How I Fell in Love with Ann Coulter

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was channel surfing and there she was. A guest on Real Time with Bill Maher. Those long, sexy legs. Flowing, gilded blond hair. I cranked up the volume. From the moment I heard her sweet, luscious voice utter, "Bill Clinton is a child rapist", I knew she was The One.

I had to learn everything I could about my Golden Princess. I bought all her books - "Why Jews Killed Christ and Made GefilteChrist From His Kidneys", "Torture, Schmorture: How I Extract Truth From One Arab a Day and Still Keep My Day Job", and her classic, "Hey Hillary, There's a Coat Hanger in My Bloody Fetus." If Charlotte Bronte had balls, or Joseph Goebbels a word processor, they could only dream of being Ann Coulter.

Once I learned all I could about my Ann, I made plans to attend all of her appearances. I knew that as soon as she noticed my intense, cross-eyed gaze, she'd call me a 'dirty fag' and we'd fall madly in love. If only it were so.

The first appearance I attended was a NASCAR rally. It didn't go well. Apparently, Ann had many suitors competing for her attention. Each showed up with as much, or more, CoulterCuntry.com paraphernalia than I had - the exploding JFK head, old detonators from abortion clinic bombings, even her new ObamaNation Thermos, which turns black around black people and white around whites. These people had way more resources than I did. I had to take drastic measures. I killed four of them. Clearly, I would not have enough emotional energy, or room in my van, for My Dearest Ann.

I decided to try a different tact. Luckily, it was election season and Ann was guest-hating on a number of TV shows. I watched them all. I took careful notes on every American enemy she'd mention - John Murtha...Nancy Pelosi...Carrot Top.

It was harder and more expensive to "get to" these America-haters than I thought. So, I did the next best thing. I found their families. Within a week, I sent My Love two dozen black roses and ten severed pinkies inside a beautiful vase made of 97% pure Iraqi prisoner bone. It would be the first thing she saw when she opened her crypt at sundown. I was so in!!!

It did not take long for the cops to arrive at my shed.

As I sit in my cell, my Dear Sweet Ann, oh how I long for thee. Each day I dream of waking up to the sound of you calling me a n**ger-lover or a weak-willed, liberal c*ck-s*cker. The melodic flow of your Adam's apple is fused into my memory. I long to be enveloped in your warm, bodacious bile. Hold me. Scrape your name into my back with your serpentine claws. Love me, Ann. Love me like Pudgy Brown, my cell-mate, never, ever could.

by Faktorial.com - where we know a girl with serpentine claws is a keeper.

The Blog | Arianna Huffington: Has Ann Coulter (Finally) Had Her Macaca Moment? | The Huffington Post

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J-Date Turns Jewish Man Anti-Semitic

LOS ANGELES - In October 2006, David Birnbaum, a 30 year old marketing manager, joined Jdate.com, a popular Jewish dating site. Mr. Birnbaum, a Jew, did so to silence his mother’s ruthless deconstruction of all his non-Jewish girlfriends. The sound of her voice in his head eventually ruined all of those relationships. “You call this a girl?” “What kind of face is that?” “What’s with those thighs? Like tree trunks. Feh.” Then after three months of dating only Jews, Mr. Birnbaum quit his synagogue, shaved his head, and gave the keynote address at a Holocaust denial conference in Iran.

Like most of Mr. Birnbaum’s accomplishments, this quest began with a subconscious disdain for his mother. It was punctuated by her persistent, empty threat, “I’m not gonna live forever, Bubaleh.” Like Ahab and Moby-Dick, Birnbaum took to the internet to hunt his mythical creature, the nice Jewish girl. While specific traits are said to vary, the Unabridged Oy to Oy-Vey Dictionary defines “nice Jewish girl” as “a bride who proudly inherits her mother-in-law’s nagging and emasculation duties.”

Mr. Birnbaum could sense the desperation in his parents. “At one point, I knew they’d be happy with anyone with some combination of ten fingers or toes and little to no evidence of retardation,” he admitted. “As long as she could stop drooling long enough to make latkes or remove that creepy gelatin off the Gefilte fish, they’d throw us the biggest wedding this side of Mumbai.”

It was during J-Date’s sign-up process that Mr. Birnbaum began feeling uncomfortable. He had tried Match.com and Yahoo Personals, but never encountered a mandatory financial portfolio section. “It was integrated with Quicken, TurboTax, and Microsoft Money,” he added.

