COMMENTARY: My Ribbed, Lubricated Entry into the Presidential Race [Part 1]

A lot of people are asking why I haven’t been writing as many faktorials lately. I assure you it’s not because of my recent appearance on Dateline NBC. (For the record, it’s not my fault it takes lots of Tootsie Rolls, ribbed Trojans, and chloroform-soaked rags to bond with the MySpace generation.) The real reason for my disappearance is I’ve been making big plans. I am hereby announcing the formation of a depilatory committee to groom me for the White House. In the immortal words of my hero and mentor, Notorious B.L.T., ‘I’s gonna be yo’ PrEZyDENT, beeeyach!!’

You might be wondering what qualifies me to be your Fuhrer. Exhibit A: George W. Bush. He’s dumber than calamari. I can’t even look at him anymore, without imagining him dipped in buttermilk and cornmeal. This is not a tough act to follow. It’s a miracle I don’t have visions of walking through walls, bending space and time, or liberating the demoralized muskrat on top of Donald Trump.

Fortunately, I have so many brilliant ideas that I have to split my platform into two faktorials. Today, my domestic manifesto:

1. Illegal Immigration

Holy sh*t – you mean some dude just crawled from Mexico for 5 hours, under barbed wire, to pick my oranges!!! How freaking awesome is that?!? I love Tropicana! I don’t know anyone else clamoring to pick those oranges, do you? I won’t even get up to find the remote control. I’ll sit through hours of incredibly gay programming on Bravo, until I have to pee. Even then, I spend a minute pondering the physics of using that empty Snapple bottle that seems almost within range...almost.

Verdict: I love immigrants! The more illegal, the less I have to tip them! My plan is to educate them, groom them, and teach them calculus until they can invent a remote that lovingly jumps into my arms and allows me to reduce my gay programming intake, at least until the batteries die. Miguel? Miguel!! Donde estan los Alkalines?

2. Healthcare Reform

Yeah, I saw Sicko. I understand the problem. How can the fattest filmmaker in America be the face of healthcare reform? It’s clear I have to do something. If for no other reason, than because I’m marginally less bloated. (Mike – have you considered a fruit? Any will do. A grape? Try it without the butter.)

My plan to reform healthcare is two pronged. Literally. I will make 4-pronged forks illegal. My research tells me that two-pronged forks will increase food-fork slippage by 40%. If my math is right, more food on the floor = less food in your big fat, wretched gullet!

My other solution? Eliminate doctors! It seems their greed is causing the price of healthcare to spiral out of control. Those poor HMO’s have to spend precious resources riding these lethargic “caregivers”. I say if you can’t get from A) Naked Patient to B) Washing Your Index Finger, in less than 4 minutes, you’re no Jenna Jameson, Doc.

Under my administration, you’ll be able to go straight into Cigna’s headquarters and have one of their secretaries cup your genitals and have you cough. It will be considerably cheaper. The best part is that the secretary can then immediately process your claim – no extra administration! No doctors! No hernia!! Probably.

3. Energy Independence

Are you tired of killing Arabs in the hopes of saving at the pump? I know I am. I thought for sure that last Texaco manager would shoot back. My solution? It’s the dirty word no politician wants to use. No, not Motherf^%&er. Conservation. It’s time everyone used smaller cars. Unless you have a lumberyard or a platinum rap album, there’s no reason for you to drive an Escalade. I propose government investment in wind-powered, “sail-cars”. You might get home, or you might drift towards the Panama Canal. Either way, America wins.

Also, instead of unnecessary leisure travel, I propose tapping into the most plentiful resource on Earth - Japanese vacation photos. By partnering with Japan and Google Maps, we can superimpose your fat family on top of a much smaller, trimmer Japanese one and voila! Instant vacation, without the waste.

4. Government Reform

I’m tired of corporate interests subverting our democracy with their bribes, lobbyists, and loose-lipped D.C. hookers. We need to give control back to the people. The little people. I mean that literally. After watching ‘Little People, Big World’ on TLC, I realized that the only noble people left on Earth are dwarves (and probably elves and trolls, but they don’t have a show yet.). I propose an entire government of legislators no taller than 4 foot 11 inches. Not only will they lead justly, but they’re cheaper to maintain and you can send fourth graders to kick their asses if they screw up.

Coming soon: ‘Part 2 - Jews for Jihad’. How my presidency can stop terrorism, nuclear proliferation, and Al Gore. You’ll never look at a warhead the same way again.


By Faktorial.com – where elves and trolls turn for political empowerment.

read the rest of this faktorial here!

COMMENTARY: Is Mitt Romney Slowly Turning Me Gay?

Yes, it's that time again - when the huddled masses turn to faktorial.com for a deep, penetrating, and wonderfully sloppy Presidential endorsement. Much like foreplay with a cannibal, we're gonna take this one slow. Today, you'll get my take on the Gay Old Party. Six years under Sith Lord Rove and Darth Cheney and I've completely lost my taste for Bush.

Today’s Republicans are a funny bunch. Not “ha-ha” funny. More of a “get ammo at Wal-Mart, shoot illegal Mexicans, and torture A-rabs” kind of funny. Their convention is increasingly dominated by people who believe dinosaurs, Adam and Eve, and Spartacus fought over apples at the Olive Garden, circa 1492.

When catering to nuts, we should cut the presidential candidates a little slack. When Mike Huckabee proposes arming toddlers to hunt non-pregnant, illegals from July through October, take heart. You can safely assume he really means August. (Note to Blanca Rodriguez: follow the map on the back of your sonogram to safety. And, RUN!! ANDALE!!)

In this week's debate, candidates were asked to raise their hands if they didn't believe in evolution. Three raised their hands! WHAAAT?!?? Leading gullible Americans down the path of ignorance is an act of treason. When their hands went up, I half-expected the midget from Jackass to run onstage and staple Sam Brownback's scrotum to the podium. No such luck. We'll have to wait for the DVD extras.

PROUD PAPA RUDY

Wearing his best crotch-less pandering panties and a matching purse, Giuliani came up with a doozy. When asked about abortion rights, which he supports (and will continue to), he said (I'm paraphrasing), "Oompa Loompa, you're baby's a clot. If you have a plunger, you can use it or not."

Why insult our intelligent design, Rudy? Wouldn't conservatives respect you more if you just said what you really believe? And, that you're not just a one issue candidate, but you also took a lot of photos near Ground Zero.

