who would be first to piece together and identify their unlucky bone donor.

---by faktorial.com where brilliant satire fights hunger, stupidity and gingivitis.

http://www.azstarnet.com/news/122807

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Bounty paper Towels Down to One Sheet Per Roll

Dennis Tildon went into his local ShopRite supermarket this evening to buy some last minute groceries. When he got to the paper products aisle, he reached for his favorite paper towel, Bounty. He noticed the roll seemed surprisingly light. After studying the label for forty minutes and converting the Martian centimetric cubic units to inches, he realized the roll only contained one paper towel.

"I clearly remember buying this same exact product last month and it had like 80 sheets for one dollar," said Mr. Tildon. "It's still only a buck, but there's only one f**king towel!" Mr. Swinson then did a quick inventory of his shopping cart. He discovered his Green Giant corn now contains only "corn-flavored water", his $2.19 bag of Doritos was only 28 grams and his batteries weren't included.

Fred Howard, Vice President of paper Products at Proctor and Gamble, the maker of Bounty explained, "We have a strict policy of not raising prices to our valued customers. We have done everything we can to keep retail prices low." Mr. Howard gestured colorfully with his hands as he spoke glowingly of his newest product, Charmin Ultra Natural, the new micron-thin two-play paper, which is now only two inches wide. "Narrower than the iPod Nano!" he exclaimed, as he stroked his well-manicured beard with his chocolatey-brown fingertips.

This trend is surfacing across all product categories. Even web space providers are limiting the amount of free storag

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Head of White People Admits to Staging Hurricane

White Hurricane Targets Blacks

Delays helping the poor, black population of disaster-stricken New Orleans have led to suspicions that whites purposely staged the disaster to eliminate blacks. Today, those suspicions were validated when Colonel John Sanders, the Head of White People (a.k.a. "The Man"), admitted to the nefarious plot.

“To be honest with you, we didn’t think it would work. We had scientists working round the clock to come up with something. Then, lo and behold, there it was!” Mr. Sanders revealed at his press conference from his new home in Baton Rouge. “We must have gotten up at around three A.M., lined up in a row and just started blowing as hard as we could. Who knew, several hundred thousand white people blowing can create that kind of wind? It’s really a tribute to the will and strength of the human spirit.”

As relief efforts stalled and desperate cries for help were ignored by the Republican administration, many Southern whites expressed great optimism. Previous efforts by whites such as menthol cigarettes, carcinogen-laced fried chicken, AIDS, crack and malt liquor have largely failed to eliminate blacks.

When a reporter asked if he felt bad about all the hungry, desperate, black people who could not escape the disaster because they did not own cars, Mr. Sanders paused then replied, “I admire their undying commitment to public transportation and energy conservation.”

When New Orleans is rebuilt, the whites plan to fill all service jobs previously held by blacks with Mexicans. Details on the plan were not available, but Mr. Sanders expressed concern that “Mexicans are much better swimmers” and could present a bigger problem should the plan need to be aborted.

The Head of Blacks, Al Sharpton, was not immediately available for comment.

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Crack Whores Running Late for International Conference; Pimps Demand Equal Rights

Crack Whore Community in Turmoil

Las Vegas - This week’s International Crack Whore Caucus (ICWC), originally scheduled to start on Monday, is now four days behind schedule. Almost 300 of the 500 delegate crack whores are no-shows, including Misty and Bunny, the keynote speakers. Since 1995, when its inaugural 1993 conference was held, the ICWC has sought to communicate best-practices, define new processes and identify unrealized synergies. To date, the ICWC’s greatest accomplishments include raising $574 to dedicate a new crack wing at Highpoint Projects in downtown Detroit and successfully recovering Trixie Trump’s gold tooth after a small disagreement with her pimp following her keynote speech at the 1999 conference.

This week’s conference was to focus on a seemingly ill-conceived plan to replace drug dealers and pimps with a self-managed consortium. The consortium would negotiate prices directly with producers, handle distribution, and organize protection (the one with guns). It is unclear whether this lofty objective will be achieved.

Fluffy, a 40-ish, rail-thin, African American woman with a crooked blonde wig was infuriated by the delay. “I got muthaf--king biznet to conduct. Where deze bitches at? I slap the sh-t outta them muthaf--king, spunk covered, braid-wearing, ho’s.” It was unclear exactly to whom Ms. Fluffy was referring.

Genie, delegate from the Holland Tunnel in New Jersey, was taking matters into her own hands. To pay for the extra nights at the Bellaggio, where the convention was being held, Genie, a thin attractive Caucasian woman with a black eye, decided to provide oral services to hotel staff and guests. After 31 sessions, she has collected $147. “I gotta work on my negoti…negotia…ne…I gotta charge more money,” she admitted. As we were talking, she spotted a target, “Hey you kinda cute! How ‘bout a quickie?” she offered. As the man accelerated past her, Genie took off after him, stumbled and fell into the fountain in the lobby. Soaked, she continued to yell, “I’m gonna f--k every single one of you!” She continued screaming and lunging towards the crotches of three security guards as they dragged her away.

