I’m in Mahmoud for Love

It’s been only one year since he first called me ‘queer’

And threatened to kill all my friends near and dear.
Now, he is changed. He’s the love of my life,
I am Mahmoud’s big, luscious, trans-gendered wife

Our love simmered slowly under enemy fire,
As Saddam sent our hairiest men to funeral pyres
In those smelly, black trenches, one brave lad stood out,
Like a kettle or teapot, he was hot, short, and stout.

Fire in his belly and the buns of a god,
I knew that he’d kill me if I stared at his wad
I suffered in silence and then let it go,
War’s just not safe for an Iranian homo

Years quickly passed. All my friends had now wed,
And there I still was giving gay soldiers head.
One day between clients in a seedy motel,
I saw HIM on TV damning all Jews to hell

My heart went a flutter, my loins were aflame,
I wanted his love, and to scream out his name!
Ahmadinejad! Ahmadinejad! I’m yours!
…as long as you never see what’s in my drawers

Dressed like a lady, I took to the street,
To all of the nooks where girls and tyrants meet
After-mosque hate-fests, jihadist retreats,
Ayatollah-coaster rides, and gay ‘beat-and-greets’

Finally, I found him in a burkalesque joint,
Girls covered in sacks, Mullahs spouting their points
Praise be Allah! We finally spoke!
It was love at first sight…through the slits of my cloak

That dark, steamy night sparked a five year affair,
He’d read me the Koran, I’d describe him my hair
Five years of courtship had taken their tolls,
His mood became blue… not to mention his balls

Convince me he tried: "Marry me, I’ll be true,
I’ll dedicate nuclear reactors to you”
“They’re for energy only,” he’d insist with a wink,
Then he’d whisper sweet nothings about Al-Qaeda links

As he sipped virgin daiquiris from my size 12 Kenneth Coles,
I was drunk with desire, I would bare him my soul
He was not very happy with my missing hole,
He raved like a madman, smashed my face with a bowl

He zipped up his pants; “there’s no gays in Iran!”
I had to get fixed to hold on to MY MAN
The next day after surgery was the worst of my life,
Until boxes of gifts had begun to arrive

He meant to send roses, but sent guns by mistake
So Hezbollah kept calling, for goodness sake!
He did send me tampons and a silent CD,
Music wasn’t allowed…at least he’s thinking of me

Till this very day, ‘it’ sits, locked in his drawer,
A secretive relic of why I’m still sore
He still threatens me lovingly with his firing squad,
But I know that he loves me because in bed, it’s JIHAD!

By faktorial.com – where despots let their freak flags fly.


Think we're joking? Here's the article that inspired this brilliant faktorial:
Read this article from The Guardian UK

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Polyp from President’s Colon Contains Nancy Pelosi

After a detailed biopsy, Dr. Herman von Blumpkin said that the polyp removed from President Bush’s colon contained House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. It appears Ms. Pelosi was digested whole and ungarnished. After promising to end the Iraq war and reverse the damage of the Bush Administration, both Miss Pelosi and hope for change have mysteriously vanished. Doctors were only able to recover one of these items from the First Rectum.

“She hung on for dear life,” observed Dr. Blumpkin. “We found a trail of broken Lee Press-On Nails, silicone gel, and wig glue throughout Mr. Bush’s large intestine,” he added.

To earn the trust of the administration, prospective aides, cabinet nominees, and generals must earn a Dicks-Sigma brown belt. Certification requires at least forty hours inside either George Bush or Dick Cheney’s colon with little more than trail mix, a candle, and a quilted roll of Exit Strategy.

According to White House Spokesman Tony Snow, “Mr. Bush can loosen and release visitors on demand. It’s a technique he learned from Deepak Chopra.” The former journalist continued, “When Ms. Pelosi passed me, riding a tidal wave of beef stew and baby carrots, I knew the Democrats might be up to something.”

In fact, Ms. Pelosi believed that infiltrating the Administration’s inner sanctum was the Democrats’ only hope. “We had no idea how inner their sanctum really was,” one Congressman admitted.

The Democrats' original volunteer, Congressman Charlie Rangel, was too beefy to fit inconspicuously inside the President. Reportedly, Mr. Rangel failed his first drill. Despite hours of yoga and lubrication, he struggled to get more than a yard deep into a nearly-rigid Jerry Falwell. Unlike Ms. Pelosi, Mr. Rangel expected to encounter fierce opposition from well-armed, fundamentalist white blood cells.

While Ms. Pelosi hunted for strategic truffles, Mr. Cheney used his brief tenure to issue nine executive orders, eliminating free speech, brown M&M’s, and each of “those seven gay dwarves”.


By Faktorial.com – where we strongly advise against lighting a candle inside an intestine, without Republican supervision.

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Cheney Joins New Species to Avoid Oversight

Dick Cheney’s Chief of Staff, Lumpy Farnsworth, asserted yesterday that the Vice President will not release any classified documents because he is, in fact, a giant Peruvian penguin. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow clarified, “I know, Secretary sounds like a girl’s job.” He continued, “The Vice President simply cannot ‘hand over’ documents. Everybody knows penguins have no hands. Mr. Cheney was never explicitly asked to ‘flipper over’ any documents.”

After the real Penguin and his arch enemy, Batman, debunked Mr. Cheney’s claim, the Vice President’s legal team released this statement:

“One year ago, Vice President Cheney hired a no-bid contractor to build a top-secret sanctuary inside his own head. This ‘Island of Justice’ (IOJ) will act as America’s K-Y Jelly, keeping the ferocious thrust of freedom from tearing and bleeding. Like Guantanamo, IOJ operates well outside US or Jedi jurisdiction. The Island features amenities like encrypted e-mail, a clone army, and a modest Lipitor factory.”

In a strange press conference this morning, Mr. Cheney somersaulted into the room and hopped onto the podium. He introduced himself as “Imperial Commander of the Island of Justice, the most magical place in the whole, wide world.” Mr. Cheney then held up a gold medallion with a “~” symbol. “From this day forward, you may call me ‘Squiggly Thing’”. He stopped abruptly and skipped out of the building into the Vice Presidential limo, Ambulance Two.

After the press conference, Bill Kristol of FOX News defended the Vice President. “Squiggly Thing is definitely not part of the Executive Branch. He’s a completely different person,” he insisted. “I would go as far as to say, that as long as he’s not on US soil, he’s not bound by any US laws.”

