COMMENTARY: My Ribbed, Lubricated Entry into the Presidential Race [Part 1]

A lot of people are asking why I haven’t been writing as many faktorials lately. I assure you it’s not because of my recent appearance on Dateline NBC. (For the record, it’s not my fault it takes lots of Tootsie Rolls, ribbed Trojans, and chloroform-soaked rags to bond with the MySpace generation.) The real reason for my disappearance is I’ve been making big plans. I am hereby announcing the formation of a depilatory committee to groom me for the White House. In the immortal words of my hero and mentor, Notorious B.L.T., ‘I’s gonna be yo’ PrEZyDENT, beeeyach!!’

You might be wondering what qualifies me to be your Fuhrer. Exhibit A: George W. Bush. He’s dumber than calamari. I can’t even look at him anymore, without imagining him dipped in buttermilk and cornmeal. This is not a tough act to follow. It’s a miracle I don’t have visions of walking through walls, bending space and time, or liberating the demoralized muskrat on top of Donald Trump.

Fortunately, I have so many brilliant ideas that I have to split my platform into two faktorials. Today, my domestic manifesto:

1. Illegal Immigration

Holy sh*t – you mean some dude just crawled from Mexico for 5 hours, under barbed wire, to pick my oranges!!! How freaking awesome is that?!? I love Tropicana! I don’t know anyone else clamoring to pick those oranges, do you? I won’t even get up to find the remote control. I’ll sit through hours of incredibly gay programming on Bravo, until I have to pee. Even then, I spend a minute pondering the physics of using that empty Snapple bottle that seems almost within range...almost.

Verdict: I love immigrants! The more illegal, the less I have to tip them! My plan is to educate them, groom them, and teach them calculus until they can invent a remote that lovingly jumps into my arms and allows me to reduce my gay programming intake, at least until the batteries die. Miguel? Miguel!! Donde estan los Alkalines?

2. Healthcare Reform

Yeah, I saw Sicko. I understand the problem. How can the fattest filmmaker in America be the face of healthcare reform? It’s clear I have to do something. If for no other reason, than because I’m marginally less bloated. (Mike – have you considered a fruit? Any will do. A grape? Try it without the butter.)

My plan to reform healthcare is two pronged. Literally. I will make 4-pronged forks illegal. My research tells me that two-pronged forks will increase food-fork slippage by 40%. If my math is right, more food on the floor = less food in your big fat, wretched gullet!

My other solution? Eliminate doctors! It seems their greed is causing the price of healthcare to spiral out of control. Those poor HMO’s have to spend precious resources riding these lethargic “caregivers”. I say if you can’t get from A) Naked Patient to B) Washing Your Index Finger, in less than 4 minutes, you’re no Jenna Jameson, Doc.

Under my administration, you’ll be able to go straight into Cigna’s headquarters and have one of their secretaries cup your genitals and have you cough. It will be considerably cheaper. The best part is that the secretary can then immediately process your claim – no extra administration! No doctors! No hernia!! Probably.

3. Energy Independence

Are you tired of killing Arabs in the hopes of saving at the pump? I know I am. I thought for sure that last Texaco manager would shoot back. My solution? It’s the dirty word no politician wants to use. No, not Motherf^%&er. Conservation. It’s time everyone used smaller cars. Unless you have a lumberyard or a platinum rap album, there’s no reason for you to drive an Escalade. I propose government investment in wind-powered, “sail-cars”. You might get home, or you might drift towards the Panama Canal. Either way, America wins.

Also, instead of unnecessary leisure travel, I propose tapping into the most plentiful resource on Earth - Japanese vacation photos. By partnering with Japan and Google Maps, we can superimpose your fat family on top of a much smaller, trimmer Japanese one and voila! Instant vacation, without the waste.

4. Government Reform

I’m tired of corporate interests subverting our democracy with their bribes, lobbyists, and loose-lipped D.C. hookers. We need to give control back to the people. The little people. I mean that literally. After watching ‘Little People, Big World’ on TLC, I realized that the only noble people left on Earth are dwarves (and probably elves and trolls, but they don’t have a show yet.). I propose an entire government of legislators no taller than 4 foot 11 inches. Not only will they lead justly, but they’re cheaper to maintain and you can send fourth graders to kick their asses if they screw up.

Coming soon: ‘Part 2 - Jews for Jihad’. How my presidency can stop terrorism, nuclear proliferation, and Al Gore. You’ll never look at a warhead the same way again.


By Faktorial.com – where elves and trolls turn for political empowerment.

read the rest of this faktorial here!

COMMENTARY: Is Mitt Romney Slowly Turning Me Gay?

Yes, it's that time again - when the huddled masses turn to faktorial.com for a deep, penetrating, and wonderfully sloppy Presidential endorsement. Much like foreplay with a cannibal, we're gonna take this one slow. Today, you'll get my take on the Gay Old Party. Six years under Sith Lord Rove and Darth Cheney and I've completely lost my taste for Bush.

Today’s Republicans are a funny bunch. Not “ha-ha” funny. More of a “get ammo at Wal-Mart, shoot illegal Mexicans, and torture A-rabs” kind of funny. Their convention is increasingly dominated by people who believe dinosaurs, Adam and Eve, and Spartacus fought over apples at the Olive Garden, circa 1492.

When catering to nuts, we should cut the presidential candidates a little slack. When Mike Huckabee proposes arming toddlers to hunt non-pregnant, illegals from July through October, take heart. You can safely assume he really means August. (Note to Blanca Rodriguez: follow the map on the back of your sonogram to safety. And, RUN!! ANDALE!!)

In this week's debate, candidates were asked to raise their hands if they didn't believe in evolution. Three raised their hands! WHAAAT?!?? Leading gullible Americans down the path of ignorance is an act of treason. When their hands went up, I half-expected the midget from Jackass to run onstage and staple Sam Brownback's scrotum to the podium. No such luck. We'll have to wait for the DVD extras.

PROUD PAPA RUDY

Wearing his best crotch-less pandering panties and a matching purse, Giuliani came up with a doozy. When asked about abortion rights, which he supports (and will continue to), he said (I'm paraphrasing), "Oompa Loompa, you're baby's a clot. If you have a plunger, you can use it or not."

Why insult our intelligent design, Rudy? Wouldn't conservatives respect you more if you just said what you really believe? And, that you're not just a one issue candidate, but you also took a lot of photos near Ground Zero.

Giuliani would be great if there were Guidos overcharging for garbage collection in Georgetown. Or, if strippers tried selling fish 10 yards from the Pentagon. Sadly, he's not a visionary. He's like an upscale bouncer - great with brass knuckles, but a little scary with warheads, or strappy red pumps.

LOVIN’ MITT

Isn't Mitt Romney puuurrrty? I think they came up with the "60 is the new 40" expression just for him. Of course, I've seen the other ten million 60 year olds. They all look like Don Imus and are counting the days until bus fare is half price.

Don't get me wrong, Romney is a good businessman and a smart guy...except for believing in magical, gold plates and a unicorn named Luigi. No, he's not perfect, but he looks the part. He's got great hair, perfect teeth, an olive tan. I might not vote for him, but I'm eerily close to rubbing Coppertone on his back.

JOHNNY MAVERICK

What happened to our Maverick McCain? He seems old and looks like his diaper’s full of compromises. He's also the only one enthusiastic about Bush's new Iraq "strategy". Adding troops to a civil war and calling it a "strategy" is like adding “thoughtless little pig” at the end of a voicemail to your 11 year old daughter and calling it “parenting”.

I still respect McCain, but old farts should never be president. They just don't give a crap and are prone to Viagra rage. Imagine having a shiny, new boner and the only place you can park it is inside a 75 year old! If grandpa sex didn't feel like throwing a pencil into a shopping bag, Rumsfeld might not have pointed his WMD at Iraq.

THE REST (IN PEACE)

The one guy I really like is Dr. Ron Paul - a real conservative, not a Noah’s Ark refugee. He's for balanced budgets, Darwin, and for individually wrapping those chalky mints at the Chinese restaurant. He's also the only Republican to have voted against both the war in Iraq and Sanjaya on American Idol. Unfortunately, he's got as much of a chance of winning as McCain does of juggling three torches while riding Sam Bareback. ....another white middle-aged male marginalized by society, living on a pile of shattered hopes.

Speaking of which, way to diversify, Republicans! Put a Thai tranny or an Ecuadorian dwarf up there. At least make it look like you tried. Of course, I kid. Everyone knows all the good diversity candidates are already booked on the Howard Stern Show.

As for the other Republicans, they're just looking to get away from their families for a few months. Combined, they've raised enough money for a Best Western with 3 cots, a Durex Snug Fit Value Pak, and a timeshare with a DC hooker, who promises to be completely discreet…really.

Finally, Fred Thompson, stay home! No one will vote for you just because you're on TV. The American people are smarter than that. You've never even worked with a monkey half as talented as Bonzo!


Coming Soon:

Part 2: Poking, Prodding, Dissecting (OK…and Fondling a Few) Democrats

Part 3: The Coveted Faktorial.com Endorsement


By Faktorial.com - where we’d never actually fondle a Democrat...without a parental signature or the express, written consent of Major League Baseball.

read the rest of this faktorial here!

How I Fell in Love with Ann Coulter

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was channel surfing and there she was. A guest on Real Time with Bill Maher. Those long, sexy legs. Flowing, gilded blond hair. I cranked up the volume. From the moment I heard her sweet, luscious voice utter, "Bill Clinton is a child rapist", I knew she was The One.

I had to learn everything I could about my Golden Princess. I bought all her books - "Why Jews Killed Christ and Made GefilteChrist From His Kidneys", "Torture, Schmorture: How I Extract Truth From One Arab a Day and Still Keep My Day Job", and her classic, "Hey Hillary, There's a Coat Hanger in My Bloody Fetus." If Charlotte Bronte had balls, or Joseph Goebbels a word processor, they could only dream of being Ann Coulter.

Once I learned all I could about my Ann, I made plans to attend all of her appearances. I knew that as soon as she noticed my intense, cross-eyed gaze, she'd call me a 'dirty fag' and we'd fall madly in love. If only it were so.