Pimps will not be disintermediated without a fight. They are holding their own convention across the street in the New York, New York Hotel. Don “The Magic” Juan, a three-time ‘Playa of the Year’ and two-time ‘Bitch Slappa’ nominee, is hosting the event. Mr. Juan, speaking for the “entire pimp community”, simply said, “the is some disobedi, disobee, dis…f--k, dem bitchis is in fo’ a smack-down.” It is likely several other pimps echoed Mr. Juan’s comments, but most were deemed too incoherent for quotation.

As always, what is lost in all the controversy is the customer. A number of ‘johns’ seemed disillusioned. After receiving some halfhearted servicing, one john simply said, “I remember the good old days when it was all about the service…and maybe the crack. It was never about politics. I get enough of that at home. I didn’t tint the windows of my car and park under the Golden Gate Bridge to hear a lecture on crack procurement. I want a blo-j-b. Thanks, Jack Welch!”


--Visit http://www.faktorial.com for more satire gone horribly, horribly wrong. Always original. Always brilliant. Never humble. Never!

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Johnny Carson Excavated, Back on Life Support; Hospitals Fill Up With Vegetables

Despite being dead for over two months, doctors have excavated Johnny Carson and attached him to life support. Stricken by fear of a Republican crackdown on the medical industry after the Terri Schiavo case, doctors are taking no chances. Medical professionals have been spotted in cemeteries across the country digging furiously. It is rumored that Richard Nixon, Marilyn Monroe and Tara Reid have all been dug up and hooked up to life support.

Many are borderline cases. For example, medical experts remain unsure if former actor Judd Nelson, who has recently been placed on life support, is himself dead or if it is his career that passed on. Unsure of how to resuscitate his career, doctors feel they have a far better chance if Mr. Nelson is indeed dead.

“I can’t believe it has come to this,” noted a prominent New York physician, on the condition of anonymity. “We ran out of outlets. There’s no way we can keep all these people plugged in forever.”

Living patients are growing furious, as well. “My mother was scheduled for a lung transplant today, but they just told us her doctor is out digging up Mickey Mantle. It’s outrageous! These people are f--king dead! Let it be.”

As hospitals fill up with the dead and near-dead, cities across America resemble a Bangladeshi airport. The crippled and infirmed wander the streets aimlessly with untreated head wounds, broken limbs and contagious diseases. Conversely, hospitals are eerily quiet, apart from occasional flickering lights and a mad tangle of extension cords and feeding tubes. Once in a while, a vegetative patient blinks, spurring the hopes and dreams of a nearby Republican.

After successfully castrating the entertainment industry over Janet Jackson’s floppy boob, Conservatives have set their sights on the medical profession. Today alone, two senators and Jesse Jackson had to be surgically separated from Terri Schiavo’s leg. To date, Ms. Schiavo has inspired Congressional debates, presidential intervention and a Nyquil endorsement.

While legislators made their case to keep Ms. Schiavo alive, 857 people died due to lack of health insurance, 46 US soldiers were killed in Iraq by guns bought with US oil money and 59 prisoners were sentenced to death by Republican judges.

While it is unlikely that Ms. Schiavo will ever recover, there is great hope that if she does, she will flash her nipples at next Super Bowl. The American Dream never dies. Never.

---Visit www.faktorial.com for more wit and satire gone horribly, horrible wrong.



New York Daily News - Home - Jesse joins Terri fight

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Vinny "The Toe" Cortelli to Host 3rd Annual Golden Guido Awards

Not to be outdone by all the Oscars hooplah, the Academy of Construction Arts (ACA) just announced the host of the 2005 Golden Guido Awards. Vinny "The Toe" Cortelli, best known for his innovations in "toe discipline" in the fields of construction and waste management, will host the festivities. The show, in its third year, pays tribute to people in "real jobs" like construction, laundry, restaurant and club management, and garbage collection.

"It's about f-ckn' time," said Pudgy "da Fish" Tucci, a close associate of Mr. Cortelli. "Acting? It's a pile of sh-t. I wanna see Hilary Swank get a 500% return on a friggin' laundromat on Flatbush Avenue."

Mr. Cortelli, or "The Toe" as his friends call him, echoed those sympathies, "I seen guys hit in da head with hot rivets. Where is their trophy? I've seen a couple of guys accidentally fall down two, tree flights of stairs and still show up for work at seven da next day. I'd be proud to hand dat man a Golden Guido, no matta how many broken fingas he's got."

Last year's big winner, Poochie, walked away with three Golden Guidos including "Fastest Trunk Disinfection" and the coveted "Most Mortified Shopkeeper" awards. The show will air on FOX this Sunday at 9PM before a special episode of Cops, filmed after the awards ceremony.