“Right after J-Date validated my W-2’s, the first girl I e-mailed sent me a detailed ‘Notice of Incompatibility’,” he recalled. “She thought we shouldn’t date because I’m a growth investor and she’s into bonds and livestock futures. She then proceeded to critique my 401K allocations.”

Gary Schwartz, a friend and fellow online dater, suggested that Mr. Birnbaum use his Starbucks Strategy. “You meet for coffee. If you like each other, get together again,” advised Mr. Schwartz. “If not, you don’t waste three hours and $90 on a total stranger who has a very loose interpretation of ‘Athletic and Toned’.”

“It was a good plan,” remembered Mr. Birnbaum, as he doodled a swastika on the sleeve of his hospital gown. “The coffee thing didn’t work once. Jewish girls are far too crafty and powerful. It’s like they were genetically engineered to only go out on Saturday nights. About half would order the lobster or some rare truffle found by pregnant pigs. Mostly, to prove they were worth the money.”

Mr. Birnbaum spent months dating Barbara Streisand look-alikes, learning the nuances of diamond clarity, and deconstructing why he’s not a doctor. When he did manage to get a word in, it was his salary. His bank account was depleted, he was fresh out of Matzo jokes, and his calm demeanor had cracked. “Why would she keep saying ‘milchik’ instead of ‘milk’? Why not just milk? Why?” he screamed.

An attendant ran in to inject Mr. Birnbaum with a mild sedative.

Things went from bad to worse. Mr. Birnbaum was fired from his job and lost touch with his friends. He just sat in his apartment listening to German Industrial band Rammstein with songs like “Gefilte Fist”, “Blintz-kreig” and “Kashrut of All Evil”. Inspired, Mr. Birnbaum joined an Aryan kickball league, pledged his life savings to Jerry Lewis’s Hezbollah-thon on Channel 9, and underwent foreskin reconstruction surgery.

Finally, his parents intervened and committed their son to a mental health facility. Doctors believe a full recovery is possible, as long as Mr. Birnbaum sticks to a steady diet of bagels and lox with low doses of French and Brazilian girls.


- by faktorial.com – where French and Brazilian girls go to meet eligible Jewish men



2007 Copyright of Faktorial.com. All Rights Reserved.

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Remorseful ‘Kramer’ Vows to Reverse Slavery, Apartheid and Moesha

Los Angeles - After his shocking, racist tirade at a Los Angeles comedy club, Michael Richards has vowed to make things right. After awkward apologies to black leaders like Jesse Jackson, Gloria Allred, and Tiki Barber, Richards announced plans to travel back in time to “end every scourge that has ever plagued Afro-Americans including slavery, apartheid, and occasionally ashy skin.” Facing thinly-veiled threats against his wealth, like Al Sharpton wearing a suit made entirely out of Richards’s old W-2 forms, the comedian chose humanitarian time travel instead.

Shortly after finishing the last leg of his apology tour at LeVar Burton’s house, Richards boarded a small, Nintendo-built time craft called the “Woo”. Although PC Magazine complained about the Woo’s “poor user interface” and “cheap wireless controller”, Richards believed it was good enough to get him to Africa circa 1619 AD. Nintendo stepped in to build the craft after Richards was robbed of $4.7 million in cash, as he waited in line to buy Sony’s new TM3, a Blu-Ray equipped time machine.

While it is unclear what impact Richards efforts will yield, Stanford anthropologist Alice Tang believes she has discovered several etchings in Nigeria of what appear to be a gangly, white man being boiled. Sir Lernsalot, a famed British historian, found journals from English slave traders referring to a “Hipster Doofus slave dealer” living in Nigeria. One slave trader’s journal-entry read, “Wow, is this guy racist!” He later wrote, “What’s a ‘spik’?” Despite the revolutionary implications of these discoveries, neither President Oprah nor Vice President Tyra Banks could be reached for comment.

Even without conclusive evidence of Richard’s guilt-ridden efforts, many believe the country now faces a free speech crisis. Alex Tankian, a Harvard linguistics professor, warns, “Demands by black leaders to end the use of the n-word leads us down a slippery slope until the only ones left with the right to say n**ger are a bunch of racist m***er-f***ing, c**k-s**kers like the KKK or some tunnel bunny c**t you pay 50 bucks to s**t on you and call you a ‘dirty, m*****-******, c***-s***** little b****’ while she $%^^&^$&@$* you in a plastic bag.”


