God: I Can't Hear You! Neenerneenerneenerneeenrnee...

Thirty three dead at Virginia Tech. 9/11. Howard K. Stern. What else will convince you to stop freakin’ praying to me? Waaaah!! I want the Red Sox to win!! Waaahh! I have crabs and I’m not fulfilled! Waaahhh! I wanted the Nano, not the Shuffle! Shut up already! I’m sick of your whining!

Don't you realize – I DON’T CARE?!? King of Queens has been on for nine seasons!!! NINE seasons!! Has anyone you know ever come up to you and said, “Hey, did you see King of Queens last night?” NO! Why do you think that is, Genius?

You see, it all started with a big bang. At first, it was all rocks, fire, and methane – kind of like Baghdad on a good day. I was sooo bored. I started to tinker. First, a few little organisms. Then, seaweed. LAME! So, I invited Zeus, Vishnu, and Xena, the Warrior Princess, for a brainstorming session at the Hades Hilton. Yoda, the Keebler Elves, and Mephistopheles hosted breakout sessions. Thor facilitated the icebreaker exercise. (Nice job, Thor!) Lunch was on the promenade (where incidentally, my Sprint phone had no reception!).

Anyway, we came up with two projects – one in the Milky Way and one in the Sirius Galaxy. You see, the Sirius project would be micro-managed by me and Xena (what great hooves she has!). The project on Earth was to be completely self-managed by something called “evolution”. Sally Field came up with that one. (She’s older than she’ll have you believe.) Anyway, we took bets to see who'd be first to beat CSI: Alpha Centauri's ratings on WGOD-4, our local cable access channel.

It wasn’t long before Xena and I had 12 Angry Green Men, 45,544,642 Rock, and My Name is Knoblob on Must-See-Thursdays. Our clips were all over jewtube.god. We even had an alien manage-a-trios during ratings sweeps.

Sally wasn’t having much luck with Evolution Wednesdays. The ratings stunk! For the first billion years, it was cells multiplying. It should have been cancelled after that stupid Protozoa Hunter mini-series. They incinerated the producer and promised to add Heather Locklear to the cast. So, your crappy show stayed on. Finally, after 2 billion years of rodents and big, retarded dinosaurs humping, we had something interesting – humans. You were smarter than the clods that came before you. And, you were the only thing that could compete with the new Sirius Spice adult channel. (Yeah, you guessed it – aliens humping. What did you expect from the writers of Blossom?)

So here we are. You have great ratings, so we can’t kill you. But, you’re still a bunch of sissy assholes. Scores of you die each day. Still, you’re constantly praying and whining even though no one ever, ever answers. (Though, every once in a while, Xena does screw with Bill O’Reilly because he’s such a righteous prick.) To be fair, if I had a penis and long hair like you dummies portray me with, I wouldn’t mind a piece of Lance Bass. He’s dreamy!

Till then, don’t expect any miracles and keep voting Republican. It’s really great television!


By Faktorial.com – where we’d gladly go to hell if it had more channels.

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Pant-less Pensioner Topples Islam

A frisky, old codger in a two story hat,
Just called all of Islam “stupid, violent and fat”
With a wink and a smile, moderate Muslims went nuts,
Demanding his head in a bag with his guts

How shrewd a response, un-ironic to boot,
Muslims, so graceful, as you ready, aim, shoot
Jihads, slit throats, and exploding teen boys,
(Priests hate to expend such sweet, supple toys )

Right, wrong or insane, dear Muslims, R.E.L.A.X!
Light up a fat blunt; wipe that blood off your axe
When Messiah arrives, he’ll clear up this whole mess,
Or, he’ll toss you some virgins in a black, shapeless dress

Take solace that statements like those by the Pope,
Are desperate, last breaths of a faith on the ropes
In Europe, the only flock near a Pugh
Is a Japanese tour group with Nikon D52’s

While Africans die of AIDS, war, and neglect,
U.S. Evangelicals give us fools to elect
The only remains of the Catholic regime,
Are a drunk Irish stripper and Peru’s dodgeball team

So how does the Church compete nowadays,
With TV and TiVo and Tsunamis and gays?
We have JDate, V1aG.R-A, and that flirt Suri Cruise,
How ‘bout a new show where she dates famous Jews?