“That includes when he jumps,” confirmed Hallie Burton, Mr. Cheney’s lead attorney. “In fact, any decisions made while Dick Cheney is airborne are not subject to US law. That goes doubly for Squiggly Thing.” She added, “Both Mr. Cheney and Squiggly Thing are training with LeBron James to maximize their leaping abilities. The conditioning will allow them to issue non-Executive orders in complete sentences, instead of fragments like ‘fire attorneys’ or ‘kill Michael Mooo’.”

Administration officials claim that Mr. Cheney and Mr. Squiggly are quite close, but competitive. “They’re even planning a hunting trip,” revealed one cabinet member.

After the press demanded access to Squiggly Thing and the Island of Justice, Lumpy Farnsworth announced a plan to hide five Golden Squigglies inside random oil barrels. “The first five reporters who find these, will win a free tour of The Island,” he explained.

The announcement triggered an immediate spike in oil demand.


by faktorial.com – where one more bite from Dick Cheney will definitely turn us Republican!

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Greek Parade Faces Hostile Takeover After Pita Theft

After an embarrassing turnout at Sunday’s Greek Day Parade, analysts predict a hostile takeover, possibly by the Persian Rug Pageant. Sunday's debacle featured several, mostly Puerto Rican high school bands, floats made of Reynolds Wrap and back hair, and a small fire caused by the Souvlaki Unibrow Institute. The parade’s demise may have been sealed when Greece's most precious artifact, The Giant Pita, was stolen by masked bandits.

Legend has it that The Giant Pita (a.k.a. Pita the Great), a 67-foot flatbread, was prepared for Alexander the Great by only three Spartan bakers. Historians believe that it should have taken several hundred bakers to handle a pita of that size, making it one of the bravest culinary feats in history. But, in a moment of carelessness, the iconic pastry was gone.

Till this day, Greek boys in Astoria, New York are taken from their families at the age of six to be raised by sweaty, hairy Greek men with a singular purpose – to defend The Giant Pita. They wrestle nude, learn to handle their kebabs, and make yogurt sauce under the watchful eye of Pitacus, the legendary leader of the Astoria Greeks.

“I don’t know what happened,” said Gus #7, a Pitacus disciple. “The great pita was poorly defended. We have no excuse.”

Another witness, Gus #453, found a bright side to the tragedy. “We might have lost the pita, but this marks the first time in our rich history that the Greek Orthodox Boys Choir and the Mega Erectus Bath House fought together, side by side, against a common enemy.” He added, “This union brings renewed hope for the future of Astoria and for the accelerated production of our famous, tangy yogurt.”

Privately, the parade’s organizers are believed to be desperately seeking a merger with a sympathetic parade partner. Candidates include The Latvian Liver Festival, Sanjaya-palooza, and the Michael Bolton/John Tesh World Tour.

Jeff Blumfield, Parade Analyst at Bear Sterns, expects the worst. "I don’t think a hostile takeover can be avoided,” he predicted. “Greeks might just wake up tomorrow and find out they’re now Irish, Dominican, or possibly Chinese.”

At first, many assumed the blockbuster movie ‘300’ would rejuvenate Greek pride. Unfortunately, after years in the American school system, most young Greeks surveyed at the parade believed Sparta was “somewhere near Canada”.


by Faktorial.com – where the yogurt is always fresh and maps of Sparta, Canada are available for $10 plus S&H.

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‘Take Pill, Kasparov’

Former Russian chess champion and freedom fighter, Gary Kasparov, was arrested Sunday for leading a protest of Vladimir Putin's authoritarian regime. Mr. Kasparov took over after former rebel leader, Vladimir ‘Crazy Clown’ Trotsky, was trampled to death by fleeing protesters as his massive, green shoes got caught in a sewer drain.

Though Mr. Kasparov was later released, Faktorial.com has obtained a secret transcript of his detention experience:

Guard 1: Take this pill.

Kasparov: No.

Guard 1: Take it..

Kasparov: No.

Guard 1: Are you hungry?

Kasparov: No.

Guard 1: We have sushi.

Kasparov: I’m not hungry.

Guard 1: Cake. We have cake.

Kasparov: It’s fluorescent.

Guard 1: But is delicious! Yum! Boris, come here. Try cake.

(Guard 2, Boris, walks over).

Guard 1: Here try!

(Boris resists. Guard 1 places a piece on a spoon.)

Guard 1: Choo Chooo!

(Boris keeps his mouth closed. Turns his head.)

Guard 1: You don’t want cake? OK.

(Guard 1 takes out his gun and shoots Boris in the head.)

Guard 1: Anyway, I say, is good cake.

Guard 1: You have kids?



by faktorial.com - where we know Polonium does not affect the flavor.


NY Times Article

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Japanese Man sues King of Pop for Losing Face

A financially-strapped Michael Jackson, who recently auctioned off his petrified pet chimp, his detachable scrotum, and the boy holding it, is being sued. In papers filed today in Tokyo, Ichiro Suzuki, who paid $3,500 for a 30 second face to face meeting with Jackson, claims the meeting did not actually happen because "Mr. Jack-san has no face." Mr. Suzuki and his nine year-old son Kibuki Suzuki are suing for 540 Billion Yen, or $167.50. The suit alleges the boy is now "too traumatized to attend Thriller Middle School , a prestigious Karaoke academy, causing the family great shame." Jackson's publicist promised the star would address all charges once he locates his mouth, which he recently misplaced. Should he prevail, Mr. Suzuki plans to use the money to meet his other heroes, Robert Blake and Sirhan Sirhan.

Press-Telegram - $3,500 for face time with King of Pop

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Castro Recovering From a Mild Case of Death

HAVANA, CUBA - Cuba's Foreign Minister Felipe Perez confirmed today that Fidel Castro is headed for a full recovery. He explained that "El Presidente has been following his doctor's advice of resting in formaldehyde and avoiding strenuous hobbies such as moving or breathing."

To maintain order, Cuba's Channel Uno, which also simulcasts on Channel Dos and Channel Tres, has been airing footage of the ailing dictator bungee jumping, smoldering on hot coals, and making love to Screech from Saved by the Bell. When a worm crawled out of El Presidente's eye socket during "the money shot", many began to suspect the film was doctored.