Giuliani would be great if there were Guidos overcharging for garbage collection in Georgetown. Or, if strippers tried selling fish 10 yards from the Pentagon. Sadly, he's not a visionary. He's like an upscale bouncer - great with brass knuckles, but a little scary with warheads, or strappy red pumps.

LOVIN’ MITT

Isn't Mitt Romney puuurrrty? I think they came up with the "60 is the new 40" expression just for him. Of course, I've seen the other ten million 60 year olds. They all look like Don Imus and are counting the days until bus fare is half price.

Don't get me wrong, Romney is a good businessman and a smart guy...except for believing in magical, gold plates and a unicorn named Luigi. No, he's not perfect, but he looks the part. He's got great hair, perfect teeth, an olive tan. I might not vote for him, but I'm eerily close to rubbing Coppertone on his back.

JOHNNY MAVERICK

What happened to our Maverick McCain? He seems old and looks like his diaper’s full of compromises. He's also the only one enthusiastic about Bush's new Iraq "strategy". Adding troops to a civil war and calling it a "strategy" is like adding “thoughtless little pig” at the end of a voicemail to your 11 year old daughter and calling it “parenting”.

I still respect McCain, but old farts should never be president. They just don't give a crap and are prone to Viagra rage. Imagine having a shiny, new boner and the only place you can park it is inside a 75 year old! If grandpa sex didn't feel like throwing a pencil into a shopping bag, Rumsfeld might not have pointed his WMD at Iraq.

THE REST (IN PEACE)

The one guy I really like is Dr. Ron Paul - a real conservative, not a Noah’s Ark refugee. He's for balanced budgets, Darwin, and for individually wrapping those chalky mints at the Chinese restaurant. He's also the only Republican to have voted against both the war in Iraq and Sanjaya on American Idol. Unfortunately, he's got as much of a chance of winning as McCain does of juggling three torches while riding Sam Bareback. ....another white middle-aged male marginalized by society, living on a pile of shattered hopes.

Speaking of which, way to diversify, Republicans! Put a Thai tranny or an Ecuadorian dwarf up there. At least make it look like you tried. Of course, I kid. Everyone knows all the good diversity candidates are already booked on the Howard Stern Show.

As for the other Republicans, they're just looking to get away from their families for a few months. Combined, they've raised enough money for a Best Western with 3 cots, a Durex Snug Fit Value Pak, and a timeshare with a DC hooker, who promises to be completely discreet…really.

Finally, Fred Thompson, stay home! No one will vote for you just because you're on TV. The American people are smarter than that. You've never even worked with a monkey half as talented as Bonzo!


Coming Soon:

Part 2: Poking, Prodding, Dissecting (OK…and Fondling a Few) Democrats

Part 3: The Coveted Faktorial.com Endorsement


By Faktorial.com - where we’d never actually fondle a Democrat...without a parental signature or the express, written consent of Major League Baseball.

read the rest of this faktorial here!

How I Fell in Love with Ann Coulter

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was channel surfing and there she was. A guest on Real Time with Bill Maher. Those long, sexy legs. Flowing, gilded blond hair. I cranked up the volume. From the moment I heard her sweet, luscious voice utter, "Bill Clinton is a child rapist", I knew she was The One.

I had to learn everything I could about my Golden Princess. I bought all her books - "Why Jews Killed Christ and Made GefilteChrist From His Kidneys", "Torture, Schmorture: How I Extract Truth From One Arab a Day and Still Keep My Day Job", and her classic, "Hey Hillary, There's a Coat Hanger in My Bloody Fetus." If Charlotte Bronte had balls, or Joseph Goebbels a word processor, they could only dream of being Ann Coulter.

Once I learned all I could about my Ann, I made plans to attend all of her appearances. I knew that as soon as she noticed my intense, cross-eyed gaze, she'd call me a 'dirty fag' and we'd fall madly in love. If only it were so.

The first appearance I attended was a NASCAR rally. It didn't go well. Apparently, Ann had many suitors competing for her attention. Each showed up with as much, or more, CoulterCuntry.com paraphernalia than I had - the exploding JFK head, old detonators from abortion clinic bombings, even her new ObamaNation Thermos, which turns black around black people and white around whites. These people had way more resources than I did. I had to take drastic measures. I killed four of them. Clearly, I would not have enough emotional energy, or room in my van, for My Dearest Ann.

I decided to try a different tact. Luckily, it was election season and Ann was guest-hating on a number of TV shows. I watched them all. I took careful notes on every American enemy she'd mention - John Murtha...Nancy Pelosi...Carrot Top.

It was harder and more expensive to "get to" these America-haters than I thought. So, I did the next best thing. I found their families. Within a week, I sent My Love two dozen black roses and ten severed pinkies inside a beautiful vase made of 97% pure Iraqi prisoner bone. It would be the first thing she saw when she opened her crypt at sundown. I was so in!!!

It did not take long for the cops to arrive at my shed.

As I sit in my cell, my Dear Sweet Ann, oh how I long for thee. Each day I dream of waking up to the sound of you calling me a n**ger-lover or a weak-willed, liberal c*ck-s*cker. The melodic flow of your Adam's apple is fused into my memory. I long to be enveloped in your warm, bodacious bile. Hold me. Scrape your name into my back with your serpentine claws. Love me, Ann. Love me like Pudgy Brown, my cell-mate, never, ever could.

by Faktorial.com - where we know a girl with serpentine claws is a keeper.

The Blog | Arianna Huffington: Has Ann Coulter (Finally) Had Her Macaca Moment? | The Huffington Post

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COMMENTARY: Ethiopia HAS JETS!!!! JETS!!!!!

Call me ignorant, but I just learned something AMAZING! ETHIOPIA HAS JETS!!! AND TANKS!!! Remember Ethiopia? It's been the punch-line of every poverty joke since Sally Struthers ingested her very first foreign aid convoy. Yes, the Ethiopia famous for images of starving children surrounded by flies, dysentery and Madonna - has just attacked Somalia with its JETS!!

Let's be clear about this, even relatively stable countries like South Africa, Zaire and Kenya have tons of problems like mass-corruption, oodles of AIDS, and Ivory poachers – good soap doesn’t make itself, kids. I digress. In their Starbucks tip jar of an economy, Ethiopia has found it in their budget to attack Somalia, the Bronze Medalist in the Malnutrition Olympics.