I say grumpy, old Popes shouldn’t ruin our fun,
So, priests grab each other, a Rabbi, or nun
Let’s rejoice in the glory of love and the skin,
Before Muslims put bombs in the Jeeps that we’re in


- by faktorial.com – fanning the flames of religious tolerance with both rhyme and reason

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US Poll Proves Earth is Flat

Earth is Flat: Poll Completely Scientific With Charts And Everything

In a poll released today, 64% of Americans believe the earth is flat. Fourteen percent believed it was very, very flat. Six percent ate the survey form. Despite centuries of globular representations of the earth, telescopic photos of other planets, and photos from the Space Shuttle clearly showing a round earth, American public opinion begs to differ.

In response to the survey results, Republican senator Bill Frist proposed a Constitutional amendment to change public school textbooks to reflect the new findings. "At the very least, I believe the flat earth theory should be taught alongside the so-called round-earth theory," proposed the senator. "However, we must never forget all those brave European explorers whose ships fell off the edge of the earth in the 1500's and 1600's. I will forever honor their sacrifices, as long as there is oxygen in my kidneys and blood surges through my lymph nodes."

In Kansas, the state best known for replacing its evolution curriculum with creationism, held a massive rally to celebrate the survey. Revelers brought thousands of globes, which were flattened under a giant steamroller. Attendees proudly waved maps and signs like "Flatt iz Beutifull", "Tich Our Childrens Well" and "Sun? What sun??".

In a related story, a Korean elementary school class was awarded first place at the World Science Forum for using dinosaur fossils to clone a T-Rex. In response to videotape of the achievement, Pat Robertson, of The Christian Coalition, denied the existence of fossils, dinosaurs and Koreans.


--> For more unadulterated, satirical brilliance, visit www.faktorial.com - always original, never bashful. Never.

Think this fake story is far fetched? See the article below from today's New York Times. Shocking...
_______________________________________________








New York Times:

Teaching of Creationism Is Endorsed in New Survey


By LAURIE GOODSTEIN
Published: August 31, 2005

In a finding that is likely to intensify the debate over what to teach students about the origins of life, a poll released yesterday found that nearly two-thirds of Americans say that creationism should be taught alongside evolution in public schools.

The poll found that 42 percent of respondents held strict creationist views, agreeing that "living things have existed in their present form since the beginning of time."

In contrast, 48 percent said they believed that humans had evolved over time. But of those, 18 percent said that evolution was "guided by a supreme being," and 26 percent said that evolution occurred through natural selection. In all, 64 percent said they were open to the idea of teaching creationism in addition to evolution, while 38 percent favored replacing evolution with creationism.

The poll was conducted July 7-17 by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life and the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press. The questions about evolution were asked of 2,000 people. The margin of error was 2.5 percentage points.

John C. Green, a senior fellow at the Pew Forum, said he was surprised to see that teaching both evolution and creationism was favored not only by conservative Christians, but also by majorities of secular respondents, liberal Democrats and those who accept the theory of natural selection. Mr. Green called it a reflection of "American pragmatism."

"It's like they're saying, 'Some people see it this way, some see it that way, so just teach it all and let the kids figure it out.' It seems like a nice compromise, but it infuriates both the creationists and the scientists," said Mr. Green, who is also a professor at the University of Akron in Ohio.

Eugenie C. Scott, the director of the National Center for Science Education and a prominent defender of evolution, said the findings were not surprising because "Americans react very positively to the fairness or equal time kind of argument."

"In fact, it's the strongest thing that creationists have got going for them because their science is dismal," Ms. Scott said. "But they do have American culture on their side."

This year, the National Center for Science Education has tracked 70 new controversies over evolution in 26 states, some in school districts, others in the state legislatures.

President Bush joined the debate on Aug. 2, telling reporters that both evolution and the theory of intelligent design should be taught in schools "so people can understand what the debate is about."

Senator Bill Frist of Tennessee, the Republican leader, took the same position a few weeks later.

Intelligent design, a descendant of creationism, is the belief that life is so intricate that only a supreme being could have designed it.

The poll showed 41 percent of respondents wanted parents to have the primary say over how evolution is taught, compared with 28 percent who said teachers and scientists should decide and 21 percent who said school boards should. Asked whether they believed creationism should be taught instead of evolution, 38 percent were in favor, and 49 percent were opposed.