To quell further suspicion, Mr. Castro is going on a live tour. 'The Original Cadavers of Comedy' with James Brown and Anna Nicole Smith kicks off in Fresh Kills, NY on Saturday March 17.

by faktorial.com - where even cadavers can oppress a nation

Excite News - Cuban Minister: Castro Could Return Soon

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J-Date Turns Jewish Man Anti-Semitic

LOS ANGELES - In October 2006, David Birnbaum, a 30 year old marketing manager, joined Jdate.com, a popular Jewish dating site. Mr. Birnbaum, a Jew, did so to silence his mother’s ruthless deconstruction of all his non-Jewish girlfriends. The sound of her voice in his head eventually ruined all of those relationships. “You call this a girl?” “What kind of face is that?” “What’s with those thighs? Like tree trunks. Feh.” Then after three months of dating only Jews, Mr. Birnbaum quit his synagogue, shaved his head, and gave the keynote address at a Holocaust denial conference in Iran.

Like most of Mr. Birnbaum’s accomplishments, this quest began with a subconscious disdain for his mother. It was punctuated by her persistent, empty threat, “I’m not gonna live forever, Bubaleh.” Like Ahab and Moby-Dick, Birnbaum took to the internet to hunt his mythical creature, the nice Jewish girl. While specific traits are said to vary, the Unabridged Oy to Oy-Vey Dictionary defines “nice Jewish girl” as “a bride who proudly inherits her mother-in-law’s nagging and emasculation duties.”

Mr. Birnbaum could sense the desperation in his parents. “At one point, I knew they’d be happy with anyone with some combination of ten fingers or toes and little to no evidence of retardation,” he admitted. “As long as she could stop drooling long enough to make latkes or remove that creepy gelatin off the Gefilte fish, they’d throw us the biggest wedding this side of Mumbai.”

It was during J-Date’s sign-up process that Mr. Birnbaum began feeling uncomfortable. He had tried Match.com and Yahoo Personals, but never encountered a mandatory financial portfolio section. “It was integrated with Quicken, TurboTax, and Microsoft Money,” he added.

“Right after J-Date validated my W-2’s, the first girl I e-mailed sent me a detailed ‘Notice of Incompatibility’,” he recalled. “She thought we shouldn’t date because I’m a growth investor and she’s into bonds and livestock futures. She then proceeded to critique my 401K allocations.”

Gary Schwartz, a friend and fellow online dater, suggested that Mr. Birnbaum use his Starbucks Strategy. “You meet for coffee. If you like each other, get together again,” advised Mr. Schwartz. “If not, you don’t waste three hours and $90 on a total stranger who has a very loose interpretation of ‘Athletic and Toned’.”

“It was a good plan,” remembered Mr. Birnbaum, as he doodled a swastika on the sleeve of his hospital gown. “The coffee thing didn’t work once. Jewish girls are far too crafty and powerful. It’s like they were genetically engineered to only go out on Saturday nights. About half would order the lobster or some rare truffle found by pregnant pigs. Mostly, to prove they were worth the money.”

Mr. Birnbaum spent months dating Barbara Streisand look-alikes, learning the nuances of diamond clarity, and deconstructing why he’s not a doctor. When he did manage to get a word in, it was his salary. His bank account was depleted, he was fresh out of Matzo jokes, and his calm demeanor had cracked. “Why would she keep saying ‘milchik’ instead of ‘milk’? Why not just milk? Why?” he screamed.

An attendant ran in to inject Mr. Birnbaum with a mild sedative.

Things went from bad to worse. Mr. Birnbaum was fired from his job and lost touch with his friends. He just sat in his apartment listening to German Industrial band Rammstein with songs like “Gefilte Fist”, “Blintz-kreig” and “Kashrut of All Evil”. Inspired, Mr. Birnbaum joined an Aryan kickball league, pledged his life savings to Jerry Lewis’s Hezbollah-thon on Channel 9, and underwent foreskin reconstruction surgery.

Finally, his parents intervened and committed their son to a mental health facility. Doctors believe a full recovery is possible, as long as Mr. Birnbaum sticks to a steady diet of bagels and lox with low doses of French and Brazilian girls.


- by faktorial.com – where French and Brazilian girls go to meet eligible Jewish men



2007 Copyright of Faktorial.com. All Rights Reserved.

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EXCLUSIVE: Bush to Send 20,000 Mexican Gardeners to Tame Iraq (Speech Transcript)

Faktorial.com has obtained exclusive, advanced text of Wednesdays’s Presidential address, outlining the new Iraq strategy:

Good evening America and evil-doers. This is your President. President Bush. Today, I I want to address something that’s starting to bother me. Hemorrhoids. Karl said a joke to start would kill. (pause) America, the reason I have been seated here is if I stood, you'd see I have no pants. That's two, Karl. I'm killing. Another thing that's killing my Presidency is something I call Iraq. Iraq is a place. Some folks don’t think what we’re doing in Iraq is good. Some say it’s lacking in so-called success. Others call it a war. I disagree.

Former generals and funeral directors would have you believe things aren't savageable. It's not true. There are many strong signs that the people of Iraq are ready to leave the violence of the past behind and embrace the violence of the future. By hanging Saddam Hussein on YouTube, the people of Iraq are free. Free to elect any Ayatollah they want from brand new Diebold VoteBunker 4000’s. Freedom is never free. It is exactly $9 billion a month.

There's also progress helping the flatulating Iraqi army get up on their feet. Some of them cannot. They do not have feet, because of some insurgent folks over there. Still, the fire of hope burns bright in their eyes. It burns even brighter in what’s left of the Basra police station.

We cannot afford to lose. That is why I have gathered, in a room, with my most trusted advisors, Flavor Flav, Steven Seagal, and Billy from Melrose Place. I asked them all the tough questions. Together, we worked through the 7:00 o'clock Seinfeld re-run last Thursday, to craft a decisive recipe for Tiramisu. As you know, My Name is Earl does not start ‘til eight. That gave us precious time to develop a path to victory in Ir..a...n, which I will read off this napkin.

The first thing we must do is ease secretarian tensions. We’ll do so by giving Sunnis and Shiites cute, funny names like Spongebomber Squarepants and Tickle-me-Tikritin. Who would assassinate an Ayatollah Smurfi? A Terror-tubby? Not under America's watch!

Next, we will make it easier to work with the various fractions. We will give Iraqis simple, less scary names, like Indian call center workers. For example, Muktada al-Sadr will now be “Mike”. Grand Ayatollah Ali Ali al-Sistani will be “Stan”.