And guess what – the US is funding it. You see Somalia has an Islamist regime and Ethiopia has a Christian one. So this Christmas, we praise our Lord and give tanks. Of course, this could easily explode into a regional conflict, like our ticking towel bomb in the Middle East. Seems like it's just a matter of time before Spike Lee starts making sense. You know, about the white conspiracy.*

*Note: White people: Shhhh!! Remember what we discussed at The Meeting!

The one conspiracy I do see is that religion, once again, is wiping out enemies in the name of Mohamed or Jesus or Jah or Ja-Rule. Good! Until every hut and home can agree on a non-denominational holiday twig, I say, let the least crazy zealot win! I call this my Nimrod Upgrade Theory (N.U.T.), Release 1.0.7.

So what is my N.U.T. all about? Simply, it says that regimes with a selection of soft, quilted bathroom tissue should be supported over ones whose women are granted less peripheral vision than mules. Sure, Christian fundamentalists in the U.S. blow up an occasional abortion clinic. At least we have condoms, even flavored ones for the discerning palate. By comparison, many Islamic regimes stone rape victims - because it’s illegal to cheat on your husband. Neither is ideal, but one is clearly better. N.U.T. states that you support the least wacky combatant until a more sensible one comes along. Give it three to four thousand years and these faktorials will probably be written in Cantonese.

Back to Ethiopia versus Somalia. Neither has a Four Seasons resort, a selection of delicious Entenmann’s pastries or anyone as talented as Beyonce - she dances, she sings, she acts. However, Ethiopia more adequately reflects our good old-fashioned Christian values. So, arm them to the teeth and let them go at it. Tank vs. machete. F-16 vs. catapult.

This makes me nostalgic for the good old days of American foreign policy – and what we should have done in Iraq – arm the side we like most. When they screw up, arm their enemies. This whole thing just makes me want to spoon with Daniel Ortega and Ollie North.


By faktorial.com – where we only spoon in the name of liberty.

posted by Faktorial.com @ Wednesday, December 27, 2006 comments

(scroll down to see full NY Times story below)






Ethiopia Hits Somali Targets, Declaring War
By JEFFREY GETTLEMAN

Associated Press

The bodies of Islamist fighters, top, lay Sunday near Idaale, Somalia. Ethiopian warplanes struck deep inside Somalia territory, and tanks pushed farther into towns, in support of Somalia’s interim government.

ZANZIBAR, Tanzania, Dec. 24 — Ethiopia officially plunged into war with Somalia’s Islamist forces on Sunday, bombing targets inside Somalia and pushing ground troops deep into Somali territory in a major escalation that could turn Somalia’s internal crisis into a violent religious conflict that engulfs the entire Horn of Africa.

The coordinated assault was the first open admission by Ethiopia’s Christian-led government of its military operations inside Somalia, where — with tacit American support — it has been helping a weak interim government threatened by forces loyal to the Islamic clerics who control the longtime capital, Mogadishu, and much of the country.

Ethiopia’s prime minister, Meles Zenawi, said in a televised broadcast that he had ordered the action because he had no choice.

“Ethiopian defense forces were forced to enter into war to protect the sovereignty of the nation,” he said. “We are not trying to set up a government for Somalia, nor do we have an intention to meddle in Somalia’s internal affairs. We have only been forced by the circumstances.”

According to witnesses, Ethiopian fighter jets bombarded several towns, obliterating an Islamist recruitment center and other targets, while Ethiopian tanks rolled into battle. The attacks set off riots in Mogadishu, Somalia’s battle-scarred seaside capital, and fighting on several fronts in southern Somalia.

Ethiopia, which commands the region’s most powerful military, did not disclose how many troops, tanks or planes it had sent into Somalia, but the United Nations has said at least 8,000 Ethiopian soldiers may be in the country. Casualties were reported Sunday, but reliable estimates were impossible to ascertain.

Until now, Ethiopian officials had denied that they had any combat forces inside Somalia, saying instead that their involvement was limited to a few hundred military advisers.

Over the past few months, the Islamist clerics in Somalia have threatened Ethiopia for supporting their rivals, the internationally recognized transitional government.

On Saturday, after several days of heavy internal fighting, Islamist leaders announced that Somalia was now open to Muslim fighters around the world who wanted to wage a holy war against Ethiopia, a country with a long Christian history, even though it is about half Muslim.

“What did you expect us to do?” said Zemedkun Tekle, a spokesman for Ethiopia’s information ministry. “Wait for them to attack our cities?”

Even before Ethiopia’s escalation on Sunday, there were alarming signs that the conflict in Somalia could quickly spiral out of control. According to United Nations officials, at least 2,000 soldiers from Eritrea, which recently waged war with Ethiopia, are fighting for the Islamists. They have been joined by a growing number of Muslim mercenaries from Yemen, Egypt, Syria and Libya who want to turn Somalia into the third front of holy war, after Iraq and Afghanistan.

On Friday, residents of Mogadishu said they saw boatloads of armed men landing on the city’s rocky beaches. On Sunday, after the bombings, Islamist leaders boasted of bringing in more. Still, from the Ethiopian government’s viewpoint, the bombings may be delivering at least some of the desired effect.

For the first time since the Islamists came to power in Somalia in June and rapidly began expanding their reach, they seemed to be losing ground. In at least three places on Sunday — Idaale, Jawil and Bandiiradley — transitional government troops were pushing the Islamists back.

Residents of Beledweyne, near the Ethiopian border, said that after the Ethiopian jets pounded several armed pickup trucks belonging to the Islamists, the rest of the Islamist soldiers fled to the hills.

The bombs also destroyed a recruitment center and a fuel depot, killing at least 10 people, witnesses reported. Hours later, the transitional troops marched into the area, and a new mayor was installed.

Many of Beledweyne’s people seemed relieved, not so much about the change in government, but because the fighting appeared to have ended so fast.

“We’re so sick of war,” said Ahmed Issa, a shopkeeper in Beledweyne. “We’ll obey anybody.”

Much of Somalia has been mired in anarchy since 1991, when the central government collapsed, setting off a long, nasty interclan war. While the United Nations and donor countries struggled to get a new government on its feet, a grass-roots movement of Islamic courts began to gain power.

After Islamist leaders defeated the last of Mogadishu’s warlords, they immediately restored a sense of law and order unheard of in the capital for 15 years. Then they began pushing outward, eventually reaching the outskirts of Baidoa, the seat of the transitional government.

The transitional government has never been popular, and its military forces are divided between rival politicians, many of whom spend the majority of their time outside of Somalia. This summer, Ethiopia began slipping soldiers across the border to protect both the transitional government and Ethiopia itself.