The first appearance I attended was a NASCAR rally. It didn't go well. Apparently, Ann had many suitors competing for her attention. Each showed up with as much, or more, CoulterCuntry.com paraphernalia than I had - the exploding JFK head, old detonators from abortion clinic bombings, even her new ObamaNation Thermos, which turns black around black people and white around whites. These people had way more resources than I did. I had to take drastic measures. I killed four of them. Clearly, I would not have enough emotional energy, or room in my van, for My Dearest Ann.

I decided to try a different tact. Luckily, it was election season and Ann was guest-hating on a number of TV shows. I watched them all. I took careful notes on every American enemy she'd mention - John Murtha...Nancy Pelosi...Carrot Top.

It was harder and more expensive to "get to" these America-haters than I thought. So, I did the next best thing. I found their families. Within a week, I sent My Love two dozen black roses and ten severed pinkies inside a beautiful vase made of 97% pure Iraqi prisoner bone. It would be the first thing she saw when she opened her crypt at sundown. I was so in!!!

It did not take long for the cops to arrive at my shed.

As I sit in my cell, my Dear Sweet Ann, oh how I long for thee. Each day I dream of waking up to the sound of you calling me a n**ger-lover or a weak-willed, liberal c*ck-s*cker. The melodic flow of your Adam's apple is fused into my memory. I long to be enveloped in your warm, bodacious bile. Hold me. Scrape your name into my back with your serpentine claws. Love me, Ann. Love me like Pudgy Brown, my cell-mate, never, ever could.

by Faktorial.com - where we know a girl with serpentine claws is a keeper.

The Blog | Arianna Huffington: Has Ann Coulter (Finally) Had Her Macaca Moment? | The Huffington Post

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COMMENTARY: Ethiopia HAS JETS!!!! JETS!!!!!

Call me ignorant, but I just learned something AMAZING! ETHIOPIA HAS JETS!!! AND TANKS!!! Remember Ethiopia? It's been the punch-line of every poverty joke since Sally Struthers ingested her very first foreign aid convoy. Yes, the Ethiopia famous for images of starving children surrounded by flies, dysentery and Madonna - has just attacked Somalia with its JETS!!

Let's be clear about this, even relatively stable countries like South Africa, Zaire and Kenya have tons of problems like mass-corruption, oodles of AIDS, and Ivory poachers – good soap doesn’t make itself, kids. I digress. In their Starbucks tip jar of an economy, Ethiopia has found it in their budget to attack Somalia, the Bronze Medalist in the Malnutrition Olympics.

And guess what – the US is funding it. You see Somalia has an Islamist regime and Ethiopia has a Christian one. So this Christmas, we praise our Lord and give tanks. Of course, this could easily explode into a regional conflict, like our ticking towel bomb in the Middle East. Seems like it's just a matter of time before Spike Lee starts making sense. You know, about the white conspiracy.*

*Note: White people: Shhhh!! Remember what we discussed at The Meeting!

The one conspiracy I do see is that religion, once again, is wiping out enemies in the name of Mohamed or Jesus or Jah or Ja-Rule. Good! Until every hut and home can agree on a non-denominational holiday twig, I say, let the least crazy zealot win! I call this my Nimrod Upgrade Theory (N.U.T.), Release 1.0.7.

So what is my N.U.T. all about? Simply, it says that regimes with a selection of soft, quilted bathroom tissue should be supported over ones whose women are granted less peripheral vision than mules. Sure, Christian fundamentalists in the U.S. blow up an occasional abortion clinic. At least we have condoms, even flavored ones for the discerning palate. By comparison, many Islamic regimes stone rape victims - because it’s illegal to cheat on your husband. Neither is ideal, but one is clearly better. N.U.T. states that you support the least wacky combatant until a more sensible one comes along. Give it three to four thousand years and these faktorials will probably be written in Cantonese.

Back to Ethiopia versus Somalia. Neither has a Four Seasons resort, a selection of delicious Entenmann’s pastries or anyone as talented as Beyonce - she dances, she sings, she acts. However, Ethiopia more adequately reflects our good old-fashioned Christian values. So, arm them to the teeth and let them go at it. Tank vs. machete. F-16 vs. catapult.

This makes me nostalgic for the good old days of American foreign policy – and what we should have done in Iraq – arm the side we like most. When they screw up, arm their enemies. This whole thing just makes me want to spoon with Daniel Ortega and Ollie North.


By faktorial.com – where we only spoon in the name of liberty.

posted by Faktorial.com @ Wednesday, December 27, 2006 comments

(scroll down to see full NY Times story below)






Ethiopia Hits Somali Targets, Declaring War
By JEFFREY GETTLEMAN

Associated Press

The bodies of Islamist fighters, top, lay Sunday near Idaale, Somalia. Ethiopian warplanes struck deep inside Somalia territory, and tanks pushed farther into towns, in support of Somalia’s interim government.

ZANZIBAR, Tanzania, Dec. 24 — Ethiopia officially plunged into war with Somalia’s Islamist forces on Sunday, bombing targets inside Somalia and pushing ground troops deep into Somali territory in a major escalation that could turn Somalia’s internal crisis into a violent religious conflict that engulfs the entire Horn of Africa.

The coordinated assault was the first open admission by Ethiopia’s Christian-led government of its military operations inside Somalia, where — with tacit American support — it has been helping a weak interim government threatened by forces loyal to the Islamic clerics who control the longtime capital, Mogadishu, and much of the country.

Ethiopia’s prime minister, Meles Zenawi, said in a televised broadcast that he had ordered the action because he had no choice.

“Ethiopian defense forces were forced to enter into war to protect the sovereignty of the nation,” he said. “We are not trying to set up a government for Somalia, nor do we have an intention to meddle in Somalia’s internal affairs. We have only been forced by the circumstances.”

According to witnesses, Ethiopian fighter jets bombarded several towns, obliterating an Islamist recruitment center and other targets, while Ethiopian tanks rolled into battle. The attacks set off riots in Mogadishu, Somalia’s battle-scarred seaside capital, and fighting on several fronts in southern Somalia.

Ethiopia, which commands the region’s most powerful military, did not disclose how many troops, tanks or planes it had sent into Somalia, but the United Nations has said at least 8,000 Ethiopian soldiers may be in the country. Casualties were reported Sunday, but reliable estimates were impossible to ascertain.

Until now, Ethiopian officials had denied that they had any combat forces inside Somalia, saying instead that their involvement was limited to a few hundred military advisers.

Over the past few months, the Islamist clerics in Somalia have threatened Ethiopia for supporting their rivals, the internationally recognized transitional government.

On Saturday, after several days of heavy internal fighting, Islamist leaders announced that Somalia was now open to Muslim fighters around the world who wanted to wage a holy war against Ethiopia, a country with a long Christian history, even though it is about half Muslim.

“What did you expect us to do?” said Zemedkun Tekle, a spokesman for Ethiopia’s information ministry. “Wait for them to attack our cities?”

Even before Ethiopia’s escalation on Sunday, there were alarming signs that the conflict in Somalia could quickly spiral out of control. According to United Nations officials, at least 2,000 soldiers from Eritrea, which recently waged war with Ethiopia, are fighting for the Islamists. They have been joined by a growing number of Muslim mercenaries from Yemen, Egypt, Syria and Libya who want to turn Somalia into the third front of holy war, after Iraq and Afghanistan.

On Friday, residents of Mogadishu said they saw boatloads of armed men landing on the city’s rocky beaches. On Sunday, after the bombings, Islamist leaders boasted of bringing in more. Still, from the Ethiopian government’s viewpoint, the bombings may be delivering at least some of the desired effect.

For the first time since the Islamists came to power in Somalia in June and rapidly began expanding their reach, they seemed to be losing ground. In at least three places on Sunday — Idaale, Jawil and Bandiiradley — transitional government troops were pushing the Islamists back.

Residents of Beledweyne, near the Ethiopian border, said that after the Ethiopian jets pounded several armed pickup trucks belonging to the Islamists, the rest of the Islamist soldiers fled to the hills.

The bombs also destroyed a recruitment center and a fuel depot, killing at least 10 people, witnesses reported. Hours later, the transitional troops marched into the area, and a new mayor was installed.

Many of Beledweyne’s people seemed relieved, not so much about the change in government, but because the fighting appeared to have ended so fast.

“We’re so sick of war,” said Ahmed Issa, a shopkeeper in Beledweyne. “We’ll obey anybody.”

Much of Somalia has been mired in anarchy since 1991, when the central government collapsed, setting off a long, nasty interclan war. While the United Nations and donor countries struggled to get a new government on its feet, a grass-roots movement of Islamic courts began to gain power.

After Islamist leaders defeated the last of Mogadishu’s warlords, they immediately restored a sense of law and order unheard of in the capital for 15 years. Then they began pushing outward, eventually reaching the outskirts of Baidoa, the seat of the transitional government.

The transitional government has never been popular, and its military forces are divided between rival politicians, many of whom spend the majority of their time outside of Somalia. This summer, Ethiopia began slipping soldiers across the border to protect both the transitional government and Ethiopia itself.

The Islamists had threatened to liberate Somali-speaking areas of Ethiopia and stir up Ethiopia’s Muslim population.

American officials acknowledged that they tacitly supported Ethiopia’s approach because they felt it was the best way to check the growing power of the Islamists, whom American officials have accused of sheltering terrorists tied with Al Qaeda. A State Department spokesperson in Washington said Sunday that the United States was assessing reports of the surge in fighting in Somalia but provided no further comment.

A major question going forward seems to be whether Ethiopian forces will advance into Mogadishu and try to finish off the Islamist military, a possibility that many fear could spur a long and ugly insurgency, or simply deal the Islamists enough of a blow to force them back to negotiations with the transitional government.

The rival authorities in Somalia have flirted with the idea of sharing power, but several rounds of peace talks have produced little but broken promises.

In a hint of a possible direction to come, Ethiopia’s prime minister recently told American officials that he could wipe out the Islamists “ in one to two weeks.”