Excite News

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KKK Warns: White People Must 'Start Banging'

Fresh from the Laundromat, the Great Grand Cleagle Poobah of the KKK, wearing sparkling new 250 thread count linens, warned white people that they “must start banging.”

The Cleagle Head Muckedy Muck explained that traditionally white countries such as France, the US, and Disneyworld are in danger of being overrun by “Sp-cs, K--ns, K-kes, and Naaaayyyyggrrs.” He explained, “Them people is breedin’ like bunnies. And, if we ain’t prepared to sterilize ‘em, we got to get to work.”

He suggested non-stop sex “’till the job is done.” Kingfish Poobah Cleagle explained that according to KKK math, each white couple must have 32 children to compensate for the high birth rates of minorities. “We are in a state of emergency. That means if it takes a Barry White record to get white people in the mood, we are prepared to look the other way,” resolved Mr, KKKleagle. He continued, “We will draw the line at Usher and the brown naked one with the Band-Aid…or is it Cool Aid?” The room full of stunned reporters stood silent as Chief Rakkkoon laughed himself silly, slapping his right knee repeatedly.

When he regained composure, the Kooky Krusader admitted that his previous ‘If It’s Real Brown, Put It Down’ campaign has been a colossal failure. He blamed “bad PR” and a lack of funds to promote genocide properly. “Do you know an ad in Maxim costs like $3,000?!” he added.

The Rambunctious Racist then raised the stakes with a challenge, “I'll personally bang each and every white woman I can, don't care how hideous. If she’s got one tooth and a wet spot, that’s good enough for me. And it should be for you!” He concluded with a slightly modified version of the traditional KKK battle cry, “Lube up, white people!”

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87 Year Old Showgirl Spends Entire Show Trying to Get Up

To the shock and amazement of anyone who has ever had an erection, the New York Times has exposed a revolting conspiracy to sexualize senior citizens. The most outrageous trend is the growing popularity of musicals featuring "showgirls" well into their seventies and eighties. With no less than seven senior citizens in its scantily clad ensemble, "Palm Springs Follies" is by far the most egregious offender. In fact, authorities have begun an aggressive crackdown of clubs featuring these decrepit dancers.

“The sight of all that sagging flesh and wrinkled hooters packed into tight bustiers is just too much for most people to bear,” explained Sergeant Donald Ober of the Palm Springs Septuagenarian Crackdown Unit (SCU). According to Mr. Ober, the crackdown began with a series of reports of vomiting, seizures and near-heart attacks at theaters throughout the Florida region. "When three ambulances are double parked outside of a theater for every performance and five for the encore, we know something was wrong," observed Mr. Ober.

One hospitalized patron, who insisted on anonymity, explained, "I guess I wasn't really ready to see someone that old in a thong. If you ride the bus for half price, you just shouldn't be in a pointy bra and a thong. Ever."

Audiences are not the only ones suffering. Since July, 46 dancers are dead and 32 have broken hips. Countless others have suffered bruises, heart palpitations and short-term memory loss. Three dancers have been reported missing after mysteriously wandering off stage mid-performance. Despite mounting casualties, attendance is at an all-time high. Even the occasional burst of incontinence by some of the older dancers has only managed to clear a row or two.

Despite all the controversy, new shows featuring older dancers are opening weekly. Some seem to be taunting authorities with provocative titles like, "We Dance, We Die", "The Ben-Gaysha" and "Wrinkles on Ice".

Authorities believe there may be a more subversive conspiracy behind the sudden popularity of geriatric showgirls. "We are investigating reports that husbands are trying to get rid of their wives by encouraging them to try out for the show," explained Sergeant Ober. Last night, police detained two glitter-covered eighty year old gentlemen. The men came out of one of the new area strip clubs carrying suspicious quantities of one dollar bills and Viagra.

by faktorial.com - the #2 source for satire and geriatric porn

New York Times article link:

The New York Times > Fashion & Style > So Very Alive and Kicking

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Pretty Girls Don't Tsunami

Joining the ranks of other beautiful women who don't have to wait for cabs, carry their own baggage or meet people who aren't "really nice", supermodel Petra Nemcova just survived the Asian Tsunami that swept away over 25,000 others including her own boyfriend. Luckily, after the death and destruction was all over, Petra met a really nice rescue worker with "great pecks" whom she'll be dating until she realizes he can't get her into Nobu.

Shortly after the heart-wrenching incident, Petra was re-united with her considerably uglier, secretly jealous friends for a night of disco dancing to help get over the horror and tragedy.

Stepping over hundreds of bodies on their way to the club, Blanka Bouvier, also a model and friend of Petra, noted, "If they want people to have a good time, they should really clean this place up."