We will not pull our troops out of Iraq. Instead, I will pull all Iraqis out of Iraq and drop them into Darfur. That way, everyone we don’t plan to help is in one, convenient place.

Until this happens, we need to engorge our troop levels. These will not be Americans. I plan to send 20,000 Mexican gardeners and day laborers that Laura captured near our Texas ranch. This new force will patrol Baghdad in a ’75 Chevy El Camino.

We must also break the will of the insurgency. We’ll do this by weaponizing the music of Kevin Federline and Brooke Hogan. We’ve also placed velvet ropes and a snippy, transgenderal bouncer wherever we don’t want insurgents or ugly tourists wearing Scrunchies.

As a sign of goodwill to moderate Arabs. People like…hmmm…like the guy on Lost. I plan to shut down the prison camp at Guantanamo Bay. All campers will be transfered inside of my head. There, brown freedom haters can be held indefinitely and interrogated in complete isolation from world opinion.

If these Plan A initiatives fail, we have another plan that comes after A. It is on a separate napkin.

To conclude, I look forward to working with the Democratic majority, until those Russian reporters are done urinating into their water supply.

Finally, we must not let partisan defeatism blind us from the massive “Delusion Accomplished” banner behind me.

God bless America. Good night.

By faktorial.com – where incompetence and poor grammar have yet to lead to Presidency, or even a low-level cabinet position

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Rove Returns as Hospitals Swell With Fallen Democrats

Washington D.C. - Shortly after Democratic Senator Tim Johnson was hospitalized with stroke symptoms, the Washington Times has learned of a Republican plot codenamed “Election, Schmelection”. Borrowing a page from Vladimir Putin’s ‘30-Minute Last Meals’ cookbook, Republican strategist Karl Rove plans to poison his party back into power. Rove operatives have secured massive amounts of Pelosium-215, a highly unstable, radioactive isotope that causes erratic behavior, indecisiveness, and eventual self-destruction.

After the failure of pre-election tactics such as re-paving roads in black voting districts to lead directly into the sea and rigging voting machines to launch Hispanics into space, Karl Rove needed a break. After basking in the warmth of a red sun and feasting on pounds of black-market stem cells, Mr. Rove returned with VENGNCE on his mind – and on his new license plate. While on his way to make empty promises to evangelicals, Mr. Rove coyly told a reporter, “It’s only a majority, if they live.”

When told of the plot, Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer was not surprised. “We know what they’re capable of. We just have to be ready,” he acknowledged. “Today alone, Bill Frist sent me gift subscriptions to both the Butter of the Month Club and the Isotope of the Month Club.”

Other Democratic Congressmen and Senators have received gifts ranging from anthrax cupcakes to arsenic-flavored popcorn to Gillette Hep-C razors. Rep. Barney Frank got a brand new Canon digital camera - packaged with a scantily clad infant and a free memory card.

Democrats remain defiant, no matter how fluorescent their urine. Many have begun aggressive workout regimens. Some have hired food tasters or look-alikes. Even celebrities have offered to help. For example, both Helen Mirren and Harvey Fierstein plan to stand in for Hillary Clinton on select occasions.

Because Republican governors can choose replacements for dead Democrats, the Democrats have several Doomsday options, should some of them be killed successfully:

1. The first is a “Weekend at Bernie’s” option, where the dead politician is propped up as if he were alive and carried around by two panicky college boys, creating many opportunities for humor and hi-jinx.
2. A second plan, code named “Hannibal”, involves a junior-level Democrat wearing the skin of the deceased politician and living out the duration of his term. This technique has been in beta-testing since Dan Quayle first donned George W. Bush’s skin seven years ago.
3. “Dawn of the Living Dead Senator” is the absolute last resort. A dying Democrat is bitten by a radioactive monkey and wanders, grunting, through Capital Hill with an insatiable hunger for human flesh and pro-cannibal legislation.

While authorities are monitoring the situation, few believe that a rejuvenated Rove can be stopped. One Democratic Congressman privately admitted, “If we get through this with one or two casualties, some patchy hair loss, and a few ‘Obama bin Laden’ posters, we’ll consider ourselves lucky.”


By faktorial.com – one of the world’s top suppliers of radioactive isotopes for both commercial and recreational use.

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Remorseful ‘Kramer’ Vows to Reverse Slavery, Apartheid and Moesha

Los Angeles - After his shocking, racist tirade at a Los Angeles comedy club, Michael Richards has vowed to make things right. After awkward apologies to black leaders like Jesse Jackson, Gloria Allred, and Tiki Barber, Richards announced plans to travel back in time to “end every scourge that has ever plagued Afro-Americans including slavery, apartheid, and occasionally ashy skin.” Facing thinly-veiled threats against his wealth, like Al Sharpton wearing a suit made entirely out of Richards’s old W-2 forms, the comedian chose humanitarian time travel instead.

Shortly after finishing the last leg of his apology tour at LeVar Burton’s house, Richards boarded a small, Nintendo-built time craft called the “Woo”. Although PC Magazine complained about the Woo’s “poor user interface” and “cheap wireless controller”, Richards believed it was good enough to get him to Africa circa 1619 AD. Nintendo stepped in to build the craft after Richards was robbed of $4.7 million in cash, as he waited in line to buy Sony’s new TM3, a Blu-Ray equipped time machine.

While it is unclear what impact Richards efforts will yield, Stanford anthropologist Alice Tang believes she has discovered several etchings in Nigeria of what appear to be a gangly, white man being boiled. Sir Lernsalot, a famed British historian, found journals from English slave traders referring to a “Hipster Doofus slave dealer” living in Nigeria. One slave trader’s journal-entry read, “Wow, is this guy racist!” He later wrote, “What’s a ‘spik’?” Despite the revolutionary implications of these discoveries, neither President Oprah nor Vice President Tyra Banks could be reached for comment.

Even without conclusive evidence of Richard’s guilt-ridden efforts, many believe the country now faces a free speech crisis. Alex Tankian, a Harvard linguistics professor, warns, “Demands by black leaders to end the use of the n-word leads us down a slippery slope until the only ones left with the right to say n**ger are a bunch of racist m***er-f***ing, c**k-s**kers like the KKK or some tunnel bunny c**t you pay 50 bucks to s**t on you and call you a ‘dirty, m*****-******, c***-s***** little b****’ while she $%^^&^$&@$* you in a plastic bag.”