But many analysts fear that the presence of Ethiopian troops in Somalia will only make matters worse, because of the history of conflict between Ethiopians and Somalis. The two nations have battled over contested border areas before, and the difference of religions, with Somalia almost purely Muslim, has often been an aggravating factor.

On Sunday, as word began to spread that Ethiopian planes were bombing Somalia, students in Mogadishu rushed into the streets and began rioting. They kicked in doors and smashed plate glass windows, yelling at the few shopkeepers still open: “This is not time for business! This is time for war!”

The Islamists are using teenagers as their main fighting force. Last week, right after heavy combat began between the Islamist troops and the transitional government forces, Islamist leaders closed all schools in Mogadishu to funnel more young people into battle.

Witnesses in frontline areas have said that waves of young, poorly trained Islamist fighters have been mowed down by Ethiopian troops. Ethiopia’s military is trained by American advisers and is supplied with millions of dollars of American aid.

On Sunday, Abdulrahim Ali Modei, the Islamists’ information minister, conceded at a news conference that many of the Islamist troops had been killed, but he did not sound discouraged.

“These are victories,” he said. “Our soldiers are in paradise now.”

Yussuf Maxamuud and Mohammed Ibrahim contributed reporting from Mogadishu, Somalia.

read the rest of this faktorial here!

Six Dead in Rumsfeld’s First Week as Girl Scout Leader

Washington D.C. - What began as a street fair to raise money and awareness for Girl Scouts, ended in mayhem and tragedy. Six scouts died and dozens were trampled by a hostile, hungry mob. The girls had run out of cookies. Unfazed by the absence of additional vendors, Donald Rumsfeld saw no reason to postpone his inaugural event as the group’s new President. The 74-year old Rumsfeld, who was fired as Defense Secretary for making Saddam Hussein look brilliant, recently jumped at the chance to practice his innovative, tactical strategies on pliable, pre-pubescent girls.

Anne Kirkland, who attended the fair with her daughter Ashley, knew immediately something was amiss. "I’ve been to over twenty of these. You normally see the same crafts and clothing vendors and tons of food stands. You know, the big-breasted Italian sausage guy, the scruffy Middle Eastern guy with dirty fingernails juicing pineapples, and that Vietnamese couple serving brown skewers of something that could catch a Frisbee. This time, all I saw was ten girls selling cookies.”

“Just before the awning collapsed, I remember an obese woman pounding on the counter, yelling for Macaroons,” sobbed Mrs. Kirkland. “One of the girls peed in her uniform. That’s like four demerits. By the time the Mallomars ran out, the place looked like Fallujah.”

At a press conference this morning, Mr. Rumsfeld deflected criticism of the event. "I wouldn't have changed a thing. Sure, I expected to find BLT’s. My intelligence experts insisted there’d be BLT’s, KFC’s, PB&J’s, and BBQ’s, but there weren’t.” He added, “This is war, people. You go in with the cookies you have, not the cookies you want.”

Mr. Rumsfeld also outlined his plan to “reduce dependence on foreign pastries and develop a smaller, swifter force that can handle hostile snacking environments with minimal pedocide." He emphasized, “We can’t have a bunch of weak, lily-livered, cookie mongers piss and run at the first sign of anarchy, like little girls or Democrats.”

To realize his vision, Mr. Rumsfeld announced partnerships with Belarus, Kazakhstan, and Barbados, who agreed to provide moral support and five scouts each, to help stabilize the next street fair. Boris Sagdiyev, Kazakhstan’s Minister of Education noted, “We are very proud to help glorious nation of Girl Scout. We insure Lord Rumsfield that despite their mustaches, pregnant belly, and lumpy vagines, scouts from Kazakhstan is definitely girls. High five! “ Mr. Sagdiyev added, “We very much excite to teach American girl to shoot dog, pull plow, and make traditional meal of ferment gypsy livers with onion and goat testes. Great success!”

by faktorial.com – where Macaroons and goat testes coexist in peace and harmony

read the rest of this faktorial here!

Planet of the Steaks, November 2062

What began as an effort to comfort and pamper livestock before slaughter, has led to an epic battle for animal civil rights. Moolcolm X, the rebellious organizer of last week’s Million Cow Munch, a defiant grazing event in Woodstock New York, has demanded an end to all animal consumption and teat-pulling.

Seeds of the animal liberation movement were planted in late 2006 when farmers began building spas, hoof salons, and dance studios for their cows, pigs, and goats. Some chickens even received grief counseling after their eggs were taken away. At first, the programs helped guilty carnivores feel good about themselves and their $75 porterhouse. Consumers even paid hefty premiums for meat that died with comprehensive dental benefits, a 401K plan, and a shared passion for Desperate Housewives and CSI: Miami.

Difficulties surfaced around 2020, when some farm animals developed stubborn preferences. Sloppy pigs would only watch the NFL or Home Shopping Network. Lazy cows refused to be milked until they saw an entire Rachel Ray Show. Strangely, goats were mesmerized by Al Jazeera. Many would chew through their ropes and ram their horns through the TV whenever they saw Jews. Hundreds of anti-Semitic goats died this way until farmers agreed to let them wear their beards long, observe Ramadan, and wear burkas in their ID photos.

Soon farm animals began to acquire basic speech and critical thinking patterns not unlike those of Born-Again Kansasonians. In 2035, after earning his Grade Equivalency Degree, Sir Loin became England’s first non-human to be knighted since Keith Richards.

Sir Loin’s achievements inspired and emboldened animals around the world. Bovine everywhere demanded education and jobs that did not begin with their teats and end with Worcestershire sauce. Under legal pressure from PETA and the ACLU, Sir Loin became the first buffalo to compete on ‘F**king with the Stars’, a FOX reality series. (In an emotional finale, Sir Loin was soundly out-f**ked by Cody Lee-Gifford and lost.)

Animal achievements extended to all species. In 2047, Flipper Finkelstein, an Orthodox dolphin, was credited with restructuring Best Buy’s lackluster customer service division. His accomplishment was somewhat tarnished when the company took an $8B loss on electronics damaged when several stores were filled with water to accommodate new, amphibious sales reps.

Not all animals have excelled. Chickens still prefer to spend their days walking into walls and defecating on each other. Experts predict that their defiant clucks will ultimately doom humanity to a life of tofu consumption. While tofu is not generally believed to crave independence, scientists are studying the matter.

Fearing reprisals from his flock, one Nebraska farmer ruminated anonymously on the controversy, “Over thousands of years, we were hunters who won the right to eat anything we wanted. Now, we’ve squandered our evolutionary victory. I’m going to scream if I see another cockroach with a picket sign!”

Ming Tso, a Chinese farmer had a much different perspective, “We invite our most educated animals over for drinks and passionate debate. Then, we kill and eat them down to the eyeballs. Over rice.”


by faktorial.com – where there’s nothing we wouldn’t barbecue. nothing.


From the New York Times:

Meat Labels Hope to Lure the Sensitive Carnivore

read the rest of this faktorial here!

COMMENTARY: How I Plan to Protect the Children...Those Little Bastards

It's Time We Eliminate the Limitless Supply of Victims

If there’s anything we’ve learned over the past few days, it’s that kids are leading America to ruin. This week alone, we lost Mark Foley, a respected Congressman, who succumbed to a House full of nubile, hairless, teen bait. Then, a father of three was driven to madness and murder by a school full of little Amish temptresses. These are not isolated examples. There are juvenile operatives all over this country targeting effeminate politicians, marginal celebrities and our uniquely American brand of denial and homosexual suppression. They must be stopped. Kids have surpassed terrorism as the greatest threat to our democracy and they must be stopped. I say, you’re either with us, or you’re with the children.

Consider the case of Mark Foley. The man sacrificed marriage, family, and countless hours on his Blackberry to crusade against child predators, nudist camps, and skinny dipping. Certainly there were no signs that anything was amiss. Then, after a few suggestive e-mails to a boy or two, every Republican abandons ship as if it were just boarded by the cast of Rent. When things were going well, Hastert, Bush, and company were perfectly happy getting political lap dances from Mr. Foley. That is, until something lumpy brushed against their cheeks and they suddenly realized they were in Lucky Cheng’s. Even Al Michaels dutifully stood by OJ until all the bloody gloves came back from the Laundromat. Luckily, OJ wasn’t victimized by a bunch of underage terrorteens or he’d never have gotten that second chance to look for the real killer.

Everywhere you turn, scantily-clad kids are flailed in front of weak-willed adults. Like Jews and liquor dangled in front of Mel Gibson, they hope to corrupt our Christian values and expose the Woody (Allen) throbbing beneath the surface. We’re surrounded. Calvin Klein ads, kiddy beauty pageants, Little League, and Pimp My Laguna Sweet 16 on MTV. No doubt the Amish killer, like many sexually repressed Americans, was fully prepared to lead perfectly normal, secret life, until those butter-churning vamps got to him. (Brief word to the Amish: GET A PHONE! …they’re big fans of faktorial.com).

Consider all we’ve lost because of our reckless coddling of children:

• Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher deprived us of Joey Buttafuoco, one of our nation’s greatest mechanics.
• Suggestively attired Jon Benet, continues to claim victims – even after her death. Innocent perverts from around the world still clamor to stand in her spotlight.
• Kids were used as weapons to take Michael Jackson away from us. We now sit in silence, deprived of his music and sexually ambiguous dancing. The whole ordeal nearly turned him white.
• It was also children who made us feel bad about seeing sister Janet’s breast at the Super Bowl. I refuse to feel bad about a seeing a breast ever again, unless it’s Bea Arthur’s or Jason Alexander’s!
• Jerry Lee Lewis married a 12 year old. Maybe his great balls caught fire, but it took him 35 years to put out a new album.
• Remember Joe Piscopo? Eddie Murphy doesn’t. Joe married his babysitter, whom he met when she was 14. Heard any funny jokes from Joe lately?

See my point? Dare I even count all the priests we’ve lost?