By faktorial.com – where we take solace in knowing we still have Elaine

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Planet of the Steaks, November 2062

What began as an effort to comfort and pamper livestock before slaughter, has led to an epic battle for animal civil rights. Moolcolm X, the rebellious organizer of last week’s Million Cow Munch, a defiant grazing event in Woodstock New York, has demanded an end to all animal consumption and teat-pulling.

Seeds of the animal liberation movement were planted in late 2006 when farmers began building spas, hoof salons, and dance studios for their cows, pigs, and goats. Some chickens even received grief counseling after their eggs were taken away. At first, the programs helped guilty carnivores feel good about themselves and their $75 porterhouse. Consumers even paid hefty premiums for meat that died with comprehensive dental benefits, a 401K plan, and a shared passion for Desperate Housewives and CSI: Miami.

Difficulties surfaced around 2020, when some farm animals developed stubborn preferences. Sloppy pigs would only watch the NFL or Home Shopping Network. Lazy cows refused to be milked until they saw an entire Rachel Ray Show. Strangely, goats were mesmerized by Al Jazeera. Many would chew through their ropes and ram their horns through the TV whenever they saw Jews. Hundreds of anti-Semitic goats died this way until farmers agreed to let them wear their beards long, observe Ramadan, and wear burkas in their ID photos.

Soon farm animals began to acquire basic speech and critical thinking patterns not unlike those of Born-Again Kansasonians. In 2035, after earning his Grade Equivalency Degree, Sir Loin became England’s first non-human to be knighted since Keith Richards.

Sir Loin’s achievements inspired and emboldened animals around the world. Bovine everywhere demanded education and jobs that did not begin with their teats and end with Worcestershire sauce. Under legal pressure from PETA and the ACLU, Sir Loin became the first buffalo to compete on ‘F**king with the Stars’, a FOX reality series. (In an emotional finale, Sir Loin was soundly out-f**ked by Cody Lee-Gifford and lost.)

Animal achievements extended to all species. In 2047, Flipper Finkelstein, an Orthodox dolphin, was credited with restructuring Best Buy’s lackluster customer service division. His accomplishment was somewhat tarnished when the company took an $8B loss on electronics damaged when several stores were filled with water to accommodate new, amphibious sales reps.

Not all animals have excelled. Chickens still prefer to spend their days walking into walls and defecating on each other. Experts predict that their defiant clucks will ultimately doom humanity to a life of tofu consumption. While tofu is not generally believed to crave independence, scientists are studying the matter.

Fearing reprisals from his flock, one Nebraska farmer ruminated anonymously on the controversy, “Over thousands of years, we were hunters who won the right to eat anything we wanted. Now, we’ve squandered our evolutionary victory. I’m going to scream if I see another cockroach with a picket sign!”

Ming Tso, a Chinese farmer had a much different perspective, “We invite our most educated animals over for drinks and passionate debate. Then, we kill and eat them down to the eyeballs. Over rice.”


by faktorial.com – where there’s nothing we wouldn’t barbecue. nothing.


From the New York Times:

Meat Labels Hope to Lure the Sensitive Carnivore

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Madonna, Jolie Busted in ‘Adopted Celebrity Deathmatch’ Plot

Suspicious of the sudden outbreak of wealthy, white celebrities adopting poor children from the Third World, police set up a sting operation. Their worst fears were confirmed by Kwaze “David” Banda, a three-foot tall, Malawi detective, who posed as an adorable, muscular orphan. Banda secretly recorded a cockney-accented Madonna Ciccone, his adoptive-Diva-to-be, scheming to train Banda to battle Mia Farrow’s Third World Order (T.W.O.), the world’s deadliest band of orphans. For over a decade, Farrow’s T.W.O. has dominated the lethal and secretive ‘Adopted Celebrity Deathmatch’ tournament. Instead of lawyers, cowardly Hollywood Caucasians used orphan combat to settle scores the way gangsta rappers, strippers, and Sean Penn have done since Molly Ringwald was pretty in p...was pretty.