By faktorial.com – where we take solace in knowing we still have Elaine

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Six Dead in Rumsfeld’s First Week as Girl Scout Leader

Washington D.C. - What began as a street fair to raise money and awareness for Girl Scouts, ended in mayhem and tragedy. Six scouts died and dozens were trampled by a hostile, hungry mob. The girls had run out of cookies. Unfazed by the absence of additional vendors, Donald Rumsfeld saw no reason to postpone his inaugural event as the group’s new President. The 74-year old Rumsfeld, who was fired as Defense Secretary for making Saddam Hussein look brilliant, recently jumped at the chance to practice his innovative, tactical strategies on pliable, pre-pubescent girls.

Anne Kirkland, who attended the fair with her daughter Ashley, knew immediately something was amiss. "I’ve been to over twenty of these. You normally see the same crafts and clothing vendors and tons of food stands. You know, the big-breasted Italian sausage guy, the scruffy Middle Eastern guy with dirty fingernails juicing pineapples, and that Vietnamese couple serving brown skewers of something that could catch a Frisbee. This time, all I saw was ten girls selling cookies.”

“Just before the awning collapsed, I remember an obese woman pounding on the counter, yelling for Macaroons,” sobbed Mrs. Kirkland. “One of the girls peed in her uniform. That’s like four demerits. By the time the Mallomars ran out, the place looked like Fallujah.”

At a press conference this morning, Mr. Rumsfeld deflected criticism of the event. "I wouldn't have changed a thing. Sure, I expected to find BLT’s. My intelligence experts insisted there’d be BLT’s, KFC’s, PB&J’s, and BBQ’s, but there weren’t.” He added, “This is war, people. You go in with the cookies you have, not the cookies you want.”

Mr. Rumsfeld also outlined his plan to “reduce dependence on foreign pastries and develop a smaller, swifter force that can handle hostile snacking environments with minimal pedocide." He emphasized, “We can’t have a bunch of weak, lily-livered, cookie mongers piss and run at the first sign of anarchy, like little girls or Democrats.”

To realize his vision, Mr. Rumsfeld announced partnerships with Belarus, Kazakhstan, and Barbados, who agreed to provide moral support and five scouts each, to help stabilize the next street fair. Boris Sagdiyev, Kazakhstan’s Minister of Education noted, “We are very proud to help glorious nation of Girl Scout. We insure Lord Rumsfield that despite their mustaches, pregnant belly, and lumpy vagines, scouts from Kazakhstan is definitely girls. High five! “ Mr. Sagdiyev added, “We very much excite to teach American girl to shoot dog, pull plow, and make traditional meal of ferment gypsy livers with onion and goat testes. Great success!”

by faktorial.com – where Macaroons and goat testes coexist in peace and harmony

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Planet of the Steaks, November 2062

What began as an effort to comfort and pamper livestock before slaughter, has led to an epic battle for animal civil rights. Moolcolm X, the rebellious organizer of last week’s Million Cow Munch, a defiant grazing event in Woodstock New York, has demanded an end to all animal consumption and teat-pulling.

Seeds of the animal liberation movement were planted in late 2006 when farmers began building spas, hoof salons, and dance studios for their cows, pigs, and goats. Some chickens even received grief counseling after their eggs were taken away. At first, the programs helped guilty carnivores feel good about themselves and their $75 porterhouse. Consumers even paid hefty premiums for meat that died with comprehensive dental benefits, a 401K plan, and a shared passion for Desperate Housewives and CSI: Miami.

Difficulties surfaced around 2020, when some farm animals developed stubborn preferences. Sloppy pigs would only watch the NFL or Home Shopping Network. Lazy cows refused to be milked until they saw an entire Rachel Ray Show. Strangely, goats were mesmerized by Al Jazeera. Many would chew through their ropes and ram their horns through the TV whenever they saw Jews. Hundreds of anti-Semitic goats died this way until farmers agreed to let them wear their beards long, observe Ramadan, and wear burkas in their ID photos.

Soon farm animals began to acquire basic speech and critical thinking patterns not unlike those of Born-Again Kansasonians. In 2035, after earning his Grade Equivalency Degree, Sir Loin became England’s first non-human to be knighted since Keith Richards.

Sir Loin’s achievements inspired and emboldened animals around the world. Bovine everywhere demanded education and jobs that did not begin with their teats and end with Worcestershire sauce. Under legal pressure from PETA and the ACLU, Sir Loin became the first buffalo to compete on ‘F**king with the Stars’, a FOX reality series. (In an emotional finale, Sir Loin was soundly out-f**ked by Cody Lee-Gifford and lost.)

Animal achievements extended to all species. In 2047, Flipper Finkelstein, an Orthodox dolphin, was credited with restructuring Best Buy’s lackluster customer service division. His accomplishment was somewhat tarnished when the company took an $8B loss on electronics damaged when several stores were filled with water to accommodate new, amphibious sales reps.

Not all animals have excelled. Chickens still prefer to spend their days walking into walls and defecating on each other. Experts predict that their defiant clucks will ultimately doom humanity to a life of tofu consumption. While tofu is not generally believed to crave independence, scientists are studying the matter.

Fearing reprisals from his flock, one Nebraska farmer ruminated anonymously on the controversy, “Over thousands of years, we were hunters who won the right to eat anything we wanted. Now, we’ve squandered our evolutionary victory. I’m going to scream if I see another cockroach with a picket sign!”

Ming Tso, a Chinese farmer had a much different perspective, “We invite our most educated animals over for drinks and passionate debate. Then, we kill and eat them down to the eyeballs. Over rice.”


by faktorial.com – where there’s nothing we wouldn’t barbecue. nothing.


From the New York Times:

Meat Labels Hope to Lure the Sensitive Carnivore

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Madonna, Jolie Busted in ‘Adopted Celebrity Deathmatch’ Plot

Suspicious of the sudden outbreak of wealthy, white celebrities adopting poor children from the Third World, police set up a sting operation. Their worst fears were confirmed by Kwaze “David” Banda, a three-foot tall, Malawi detective, who posed as an adorable, muscular orphan. Banda secretly recorded a cockney-accented Madonna Ciccone, his adoptive-Diva-to-be, scheming to train Banda to battle Mia Farrow’s Third World Order (T.W.O.), the world’s deadliest band of orphans. For over a decade, Farrow’s T.W.O. has dominated the lethal and secretive ‘Adopted Celebrity Deathmatch’ tournament. Instead of lawyers, cowardly Hollywood Caucasians used orphan combat to settle scores the way gangsta rappers, strippers, and Sean Penn have done since Molly Ringwald was pretty in p...was pretty.