Sure, I know what you’re thinking, ‘who can be against kids?’, considering everything they’ve contributed to our culture. If not for kids, we wouldn’t have Raffi, Barney and Teletubbies. I’d argue that without kids, we wouldn’t have Raffi, Barney OR Teletubbies!! Case closed.

Before another piñata gets filled with condoms and chloroform for the next Congressional Page Mixer, it’s time we took a stand. It’s not enough to just hope no one exhumes a decomposed boy scout troop from Trent Lott’s back yard. We must childproof this country like the crate of Vicodin at Rush Limbaugh’s house:

1. Seal our borders – not from Mexicans, as Pat Buchanan insists, but from all the children that slip into this country every day through birth canals, c-sections, and Britney Spears.

2. The President must declare a state of emergency and send troops (or crossing guards – whoever’s not in yet Iraq) into every school, arcade and rectory to apprehend the most tempting children. The kids would then be sent to Jesus Camp at Guantanamo until they reach the age of consent. (And, I’m not talking about Alabama where it’s 12. I’m talking Tehran, where it’s 34.) Of course, the kids would be afforded all the cushy niceties allowed by the Geneva convention, unless we need to get them to talk.

3. For any kids we do keep around, they must be clad in head-to-toe burkas so they do not act as objects of desire.

I believe this approach will allow us to reclaim this nation's grand, Puritanical heritage. Finally, homosexuals can proudly return to their closets and sit there, quietly. Sure, some may deem this harsh. I deem it a glorious return to the 1950's, a Golden Age for real Americans like Herbert Hoover and Rock Hudson . It was a time when sissy nonsense like tolerance-mongering and compassionate parenting were just fruity fantasies. Together, we can bring those times back. Can you imagine a world where even the most spectacular perverts are safe from children? I can. If not for us, for God sakes, let's do it for the children.

- by faktorial.com – where common sense and satire stare at each other in uncomfortable silence

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COMMENTARY: Mustafa, Show Me the Lubriderm!

Seems like the last faktorial, US & Britain Bans Passengers from All Flights got a few readers all riled up. Good! Apparently, I failed to thank the government for taking away my Clearasil in the name of safety. As I finger a budding, but unaddressable zit on my flight home, I'll explain why these new rules are actually making us LESS safe and considerably uglier.

Any time or resources spent prying creamy, delicious Skippy peanut butter from the bloated carcasses of Midwestern tourists is time NOT spent targeting real threats to our national security, like disgruntled Pakistanis, Scientologists and flamboyant priests. As a result, we DIVERT precious resources AWAY from those plotting terror or those planning to chase Mikey Jr. around the rectory.

This is a pivotal moment for us all...are we really prepared to sacrifice our lives for the illusion of safety? Have we gotten so politically correct that we can’t admit that twitchy Mustafa's Lubriderm needs a little more attention than Jessica Simpson's Proactiv? Everyone knows pretty girls don't explode.

Before you drop your tofu, my righteous, liberal friend, take a walk on the Dark Side with me. Let's explore every Southern Republican's secret solution to ending crime: stopping every black male who's ever been in or near a Mercedes. That's right, we're talking profiling, but the good kind.

Profiling, when done right, is not about race or targeting a particular type of person, it's about subjugating minorities. Kidding. Actually, it's more like using Match.com to find a vegan girl who likes surfing. It doesn't mean you have anything against meat eaters or snow-boarders. (It does mean you'll be alone forever since no one's ever seen a vegan strong enough to swim.) My point is terror profiling should not be malicious or discriminatory. It's a way to find patterns of behaviors and characteristics that make finding malicious Arabs fun and exciting.

We'd be foolish to think profiling isn't happening already. Everyone pretends like Mohammed didn't just trigger a massive silent alarm. Instead, we wait and watch Chinese grandmothers and exotic dancers named Violet get deprived of their rightful ointments. Everyone waits - including poor Mohammed, who's now late for a business dinner.

My solution?

1. Stop calling ex-Wal-Mart clerks "security agents". Hire real agents, or at least Target's Employee of the Month.
   
2. Have El-Al train these new agents to find real terrorist threats, not toothpaste.
3. Stop insulting our intelligence with pointless searches. Don't you think Mickey Rourke's embarrassed enough flying coach?

And, if I happen to fit the profile they're looking for, then cavity search me. Over and over, if you have to. 'Till you find my weapon, or until we're officially in a relationship.

So, let that creepy, sunburned cougar woman have her moisturizer...please.

by faktorial.com - where both Liberals and Conservatives get free shelter, a warm meal and a big, wet kiss

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US & Britain Ban Passengers on All Flights

Today, the Department of Homeland Security announced that until further notice, all passengers will be banned from domestic and international flights. A five week investigation led by US and British authorities uncovered that all 10 suspected terror cells planned to blow up planes using one common weapon: passengers.

In his press conference this afternoon, President Bush did not mince words, "It's clear we must stop evil-doer passengers from hurting good-doer passengers. This is difficult. We have instructated all airport personnel to separate 'passengers' from 'non-passengers'. Folks identified as non-passengers such as razor blades, shoes, iPods and liquid will be allowed to fly. Folks deemed to be passengers must be disposed of at the terminal."

John Eldridge, a senior British security official, stated that one risk remains: pilots and flight attendants. "A ban on flight crews is not completely out of the question. A suicidal pilot could endanger the lives of 436 razor blades, 211 bottles of shampoo, and 305 liters of moisturizer with one carefully placed explosive."

An anonymous security official for Israel's El-Al, widely considered the world's most secure airline, laughed at the new policy. "We just stop and search all the Arabs," he stated. "We plan to continue allowing passengers and grooming products onboard our planes."

FedEx and UPS also complained that the new policy would create unfair competition by effectively turning passenger airlines into shipping companies. In response, FedEx and UPS have decided to enter the "human transport" business, where properly packed individuals will ship for $2 to $ 4 per pound, depending on the destination.

As soon as he heard about the new service, Jack Larsen, 28, of Cleveland rushed to his local FedEx Kinko's. He hoped to ship himself to London, where his razor blades and luggage are now on vacation. As Mr. Larsen's sister packed him into his cardboard and foam-peanut cocoon, Mr. Larsen echoed the frustration of fellow travelers, "$430 to have your carry-ons fly Coach while you fly Crate is just absurd. I just hope my toiletries don't raid the hotel mini-bar before I get there."


By faktorial.com - where the truth hurts - a lot!

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US Poll Proves Earth is Flat

Earth is Flat: Poll Completely Scientific With Charts And Everything

In a poll released today, 64% of Americans believe the earth is flat. Fourteen percent believed it was very, very flat. Six percent ate the survey form. Despite centuries of globular representations of the earth, telescopic photos of other planets, and photos from the Space Shuttle clearly showing a round earth, American public opinion begs to differ.

In response to the survey results, Republican senator Bill Frist proposed a Constitutional amendment to change public school textbooks to reflect the new findings. "At the very least, I believe the flat earth theory should be taught alongside the so-called round-earth theory," proposed the senator. "However, we must never forget all those brave European explorers whose ships fell off the edge of the earth in the 1500's and 1600's. I will forever honor their sacrifices, as long as there is oxygen in my kidneys and blood surges through my lymph nodes."

In Kansas, the state best known for replacing its evolution curriculum with creationism, held a massive rally to celebrate the survey. Revelers brought thousands of globes, which were flattened under a giant steamroller. Attendees proudly waved maps and signs like "Flatt iz Beutifull", "Tich Our Childrens Well" and "Sun? What sun??".

In a related story, a Korean elementary school class was awarded first place at the World Science Forum for using dinosaur fossils to clone a T-Rex. In response to videotape of the achievement, Pat Robertson, of The Christian Coalition, denied the existence of fossils, dinosaurs and Koreans.


--> For more unadulterated, satirical brilliance, visit www.faktorial.com - always original, never bashful. Never.

Think this fake story is far fetched? See the article below from today's New York Times. Shocking...
_______________________________________________








New York Times:

Teaching of Creationism Is Endorsed in New Survey


By LAURIE GOODSTEIN
Published: August 31, 2005

In a finding that is likely to intensify the debate over what to teach students about the origins of life, a poll released yesterday found that nearly two-thirds of Americans say that creationism should be taught alongside evolution in public schools.

The poll found that 42 percent of respondents held strict creationist views, agreeing that "living things have existed in their present form since the beginning of time."

In contrast, 48 percent said they believed that humans had evolved over time. But of those, 18 percent said that evolution was "guided by a supreme being," and 26 percent said that evolution occurred through natural selection. In all, 64 percent said they were open to the idea of teaching creationism in addition to evolution, while 38 percent favored replacing evolution with creationism.

The poll was conducted July 7-17 by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life and the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press. The questions about evolution were asked of 2,000 people. The margin of error was 2.5 percentage points.

John C. Green, a senior fellow at the Pew Forum, said he was surprised to see that teaching both evolution and creationism was favored not only by conservative Christians, but also by majorities of secular respondents, liberal Democrats and those who accept the theory of natural selection. Mr. Green called it a reflection of "American pragmatism."

"It's like they're saying, 'Some people see it this way, some see it that way, so just teach it all and let the kids figure it out.' It seems like a nice compromise, but it infuriates both the creationists and the scientists," said Mr. Green, who is also a professor at the University of Akron in Ohio.

Eugenie C. Scott, the director of the National Center for Science Education and a prominent defender of evolution, said the findings were not surprising because "Americans react very positively to the fairness or equal time kind of argument."

"In fact, it's the strongest thing that creationists have got going for them because their science is dismal," Ms. Scott said. "But they do have American culture on their side."

This year, the National Center for Science Education has tracked 70 new controversies over evolution in 26 states, some in school districts, others in the state legislatures.

President Bush joined the debate on Aug. 2, telling reporters that both evolution and the theory of intelligent design should be taught in schools "so people can understand what the debate is about."

Senator Bill Frist of Tennessee, the Republican leader, took the same position a few weeks later.

Intelligent design, a descendant of creationism, is the belief that life is so intricate that only a supreme being could have designed it.