After a night of clubbing, the girls, annoyed that the local pizza place was closed, threw a tantrum, scored some coke and had meaningles sex with Leonardo DiCaprio, who also miraculously survived the disaster.

by faktorial.com

Link to Daily News Story:

New York Daily News - Home - N.Y. supermodel held on for dear life for 8 hours in raging surf

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Black Man Visits Australia; Nation in Turmoil

Australia, a peaceful country known for it's warm climate, beautiful beaches and majestic wildlife, is bustling over Nathan Jones, a Certified Public Accountant, who happens to be black. Mr. Jones, his wife Noreen and their daughter Janna also happen to be the first blacks to ever visit the shores of Australia. Their appearance at Sydney airport resulted in numerous, frantic calls to airport security and a number of premature store closings.

Mr. Jones, who chose the long trip after a co-worker raved about his vacation in Australia, is amazed at all the commotion. "I'm originally from Atlanta, so I've been to stores in the States where salespeople would follow you around thinking you might steal something. In Sydney, the entire sales staff of Woolworth's followed me into the dressing room. I gotta admit, it was a little creepy. When the security guard asked me to leave a deposit to try on shorts, I'd had enough," said Mr. Jones. "It took me 10 minutes to storm out of there because of the huge crowd."

Noreen Jones, like her husband, is amused by all the attention. "They're really nice people. They just don't always say the right things. When we checked into the Marriott, the clerk kept asking if there are are any more like us coming." Mrs. Jones continued, "It's been fun exploring all the differences in our two cultures. I've never seen so many white people working in a McDonald's. I must have watched them for 45 minutes before the novelty wore off."

While the Jones family is enjoying its visit, the Australian military and immigration officials are bracing the country for a possible onslaught of minority visitors and immigrants. General Arthur Harbaugh of the immigration authority highlighted some of the early preparations. "First, I think we're going to learn to dance. We are, after all, of English descent - very, very white. We're also adding more teachers fluent in hip-hop lingo, so that our cultures can truly communicate." Mr. Harbaugh chuckled, "are you down wit dat?"

Still the country has a long way to go before it's citizens are sensitized to the needs of black visitors. Mr. Jones recalls coming out of a men's room during a dinner with an Australian host. As Mr. Jones sat down, his host turned to him and said, "you were in there a while. Did you take the Cosby Kids out for a swim?" Mr. Jones just smiled. "He just didn't know any better," said Mr. Jones. "No hard feelings."

Another group is troubled by all the commotion. Aboriginals, a tiny minority in Australia, fear losing their unique status. "We thought we were special, but seeing how easily we can be forgotten when a newer, hipper minority shows up, has really made us reflect," said David Foster, a member of the Aboriginal Rights Council. He conceded, "we're just going to have to dance harder, throw our boomerangs farther and if all else fails, challenge our black friends to a winner-take-all Fear Factor."


by faktorial.com - where where the humour is as infectious as ebola


BBC NEWS | Asia-Pacific | Australia's new 'black pride'

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'Cheers' Star Shelley Long Attempts Suicide; Kirstie Alley Eats Ted Danson

Former sitcom star Shelley Long, 55, attempted to overdose on pain killers. She has long been suffering from Suzanne Summersitis, an acute form of depression common to aging female sitcom stars who leave a hit TV show too early. The disease is at its deadliest around September through December coinciding with the start of a new TV season, which will undoubtedly not contain performances by any of the afflicted actors.

Ms. Long was checked into the Ally Sheedy wing of UCLA Medical Center where Corey Haim, Anthony Michael Hall and C. Thomas Howell are currently housed. She will receive care from highly experienced physicians who know how to make former celebrities feel at home.


In an unrelated story, Kirsty Alley, the behemoth actress who replaced long on Cheers has eaten her former co-star Ted Danson. Alley was guest-starring on some CBS sitcom apparently starring Mr. Danson. When the lunch caterers got delayed in traffic, Ms. Alley went on an eating rampage. Several assistants and one cameraman are also suspected devoured. An investigation is ongoing.

An unidentified officer at the scene was quoted as saying, "It was rather gruesome. By the time we got there, she was so exhausted and full, she had collapsed on the floor of her dressing room. She was still clutching somebody's bloody finger, which she was must have been using as either a toothpick or an emergency snack. We won't know the whole story until the forklift delivers her to, or near, a police station for questioning."

The LAPD would also like the public to know that both Norm and the mailman guy from Cheers are fine.



New York Post: Shelley Long Suicide Attempt

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Eminem Granted Permission to Use the 'N-Word'; Rapper Layoffs Expected

In an unprecendented move, the NAACP, ACLU, BET, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and the Wu-Tang Clan have all signed a petition to allow white rapper Eminem to use the N-word. While black rappers have freely used the word in both its '-a' and '-er' forms, white rappers have had to hire black rappers to use the word on their albums. Many felt that this has severely damaged white rappers' ability to get "street-cred" in the black community.

Ripples of this historic event are being felt throughout the music community. Neither Jay-Z nor fellow-rapper/producer Kanye West had heard the news when they were greeted by a beaming Eminem backstage at the American Music Awards. Mr. West recalls, "Em came up to me, shook my hand and was like 'Wassup Ni---a!', so I punched him in the head and kicked him in the balls."