The Islamists had threatened to liberate Somali-speaking areas of Ethiopia and stir up Ethiopia’s Muslim population.

American officials acknowledged that they tacitly supported Ethiopia’s approach because they felt it was the best way to check the growing power of the Islamists, whom American officials have accused of sheltering terrorists tied with Al Qaeda. A State Department spokesperson in Washington said Sunday that the United States was assessing reports of the surge in fighting in Somalia but provided no further comment.

A major question going forward seems to be whether Ethiopian forces will advance into Mogadishu and try to finish off the Islamist military, a possibility that many fear could spur a long and ugly insurgency, or simply deal the Islamists enough of a blow to force them back to negotiations with the transitional government.

The rival authorities in Somalia have flirted with the idea of sharing power, but several rounds of peace talks have produced little but broken promises.

In a hint of a possible direction to come, Ethiopia’s prime minister recently told American officials that he could wipe out the Islamists “ in one to two weeks.”

But many analysts fear that the presence of Ethiopian troops in Somalia will only make matters worse, because of the history of conflict between Ethiopians and Somalis. The two nations have battled over contested border areas before, and the difference of religions, with Somalia almost purely Muslim, has often been an aggravating factor.

On Sunday, as word began to spread that Ethiopian planes were bombing Somalia, students in Mogadishu rushed into the streets and began rioting. They kicked in doors and smashed plate glass windows, yelling at the few shopkeepers still open: “This is not time for business! This is time for war!”

The Islamists are using teenagers as their main fighting force. Last week, right after heavy combat began between the Islamist troops and the transitional government forces, Islamist leaders closed all schools in Mogadishu to funnel more young people into battle.

Witnesses in frontline areas have said that waves of young, poorly trained Islamist fighters have been mowed down by Ethiopian troops. Ethiopia’s military is trained by American advisers and is supplied with millions of dollars of American aid.

On Sunday, Abdulrahim Ali Modei, the Islamists’ information minister, conceded at a news conference that many of the Islamist troops had been killed, but he did not sound discouraged.

“These are victories,” he said. “Our soldiers are in paradise now.”

Yussuf Maxamuud and Mohammed Ibrahim contributed reporting from Mogadishu, Somalia.

read the rest of this faktorial here!

Six Dead in Rumsfeld’s First Week as Girl Scout Leader

Washington D.C. - What began as a street fair to raise money and awareness for Girl Scouts, ended in mayhem and tragedy. Six scouts died and dozens were trampled by a hostile, hungry mob. The girls had run out of cookies. Unfazed by the absence of additional vendors, Donald Rumsfeld saw no reason to postpone his inaugural event as the group’s new President. The 74-year old Rumsfeld, who was fired as Defense Secretary for making Saddam Hussein look brilliant, recently jumped at the chance to practice his innovative, tactical strategies on pliable, pre-pubescent girls.

Anne Kirkland, who attended the fair with her daughter Ashley, knew immediately something was amiss. "I’ve been to over twenty of these. You normally see the same crafts and clothing vendors and tons of food stands. You know, the big-breasted Italian sausage guy, the scruffy Middle Eastern guy with dirty fingernails juicing pineapples, and that Vietnamese couple serving brown skewers of something that could catch a Frisbee. This time, all I saw was ten girls selling cookies.”

“Just before the awning collapsed, I remember an obese woman pounding on the counter, yelling for Macaroons,” sobbed Mrs. Kirkland. “One of the girls peed in her uniform. That’s like four demerits. By the time the Mallomars ran out, the place looked like Fallujah.”

At a press conference this morning, Mr. Rumsfeld deflected criticism of the event. "I wouldn't have changed a thing. Sure, I expected to find BLT’s. My intelligence experts insisted there’d be BLT’s, KFC’s, PB&J’s, and BBQ’s, but there weren’t.” He added, “This is war, people. You go in with the cookies you have, not the cookies you want.”

Mr. Rumsfeld also outlined his plan to “reduce dependence on foreign pastries and develop a smaller, swifter force that can handle hostile snacking environments with minimal pedocide." He emphasized, “We can’t have a bunch of weak, lily-livered, cookie mongers piss and run at the first sign of anarchy, like little girls or Democrats.”

To realize his vision, Mr. Rumsfeld announced partnerships with Belarus, Kazakhstan, and Barbados, who agreed to provide moral support and five scouts each, to help stabilize the next street fair. Boris Sagdiyev, Kazakhstan’s Minister of Education noted, “We are very proud to help glorious nation of Girl Scout. We insure Lord Rumsfield that despite their mustaches, pregnant belly, and lumpy vagines, scouts from Kazakhstan is definitely girls. High five! “ Mr. Sagdiyev added, “We very much excite to teach American girl to shoot dog, pull plow, and make traditional meal of ferment gypsy livers with onion and goat testes. Great success!”

by faktorial.com – where Macaroons and goat testes coexist in peace and harmony

read the rest of this faktorial here!

Planet of the Steaks, November 2062

What began as an effort to comfort and pamper livestock before slaughter, has led to an epic battle for animal civil rights. Moolcolm X, the rebellious organizer of last week’s Million Cow Munch, a defiant grazing event in Woodstock New York, has demanded an end to all animal consumption and teat-pulling.

Seeds of the animal liberation movement were planted in late 2006 when farmers began building spas, hoof salons, and dance studios for their cows, pigs, and goats. Some chickens even received grief counseling after their eggs were taken away. At first, the programs helped guilty carnivores feel good about themselves and their $75 porterhouse. Consumers even paid hefty premiums for meat that died with comprehensive dental benefits, a 401K plan, and a shared passion for Desperate Housewives and CSI: Miami.

Difficulties surfaced around 2020, when some farm animals developed stubborn preferences. Sloppy pigs would only watch the NFL or Home Shopping Network. Lazy cows refused to be milked until they saw an entire Rachel Ray Show. Strangely, goats were mesmerized by Al Jazeera. Many would chew through their ropes and ram their horns through the TV whenever they saw Jews. Hundreds of anti-Semitic goats died this way until farmers agreed to let them wear their beards long, observe Ramadan, and wear burkas in their ID photos.

Soon farm animals began to acquire basic speech and critical thinking patterns not unlike those of Born-Again Kansasonians. In 2035, after earning his Grade Equivalency Degree, Sir Loin became England’s first non-human to be knighted since Keith Richards.