More of those who believe in creationism said they were "very certain" of their views (63 percent), compared with those who believe in evolution (32 percent).

The poll also asked about religion and politics, government financing of religious charities, and gay men and lesbians in the military. Most of these questions were asked of a smaller pool of 1,000 respondents, and the margin of error was 2.5 percentage points, Pew researchers said.

The public's impression of the Democratic Party has changed in the last year, the survey found. Only 29 percent of respondents said they viewed Democrats as being "friendly toward religion," down from 40 percent in August of 2004. Meanwhile, 55 percent said the Republican Party was friendly toward religion.

Luis E. Lugo, the director of the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life, said: "I think this is a continuation of the Republican Party's very successful use of the values issue in the 2004 election, and the Democrats not being able up until now to answer that successfully. Some of the more visible leaders, such as Howard Dean and others, have reinforced that image of a secular party. Of course, if you look at the Democratic Party, there's a large religious constituency there."

Survey respondents agreed in nearly equal numbers that nonreligious liberals had "too much control" over the Democratic Party (44 percent), and that religious conservatives had too much control over the Republican Party (45 percent).

On religion-based charities, two-thirds of respondents favored allowing churches and houses of worship to apply for government financing to provide social services. But support for such financing declined from 75 percent in early 2001, when Mr. Bush rolled out his religion-based initiative.

On gay men and lesbians in the military, 58 percent of those polled said they should be allowed to serve openly, a modest increase from 1994, when 52 percent agreed. Strong opposition has fallen in that time, to 15 percent from 26 percent in 1994.

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Commentary: Morons Select a Mormon

Like bringing a spoon to a gunfight, the Democratic party shows it is determined to lose. I have never seen such a sorry bunch of politicians. Instead of coming up with a leader with a compelling vision to attract voters, they are pandering to the minority of evangelicals that have been taking credit for Bush's win. Dumb, Dumb, Dumb!

So in all their pandering glory, the Democrats just picked a religious Mormon (more on that later) who is anti-abortion to "lead" their party. Do they think the 23% of evangelical voters will suddenly fall in love with them? Like a nerd who buys a leather jacket to look cool, the democratic party is moving away from the 49% of the population that showed it is desperate for progressive leadership by trying to give the wooden John Kerry a chance.

As the Democrats follow Republicans to the religious fringe, the US begins it's steady decline. Like Roman, Greek and Turkish empires before it, get ready to live by candlelight and crap out of the window. The dark age of religious stupidity and hypocrisy is coming.

First lets' talk about Mormons. These mixed up folk actually believe that a prophet named Joseph Smith living in found some golden plates (in Vermont!!!!) around 1830 that supposedly had the word of god. And what did god have to say? Well, that life originated in North America, that Indians were originally white people turned red by god as a punishment, and that if you try hard enough, you can turn raccoon droppings into magic flying monkeys. Well, except for that last one, the Mormons make the book of Genesis look like an AP Chemistry textbook. Is this really our future?

As other countries invest in stem cell research and pursue the path of science, we have a growing population that believes in creationism. You know, one day god made a tree, another day a chicken, another a dildo. Yep, progress. I don't know about you, but I'm signing up to for that Chinese class I've been putting off... Actually, I'm doing to start with a Dim Sum menu...all this ranting makes me hungry.

by faktorial.com - where religion has to earn respect, like everyone else

More on Mormons:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Smith

NY Times Article:
http://faktorial.com/faktoids/2004/11/New Democratic Leader in Senate Is Atypical Choice.htm

read the rest of this faktorial here!

FEATURE: My Firsst Forrengn Polycee by Georg UU. Bush

Admittedly, I started writing this before I knew what a stack of naked Iraqi prisoners looked like. It was also before Michael Eisner secretly helped make ‘Fahrenheit 9/11’ the hip way to enjoy the fall of a great civilization – with buttered popcorn! Mmmm…yummy. And all this time, I thought Michael Moore was working on ‘Super Size Me’. Like catching your parents practicing the Kama Sutra, it’s almost impossible to shake the movie’s image of our glassy-eyed President continuing to read “My Pet Goat” to kindergarteners after learning two planes crashed into the World Trade Center. It’s not that the Bush years have been all bad…I still don’t know what Flintstone’s Cipro Chewables taste like or what not to wear to a nuclear holocaust. In this blissfully cheerful commentary, I’ll cover how this administration’s foreign policy has jeopardized American security, our international credibility and our chances of ever getting the French to bathe regularly. I will also reveal Dick Cheney's secret plan to liberate Mars from the tyrannical rule of Gargamel Khomeini. In my next faktorial, I'll expose the diabolical brilliance of the Cheney/Bush domestic policies and how the Democrats have helped them get away with it!