"Damn, Kanye knock him out cold!" remembered Jay-Z. "I thought he dead." Apparently, once Eminem regained consciousness, he pulled out his "Honorary N----" certificate. "That's when I punched him," smiled Jay-Z. "I thought he be playin' a bad joke." While Eminem was out a second time, Jay-Z reviewed the document and realized it was authentic. "I was like, 'damn, I guess he is an 'honorary n----!' It still don't feel right, but if anyone deserve it, it's Em. I guess I'll have to get used to it and stop beating his cracker ass."

"A lot of white rappers have come and gone - Vanilla Ice, Marky Mark, and several other douchebags Suge Night got hanging off his balcony. Eminem is the only one to have real staying power. Not to mention, phat beats, mad-pimpin' rhymes, and mink seat covers on his Escalade," said Brian Williams, associate editor of GQ (Gangsta Quarterly) Magazine, which sponsored the petition. "Unlike other whites, with lilly-white lives, Eminem is almost completely surrounded by black people. That has to count for something."

Activist and former presidential candidate Al Sharpton agrees, "I always hear white people make borderline racist comments and immediately try to cover up by saying, 'I have a lot of black friends'. Well, I think we finally found the one white guy who got all the black friends. I'd be proud to call him my honorary brotha from another mother, if I knew it would get me on TV."

Some in the rap community have not been as gracious. Several African American rappers, who asked to remain nameless, suspected their cameos on Eminem albums are about to dry up. One concerned rapper noted, "Now that he a n-----, there ain't no stopping him. He don't need us no more." The rapper also fired a sobering warning shot, "Now, if I hear one damn rumor about how big is his c--- is, I'm gonna pop a cap in that motherf-----."

Only time will tell if Eminem can truly use the N-word, and his c--k, wisely.

by faktorial.com - where we always use our c--ks with extreme caution



RollingStone.com: News - Eminem - The Serious Side of Eminem

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Kerry Concedes; Bush Promises "Four More Wars"

Even John Kerry could not escape the obvious, he has wasted two years of his life. In a depressing concession speech, Kerry seemed resigned to the fact that that he will spend the next four years looking like Frankenstein and having sex with his heinously unattractive, but rich wife. In retrospect, Mr. Kerry admitted that had he known the outcome in advance, he would rather have spent that time changing his mind on a number of issues. He also expressed hope that President Bush will spend the next four years uniting a divided country.

Shortly after Mr. Kerry's speech, President Bush appeared to be up for the challenge of uniting the country. He plans to spend the next four years promoting creationism, pushing aborted babies back in, and hunting down "Waldo, Osama or Ayatollah something or other". Most importantly, the President promised to keep terrorists off our soil. To do so, he unveiled his plan to attack at least four more countries. Acknowledging the countries current shortage of ground troops, Mr. Bush promised to get "nucular on their asses", as Jesus told him just the other day.

No details were available as to which countries were next to be attacked; however, Donald Rumsfeld was seen at a local International House of Pancakes intently studying maps of Iran, Puerto Rico and Michael Moore.

by faktorial.com - where "concede" is not in our vocabulary; neither are "plethora", "pheromone", nor "hippopotamus".

New York Daily News - Politics - Source: Kerry concedes; Bush wins second term

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Army Readies First Downs Syndrome Battalion as Non-Retarded Recruitment Slows

As instability in Iraq escalates, the US military is experiencing slow recruitment. Even existing soldiers are unusually sluggish in showing up for duty. Some have spent all their time off at fast food chains like Wendy's and Taco Bell hoping to put on enough weight to be deemed unfit for duty. Others have begun taking hormones and showing up with breasts, hoping to re-take basic training as girls or menopausal women.

In response to a recent Gallup poll that showed most young Americans have a strong aversion to dying in combat, the military has turned to a previously untapped source of military might - retards. According to Gallup, individuals with Downs Syndrome have overwhelmingly not heard of Iraq, terrorism or the letter 'Q'. "The military saw an opportunity and siezed it," said Jim Ingersol, Director of Research at Gallup. "In some ways, they may be the perfect soldier, except for the drooling, perhaps."

The military has kept this strategy secret for quite some time. However, rumors of problems began to swirl. "Apparently, [the retarded recruits] kept firing on each other during training," said one Army official on the condition of anonymity. "Occasionally, the recruits would eat all their rations in one sitting, fall asleep during barbed wire crawling exercises, and create small fires while attempting to barbecue their uniforms indoors."

Unofficially, the army is optimistic that they have finally found a formula for success. Each new "Special Soldier" now receives a coat hanger to stay focused. New uniforms and equipment are now coated in Velcro so retarded soldiers can attach themselves to each other, in case they get scared in the dark. The army has not yet disclosed the nature of its recent purchase of four tons of chocolate licorice and seven thousand bunny costumes.

by faktorial.com - where the retarded write, not fight


The New York Times > Washington > Its Recruitment Goals Pressing, the Army Will Ease Some Standards

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Dan Rather Beheaded By Pro-Bush Militants

Dan Rather. the legendary CBS News anchor and reporter was beheaded today by a militant faction of the US Government called "the FBI." Rather, who two days earlier was kidnapped from CBS world headquarters in New York, was believed to be targeted by the Bush administration for his report on how patronage helped George W. Bush avoid military service during the Vietnam War. Although the report proved to be false, several members affiliated with the Don Rumsfeld Brigade swore vengeance on Rather and CBS.