Sir Loin’s achievements inspired and emboldened animals around the world. Bovine everywhere demanded education and jobs that did not begin with their teats and end with Worcestershire sauce. Under legal pressure from PETA and the ACLU, Sir Loin became the first buffalo to compete on ‘F**king with the Stars’, a FOX reality series. (In an emotional finale, Sir Loin was soundly out-f**ked by Cody Lee-Gifford and lost.)

Animal achievements extended to all species. In 2047, Flipper Finkelstein, an Orthodox dolphin, was credited with restructuring Best Buy’s lackluster customer service division. His accomplishment was somewhat tarnished when the company took an $8B loss on electronics damaged when several stores were filled with water to accommodate new, amphibious sales reps.

Not all animals have excelled. Chickens still prefer to spend their days walking into walls and defecating on each other. Experts predict that their defiant clucks will ultimately doom humanity to a life of tofu consumption. While tofu is not generally believed to crave independence, scientists are studying the matter.

Fearing reprisals from his flock, one Nebraska farmer ruminated anonymously on the controversy, “Over thousands of years, we were hunters who won the right to eat anything we wanted. Now, we’ve squandered our evolutionary victory. I’m going to scream if I see another cockroach with a picket sign!”

Ming Tso, a Chinese farmer had a much different perspective, “We invite our most educated animals over for drinks and passionate debate. Then, we kill and eat them down to the eyeballs. Over rice.”


by faktorial.com – where there’s nothing we wouldn’t barbecue. nothing.


From the New York Times:

Meat Labels Hope to Lure the Sensitive Carnivore

read the rest of this faktorial here!

COMMENTARY: How I Plan to Protect the Children...Those Little Bastards

It's Time We Eliminate the Limitless Supply of Victims

If there’s anything we’ve learned over the past few days, it’s that kids are leading America to ruin. This week alone, we lost Mark Foley, a respected Congressman, who succumbed to a House full of nubile, hairless, teen bait. Then, a father of three was driven to madness and murder by a school full of little Amish temptresses. These are not isolated examples. There are juvenile operatives all over this country targeting effeminate politicians, marginal celebrities and our uniquely American brand of denial and homosexual suppression. They must be stopped. Kids have surpassed terrorism as the greatest threat to our democracy and they must be stopped. I say, you’re either with us, or you’re with the children.

Consider the case of Mark Foley. The man sacrificed marriage, family, and countless hours on his Blackberry to crusade against child predators, nudist camps, and skinny dipping. Certainly there were no signs that anything was amiss. Then, after a few suggestive e-mails to a boy or two, every Republican abandons ship as if it were just boarded by the cast of Rent. When things were going well, Hastert, Bush, and company were perfectly happy getting political lap dances from Mr. Foley. That is, until something lumpy brushed against their cheeks and they suddenly realized they were in Lucky Cheng’s. Even Al Michaels dutifully stood by OJ until all the bloody gloves came back from the Laundromat. Luckily, OJ wasn’t victimized by a bunch of underage terrorteens or he’d never have gotten that second chance to look for the real killer.

Everywhere you turn, scantily-clad kids are flailed in front of weak-willed adults. Like Jews and liquor dangled in front of Mel Gibson, they hope to corrupt our Christian values and expose the Woody (Allen) throbbing beneath the surface. We’re surrounded. Calvin Klein ads, kiddy beauty pageants, Little League, and Pimp My Laguna Sweet 16 on MTV. No doubt the Amish killer, like many sexually repressed Americans, was fully prepared to lead perfectly normal, secret life, until those butter-churning vamps got to him. (Brief word to the Amish: GET A PHONE! …they’re big fans of faktorial.com).

Consider all we’ve lost because of our reckless coddling of children:

• Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher deprived us of Joey Buttafuoco, one of our nation’s greatest mechanics.
• Suggestively attired Jon Benet, continues to claim victims – even after her death. Innocent perverts from around the world still clamor to stand in her spotlight.
• Kids were used as weapons to take Michael Jackson away from us. We now sit in silence, deprived of his music and sexually ambiguous dancing. The whole ordeal nearly turned him white.
• It was also children who made us feel bad about seeing sister Janet’s breast at the Super Bowl. I refuse to feel bad about a seeing a breast ever again, unless it’s Bea Arthur’s or Jason Alexander’s!
• Jerry Lee Lewis married a 12 year old. Maybe his great balls caught fire, but it took him 35 years to put out a new album.
• Remember Joe Piscopo? Eddie Murphy doesn’t. Joe married his babysitter, whom he met when she was 14. Heard any funny jokes from Joe lately?

See my point? Dare I even count all the priests we’ve lost?

Sure, I know what you’re thinking, ‘who can be against kids?’, considering everything they’ve contributed to our culture. If not for kids, we wouldn’t have Raffi, Barney and Teletubbies. I’d argue that without kids, we wouldn’t have Raffi, Barney OR Teletubbies!! Case closed.

Before another piñata gets filled with condoms and chloroform for the next Congressional Page Mixer, it’s time we took a stand. It’s not enough to just hope no one exhumes a decomposed boy scout troop from Trent Lott’s back yard. We must childproof this country like the crate of Vicodin at Rush Limbaugh’s house:

1. Seal our borders – not from Mexicans, as Pat Buchanan insists, but from all the children that slip into this country every day through birth canals, c-sections, and Britney Spears.

2. The President must declare a state of emergency and send troops (or crossing guards – whoever’s not in yet Iraq) into every school, arcade and rectory to apprehend the most tempting children. The kids would then be sent to Jesus Camp at Guantanamo until they reach the age of consent. (And, I’m not talking about Alabama where it’s 12. I’m talking Tehran, where it’s 34.) Of course, the kids would be afforded all the cushy niceties allowed by the Geneva convention, unless we need to get them to talk.

3. For any kids we do keep around, they must be clad in head-to-toe burkas so they do not act as objects of desire.

I believe this approach will allow us to reclaim this nation's grand, Puritanical heritage. Finally, homosexuals can proudly return to their closets and sit there, quietly. Sure, some may deem this harsh. I deem it a glorious return to the 1950's, a Golden Age for real Americans like Herbert Hoover and Rock Hudson . It was a time when sissy nonsense like tolerance-mongering and compassionate parenting were just fruity fantasies. Together, we can bring those times back. Can you imagine a world where even the most spectacular perverts are safe from children? I can. If not for us, for God sakes, let's do it for the children.

- by faktorial.com – where common sense and satire stare at each other in uncomfortable silence

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COMMENTARY: Mustafa, Show Me the Lubriderm!