Don't get me wrong, I do admire one thing about this administration, and religious rightists in general: they seem to have a remarkable clarity of vision. Of course, so did Attila the Hun, Hirohito, and Colonel Sanders. And aside from its Crusade-like stench, I’m not altogether against a Middle East makeover. I’d prefer to think of it more as a ‘Queer Eye for the Fundamentalist Guy’. (“See how much brighter this makes your cave look!” or “These burkas are hideous! All black?!? You dress like every day’s a funera…sorry.”) Regardless, a more democratic, economically interdependent, and Big Mac-engorged Middle East would be in everyone’s best interest. Instead of making this case to world leaders and subversively pressuring Arab states to reform, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Bush blazed into Iraq. In fact, on September 12, 2001, Richard Clarke (the terrorism czar) told Bush there was no link between Iraq and Al Qaeda. Bush’s response? “Then find one!” Bush proceeded to read Clarke a small passage from “My Pet Goat” before making a smiley face in his mashed potatoes and soiling his Captain America Underoos.

Iraq isn’t the only problem. Generally, this administration’s foreign policy has been driven by three major forces: complacency, arrogance, and the Easter Bunny. First, complacency. Before 9/11, Bush received a memo stating a terrorist attack on our airlines was imminent. No one budged. (Almost no one – Condoleezza Rice made a paper airplane out of the memo and threw it at Paul Wolfowitz. When it got stuck in his hair, everyone laughed and laughed.) Later, the administration blamed its non-response on "the structure of government", "lack of budget" and that the memo was "not specific." Not specific?? It’s never specific!! If it is, guess what, you are the terrorist! And how much budget do you need to call 10 flight schools to get the list of students who consistently skipped the "Landing, Not Into a Building" class?

Arrogance? Not my Bush! Well, a few examples come to mind: 1) Dismissing UN weapons inspectors’ findings of “no WMD’s” like they’d been written by Ashton Kutcher. 2) Refusing to find funding partners for the ridiculously expensive rebuilding of Iraq before we bombed every gold-encrusted toilet Hussein ever sat on. (Our actual cost is estimated somewhere between the GDP of Mexico and the whitening of Michael Jackson). 3) Blatantly handing out fat contracts to Halliburton and other oil buddies...In fact, euphoric Exxon-Mobile executives even trickled some oil into the Tigris, drunkenly screaming, “There’s more where that came from, Bitch!!” My guess is the administration’s waiting for its second term to unleash the really outrageous stuff like annexing Canada, planting crack on Chirac, and executing Whoopi Goldberg.

Like clerics and Cub Scouts, religion and politics just shouldn’t mix. Bush’s actions, however, reveal a deeply-rooted, religious self-righteousness. Who could forget the 2000 Republican debate? Candidates were asked what political thinker they looked up to. Steve Forbes cited John Locke, a Revolutionary War scholar. Alan Keyes chose the founding fathers. Unhesitatingly, George W. replied, "Jesus Christ". When the moderator asked why, Bush responded, “When you turn your heart and your life over to Christ, when you accept Christ as the savior, it changes your heart and changes your life and that's what happened to me.” Was this a South Park episode? Nope, they’re the words of a guy whose own mother had to call Reverend Billy Graham to talk him out of insisting that only Christians can go to heaven and that only Dominicans should play second base.

So where has all this gotten us? In the short run, Iraq’s a mess. No major ally is willing to contribute even its most gimpy, inbred of soldiers. Our army is terribly weakened, limiting deployment to other regions, like Afghanistan (where the terrorists are). Reservists are now serving over a year in Iraq and are down to Red Bull and ketchup packets. Things are so bad that Forrest Gump, Chuck Norris, and the cross-dressing Arab guy from M.A.S.H. just got draft notices. Worst of all, over 900 American lives, not to mention tens of thousands of Iraqis, have been snuffed since the war began. And let’s not forget our coalition partners Latvia, Nicaragua and the 96th Street YMCA who’ve suffered an unprecedented forty four hangnails, thirty two twisted ankles and countless bad haircuts. Our presence in Iraq will continue to incite suicide bombers, kidnappers, and grainy videos by hooded men who have clearly never heard of NYU Film School. And overall, the world is a far more hostile place for Americans and Filipino truck drivers.