The poll showed 41 percent of respondents wanted parents to have the primary say over how evolution is taught, compared with 28 percent who said teachers and scientists should decide and 21 percent who said school boards should. Asked whether they believed creationism should be taught instead of evolution, 38 percent were in favor, and 49 percent were opposed.

More of those who believe in creationism said they were "very certain" of their views (63 percent), compared with those who believe in evolution (32 percent).

The poll also asked about religion and politics, government financing of religious charities, and gay men and lesbians in the military. Most of these questions were asked of a smaller pool of 1,000 respondents, and the margin of error was 2.5 percentage points, Pew researchers said.

The public's impression of the Democratic Party has changed in the last year, the survey found. Only 29 percent of respondents said they viewed Democrats as being "friendly toward religion," down from 40 percent in August of 2004. Meanwhile, 55 percent said the Republican Party was friendly toward religion.

Luis E. Lugo, the director of the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life, said: "I think this is a continuation of the Republican Party's very successful use of the values issue in the 2004 election, and the Democrats not being able up until now to answer that successfully. Some of the more visible leaders, such as Howard Dean and others, have reinforced that image of a secular party. Of course, if you look at the Democratic Party, there's a large religious constituency there."

Survey respondents agreed in nearly equal numbers that nonreligious liberals had "too much control" over the Democratic Party (44 percent), and that religious conservatives had too much control over the Republican Party (45 percent).

On religion-based charities, two-thirds of respondents favored allowing churches and houses of worship to apply for government financing to provide social services. But support for such financing declined from 75 percent in early 2001, when Mr. Bush rolled out his religion-based initiative.

On gay men and lesbians in the military, 58 percent of those polled said they should be allowed to serve openly, a modest increase from 1994, when 52 percent agreed. Strong opposition has fallen in that time, to 15 percent from 26 percent in 1994.

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Another Disaster? America Says, "F--- 'em!"

Dear (Insert Disaster Stricken Leader's Name Here),

The recent quake in Pakistan has moved us all deeply. On behalf of the United States, I would like to say, "Are you f--kin' kidding me with this?" Half of the black people in New Orleans are still floating somewhere. We still haven't built anything where the World Trade Center was! And Saddam Hussein looks trim, fit and ready to start cleaning up the money-sucking mess we made in Iraq.

Sure, the Tsunami was a bit depressing - even bumped the last episode of 'Everybody Loves Raymond' by a half hour. Let me tell you, we all felt bad. We coughed up a bunch of cash, tolerated performances by a seventy five year old Modonna - without the bullet bra. And did I mention the lectures by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. BRAD F--KING PITT!?!?! Of course, we soon learned there weren't that many survivors to help, just a ton of new beachfront property for multinational hotels to build on.

Not long after, the US, the richest country in the world, forgot to send buses to keep black people from drowning in a flood. (A flood god promised George Bush and Pat Robertson). Let's face it, by now, no one cared. Most of the whites were out and watching the thing on cable and everything seemed back to normal. We were finally ready for the new season of Desperate Lost Enthusiasm.

Then, God-dammit, another disaster!!! PAKISTAN??? You know, it's just bad timing. I know it was the worst one - like seven gazillion people died. Let's face it, none of them were Nielson households. And none of them shopped at The Gap or knew how to pronounce "Vente Mocchiatta Latte". Sorry, Pakistan. I know you're an ally in the terribly successful war on terror and you've got great patterns and fabrics, but you're on your own.

I hope the fundamentalists are wrong. I really hope it's not God foretelling the coming of the Messiah or the end of the world. I hope it's just part of a bold new marketing campaign for Jesus.

God Bless America. And remember, you're either with us, or you're...uhm...you're not with us.

Sincerely,
faktorial.com - the resting home for brilliance

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Head of White People Admits to Staging Hurricane

White Hurricane Targets Blacks

Delays helping the poor, black population of disaster-stricken New Orleans have led to suspicions that whites purposely staged the disaster to eliminate blacks. Today, those suspicions were validated when Colonel John Sanders, the Head of White People (a.k.a. "The Man"), admitted to the nefarious plot.

“To be honest with you, we didn’t think it would work. We had scientists working round the clock to come up with something. Then, lo and behold, there it was!” Mr. Sanders revealed at his press conference from his new home in Baton Rouge. “We must have gotten up at around three A.M., lined up in a row and just started blowing as hard as we could. Who knew, several hundred thousand white people blowing can create that kind of wind? It’s really a tribute to the will and strength of the human spirit.”

As relief efforts stalled and desperate cries for help were ignored by the Republican administration, many Southern whites expressed great optimism. Previous efforts by whites such as menthol cigarettes, carcinogen-laced fried chicken, AIDS, crack and malt liquor have largely failed to eliminate blacks.

When a reporter asked if he felt bad about all the hungry, desperate, black people who could not escape the disaster because they did not own cars, Mr. Sanders paused then replied, “I admire their undying commitment to public transportation and energy conservation.”

When New Orleans is rebuilt, the whites plan to fill all service jobs previously held by blacks with Mexicans. Details on the plan were not available, but Mr. Sanders expressed concern that “Mexicans are much better swimmers” and could present a bigger problem should the plan need to be aborted.

The Head of Blacks, Al Sharpton, was not immediately available for comment.

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Vinny "The Toe" Cortelli to Host 3rd Annual Golden Guido Awards

Not to be outdone by all the Oscars hooplah, the Academy of Construction Arts (ACA) just announced the host of the 2005 Golden Guido Awards. Vinny "The Toe" Cortelli, best known for his innovations in "toe discipline" in the fields of construction and waste management, will host the festivities. The show, in its third year, pays tribute to people in "real jobs" like construction, laundry, restaurant and club management, and garbage collection.

"It's about f-ckn' time," said Pudgy "da Fish" Tucci, a close associate of Mr. Cortelli. "Acting? It's a pile of sh-t. I wanna see Hilary Swank get a 500% return on a friggin' laundromat on Flatbush Avenue."

Mr. Cortelli, or "The Toe" as his friends call him, echoed those sympathies, "I seen guys hit in da head with hot rivets. Where is their trophy? I've seen a couple of guys accidentally fall down two, tree flights of stairs and still show up for work at seven da next day. I'd be proud to hand dat man a Golden Guido, no matta how many broken fingas he's got."

Last year's big winner, Poochie, walked away with three Golden Guidos including "Fastest Trunk Disinfection" and the coveted "Most Mortified Shopkeeper" awards. The show will air on FOX this Sunday at 9PM before a special episode of Cops, filmed after the awards ceremony.


Excite News

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Army Readies First Downs Syndrome Battalion as Non-Retarded Recruitment Slows

As instability in Iraq escalates, the US military is experiencing slow recruitment. Even existing soldiers are unusually sluggish in showing up for duty. Some have spent all their time off at fast food chains like Wendy's and Taco Bell hoping to put on enough weight to be deemed unfit for duty. Others have begun taking hormones and showing up with breasts, hoping to re-take basic training as girls or menopausal women.

In response to a recent Gallup poll that showed most young Americans have a strong aversion to dying in combat, the military has turned to a previously untapped source of military might - retards. According to Gallup, individuals with Downs Syndrome have overwhelmingly not heard of Iraq, terrorism or the letter 'Q'. "The military saw an opportunity and siezed it," said Jim Ingersol, Director of Research at Gallup. "In some ways, they may be the perfect soldier, except for the drooling, perhaps."

The military has kept this strategy secret for quite some time. However, rumors of problems began to swirl. "Apparently, [the retarded recruits] kept firing on each other during training," said one Army official on the condition of anonymity. "Occasionally, the recruits would eat all their rations in one sitting, fall asleep during barbed wire crawling exercises, and create small fires while attempting to barbecue their uniforms indoors."

Unofficially, the army is optimistic that they have finally found a formula for success. Each new "Special Soldier" now receives a coat hanger to stay focused. New uniforms and equipment are now coated in Velcro so retarded soldiers can attach themselves to each other, in case they get scared in the dark. The army has not yet disclosed the nature of its recent purchase of four tons of chocolate licorice and seven thousand bunny costumes.

by faktorial.com - where the retarded write, not fight


The New York Times > Washington > Its Recruitment Goals Pressing, the Army Will Ease Some Standards

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Dan Rather Beheaded By Pro-Bush Militants

Dan Rather. the legendary CBS News anchor and reporter was beheaded today by a militant faction of the US Government called "the FBI." Rather, who two days earlier was kidnapped from CBS world headquarters in New York, was believed to be targeted by the Bush administration for his report on how patronage helped George W. Bush avoid military service during the Vietnam War. Although the report proved to be false, several members affiliated with the Don Rumsfeld Brigade swore vengeance on Rather and CBS.

A grainy video tape was posted on www.bushordie.net that appeared to show the CBS journalist kneeling before the camera pleading for exclusive rights to air his own beheading on the CBS Evening News, which could desperately use a ratings boost. The assailants, wearing OJ Simpson masks, ignored Rather's pleas and violently beheaded him with what appeared to be a monogrammed sheath. Upon closer examination, experts believe the initials to be "D.C." Some believe this to be the work of Dick Cheney, who is widely acknowledged as George Bush's second in command and the most brutal of the US militants. Further observation of the tape supports this claim as the executioner appeared to breathe heavily under his OJ mask and paused frequently during the beheading to catch his breath, take asthma medication, and have his pulse rate checked by one of the other OJ's.

In a press conference held today, that conspicuously excluded any CBS reporters, President Bush said "We will stop at nothing to find and erradiculate these evildoers!" It is widely believed that the President was not referring to the murderous militants, but to the employees of CBS, their immediate families and the producers of "CSI: Poconos".

In what appeared to be a series of related incidents, CBS journalist Connie Chung was severely beaten by a group of elderly Christian women visiting New York from Alabama and '60 Minutes' commentators Andy Rooney and Morley Safer were rushed to the hospital preemptively in anticipation of even the slightest tussle, each is believed to be 114 years old. In response to these tragic events, '60 Minutes' creator Don Hewitt was quoted as saying, "Mmmmmm...mmmmnnnmm," as his mouth was covered with a chloroform-soaked rag and he was dragged by heavily armed militiamen into a navy blue van with government-issued license plates.

by faktorial.com - where we only behead as a last resort

New York Daily News - Politics - Dan's darkest day

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US Basketball Team Surrenders Bling; Blames Ho's, Usher

In a surprising announcement, Allen Iverson confessed that he and his teammates no longer have a shot at Olympic gold. Apparently, competing teams hired "thousands of ho's" to visit NBA players' rooms and drain them of their powers.