Seems like the last faktorial, US & Britain Bans Passengers from All Flights got a few readers all riled up. Good! Apparently, I failed to thank the government for taking away my Clearasil in the name of safety. As I finger a budding, but unaddressable zit on my flight home, I'll explain why these new rules are actually making us LESS safe and considerably uglier.

Any time or resources spent prying creamy, delicious Skippy peanut butter from the bloated carcasses of Midwestern tourists is time NOT spent targeting real threats to our national security, like disgruntled Pakistanis, Scientologists and flamboyant priests. As a result, we DIVERT precious resources AWAY from those plotting terror or those planning to chase Mikey Jr. around the rectory.

This is a pivotal moment for us all...are we really prepared to sacrifice our lives for the illusion of safety? Have we gotten so politically correct that we can’t admit that twitchy Mustafa's Lubriderm needs a little more attention than Jessica Simpson's Proactiv? Everyone knows pretty girls don't explode.

Before you drop your tofu, my righteous, liberal friend, take a walk on the Dark Side with me. Let's explore every Southern Republican's secret solution to ending crime: stopping every black male who's ever been in or near a Mercedes. That's right, we're talking profiling, but the good kind.

Profiling, when done right, is not about race or targeting a particular type of person, it's about subjugating minorities. Kidding. Actually, it's more like using Match.com to find a vegan girl who likes surfing. It doesn't mean you have anything against meat eaters or snow-boarders. (It does mean you'll be alone forever since no one's ever seen a vegan strong enough to swim.) My point is terror profiling should not be malicious or discriminatory. It's a way to find patterns of behaviors and characteristics that make finding malicious Arabs fun and exciting.

We'd be foolish to think profiling isn't happening already. Everyone pretends like Mohammed didn't just trigger a massive silent alarm. Instead, we wait and watch Chinese grandmothers and exotic dancers named Violet get deprived of their rightful ointments. Everyone waits - including poor Mohammed, who's now late for a business dinner.

My solution?

1. Stop calling ex-Wal-Mart clerks "security agents". Hire real agents, or at least Target's Employee of the Month.
   
2. Have El-Al train these new agents to find real terrorist threats, not toothpaste.
3. Stop insulting our intelligence with pointless searches. Don't you think Mickey Rourke's embarrassed enough flying coach?

And, if I happen to fit the profile they're looking for, then cavity search me. Over and over, if you have to. 'Till you find my weapon, or until we're officially in a relationship.

So, let that creepy, sunburned cougar woman have her moisturizer...please.

by faktorial.com - where both Liberals and Conservatives get free shelter, a warm meal and a big, wet kiss

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US & Britain Ban Passengers on All Flights

Today, the Department of Homeland Security announced that until further notice, all passengers will be banned from domestic and international flights. A five week investigation led by US and British authorities uncovered that all 10 suspected terror cells planned to blow up planes using one common weapon: passengers.

In his press conference this afternoon, President Bush did not mince words, "It's clear we must stop evil-doer passengers from hurting good-doer passengers. This is difficult. We have instructated all airport personnel to separate 'passengers' from 'non-passengers'. Folks identified as non-passengers such as razor blades, shoes, iPods and liquid will be allowed to fly. Folks deemed to be passengers must be disposed of at the terminal."

John Eldridge, a senior British security official, stated that one risk remains: pilots and flight attendants. "A ban on flight crews is not completely out of the question. A suicidal pilot could endanger the lives of 436 razor blades, 211 bottles of shampoo, and 305 liters of moisturizer with one carefully placed explosive."

An anonymous security official for Israel's El-Al, widely considered the world's most secure airline, laughed at the new policy. "We just stop and search all the Arabs," he stated. "We plan to continue allowing passengers and grooming products onboard our planes."

FedEx and UPS also complained that the new policy would create unfair competition by effectively turning passenger airlines into shipping companies. In response, FedEx and UPS have decided to enter the "human transport" business, where properly packed individuals will ship for $2 to $ 4 per pound, depending on the destination.

As soon as he heard about the new service, Jack Larsen, 28, of Cleveland rushed to his local FedEx Kinko's. He hoped to ship himself to London, where his razor blades and luggage are now on vacation. As Mr. Larsen's sister packed him into his cardboard and foam-peanut cocoon, Mr. Larsen echoed the frustration of fellow travelers, "$430 to have your carry-ons fly Coach while you fly Crate is just absurd. I just hope my toiletries don't raid the hotel mini-bar before I get there."


By faktorial.com - where the truth hurts - a lot!

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US Poll Proves Earth is Flat

Earth is Flat: Poll Completely Scientific With Charts And Everything

In a poll released today, 64% of Americans believe the earth is flat. Fourteen percent believed it was very, very flat. Six percent ate the survey form. Despite centuries of globular representations of the earth, telescopic photos of other planets, and photos from the Space Shuttle clearly showing a round earth, American public opinion begs to differ.

In response to the survey results, Republican senator Bill Frist proposed a Constitutional amendment to change public school textbooks to reflect the new findings. "At the very least, I believe the flat earth theory should be taught alongside the so-called round-earth theory," proposed the senator. "However, we must never forget all those brave European explorers whose ships fell off the edge of the earth in the 1500's and 1600's. I will forever honor their sacrifices, as long as there is oxygen in my kidneys and blood surges through my lymph nodes."

In Kansas, the state best known for replacing its evolution curriculum with creationism, held a massive rally to celebrate the survey. Revelers brought thousands of globes, which were flattened under a giant steamroller. Attendees proudly waved maps and signs like "Flatt iz Beutifull", "Tich Our Childrens Well" and "Sun? What sun??".

In a related story, a Korean elementary school class was awarded first place at the World Science Forum for using dinosaur fossils to clone a T-Rex. In response to videotape of the achievement, Pat Robertson, of The Christian Coalition, denied the existence of fossils, dinosaurs and Koreans.


--> For more unadulterated, satirical brilliance, visit www.faktorial.com - always original, never bashful. Never.

Think this fake story is far fetched? See the article below from today's New York Times. Shocking...
_______________________________________________








New York Times:

Teaching of Creationism Is Endorsed in New Survey


By LAURIE GOODSTEIN
Published: August 31, 2005

In a finding that is likely to intensify the debate over what to teach students about the origins of life, a poll released yesterday found that nearly two-thirds of Americans say that creationism should be taught alongside evolution in public schools.

The poll found that 42 percent of respondents held strict creationist views, agreeing that "living things have existed in their present form since the beginning of time."