After a week of surveillance, LA police were led to a secluded battleground etched into the Beverly Hills backyard of Stephen Spielberg. A police helicopter spied Spielberg’s adopted children Theo and Mikaela sword fighting with Jet Li and Sammo Hung Fat. The ex-orphans were apparently training to fight Zahara Jolie Pitt, who, despite her tender age of two, has already decapitated several adopted celebrities including Al Roker’s daughter, Aureo, and several interns at Paramount. (Deathmatch rules are based on the movie Highlander, in which immortals battle for supremacy and beheading is the sole means of victory. Police found the movie’s slogan, “There Can Be Only One” tattooed above Zahara Jolie Pitt’s’s buttocks.)

On the eve of the battle, Police raided Spielberg’s home, arresting countless celebrities including Angelina Jolie, Madonna, and Nicole Ritchie's skeleton. However, Farrow and her fearsome orphans escaped. Farrow’s ex-husband Woody Allen later commented, “I hope someone finally stops her evil. I have a very low threshold of death. I grew up in Brooklyn, where nobody killed their adopted kids. They were too unhappy – to kill or to adopt. That’s why I daringly rescued Sun Yi from Mia’s Dojo of Death. Actually, I had Tony Roberts and Diane Keaton do it. Ripping out nipples and bladders is no life for a 12 year old girl. Certainly not for a Jew.” Allen elaborated on his marriage to Farrow’s adoptive daughter, “We never intended to fall in love. That only happened while we hid deep in the hills of the Upper West Side. The whole situation almost made me neurotic.”

Although he may have ended several Hollywood careers, Kwaze Banda has also suffered. The pint-sized cop – and real-life orphan, developed an attachment to Madonna, who was the only mother he had ever known. He still smiles as he recalls how she would tickle his belly while he breastfed. “I hope she reconsiders and still goes through with the adoption,” admitted the 28 year old detective. “The way I see it, I can either spend the rest of my life eating government rice and dodging AIDS, or I can spend my nights drinking Cristal and getting fellatio from supermodels at Bungalow 8. Which would you choose?“

In a related note, Brad Pitt, who was arrested in the raid, was later released for having no knowledge. Hours after his release, the disoriented Pitt was found wandering West Los Angeles looking for a script to tell him how to get home.


by faktorial.com – the last bastion of hope for surplus Asian and African orphans

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Wal-Mart to Lure Black Shoppers with Grits and Gangsta Rap

After several quarters of slowing growth, Wal-Mart has announced a revolutionary plan to revive sales. The massive retailer plans to customize its stores to better serve six types of customers: old people whose kids grew up, people with money, suburban people, rural people and blacks and Hispanics. The new strategy is based on a Wal-Mart study that surprisingly showed blacks and Hispanics, regardless of age, wealth, education, or social status all basically like, chicken, oversized jeans and "bling", but in different styles. Today's announcement was made by new company spokeswoman Maria Conchita Gonzalez Jackson X.

"Research by our consultants, Lilly, White & Cracker, showed that our black customers require delicious fried chicken, watermelon, and movies with lots of karate," Ms. Jackson X explained. "We plan to cater to those needs by creating a section of the store, especially for them."

In fact, all re-designed Wal-Mart stores will feature special Hispanic and Black sections. When concerns about segregation were raised, Ms. Jackson X was quick to point out, "This is customization, not segregation. We intend to treat all our customers equally. Each section will have its very own water fountains, bathrooms, even entertainment."

"As our black customers shop, we will soothe their senses with familiar aromas of grits and bacon. They will also hear rap music by exclusive Wal-Mart artists like Kool Moe Dee, Coolio and something Re-Run." Ms. X added, "Of course, black shoppers can also dance in the extra-wide aisles, as our research predicts they would."

By comparison, rural shoppers will hear Travis Tritt and Tammy Wynette songs as they shoot down the items they want to purchase. No details were given on how the other sections will look. However, Ms. Jackson X hinted at some surprises in store for Hispanics, "You said you liked congas or bongos and we listened."

After the press conference, the company issued a written clarification explaining that customers can indeed choose to shop "in any of the sections...at their own risk." The statement advised against such actions due to "the potential for varying crime rates in different parts of the store."

To maximize safety, Wal-Mart plans to install spiked walls that will drop from the ceiling, when necessary, to provide shoppers with instant safety and comfort. "Of course," Ms. Jackson X added, "the walls in certain parts of the store will drop faster. Our research showed that some customers have an extra bone in their ankle and can move blazingly fast. We could not independently validate that another, smaller segment can also fly."

Upon hearing the announcement, both Republican and Democratic groups were outraged. The NAACP and Jesse Jackson called for a protest against what they deemed "a racist, bigoted strategy." However, after several hours of talks, Wal-Mart agreed to hire the NAACP Chairman's nephew, contribute $40MM to both the Republican and Democratic National Committees, and contribute $100 million to Mr. Jackson's PUSH coalition. As a result, all previously planned protests will now be merged into the company's grand re-opening celebrations: "Gooberfest", "Beanerthon" and "Gangsta Shnizzle".


- by faktorial.com - where racism and bigotry suffocate under the weight of brilliant sarcasm.

On a serious note:

No, I'm not saying Wal-Mart's racist. I'm just extrapolating. What Wal-Mart says and what it does are two completely different stories. In this case, isn't it amazing that two diverse minorities are separated from the other non-racial profiles? In reality, I do hope this leads to people dependent on Wal-Mart getting more products they can actually use. Or, to me getting more material I can actually use. It's also interesting how race is used as a tool by powerful corporations, whenever it's convenient.

Wal-Mart is the only source of goods for many Americans and a powerful driver of some undesirable social change. And, don't count on politicians, self-proclaimed civil rights leaders, and others to enforce our best interests. They are all dependent on corporate $'s. They all have a price. We need to publicly fund politics and break that dependency. Or, we need more people like Bloomberg or Corzine, but there aren't too many billionaires insane enough to be in the public eye.

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Australia Orders Protection for its Last Remaining Celebrity

After the untimely death of one of Australia's greatest celebrities, Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, the country is taking no chances with its only remaining celebrity, Russell Crowe. Prime Minister John Howard immediately mobilized Australia's National Guard and Navy to defend the actor from any "aerial, aquatic, terrestrial or extra-terrestrial threats."