After a week of surveillance, LA police were led to a secluded battleground etched into the Beverly Hills backyard of Stephen Spielberg. A police helicopter spied Spielberg’s adopted children Theo and Mikaela sword fighting with Jet Li and Sammo Hung Fat. The ex-orphans were apparently training to fight Zahara Jolie Pitt, who, despite her tender age of two, has already decapitated several adopted celebrities including Al Roker’s daughter, Aureo, and several interns at Paramount. (Deathmatch rules are based on the movie Highlander, in which immortals battle for supremacy and beheading is the sole means of victory. Police found the movie’s slogan, “There Can Be Only One” tattooed above Zahara Jolie Pitt’s’s buttocks.)

On the eve of the battle, Police raided Spielberg’s home, arresting countless celebrities including Angelina Jolie, Madonna, and Nicole Ritchie's skeleton. However, Farrow and her fearsome orphans escaped. Farrow’s ex-husband Woody Allen later commented, “I hope someone finally stops her evil. I have a very low threshold of death. I grew up in Brooklyn, where nobody killed their adopted kids. They were too unhappy – to kill or to adopt. That’s why I daringly rescued Sun Yi from Mia’s Dojo of Death. Actually, I had Tony Roberts and Diane Keaton do it. Ripping out nipples and bladders is no life for a 12 year old girl. Certainly not for a Jew.” Allen elaborated on his marriage to Farrow’s adoptive daughter, “We never intended to fall in love. That only happened while we hid deep in the hills of the Upper West Side. The whole situation almost made me neurotic.”

Although he may have ended several Hollywood careers, Kwaze Banda has also suffered. The pint-sized cop – and real-life orphan, developed an attachment to Madonna, who was the only mother he had ever known. He still smiles as he recalls how she would tickle his belly while he breastfed. “I hope she reconsiders and still goes through with the adoption,” admitted the 28 year old detective. “The way I see it, I can either spend the rest of my life eating government rice and dodging AIDS, or I can spend my nights drinking Cristal and getting fellatio from supermodels at Bungalow 8. Which would you choose?“

In a related note, Brad Pitt, who was arrested in the raid, was later released for having no knowledge. Hours after his release, the disoriented Pitt was found wandering West Los Angeles looking for a script to tell him how to get home.


by faktorial.com – the last bastion of hope for surplus Asian and African orphans

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COMMENTARY: How I Plan to Protect the Children...Those Little Bastards

It's Time We Eliminate the Limitless Supply of Victims

If there’s anything we’ve learned over the past few days, it’s that kids are leading America to ruin. This week alone, we lost Mark Foley, a respected Congressman, who succumbed to a House full of nubile, hairless, teen bait. Then, a father of three was driven to madness and murder by a school full of little Amish temptresses. These are not isolated examples. There are juvenile operatives all over this country targeting effeminate politicians, marginal celebrities and our uniquely American brand of denial and homosexual suppression. They must be stopped. Kids have surpassed terrorism as the greatest threat to our democracy and they must be stopped. I say, you’re either with us, or you’re with the children.

Consider the case of Mark Foley. The man sacrificed marriage, family, and countless hours on his Blackberry to crusade against child predators, nudist camps, and skinny dipping. Certainly there were no signs that anything was amiss. Then, after a few suggestive e-mails to a boy or two, every Republican abandons ship as if it were just boarded by the cast of Rent. When things were going well, Hastert, Bush, and company were perfectly happy getting political lap dances from Mr. Foley. That is, until something lumpy brushed against their cheeks and they suddenly realized they were in Lucky Cheng’s. Even Al Michaels dutifully stood by OJ until all the bloody gloves came back from the Laundromat. Luckily, OJ wasn’t victimized by a bunch of underage terrorteens or he’d never have gotten that second chance to look for the real killer.

Everywhere you turn, scantily-clad kids are flailed in front of weak-willed adults. Like Jews and liquor dangled in front of Mel Gibson, they hope to corrupt our Christian values and expose the Woody (Allen) throbbing beneath the surface. We’re surrounded. Calvin Klein ads, kiddy beauty pageants, Little League, and Pimp My Laguna Sweet 16 on MTV. No doubt the Amish killer, like many sexually repressed Americans, was fully prepared to lead perfectly normal, secret life, until those butter-churning vamps got to him. (Brief word to the Amish: GET A PHONE! …they’re big fans of faktorial.com).