In contrast, 48 percent said they believed that humans had evolved over time. But of those, 18 percent said that evolution was "guided by a supreme being," and 26 percent said that evolution occurred through natural selection. In all, 64 percent said they were open to the idea of teaching creationism in addition to evolution, while 38 percent favored replacing evolution with creationism.

The poll was conducted July 7-17 by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life and the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press. The questions about evolution were asked of 2,000 people. The margin of error was 2.5 percentage points.

John C. Green, a senior fellow at the Pew Forum, said he was surprised to see that teaching both evolution and creationism was favored not only by conservative Christians, but also by majorities of secular respondents, liberal Democrats and those who accept the theory of natural selection. Mr. Green called it a reflection of "American pragmatism."

"It's like they're saying, 'Some people see it this way, some see it that way, so just teach it all and let the kids figure it out.' It seems like a nice compromise, but it infuriates both the creationists and the scientists," said Mr. Green, who is also a professor at the University of Akron in Ohio.

Eugenie C. Scott, the director of the National Center for Science Education and a prominent defender of evolution, said the findings were not surprising because "Americans react very positively to the fairness or equal time kind of argument."

"In fact, it's the strongest thing that creationists have got going for them because their science is dismal," Ms. Scott said. "But they do have American culture on their side."

This year, the National Center for Science Education has tracked 70 new controversies over evolution in 26 states, some in school districts, others in the state legislatures.

President Bush joined the debate on Aug. 2, telling reporters that both evolution and the theory of intelligent design should be taught in schools "so people can understand what the debate is about."

Senator Bill Frist of Tennessee, the Republican leader, took the same position a few weeks later.

Intelligent design, a descendant of creationism, is the belief that life is so intricate that only a supreme being could have designed it.

The poll showed 41 percent of respondents wanted parents to have the primary say over how evolution is taught, compared with 28 percent who said teachers and scientists should decide and 21 percent who said school boards should. Asked whether they believed creationism should be taught instead of evolution, 38 percent were in favor, and 49 percent were opposed.

More of those who believe in creationism said they were "very certain" of their views (63 percent), compared with those who believe in evolution (32 percent).

The poll also asked about religion and politics, government financing of religious charities, and gay men and lesbians in the military. Most of these questions were asked of a smaller pool of 1,000 respondents, and the margin of error was 2.5 percentage points, Pew researchers said.

The public's impression of the Democratic Party has changed in the last year, the survey found. Only 29 percent of respondents said they viewed Democrats as being "friendly toward religion," down from 40 percent in August of 2004. Meanwhile, 55 percent said the Republican Party was friendly toward religion.

Luis E. Lugo, the director of the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life, said: "I think this is a continuation of the Republican Party's very successful use of the values issue in the 2004 election, and the Democrats not being able up until now to answer that successfully. Some of the more visible leaders, such as Howard Dean and others, have reinforced that image of a secular party. Of course, if you look at the Democratic Party, there's a large religious constituency there."

Survey respondents agreed in nearly equal numbers that nonreligious liberals had "too much control" over the Democratic Party (44 percent), and that religious conservatives had too much control over the Republican Party (45 percent).

On religion-based charities, two-thirds of respondents favored allowing churches and houses of worship to apply for government financing to provide social services. But support for such financing declined from 75 percent in early 2001, when Mr. Bush rolled out his religion-based initiative.

On gay men and lesbians in the military, 58 percent of those polled said they should be allowed to serve openly, a modest increase from 1994, when 52 percent agreed. Strong opposition has fallen in that time, to 15 percent from 26 percent in 1994.

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Another Disaster? America Says, "F--- 'em!"

Dear (Insert Disaster Stricken Leader's Name Here),

The recent quake in Pakistan has moved us all deeply. On behalf of the United States, I would like to say, "Are you f--kin' kidding me with this?" Half of the black people in New Orleans are still floating somewhere. We still haven't built anything where the World Trade Center was! And Saddam Hussein looks trim, fit and ready to start cleaning up the money-sucking mess we made in Iraq.

Sure, the Tsunami was a bit depressing - even bumped the last episode of 'Everybody Loves Raymond' by a half hour. Let me tell you, we all felt bad. We coughed up a bunch of cash, tolerated performances by a seventy five year old Modonna - without the bullet bra. And did I mention the lectures by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. BRAD F--KING PITT!?!?! Of course, we soon learned there weren't that many survivors to help, just a ton of new beachfront property for multinational hotels to build on.

Not long after, the US, the richest country in the world, forgot to send buses to keep black people from drowning in a flood. (A flood god promised George Bush and Pat Robertson). Let's face it, by now, no one cared. Most of the whites were out and watching the thing on cable and everything seemed back to normal. We were finally ready for the new season of Desperate Lost Enthusiasm.

Then, God-dammit, another disaster!!! PAKISTAN??? You know, it's just bad timing. I know it was the worst one - like seven gazillion people died. Let's face it, none of them were Nielson households. And none of them shopped at The Gap or knew how to pronounce "Vente Mocchiatta Latte". Sorry, Pakistan. I know you're an ally in the terribly successful war on terror and you've got great patterns and fabrics, but you're on your own.

I hope the fundamentalists are wrong. I really hope it's not God foretelling the coming of the Messiah or the end of the world. I hope it's just part of a bold new marketing campaign for Jesus.

God Bless America. And remember, you're either with us, or you're...uhm...you're not with us.

Sincerely,
faktorial.com - the resting home for brilliance

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Head of White People Admits to Staging Hurricane

White Hurricane Targets Blacks

Delays helping the poor, black population of disaster-stricken New Orleans have led to suspicions that whites purposely staged the disaster to eliminate blacks. Today, those suspicions were validated when Colonel John Sanders, the Head of White People (a.k.a. "The Man"), admitted to the nefarious plot.

“To be honest with you, we didn’t think it would work. We had scientists working round the clock to come up with something. Then, lo and behold, there it was!” Mr. Sanders revealed at his press conference from his new home in Baton Rouge. “We must have gotten up at around three A.M., lined up in a row and just started blowing as hard as we could. Who knew, several hundred thousand white people blowing can create that kind of wind? It’s really a tribute to the will and strength of the human spirit.”

As relief efforts stalled and desperate cries for help were ignored by the Republican administration, many Southern whites expressed great optimism. Previous efforts by whites such as menthol cigarettes, carcinogen-laced fried chicken, AIDS, crack and malt liquor have largely failed to eliminate blacks.