While Mr. Crowe was on location in Canada filming "A Beautiful Master and Gladiator Man" with Ron Howard, the Australian Navy installed a 40 mile underwater fence around the actor's oceanfront Australian estate to protect the actor from blood-thirsty stingrays, celebrity-hating jellyfish, and pointy-edged clams.

While environmentalists fear the fence will kill thousands of fish and endanger the area's ecology, the hard-nosed Australian Prime Minister exclaimed, "I would personally kill every shark in the ocean and beat every hotel employee to a bloody pulp to save Russell Crowe from even one premature wrinkle!"

Australian officials acknowledged that outfitting Mr. Crowe's Hummer with a rocket launcher and cavity-searching Samuel L. Jackson, Crowe's current co-star, only underscores the dire state of the country's entertainment industry. After Crowe, the best known Australian celebrities are a racist, peg-legged clown named Scuffles and Phil, The Incredible Mustache Boy, who is quickly approaching puberty.

To avert future crises, Australia plans to open several celebrity training camps where any semblance of talent can qualify applicants for substantial arts grants and round-the-clock security. Unfortunately, early auditions were cancelled after several hopefuls badly scorched their genitals, while others attempted "dangerous and unsanitary insertions". A disgusted government official noted, "It looked like Jackass 3 out there. I don't think real talent should require lubricant."

Despite the sudden government mobilization, most Australians simply ruminated on Mr. Irwin's passing. "There's a human side to this tragedy," said Abbey Johns, a receptionist from Sydney, Australian. "I know that to people in America, an entire nation mourning the wacky crocodile poker on channel 147 seems crazy...but here, he's on channel 2." Ms. Johns paused for a moment, " To us, Steve Irwin represented something magical. He was one of our own. A proud Aussie who made it. He lived life to the fullest. He wore shorts to work."

Mr. Irwin will be laid to rest early Wednesday morning. On Thursday, the stingray that killed him will appear on the popular Aussie reality show, "The Fish Whisperer", where Wally "Aquaman" Green will attempt to rehabilitate it. If the fish fails to accept accountability, it is tentatively booked to appear Friday on "Grillin' and Chillin' with Paul Hogan".


- by faktorial.com, the home for classic Australian comedy

Excite News

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US & Britain Ban Passengers on All Flights

Today, the Department of Homeland Security announced that until further notice, all passengers will be banned from domestic and international flights. A five week investigation led by US and British authorities uncovered that all 10 suspected terror cells planned to blow up planes using one common weapon: passengers.

In his press conference this afternoon, President Bush did not mince words, "It's clear we must stop evil-doer passengers from hurting good-doer passengers. This is difficult. We have instructated all airport personnel to separate 'passengers' from 'non-passengers'. Folks identified as non-passengers such as razor blades, shoes, iPods and liquid will be allowed to fly. Folks deemed to be passengers must be disposed of at the terminal."

John Eldridge, a senior British security official, stated that one risk remains: pilots and flight attendants. "A ban on flight crews is not completely out of the question. A suicidal pilot could endanger the lives of 436 razor blades, 211 bottles of shampoo, and 305 liters of moisturizer with one carefully placed explosive."

An anonymous security official for Israel's El-Al, widely considered the world's most secure airline, laughed at the new policy. "We just stop and search all the Arabs," he stated. "We plan to continue allowing passengers and grooming products onboard our planes."

FedEx and UPS also complained that the new policy would create unfair competition by effectively turning passenger airlines into shipping companies. In response, FedEx and UPS have decided to enter the "human transport" business, where properly packed individuals will ship for $2 to $ 4 per pound, depending on the destination.

As soon as he heard about the new service, Jack Larsen, 28, of Cleveland rushed to his local FedEx Kinko's. He hoped to ship himself to London, where his razor blades and luggage are now on vacation. As Mr. Larsen's sister packed him into his cardboard and foam-peanut cocoon, Mr. Larsen echoed the frustration of fellow travelers, "$430 to have your carry-ons fly Coach while you fly Crate is just absurd. I just hope my toiletries don't raid the hotel mini-bar before I get there."


By faktorial.com - where the truth hurts - a lot!

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US Poll Proves Earth is Flat

Earth is Flat: Poll Completely Scientific With Charts And Everything

In a poll released today, 64% of Americans believe the earth is flat. Fourteen percent believed it was very, very flat. Six percent ate the survey form. Despite centuries of globular representations of the earth, telescopic photos of other planets, and photos from the Space Shuttle clearly showing a round earth, American public opinion begs to differ.

In response to the survey results, Republican senator Bill Frist proposed a Constitutional amendment to change public school textbooks to reflect the new findings. "At the very least, I believe the flat earth theory should be taught alongside the so-called round-earth theory," proposed the senator. "However, we must never forget all those brave European explorers whose ships fell off the edge of the earth in the 1500's and 1600's. I will forever honor their sacrifices, as long as there is oxygen in my kidneys and blood surges through my lymph nodes."

In Kansas, the state best known for replacing its evolution curriculum with creationism, held a massive rally to celebrate the survey. Revelers brought thousands of globes, which were flattened under a giant steamroller. Attendees proudly waved maps and signs like "Flatt iz Beutifull", "Tich Our Childrens Well" and "Sun? What sun??".

In a related story, a Korean elementary school class was awarded first place at the World Science Forum for using dinosaur fossils to clone a T-Rex. In response to videotape of the achievement, Pat Robertson, of The Christian Coalition, denied the existence of fossils, dinosaurs and Koreans.


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Think this fake story is far fetched? See the article below from today's New York Times. Shocking...
_______________________________________________








New York Times:

Teaching of Creationism Is Endorsed in New Survey


By LAURIE GOODSTEIN
Published: August 31, 2005

In a finding that is likely to intensify the debate over what to teach students about the origins of life, a poll released yesterday found that nearly two-thirds of Americans say that creationism should be taught alongside evolution in public schools.

The poll found that 42 percent of respondents held strict creationist views, agreeing that "living things have existed in their present form since the beginning of time."

In contrast, 48 percent said they believed that humans had evolved over time. But of those, 18 percent said that evolution was "guided by a supreme being," and 26 percent said that evolution occurred through natural selection. In all, 64 percent said they were open to the idea of teaching creationism in addition to evolution, while 38 percent favored replacing evolution with creationism.