"It got so bad at one point, I couldn't lift the TV remote," said Tim Duncan, who only played 19 minutes in a loss against Argentina. When he did play, he limped heavily and could barely guard Roberto Santos, or "Blanco Gigante", considered the biggest, whitest man to ever play in Argentina. At the time, the nature of Duncan's injury was undisclosed, but an AP reporter saw a trainer applying a massive ice pack to the NBA MVP's lower torso.

According to the US Olympics Committee, competing teams have been nursing the strategy for almost two years. Some countries even held underground training camps to ensure only the fittest girls made the cut. The women were given fine lingerie, shiny bling, and chrome plating.

"When we won that first game, I thought we'd go out, have a few drinks and have an early practice," said LeBron James, who was coming off a Rookie of the Year NBA season. "Then, we get to the locker room and some fine chickenhead broke in. She put on the new Usher CD and took out a bag of vegetables. Put it this way, I ain't never gonna hear Usher and not think of zucchini."

The players also blamed poor officiating and lack of practice time for their sub-par performance. One NBA official, who asked for anonymity, said the league has retained the services of Pfizer, Starr Jones, and The Professor from 'Gilligan's Island' to find an antidote in time for the 2008 games.

by faktorial.com - where the NBA goes for its sloppy seconds


New York Daily News - Special - U.S. heads home as a bronze bust

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FEATURE: Severe Shortage of Mexicans Cripples New York Economy; Bloomberg Declares State of Emergency

New York, NY – In a press conference held early Sunday morning in an unusually dirty City Hall, Mayor Bloomberg announced a citywide State of Emergency due to a mysterious shortage of Mexican laborers. The mayor noted, “Restaurants all over the city are closing or reducing their hours of operation. Office buildings, including City Hall are deteriorating rapidly as garbage piles up with no one to clean it up. New York stands to lose $3 to 7 billion a week in tax revenues if a solution is not found quickly.”

The mayor noted that the problem has been escalating for several months as hour-long delays of Thai food deliveries triggered a flurry of calls to the city’s 311 telephone response system. Two weeks ago, further suspicions of a problem were aroused as Michael Eisner, CEO of Disney, was spotted picking up an SUV-full of day laborers at the Harrison train station in Westchester in an apparent attempt to get his offices cleaned properly.

In interviews with business owners throughout the city, the problem took on a more human face. “I couldn’t believe how much Mexicans have meant to our business until they were gone,” said Bobby Flay, owner of restaurants Bolo and Mesa Grill in Manhattan. “We’ve had to fly in a number of Guatemalans at almost twice the cost and a third less productivity. I’m hoping we find a solution soon, or else prices we’ll have no choice but to double our prices.”

Consumers, too, are upset. Dennis Rodriguez, a stockbroker who lives in Queens, has a more dire assessment of the situation. “This is the end! It’s a sign from God that we should have treated them better.” He went on, “Sure, I’d tip like 10, maybe 15 percent, whenever I’d get my food delivered. How was I supposed to know that wasn’t enough? I’m really devastated. Now I have to wait on line for three, maybe four hours just to get some cold Chicken with Cashew Nuts that sometimes doesn’t even have any cashews, just some cheap, overcooked peanuts. This just stinks.”

For all the devastation caused by the problem, few solutions seem adequate. Everyone is trying something. The McDonald’s on 68th and Columbus decided to try hiring Junior High School kids to supplement the work force, but strict child labor laws limit their work hours. The restaurant, however, has found the kids hard to train and the customers consider them rude and despondent at having to work in fast food. Other restaurants are desperately turning to Malaysia, India and Senegal for help, but language and hygiene problems have created as many issues as solutions.

As for the mystery of what actually happened to all of New York’s Mexican laborers, wild theories abound with few real answers. “I heard they just got pissed and left to Canada because they have free healthcare, but I don’t believe it,” said Lwanda Jackson, a Department of Motor Vehicles Executive Assistant. “I think they earned all the money they needed and went back to Mexico to buy houses, start businesses and pirate satellite TV.”

Sandra Finkel, a New York paralegal and self-proclaimed conspiracy theorist is convinced they were taken by an alien race called Beluvians. “I’m not one to be so presumptuous as to think only poor, white Midwesterners are the ones the Beluvians want. I think Beluvians are not that different from us. They face rising costs and labor shortages just like we do. Why shouldn’t they be entitled to inexpensive labor? I hope we, as a species, have learned something from all this.” When asked what lessons needed to be learned, Ms. Finkel seemed a bit less certain, “I don’t know. Maybe that it’s just a matter of time before delivery overtakes ‘take-away’ at most popular Beluvian fast food chains.”

In an election year, the issue has not escaped the attention of both Presidential candidates. President Bush was quoted as saying, “Nada es más importante que el alimento bueno entregado rápido.” Mr. Kerry took a different tact by promising to personally smuggle massive numbers of Mexican laborers in his first trip to Mexico as President. He further promised each of them free healthcare and “dignity”. The Bush campaign was quick to respond with a tersely-worded release, “We challenge Mr. Kerry to provide details on how he plans to fund healthcare and dignity for all Mexicans.”

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FEATURE: My Firsst Forrengn Polycee by Georg UU. Bush

Admittedly, I started writing this before I knew what a stack of naked Iraqi prisoners looked like. It was also before Michael Eisner secretly helped make ‘Fahrenheit 9/11’ the hip way to enjoy the fall of a great civilization – with buttered popcorn! Mmmm…yummy. And all this time, I thought Michael Moore was working on ‘Super Size Me’. Like catching your parents practicing the Kama Sutra, it’s almost impossible to shake the movie’s image of our glassy-eyed President continuing to read “My Pet Goat” to kindergarteners after learning two planes crashed into the World Trade Center. It’s not that the Bush years have been all bad…I still don’t know what Flintstone’s Cipro Chewables taste like or what not to wear to a nuclear holocaust. In this blissfully cheerful commentary, I’ll cover how this administration’s foreign policy has jeopardized American security, our international credibility and our chances of ever getting the French to bathe regularly. I will also reveal Dick Cheney's secret plan to liberate Mars from the tyrannical rule of Gargamel Khomeini. In my next faktorial, I'll expose the diabolical brilliance of the Cheney/Bush domestic policies and how the Democrats have helped them get away with it!

Don't get me wrong, I do admire one thing about this administration, and religious rightists in general: they seem to have a remarkable clarity of vision. Of course, so did Attila the Hun, Hirohito, and Colonel Sanders. And aside from its Crusade-like stench, I’m not altogether against a Middle East makeover. I’d prefer to think of it more as a ‘Queer Eye for the Fundamentalist Guy’. (“See how much brighter this makes your cave look!” or “These burkas are hideous! All black?!? You dress like every day’s a funera…sorry.”) Regardless, a more democratic, economically interdependent, and Big Mac-engorged Middle East would be in everyone’s best interest. Instead of making this case to world leaders and subversively pressuring Arab states to reform, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Bush blazed into Iraq. In fact, on September 12, 2001, Richard Clarke (the terrorism czar) told Bush there was no link between Iraq and Al Qaeda. Bush’s response? “Then find one!” Bush proceeded to read Clarke a small passage from “My Pet Goat” before making a smiley face in his mashed potatoes and soiling his Captain America Underoos.

Iraq isn’t the only problem. Generally, this administration’s foreign policy has been driven by three major forces: complacency, arrogance, and the Easter Bunny. First, complacency. Before 9/11, Bush received a memo stating a terrorist attack on our airlines was imminent. No one budged. (Almost no one – Condoleezza Rice made a paper airplane out of the memo and threw it at Paul Wolfowitz. When it got stuck in his hair, everyone laughed and laughed.) Later, the administration blamed its non-response on "the structure of government", "lack of budget" and that the memo was "not specific." Not specific?? It’s never specific!! If it is, guess what, you are the terrorist! And how much budget do you need to call 10 flight schools to get the list of students who consistently skipped the "Landing, Not Into a Building" class?

Arrogance? Not my Bush! Well, a few examples come to mind: 1) Dismissing UN weapons inspectors’ findings of “no WMD’s” like they’d been written by Ashton Kutcher. 2) Refusing to find funding partners for the ridiculously expensive rebuilding of Iraq before we bombed every gold-encrusted toilet Hussein ever sat on. (Our actual cost is estimated somewhere between the GDP of Mexico and the whitening of Michael Jackson). 3) Blatantly handing out fat contracts to Halliburton and other oil buddies...In fact, euphoric Exxon-Mobile executives even trickled some oil into the Tigris, drunkenly screaming, “There’s more where that came from, Bitch!!” My guess is the administration’s waiting for its second term to unleash the really outrageous stuff like annexing Canada, planting crack on Chirac, and executing Whoopi Goldberg.

Like clerics and Cub Scouts, religion and politics just shouldn’t mix. Bush’s actions, however, reveal a deeply-rooted, religious self-righteousness. Who could forget the 2000 Republican debate? Candidates were asked what political thinker they looked up to. Steve Forbes cited John Locke, a Revolutionary War scholar. Alan Keyes chose the founding fathers. Unhesitatingly, George W. replied, "Jesus Christ". When the moderator asked why, Bush responded, “When you turn your heart and your life over to Christ, when you accept Christ as the savior, it changes your heart and changes your life and that's what happened to me.” Was this a South Park episode? Nope, they’re the words of a guy whose own mother had to call Reverend Billy Graham to talk him out of insisting that only Christians can go to heaven and that only Dominicans should play second base.