When a reporter asked if he felt bad about all the hungry, desperate, black people who could not escape the disaster because they did not own cars, Mr. Sanders paused then replied, “I admire their undying commitment to public transportation and energy conservation.”

When New Orleans is rebuilt, the whites plan to fill all service jobs previously held by blacks with Mexicans. Details on the plan were not available, but Mr. Sanders expressed concern that “Mexicans are much better swimmers” and could present a bigger problem should the plan need to be aborted.

The Head of Blacks, Al Sharpton, was not immediately available for comment.

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Vinny "The Toe" Cortelli to Host 3rd Annual Golden Guido Awards

Not to be outdone by all the Oscars hooplah, the Academy of Construction Arts (ACA) just announced the host of the 2005 Golden Guido Awards. Vinny "The Toe" Cortelli, best known for his innovations in "toe discipline" in the fields of construction and waste management, will host the festivities. The show, in its third year, pays tribute to people in "real jobs" like construction, laundry, restaurant and club management, and garbage collection.

"It's about f-ckn' time," said Pudgy "da Fish" Tucci, a close associate of Mr. Cortelli. "Acting? It's a pile of sh-t. I wanna see Hilary Swank get a 500% return on a friggin' laundromat on Flatbush Avenue."

Mr. Cortelli, or "The Toe" as his friends call him, echoed those sympathies, "I seen guys hit in da head with hot rivets. Where is their trophy? I've seen a couple of guys accidentally fall down two, tree flights of stairs and still show up for work at seven da next day. I'd be proud to hand dat man a Golden Guido, no matta how many broken fingas he's got."

Last year's big winner, Poochie, walked away with three Golden Guidos including "Fastest Trunk Disinfection" and the coveted "Most Mortified Shopkeeper" awards. The show will air on FOX this Sunday at 9PM before a special episode of Cops, filmed after the awards ceremony.


Excite News

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Army Readies First Downs Syndrome Battalion as Non-Retarded Recruitment Slows

As instability in Iraq escalates, the US military is experiencing slow recruitment. Even existing soldiers are unusually sluggish in showing up for duty. Some have spent all their time off at fast food chains like Wendy's and Taco Bell hoping to put on enough weight to be deemed unfit for duty. Others have begun taking hormones and showing up with breasts, hoping to re-take basic training as girls or menopausal women.

In response to a recent Gallup poll that showed most young Americans have a strong aversion to dying in combat, the military has turned to a previously untapped source of military might - retards. According to Gallup, individuals with Downs Syndrome have overwhelmingly not heard of Iraq, terrorism or the letter 'Q'. "The military saw an opportunity and siezed it," said Jim Ingersol, Director of Research at Gallup. "In some ways, they may be the perfect soldier, except for the drooling, perhaps."

The military has kept this strategy secret for quite some time. However, rumors of problems began to swirl. "Apparently, [the retarded recruits] kept firing on each other during training," said one Army official on the condition of anonymity. "Occasionally, the recruits would eat all their rations in one sitting, fall asleep during barbed wire crawling exercises, and create small fires while attempting to barbecue their uniforms indoors."

Unofficially, the army is optimistic that they have finally found a formula for success. Each new "Special Soldier" now receives a coat hanger to stay focused. New uniforms and equipment are now coated in Velcro so retarded soldiers can attach themselves to each other, in case they get scared in the dark. The army has not yet disclosed the nature of its recent purchase of four tons of chocolate licorice and seven thousand bunny costumes.

by faktorial.com - where the retarded write, not fight


The New York Times > Washington > Its Recruitment Goals Pressing, the Army Will Ease Some Standards

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Dan Rather Beheaded By Pro-Bush Militants

Dan Rather. the legendary CBS News anchor and reporter was beheaded today by a militant faction of the US Government called "the FBI." Rather, who two days earlier was kidnapped from CBS world headquarters in New York, was believed to be targeted by the Bush administration for his report on how patronage helped George W. Bush avoid military service during the Vietnam War. Although the report proved to be false, several members affiliated with the Don Rumsfeld Brigade swore vengeance on Rather and CBS.

A grainy video tape was posted on www.bushordie.net that appeared to show the CBS journalist kneeling before the camera pleading for exclusive rights to air his own beheading on the CBS Evening News, which could desperately use a ratings boost. The assailants, wearing OJ Simpson masks, ignored Rather's pleas and violently beheaded him with what appeared to be a monogrammed sheath. Upon closer examination, experts believe the initials to be "D.C." Some believe this to be the work of Dick Cheney, who is widely acknowledged as George Bush's second in command and the most brutal of the US militants. Further observation of the tape supports this claim as the executioner appeared to breathe heavily under his OJ mask and paused frequently during the beheading to catch his breath, take asthma medication, and have his pulse rate checked by one of the other OJ's.

In a press conference held today, that conspicuously excluded any CBS reporters, President Bush said "We will stop at nothing to find and erradiculate these evildoers!" It is widely believed that the President was not referring to the murderous militants, but to the employees of CBS, their immediate families and the producers of "CSI: Poconos".

In what appeared to be a series of related incidents, CBS journalist Connie Chung was severely beaten by a group of elderly Christian women visiting New York from Alabama and '60 Minutes' commentators Andy Rooney and Morley Safer were rushed to the hospital preemptively in anticipation of even the slightest tussle, each is believed to be 114 years old. In response to these tragic events, '60 Minutes' creator Don Hewitt was quoted as saying, "Mmmmmm...mmmmnnnmm," as his mouth was covered with a chloroform-soaked rag and he was dragged by heavily armed militiamen into a navy blue van with government-issued license plates.

by faktorial.com - where we only behead as a last resort

New York Daily News - Politics - Dan's darkest day

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US Basketball Team Surrenders Bling; Blames Ho's, Usher

In a surprising announcement, Allen Iverson confessed that he and his teammates no longer have a shot at Olympic gold. Apparently, competing teams hired "thousands of ho's" to visit NBA players' rooms and drain them of their powers.

"It got so bad at one point, I couldn't lift the TV remote," said Tim Duncan, who only played 19 minutes in a loss against Argentina. When he did play, he limped heavily and could barely guard Roberto Santos, or "Blanco Gigante", considered the biggest, whitest man to ever play in Argentina. At the time, the nature of Duncan's injury was undisclosed, but an AP reporter saw a trainer applying a massive ice pack to the NBA MVP's lower torso.

According to the US Olympics Committee, competing teams have been nursing the strategy for almost two years. Some countries even held underground training camps to ensure only the fittest girls made the cut. The women were given fine linge