A grainy video tape was posted on www.bushordie.net that appeared to show the CBS journalist kneeling before the camera pleading for exclusive rights to air his own beheading on the CBS Evening News, which could desperately use a ratings boost. The assailants, wearing OJ Simpson masks, ignored Rather's pleas and violently beheaded him with what appeared to be a monogrammed sheath. Upon closer examination, experts believe the initials to be "D.C." Some believe this to be the work of Dick Cheney, who is widely acknowledged as George Bush's second in command and the most brutal of the US militants. Further observation of the tape supports this claim as the executioner appeared to breathe heavily under his OJ mask and paused frequently during the beheading to catch his breath, take asthma medication, and have his pulse rate checked by one of the other OJ's.

In a press conference held today, that conspicuously excluded any CBS reporters, President Bush said "We will stop at nothing to find and erradiculate these evildoers!" It is widely believed that the President was not referring to the murderous militants, but to the employees of CBS, their immediate families and the producers of "CSI: Poconos".

In what appeared to be a series of related incidents, CBS journalist Connie Chung was severely beaten by a group of elderly Christian women visiting New York from Alabama and '60 Minutes' commentators Andy Rooney and Morley Safer were rushed to the hospital preemptively in anticipation of even the slightest tussle, each is believed to be 114 years old. In response to these tragic events, '60 Minutes' creator Don Hewitt was quoted as saying, "Mmmmmm...mmmmnnnmm," as his mouth was covered with a chloroform-soaked rag and he was dragged by heavily armed militiamen into a navy blue van with government-issued license plates.

by faktorial.com - where we only behead as a last resort

New York Daily News - Politics - Dan's darkest day

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4 of 7 Reality Show Contestants Have Eaten Some Sort of Testicle; 2 of 7 'Kinda Liked It'

With the meteoric rise of reality television fueled by its low development costs and occasional, if short-lived, home-runs, there is also a price to be paid. Apparently, that price is being paid in testicles. The Association of Bovine, Livestock & Testicles (ABLT) reported that shipments of testicles, innards, gizzards and other unidentifiable organs previously used only in hot dogs have doubled over the past 18 months. According to ABLT, that increase is almost completely attributable to reality TV.

Rob Burnett, creator of reality stalwart Survivor, recalls the genesis of the trend, "On Survivor we had some wacky food competitions, but the trend probably took off with Fear Factor. Rumor is that an early episode had each contestant eat one of their immediate relatives. NBC just couldn't get that one past the censors. After that, the industry shied away from cannibalism and moved towards more TV-friendly livestock and insects."

Even established shows are discovering the magic of testicles. A recent Road Rules episode featured a group of 20-somethings eating a buffet of random animal parts. One contestant even had to devour the leftovers in under five minutes. "That was really gross, but I was on TV, Dude!" claimed Dave Robertson, the designated leftover eater. "I'd never even thought of trying testicles before. They weren't so bad. Better to have them poorly cooked than while they're still attached. I'll leave that to Jenna Jameson."

Reportedly, the testicle loading docks in Denver are preparing for a highly anticipated new reality show that promises to test the Testicle industry like no other. "Ballbuster" will be a hybrid of Judge Judy and Fear Factor where feuding spouses will plead their cases to an impartial celebrity judge. The loser must eat a pound of animal testicles. If he or she cannot, the losing contestant would have to survive 10 minutes in a cage with the animal(s) from which the parts were removed. NBC, the network developing the show, is expecting big ratings. Promotions featuring a variety of extremely angry animals were prominently featured during the Olympics.




Entertainmentopia \\ Features \\ Really Hating Reality TV

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Ugly, Smelly, Beatnik Protesters Hand Bush Certain Victory

In a surprising turn of events, President Bush took a commanding 11 point lead in polls immediately following the Republican convention. In a race that has shown a virtual dead heat, the 11 point lead shocked the Kerry campaign. One campaign official acknowledged, "I just don't understand what could have happened."

To Randy Weaver of Pennsylvania, a key 'battleground state', the answer was clear. "When I saw all those nasty, dirty people lined up in the street, I just didn't feel I had anything in common with them." Weaver, who claims he was "on the fence" as to which way he would vote said that the protesters helped him make up his mind. "Many of them had dirt under their fingernails, or were really bitter and angry. Others had AIDS. I just couldn't relate. I could have been watching Martians."

These sentiments echoed throughout other key states. Several Ohio residents suffered convulsions and were hospitalized, Many claimed they could almost "smell the filth" through their TV's.