The poll was conducted July 7-17 by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life and the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press. The questions about evolution were asked of 2,000 people. The margin of error was 2.5 percentage points.

John C. Green, a senior fellow at the Pew Forum, said he was surprised to see that teaching both evolution and creationism was favored not only by conservative Christians, but also by majorities of secular respondents, liberal Democrats and those who accept the theory of natural selection. Mr. Green called it a reflection of "American pragmatism."

"It's like they're saying, 'Some people see it this way, some see it that way, so just teach it all and let the kids figure it out.' It seems like a nice compromise, but it infuriates both the creationists and the scientists," said Mr. Green, who is also a professor at the University of Akron in Ohio.

Eugenie C. Scott, the director of the National Center for Science Education and a prominent defender of evolution, said the findings were not surprising because "Americans react very positively to the fairness or equal time kind of argument."

"In fact, it's the strongest thing that creationists have got going for them because their science is dismal," Ms. Scott said. "But they do have American culture on their side."

This year, the National Center for Science Education has tracked 70 new controversies over evolution in 26 states, some in school districts, others in the state legislatures.

President Bush joined the debate on Aug. 2, telling reporters that both evolution and the theory of intelligent design should be taught in schools "so people can understand what the debate is about."

Senator Bill Frist of Tennessee, the Republican leader, took the same position a few weeks later.

Intelligent design, a descendant of creationism, is the belief that life is so intricate that only a supreme being could have designed it.

The poll showed 41 percent of respondents wanted parents to have the primary say over how evolution is taught, compared with 28 percent who said teachers and scientists should decide and 21 percent who said school boards should. Asked whether they believed creationism should be taught instead of evolution, 38 percent were in favor, and 49 percent were opposed.

More of those who believe in creationism said they were "very certain" of their views (63 percent), compared with those who believe in evolution (32 percent).

The poll also asked about religion and politics, government financing of religious charities, and gay men and lesbians in the military. Most of these questions were asked of a smaller pool of 1,000 respondents, and the margin of error was 2.5 percentage points, Pew researchers said.

The public's impression of the Democratic Party has changed in the last year, the survey found. Only 29 percent of respondents said they viewed Democrats as being "friendly toward religion," down from 40 percent in August of 2004. Meanwhile, 55 percent said the Republican Party was friendly toward religion.

Luis E. Lugo, the director of the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life, said: "I think this is a continuation of the Republican Party's very successful use of the values issue in the 2004 election, and the Democrats not being able up until now to answer that successfully. Some of the more visible leaders, such as Howard Dean and others, have reinforced that image of a secular party. Of course, if you look at the Democratic Party, there's a large religious constituency there."

Survey respondents agreed in nearly equal numbers that nonreligious liberals had "too much control" over the Democratic Party (44 percent), and that religious conservatives had too much control over the Republican Party (45 percent).

On religion-based charities, two-thirds of respondents favored allowing churches and houses of worship to apply for government financing to provide social services. But support for such financing declined from 75 percent in early 2001, when Mr. Bush rolled out his religion-based initiative.

On gay men and lesbians in the military, 58 percent of those polled said they should be allowed to serve openly, a modest increase from 1994, when 52 percent agreed. Strong opposition has fallen in that time, to 15 percent from 26 percent in 1994.

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Cheney Develops Taste for Blood, Hunts Down Dissenters

Witnesses report that Wednesday morning, Vice President Dick Cheney unleashed a flurry of gunfire after a hearty breakfast at the White House. He reportedly yelled, “You all look like filthy, liberal quail to me!!! AARRRGGGHHHH!!” White House aides admit that since shooting one of his hunting buddies in the face, the Vice President has developed a taste for blood.

An anonymous source at the CIA revealed that Mr. Cheney, who avoided the Vietnam draft due to acid reflux, has been in secret military training for the last three years. Mr. Cheney is suspected to be the administration’s secret weapon to silence a rising chorus of opposition to domestic spying, the war in Iraq, and the mysterious disappearance of brown M&M’s.

To prove he means business, Mr. Cheney plans to execute his lesbian daughter on FOX News. Calls to FOX were not immediately returned, but a spokesman for Mr. Cheney revealed that following the execution, the Vice President will announce plans to “take out an undisclosed Hollywood Jew and anyone driving a Prius hybrid.”
Surprisingly, Democratic Senate leader Harry Reid directed his criticism of the administration’s tactics. “FOX News, once again, is proving that it is partisan. In a concession of equal time, FOX offered to air Hillary Clinton's killing the Democrats' chances of winning the presidency.

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Corrupt African Tyrants Honor Bono, Geldof

This week, dozens of African tyrants gathered to honor rock star Bono of U2 and friend of rock stars, Bob Geldof for organizing the global “Live 8” concert and raising billions for poor African countries. The flamboyant three day ceremony was held at the gold-plated palace of Zaire’s Supreme Ruler and Diety, Mbutu Fukuutu.

On opening night, fireworks kicked off an evening of passionate speeches and elaborate dance numbers. In a rousing oratory, Tukku Mmune, military despot of Congo, tearfully thanked Bono and Geldof. “With this extra money, we can now execute 400 nomads a week, up from only 200 last month!” Wiping a tear, he continued, “We can then beat the remaining tribes with high-grade wood sticks made from UN aid boxes. All because of you, Geldof…and the one with the funny glasses!” toasted the emotional Mmune.

Kuke Krukke, ruler of Zimbabwe, best known for hatcheting 700,000 Zulus, offered Geldof and Bono a tribal skull cap - made of actual Zulu skulls. “I honor you with the fruits of my life’s work. May your bones find their purpose long after they have been severed!” exulted Mr. Krukke as he raised his glass to toast the somewhat uncomfortable guests of honor.

At the second night’s dinner, Ugrubbe one of the bejeweled revelers joked, “Stupid Pink Floyd reunited with Roger Waters all for us!!!” Nigeria’s ruler suggested he will name his new tanks “The Waters Brigade”, which he will use to crush human rights protesters because the sound reminds him of “bubble wrap”. Neither Waters nor Pink Floyd could attend the ceremony due to a previously scheduled performance to benefit Pfizer, the ailing drug maker.

On the final night of the event, all guests received free gift bags containing diamond earrings, an iPod Nano pre-loaded with the sounds of Zulus being slaughtered, and gold plated bones of several unident