So where has all this gotten us? In the short run, Iraq’s a mess. No major ally is willing to contribute even its most gimpy, inbred of soldiers. Our army is terribly weakened, limiting deployment to other regions, like Afghanistan (where the terrorists are). Reservists are now serving over a year in Iraq and are down to Red Bull and ketchup packets. Things are so bad that Forrest Gump, Chuck Norris, and the cross-dressing Arab guy from M.A.S.H. just got draft notices. Worst of all, over 900 American lives, not to mention tens of thousands of Iraqis, have been snuffed since the war began. And let’s not forget our coalition partners Latvia, Nicaragua and the 96th Street YMCA who’ve suffered an unprecedented forty four hangnails, thirty two twisted ankles and countless bad haircuts. Our presence in Iraq will continue to incite suicide bombers, kidnappers, and grainy videos by hooded men who have clearly never heard of NYU Film School. And overall, the world is a far more hostile place for Americans and Filipino truck drivers.

The far scarier part of all this – that no one (except me and Ali G) is mentioning – are the long-term effects of pre-emptive war. First, the intense nuclear proliferation triggered by Bush. By obliterating Iraq and negotiating with that kooky prick in North Korea, we have sent the world a clear message that the only way to keep your local dictator out of a filthy ditch is by having nuclear weapons. Like leaving the July Playboy near the showers at Riker's Island, there is a global feeding frenzy for all things nuclear. Poor countries like Pakistan and former Soviet republics are more than happy to oblige through a complex laundering network of strip clubs and clubbed baby seals. (I love PETA. Really.)

Bush has also reminded our allies of something they were perfectly willing to ignore – that we can take out France anytime we want. Actually, as the world’s lone superpower, we can ignore the UN and NATO when it suits us, chase Sikhs with baseball bats ‘cuz they sort of look like Arabs, and add relish to falafel. As a result, our “allies” are busy forming regional alliances that purposely exclude the US such as the Russia-France “defense partnership", the EU “virtual superpower” defense consolidation, and the Cuba-Haiti DontBombUs Accord. As a result, the US may be on a path to becoming that slow, fat friend who never gets invited to the dance. So, with non-existent credibility, the current administration has no choice but to attack Europe now before these alliances set in. Rumsfeld already popped three Viagra in preparation for his shiny new war briefing.

Of course, the future may not be all bad. If done properly, a democratic, economically viable Iraq could pressure other Arab states to reform, or at least build casinos. Coupled with our “war of ideas” (basically Shrek and porn dubbed into Arabic), our efforts could ultimately reduce hostilities and bring many Arab states solidly into the 19th century. Sadly, it would also force Al Jazeera reporters to cut each others heads off as that pool of wacky reality programming they’ve come to depend on dries up.

So can Cheney and Bush steer us towards global peace? Unlikely. With less credibility than the “Gigli II” rumor, this administration can no longer convincingly sit in front of world leaders. Can you imagine the snickers and winks next time Colin Powell pulls out a manila folder labeled, “CIA: Confidential”? Even our biggest allies are distancing themselves from us. Has anyone even seen Tony Blair lately?

Internationally, the next administration has to accomplish six major goals to put us back on the path to stability:

1. Begin repairing partnerships damaged by the Bush team (Does Gerhard Schroeder like steak? I’d take him to Peter Luger’s and stuff him full of meat ‘til he couldn’t take it anymore.)
2. Gain commitment from NATO, the UN and key Arab states to provide military and economic aid for Iraq (pending approval of the puppet regime)
3. Create multinational economic/political pressure and incentives to secularize states like Saudi Arabia, Iran and Egypt. (By “incentives” I mean everything from secretly sponsoring the building non-religious schools to developing original new sitcoms like “Everybody Loves Rabinowitz”, “Curb Your Fundamentalism” or “Mustafa in the Middle”)
4. Find a gentle way to get rid of Arafat (“Butter of The Month Club”??) and finally get the two sides to reach agreement on Gaza, the West Bank and who makes the best humus.
5. Promote assimilation programs for European Arabs, whose birthrates will soon make them a majority in France and taxi stands across that continent.
6. Nuke North Korea (only because I hate favoritism).

My prediction for the presidential election? Well, I think Hussein will get exonerated and run for President in the new, democratic Iraq. He’ll win because he’s the only one who’s shown he can govern that mess. At his inauguration, he’ll gas a few Kurds just to say, ‘Thanks for believing in me!’ In a matter of months, he’ll send all foreign militants home in small envelopes, resume diplomatic relations with the US, and host his own reality show, “Saddam Extreme Makeover” where every contestant wins surgery to look like their favorite oppressor. I can’t wait for the very special Uday and Qusay Ramadan episode.

…Oh, you meant that election?

Coming soon:

• Part 2: “Just Got Back From Iraq and All I Got Was This Lousy Stem Cell”
• Major updates to faktorial.com plus action figures

by faktorial.com - where Bush is a four-letter word and Condi is a five-letter word and...

read the rest of this faktorial here!

FEATURE: My War Against Baguettes, Burkas and "The Bachelor"

Ok, I’ve never really made it much of a secret, but in case you never cared to ask – I don’t like the French. From their award winning interior design for World War II concentration camps near Paris to their recent shenanigans at the UN Security Council, the French have elevated cowardice to a bizarre form of art. …as if layering any stray piece of dough with gobs of butter wasn’t enough reason to bomb that big, out-of-order antenna they call the Eiffel Tower. The French have finally pushed me to brink – no more filet mignon, hors d’oeuvres, soufflé, French fries, bleu cheese...I’m getting hungry. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have punched the waiter at Le Cirque. It’s not like I was dining there or anything.

Before I get into my plan for bombing the Cannes Film Festival, let’s discuss the more urgent reason you should read the rest of this brilliant piece (or desperate cry for a hobby). While not quite at the brink of World War III, we, as members of the civilized world, are at a turning point. Our dilemma is one of order and civility versus disorder and mayhem and we all must take a stand. George W. took a stand. Unfortunately, Michael Jackson has more credibility (not to mention supple, young hostages) in Europe than GW. Why? Simply, Europeans do not respond well to blunt, self-righteous nincompoops with an exalted sense of moral clarity. Unfortunately, we have exactly one of these and we call him President. Instead of seizing the opportunity after September 11th to bring the world to our side, George has often alienated and divided – not so much with ‘what’ he represented, but ‘how’ he did it. But, like a zit on prom night, we are stuck with the fancy dress, the rented limo and little choice but to go to the dance.


To war or not to war. That is the question. I’m no fan of war. I hate violence. I still send flowers to Colorado every time they kill Kenny on ‘South Park’. Sometimes, however, war is the only way. The question in Iraq is not quite so clear. On one hand, a war would 1) suppress a rogue state; 2) provide us with a base of operations in a region where Americans are only slightly more popular than lice and cholera; and 3) allow our hypocrite celebrities to run their SUV’s more economically. Conversely, war does little to address the deep-ceded ignorance (a.k.a. Islamic Fundamentalism) and festering hatred towards the West promoted by wealthy Arab regimes (as a means of controlling their impoverished masses). To date, our administration’s best long-term proposal for the region included several Taco Bell chalupas, a deep discount on Jimmy Kimmel Show re-runs and a free concert by Corey Feldman and three of the Backstreet Boys.

In the short term, war will fuel terrorism, limit personal freedoms and cost a fortune - at a time when our economy looks much like Stephen Segal trying to do a leg kick. Honestly, I’m not too worried about the cost. What the government is not telling us is that we are no more than ravenous skanks in a game of ‘Who Wants to Bomb a Billionaire?’ The cost of every missile accidentally launched into an Iraqi nail clipper factory will be recouped tenfold in lower oil prices. And don’t think OPEC isn’t strapping on diapers. They know once we gain access to Iraq’s vast oil reserves, we are more likely to see an Ariel Sharon book-signing in Lebanon than the lofty $35 a barrel we currently pay. Goodbye, fancy turbans… Hello, cold pizza and basic cable.

So what’s the answer? Do the French have a point, or just poor hygiene? Do we give inspectors more time? Or, do we turn Baghdad into Pompeii? Well, I have a sneaky suspicion that OPEC nations are desperately trying to take out Hussein – peacefully or otherwise. If they do not beat us to it, I believe we have to fight. I don’t say this lightly. Ideally, we should do so with UN support, but at this point, only an Oscar for Tom Green seems less likely. In fact, by opposing the removal of Hussein, the UN may be sealing its own fate. By allowing Iraq to go unchecked for years, falling for systemic trickery and failing to act with resolve, the UN has turned into the current version of the Rolling Stones: expensive, irrelevant and slightly painful to look at.

Ultimately, Iraq may be our best opportunity to violently drag - like a straight man to a Judy Garland tribute – a major Arab state towards progressive secularism. This “model state” would be a first step in a long and painful evolution towards a peace that only our great grandchildren and Dick Clark will live to see. To do this right, we will need a better long-term plan and bushels of the Girls of Ramadan calendar. I trust Dick Cheney is working on this between defibrillations. When not vigorously massaging Gimpy Dick’s rock-hard arteries, Colin Powell and the rest of the Cabinet are fairly capable, if not rational, war-mongers. In their hands, we will have a quick, decisive victory that we can enjoy from the comfort of our own televisions. (Time Warner just added Missile Launch On-Demand to channel 1053 on Manhattan cable. For an extra $3 a month, you get to vote an obnoxious general or a way-too-hot-for-her-own-good military nurse off the desert each week.) …and did I just get away with using ‘dick’, ‘gimpy’ and ‘rock-hard’ like 14 times in one paragraph?

After our victory, we must also make meaningful change within our own borders. Most importantly, by reducing our dependence on oil, ‘The Bachelor’ and the Atkins diet. First, the oil. We created this beast – now we must slay it. Car, oil and manufacturing companies have continually lobbied (bribed) politicians to suppress research and development of alternative energy sources, conservation legislation and even use of long-existing technologies such as ethanol-fueled cars (used for years Brazil and admired from afar by Susan Sarandon). It is only through more sensible consumption, alternative energy and internment of SUV owners that we can ensure our long term independence.