When posed the question of whether they regretted their strategy, several protesters seemed apologetic. "I should have dressed better," lamented Anthony Jackson. "I didn't think it was a big deal. I wore some old jean shorts and a tie-dye shirt. What was I thinking? And, I did look pretty angry when they caught me screaming on Channel 7 news. Now, we've got four more years of Bush to look forward to. I'm so sorry."

Kerry campaign officials have opened a new office in Boca Raton, Florida to handle protester apologies. Mr. Kerry did not seem phased by recent developments. At a recent speech he was hear muttering, "I didn't really think I would win. You can only go so far on the fumes of a Vietnam War record and being way taller than the other guy." Campaign officials had no comment on these statements or the rumor that Kerry has already booked a ski vacation for the first week of November.

by faktorial.com - where even the thought of bathing feels vaguely unpatriotic

Yahoo! News - Top Stories Photos - Reuters

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US Basketball Team Surrenders Bling; Blames Ho's, Usher

In a surprising announcement, Allen Iverson confessed that he and his teammates no longer have a shot at Olympic gold. Apparently, competing teams hired "thousands of ho's" to visit NBA players' rooms and drain them of their powers.

"It got so bad at one point, I couldn't lift the TV remote," said Tim Duncan, who only played 19 minutes in a loss against Argentina. When he did play, he limped heavily and could barely guard Roberto Santos, or "Blanco Gigante", considered the biggest, whitest man to ever play in Argentina. At the time, the nature of Duncan's injury was undisclosed, but an AP reporter saw a trainer applying a massive ice pack to the NBA MVP's lower torso.

According to the US Olympics Committee, competing teams have been nursing the strategy for almost two years. Some countries even held underground training camps to ensure only the fittest girls made the cut. The women were given fine lingerie, shiny bling, and chrome plating.

"When we won that first game, I thought we'd go out, have a few drinks and have an early practice," said LeBron James, who was coming off a Rookie of the Year NBA season. "Then, we get to the locker room and some fine chickenhead broke in. She put on the new Usher CD and took out a bag of vegetables. Put it this way, I ain't never gonna hear Usher and not think of zucchini."

The players also blamed poor officiating and lack of practice time for their sub-par performance. One NBA official, who asked for anonymity, said the league has retained the services of Pfizer, Starr Jones, and The Professor from 'Gilligan's Island' to find an antidote in time for the 2008 games.

by faktorial.com - where the NBA goes for its sloppy seconds


New York Daily News - Special - U.S. heads home as a bronze bust

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FEATURE: Severe Shortage of Mexicans Cripples New York Economy; Bloomberg Declares State of Emergency

New York, NY – In a press conference held early Sunday morning in an unusually dirty City Hall, Mayor Bloomberg announced a citywide State of Emergency due to a mysterious shortage of Mexican laborers. The mayor noted, “Restaurants all over the city are closing or reducing their hours of operation. Office buildings, including City Hall are deteriorating rapidly as garbage piles up with no one to clean it up. New York stands to lose $3 to 7 billion a week in tax revenues if a solution is not found quickly.”

The mayor noted that the problem has been escalating for several months as hour-long delays of Thai food deliveries triggered a flurry of calls to the city’s 311 telephone response system. Two weeks ago, further suspicions of a problem were aroused as Michael Eisner, CEO of Disney, was spotted picking up an SUV-full of day laborers at the Harrison train station in Westchester in an apparent attempt to get his offices cleaned properly.

In interviews with business owners throughout the city, the problem took on a more human face. “I couldn’t believe how much Mexicans have meant to our business until they were gone,” said Bobby Flay, owner of restaurants Bolo and Mesa Grill in Manhattan. “We’ve had to fly in a number of Guatemalans at almost twice the cost and a third less productivity. I’m hoping we find a solution soon, or else prices we’ll have no choice but to double our prices.”

Consumers, too, are upset. Dennis Rodriguez, a stockbroker who lives in Queens, has a more dire assessment of the situation. “This is the end! It’s a sign from God that we should have treated them better.” He went on, “Sure, I’d tip like 10, maybe 15 percent, whenever I’d get my food delivered. How was I supposed to know that wasn’t enough? I’m really devastated. Now I have to wait on line for three, maybe four hours just to get some cold Chicken with Cashew Nuts that sometimes doesn’t even have any cashews, just some cheap, overcooked peanuts. This just stinks.”

For all the devastation caused by the problem, few solutions seem adequate. Everyone is trying something. The McDonald’s on 68th and Columbus decided to try hiring Junior High School kids to supplement the work force, but strict child labor laws limit their work hours. The restaurant, however, has found the kids hard to train and the customers consider them rude and despondent at having to work in fast food. Other restaurants are desperately turning to Malaysia, India and Senegal for help, but language and hygiene problems have created as many issues as solutions.