The far scarier part of all this – that no one (except me and Ali G) is mentioning – are the long-term effects of pre-emptive war. First, the intense nuclear proliferation triggered by Bush. By obliterating Iraq and negotiating with that kooky prick in North Korea, we have sent the world a clear message that the only way to keep your local dictator out of a filthy ditch is by having nuclear weapons. Like leaving the July Playboy near the showers at Riker's Island, there is a global feeding frenzy for all things nuclear. Poor countries like Pakistan and former Soviet republics are more than happy to oblige through a complex laundering network of strip clubs and clubbed baby seals. (I love PETA. Really.)

Bush has also reminded our allies of something they were perfectly willing to ignore – that we can take out France anytime we want. Actually, as the world’s lone superpower, we can ignore the UN and NATO when it suits us, chase Sikhs with baseball bats ‘cuz they sort of look like Arabs, and add relish to falafel. As a result, our “allies” are busy forming regional alliances that purposely exclude the US such as the Russia-France “defense partnership", the EU “virtual superpower” defense consolidation, and the Cuba-Haiti DontBombUs Accord. As a result, the US may be on a path to becoming that slow, fat friend who never gets invited to the dance. So, with non-existent credibility, the current administration has no choice but to attack Europe now before these alliances set in. Rumsfeld already popped three Viagra in preparation for his shiny new war briefing.

Of course, the future may not be all bad. If done properly, a democratic, economically viable Iraq could pressure other Arab states to reform, or at least build casinos. Coupled with our “war of ideas” (basically Shrek and porn dubbed into Arabic), our efforts could ultimately reduce hostilities and bring many Arab states solidly into the 19th century. Sadly, it would also force Al Jazeera reporters to cut each others heads off as that pool of wacky reality programming they’ve come to depend on dries up.

So can Cheney and Bush steer us towards global peace? Unlikely. With less credibility than the “Gigli II” rumor, this administration can no longer convincingly sit in front of world leaders. Can you imagine the snickers and winks next time Colin Powell pulls out a manila folder labeled, “CIA: Confidential”? Even our biggest allies are distancing themselves from us. Has anyone even seen Tony Blair lately?

Internationally, the next administration has to accomplish six major goals to put us back on the path to stability:

1. Begin repairing partnerships damaged by the Bush team (Does Gerhard Schroeder like steak? I’d take him to Peter Luger’s and stuff him full of meat ‘til he couldn’t take it anymore.)
2. Gain commitment from NATO, the UN and key Arab states to provide military and economic aid for Iraq (pending approval of the puppet regime)
3. Create multinational economic/political pressure and incentives to secularize states like Saudi Arabia, Iran and Egypt. (By “incentives” I mean everything from secretly sponsoring the building non-religious schools to developing original new sitcoms like “Everybody Loves Rabinowitz”, “Curb Your Fundamentalism” or “Mustafa in the Middle”)
4. Find a gentle way to get rid of Arafat (“Butter of The Month Club”??) and finally get the two sides to reach agreement on Gaza, the West Bank and who makes the best humus.
5. Promote assimilation programs for European Arabs, whose birthrates will soon make them a majority in France and taxi stands across that continent.
6. Nuke North Korea (only because I hate favoritism).

My prediction for the presidential election? Well, I think Hussein will get exonerated and run for President in the new, democratic Iraq. He’ll win because he’s the only one who’s shown he can govern that mess. At his inauguration, he’ll gas a few Kurds just to say, ‘Thanks for believing in me!’ In a matter of months, he’ll send all foreign militants home in small envelopes, resume diplomatic relations with the US, and host his own reality show, “Saddam Extreme Makeover” where every contestant wins surgery to look like their favorite oppressor. I can’t wait for the very special Uday and Qusay Ramadan episode.

…Oh, you meant that election?

Coming soon:

• Part 2: “Just Got Back From Iraq and All I Got Was This Lousy Stem Cell”
• Major updates to faktorial.com plus action figures

by faktorial.com - where Bush is a four-letter word and Condi is a five-letter word and...

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