Getting back to our impending victory in Iraq… Guess who will be nipping on the heals of our success - the French - contributing aid and “peacekeeping forces” in exchange for their piece of the action. France, how do you sleep at night? So cowardly and irrelevant, yet utterly unwilling to face it. Now, go finish that stupid tower! …what’s it gonna be?

...stay tuned for the next installment when we will learn why North Korea doesn't really exist, how to protect your pets from terrorist attacks, and ways to get the best deal on a weekend getaway to Afghanistan.

- by faktorial.com - where baguettes are weapons of deadly satire

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FEATURE: Saving the World One Snack at a Time

Well, I've got another international flight coming up - this Friday the 13th(!). As I pack my pants and fold that shirt with the tomato sauce specs I hope no one will notice, I can't help but think of the things I'd really like to pack - a Pope bubble and a pitbull. If you've traveled recently, you probably understand. At any given moment at an airport near you, a former fry cook is feeling up an 80 year old white woman searching for a bomb. As the actual terrorists waiting on line begin to complain, our speculation is confirmed - the only weapon Inspector McNugget will find is a pair of loaded Depends and a tube of Ben Gay. So the roulette wheel of travel spins, as I scour my dresser for just one more pair of clean underwear. Hmm…here's a pair from 8th grade. Good enough.

As a writing teacher once told me - "You're standing on my foot!" Wait, that's not the quote. It's this: "Making people cry is easy, but making them think is hard." Another tearful tribute will not bring the victims back. Averting further destruction is the hard part. Luckily, I figured it all out on my train ride. This should save you some time in case you were working on this too. The answer? It's pretty simple - Britney Spears! (I bet you thought I’d say Gary Coleman.) Read on and it will all make sense.

So where are we now? Our cross-eyed simpleton President, who has spent 42% of his presidency at leisure destinations, has successfully scattered a band of hairy nomads from Afghanistan to neighboring regions so they can live to kill another day. We then secretly replaced these illiterate barbarians with a puppet government hobbled by mercenaries known as "warlords". Will the long-suffering people of Afghanistan even notice a difference? We've also taken on a lifetime of Michael Jackson surgeries worth of expenses to protect and develop that country. Can Starbucks and Ronald McDonald in a Burka be far behind?

Now, Alfred E. President wants to attack Iraq. Even our brilliant intelligence sources say Iraq is close to building a nuclear missile albeit with the range of a paper airplane carrying scissors. If we do attack, we'll be the sole Sugar Daddy for Iraq for years. Those $500 billion could be better spent filming the ‘Adventures of Pluto Nash’ trilogy. If we must take unilateral military action, I suggest invading Saudi Arabia. Those sheiks have been exploiting their people for years and funding the very fundamentalism that yielded eleven of last year’s attackers. The logic is simple: 1) there will be no bloodshed - they are defended by Teletubbies; 2) we'll have a base to monitor the region and film future episodes of “Blind (and Tortured) Date” and, 3) we get enough oil to tease the hair of every girl in Bensonhurst - for a millennium. Of course, this would never happen. Why? The Bush family, Dick Cheney and senior administration officials have extensive financial ties with the Saudis. Why screw up a good thing? Sorry, Bensonhurst!

That brings me to the big issue: blowing up Jews and Americans. As my math professor once told me - "There's toilet paper on your shoe." He then said, "Sometimes, the right answer is the simple one." To put it simply, the root of Arab hatred is envy and resentment - not land. For years, Israelis have prospered on what was once a tiny plot of worthless dirt. Relative to surrounding Arab states, Israel is the size of a dime on a football field. So to think this conflict is mostly about land is to dress Rosie O'Donnel in a bikini and blame the lip gloss.

While Israel built a prosperous democracy, oil-rich Arab governments promoted tooth decay, running with scissors and stoning compulsive masturbators. Moreover, they did nothing to promote industry, culture or civil liberties. Instead, these wealthy minorities fueled a staggering mass-ignorance. With fundamentalist Islam as their weapon of choice, they’ve successfully concealed the real enemy – Justin Timberlake. Seriously, if desperate Palestinian families weren't so busy taking Arafat's cash to strap bombs to their children, they might start asking how Arafat got to be worth $6 Billion. Was it his award winning line of headwear? Or did he win the big Iran-Iraq-Syria Powerball Lottery?

Naturally, Jews and Americans make great scapegoats (and pastries). Jews - because they live so well, so close to scores of oppressed Arabs. And because they found a way to grow oranges in the desert at a cost $45 apiece and still sell them for $0.79 a kilo. As for Americans - let's face it, our McCulture is everywhere. An orphan in Kabul is more likely to know the name of the loser on American Idol (Justin - you were robbed!!!) than simple division (two hijacked aid trucks times thirty bags of flour each divided by three warlords equals? Equals?!!?! Stupid kids....).

Like Anna Nicole explaining the Pythagorean Theorem, we have yet to address the short-term threat of terrorism. Our enemy walks among us just waiting for new instructions. Forty year old "students" from the Middle East roam freely on visas that sport names like “Al Queda” and “Mohammed Atta Killya” just because they can. In some states, you can still get a free flight lesson if you buy three lap dances and a Coke - no questions asked. And journalists just snuck three swords, five grenades and a pygmy with a blow-dart on 14 planes across the country. Still, no conclusive national ID or information sharing plans have been adopted. I do hear, however, that George W. suggested we can save time by detaining only those people who have not yet been on a reality TV show.

Ultimately, our feeble politicians will resolve the short-term issues. In the long run, our greatest weapon will be - have you guessed yet? That's right - Britney Spears. And when I say "Britney Spears", I mean it as a euphemism for all things great and shallow about our culture. As I travel through Europe and meet people from all over the globe, it is shocking how powerful and influential we are. Everyone knows Arnold (even though he's technically imported, he was assembled here). Check out the CD collections of kids in France - they might hate us, but they all speak English and buy 'N Sync (or at least, download it on Kazaa). Bruce Willis movies have been dubbed into 80 languages. Bruce Willis!!!!!!!

Unlike most solutions that tell you the 'what'. I also have the 'how'. And it not only applies to Middle Eastern Nations, but to North Korea, China and other nations with gauche wardrobe options. (I've waited 29 years to use 'gauche' in a sentence.) Here are the primary components of my solution:

1. Immediately start dubbing our catalog of movies and TV shows into Arabic. (Perhaps we don't start with Seinfeld right off the bat.)
2. Begin building an all-Arabic, US-friendly news network. Develop creative original programming with guidance from our many brilliant creative minds. (Howard Stern, start packing!)
3. Secretly fund multiple Arab-owned companies situated in the Middle East to install free satellite systems and internet kiosks in bars, cafés and other public places.
4. Provide (carefully laundered) funds to private Arab citizens to build public, non-religious schools across the Middle East. (Of course, we’ll need a call from our President...hmm...better make that our Vice President or Tony Soprano to gently “encourage” cooperation.)
5. Finally, we begin beaming our images of wealth, happiness, personal freedom and sublime grooming habits to all points Arabic.

You guessed it - before long, even hardened ex-terrorists will have man-boobs and demand the right to watch them grow while watching TRL on MTV. Soon there will be implants under those Burkas and we will have won. All it will take is a little time and a lot of potato chips. Go America!

...now what did I do with my remote?


by faktorial.com - where satire goes horribly, horribly wrong

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FEATURE: State of the Union Address: Translated!

Thank you. Mr. Speaker. Good evening ladies, gentlemen, and the old, homosexual congressman on my lower left. Hi, Barney! I am honored to have the opportunity to squint, smirk and smile smugly for the next hour or so. As you incessantly applaud my every fumbled and mispronounced word, I implore that you give me the dignity and respect you would give any well-dressed rich kid with access to nuclular weapons.

As you know, Dick Cheney has just finished typing up our budget proposal that promotes the American family, national security and the phrase “faith-based programs” as secret code for converting pesky Jews, Hindus and Muslims to real, God-fearing Americans.

First and foremost, I would like to discuss the American family. I know and love the American family, in fact, I am one. To illustrate this, I have scoured the poorest barrios for a married Puerto Rican couple to sit strategically next to my wife, who will squirm uncomfortably in her chair until they leave. Mr. and Mrs. Ramos, please take a bow! To convey the plight of the Ramos family, I will now pander to all Latinos by speaking a phrase in Spanish: “Mis avios de pesca es en la cocina.” That’s right, “my fishing gear is in the kitchen”. As a result of an otherwise wasteful Ivy League education, I can also say “baño”, “casa” and “ciudad”.

Education is critical to this great nation. In Texas, we developed numerous ways to test students and make teachers more accountable. My plan is to pass every one of these tests.

To show my commitment to education, my spin-doctors have just surrounded my wife with retarded children. My wife and I love these children like our own. In fact, they will remain at her side until every member of the subversive, liberal press takes their picture. At that point, the children will go back to knitting sweaters for Kmart.

In a related issue, racial profiling remains a blight on our nation. That is why I have proposed a bill to stop Dick Cheney from searching for token minorities to sit next to my wife during national speeches.

We also need a national defense system to prevent the French from ever siding with us again. I propose to blanket the entire country with Saran Wrap to ensure that neither hostile missiles nor freezer burn will ever threaten national treasures like Camp David or other resort areas from which I will receive periodic updates from Dick Cheney.

To meet the health care needs of America's seniors, we will double Medicare over the next 10 years, as long as everyone dies by age 72. By executing all seniors who attempt to reach 73, we will save enough money to cut taxes for all Americans. The days of being overcharged for healthcare, social security, pardons and Oval Office furniture are over. On behalf of all Americans, I am your refund.

Tonight, our prayers are with one of our own, Congressman Joe Moakley, who is suffering from testicular cancer. This president promises to defeat to any disease that threatens bureaucrats. That is why I have personally spent the last 12 hours testing each and every congressman for testicular cancer. I am proud to say that only Senator Clinton will require a second opinion.

Some people say my budget is too big; others say it’s too small. That’s what they said about Dick Cheney. But, just like my budget, Dick is just right. To conclude, please remember that bipartisanship is more than just our duty. It is also a hard word to spell.

by faktorial.com - where we'd rather go back to interpreting baboons

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