As for the mystery of what actually happened to all of New York’s Mexican laborers, wild theories abound with few real answers. “I heard they just got pissed and left to Canada because they have free healthcare, but I don’t believe it,” said Lwanda Jackson, a Department of Motor Vehicles Executive Assistant. “I think they earned all the money they needed and went back to Mexico to buy houses, start businesses and pirate satellite TV.”

Sandra Finkel, a New York paralegal and self-proclaimed conspiracy theorist is convinced they were taken by an alien race called Beluvians. “I’m not one to be so presumptuous as to think only poor, white Midwesterners are the ones the Beluvians want. I think Beluvians are not that different from us. They face rising costs and labor shortages just like we do. Why shouldn’t they be entitled to inexpensive labor? I hope we, as a species, have learned something from all this.” When asked what lessons needed to be learned, Ms. Finkel seemed a bit less certain, “I don’t know. Maybe that it’s just a matter of time before delivery overtakes ‘take-away’ at most popular Beluvian fast food chains.”

In an election year, the issue has not escaped the attention of both Presidential candidates. President Bush was quoted as saying, “Nada es más importante que el alimento bueno entregado rápido.” Mr. Kerry took a different tact by promising to personally smuggle massive numbers of Mexican laborers in his first trip to Mexico as President. He further promised each of them free healthcare and “dignity”. The Bush campaign was quick to respond with a tersely-worded release, “We challenge Mr. Kerry to provide details on how he plans to fund healthcare and dignity for all Mexicans.”

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Kerry Drives Bus Into Crowd of WWII Veterans, Killing 40

It's not like me to bash our president. But, I will say I'm really impressed by how boldly and brutally the Republicans have gone after Kerry's war record. Especially, considering Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld all "supported" the Vietnam War, but none served. To be fair, while Bush was in the National Guard, there was not a single vietcong victory in Dallas, Houston or Waco. Cheney was hobbled by a tremendous hemorrhoid while Rumsfeld spent his 20's tearing wings off butterflies and setting ants ablaze with his Evil Eye.

Below is a link to a timeline comparing both men's military careers. It's a hell of a lesson in knowing the right people.

kerry war record

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FEATURE: State of the Union Address: Translated!

Thank you. Mr. Speaker. Good evening ladies, gentlemen, and the old, homosexual congressman on my lower left. Hi, Barney! I am honored to have the opportunity to squint, smirk and smile smugly for the next hour or so. As you incessantly applaud my every fumbled and mispronounced word, I implore that you give me the dignity and respect you would give any well-dressed rich kid with access to nuclular weapons.

As you know, Dick Cheney has just finished typing up our budget proposal that promotes the American family, national security and the phrase “faith-based programs” as secret code for converting pesky Jews, Hindus and Muslims to real, God-fearing Americans.

First and foremost, I would like to discuss the American family. I know and love the American family, in fact, I am one. To illustrate this, I have scoured the poorest barrios for a married Puerto Rican couple to sit strategically next to my wife, who will squirm uncomfortably in her chair until they leave. Mr. and Mrs. Ramos, please take a bow! To convey the plight of the Ramos family, I will now pander to all Latinos by speaking a phrase in Spanish: “Mis avios de pesca es en la cocina.” That’s right, “my fishing gear is in the kitchen”. As a result of an otherwise wasteful Ivy League education, I can also say “baño”, “casa” and “ciudad”.

Education is critical to this great nation. In Texas, we developed numerous ways to test students and make teachers more accountable. My plan is to pass every one of these tests.

To show my commitment to education, my spin-doctors have just surrounded my wife with retarded children. My wife and I love these children like our own. In fact, they will remain at her side until every member of the subversive, liberal press takes their picture. At that point, the children will go back to knitting sweaters for Kmart.

In a related issue, racial profiling remains a blight on our nation. That is why I have proposed a bill to stop Dick Cheney from searching for token minorities to sit next to my wife during national speeches.

We also need a national defense system to prevent the French from ever siding with us again. I propose to blanket the entire country with Saran Wrap to ensure that neither hostile missiles nor freezer burn will ever threaten national treasures like Camp David or other resort areas from which I will receive periodic updates from Dick Cheney.

To meet the health care needs of America's seniors, we will double Medicare over the next 10 years, as long as everyone dies by age 72. By executing all seniors who attempt to reach 73, we will save enough money to cut taxes for all Americans. The days of being overcharged for healthcare, social security, pardons and Oval Office furniture are over. On behalf of all Americans, I am your refund.

Tonight, our prayers are with one of our own, Congressman Joe Moakley, who is suffering from testicular cancer. This president promises to defeat to any disease that threatens bureaucrats. That is why I have personally spent the last 12 hours testing each and every congressman for testicular cancer. I am proud to say that only Senator Clinton will require a second opinion.

Some people say my budget is too big; others say it’s too small. That’s what they said about Dick Cheney. But, just like my budget, Dick is just right. To conclude, please remember that bipartisanship is more than just our duty. It is also a hard word to spell.

by faktorial.com - where we'd rather go back to interpreting baboons

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