Consider all we’ve lost because of our reckless coddling of children:

• Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher deprived us of Joey Buttafuoco, one of our nation’s greatest mechanics.
• Suggestively attired Jon Benet, continues to claim victims – even after her death. Innocent perverts from around the world still clamor to stand in her spotlight.
• Kids were used as weapons to take Michael Jackson away from us. We now sit in silence, deprived of his music and sexually ambiguous dancing. The whole ordeal nearly turned him white.
• It was also children who made us feel bad about seeing sister Janet’s breast at the Super Bowl. I refuse to feel bad about a seeing a breast ever again, unless it’s Bea Arthur’s or Jason Alexander’s!
• Jerry Lee Lewis married a 12 year old. Maybe his great balls caught fire, but it took him 35 years to put out a new album.
• Remember Joe Piscopo? Eddie Murphy doesn’t. Joe married his babysitter, whom he met when she was 14. Heard any funny jokes from Joe lately?

See my point? Dare I even count all the priests we’ve lost?

Sure, I know what you’re thinking, ‘who can be against kids?’, considering everything they’ve contributed to our culture. If not for kids, we wouldn’t have Raffi, Barney and Teletubbies. I’d argue that without kids, we wouldn’t have Raffi, Barney OR Teletubbies!! Case closed.

Before another piñata gets filled with condoms and chloroform for the next Congressional Page Mixer, it’s time we took a stand. It’s not enough to just hope no one exhumes a decomposed boy scout troop from Trent Lott’s back yard. We must childproof this country like the crate of Vicodin at Rush Limbaugh’s house:

1. Seal our borders – not from Mexicans, as Pat Buchanan insists, but from all the children that slip into this country every day through birth canals, c-sections, and Britney Spears.

2. The President must declare a state of emergency and send troops (or crossing guards – whoever’s not in yet Iraq) into every school, arcade and rectory to apprehend the most tempting children. The kids would then be sent to Jesus Camp at Guantanamo until they reach the age of consent. (And, I’m not talking about Alabama where it’s 12. I’m talking Tehran, where it’s 34.) Of course, the kids would be afforded all the cushy niceties allowed by the Geneva convention, unless we need to get them to talk.

3. For any kids we do keep around, they must be clad in head-to-toe burkas so they do not act as objects of desire.

I believe this approach will allow us to reclaim this nation's grand, Puritanical heritage. Finally, homosexuals can proudly return to their closets and sit there, quietly. Sure, some may deem this harsh. I deem it a glorious return to the 1950's, a Golden Age for real Americans like Herbert Hoover and Rock Hudson . It was a time when sissy nonsense like tolerance-mongering and compassionate parenting were just fruity fantasies. Together, we can bring those times back. Can you imagine a world where even the most spectacular perverts are safe from children? I can. If not for us, for God sakes, let's do it for the children.

- by faktorial.com – where common sense and satire stare at each other in uncomfortable silence

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Pant-less Pensioner Topples Islam

A frisky, old codger in a two story hat,
Just called all of Islam “stupid, violent and fat”
With a wink and a smile, moderate Muslims went nuts,
Demanding his head in a bag with his guts

How shrewd a response, un-ironic to boot,
Muslims, so graceful, as you ready, aim, shoot
Jihads, slit throats, and exploding teen boys,
(Priests hate to expend such sweet, supple toys )

Right, wrong or insane, dear Muslims, R.E.L.A.X!
Light up a fat blunt; wipe that blood off your axe
When Messiah arrives, he’ll clear up this whole mess,
Or, he’ll toss you some virgins in a black, shapeless dress

Take solace that statements like those by the Pope,
Are desperate, last breaths of a faith on the ropes
In Europe, the only flock near a Pugh
Is a Japanese tour group with Nikon D52’s

While Africans die of AIDS, war, and neglect,
U.S. Evangelicals give us fools to elect
The only remains of the Catholic regime,
Are a drunk Irish stripper and Peru’s dodgeball team

So how does the Church compete nowadays,
With TV and TiVo and Tsunamis and gays?
We have JDate, V1aG.R-A, and that flirt Suri Cruise,
How ‘bout a new show where she dates famous Jews?

I say grumpy, old Popes shouldn’t ruin our fun,
So, priests grab each other, a Rabbi, or nun
Let’s rejoice in the glory of love and the skin,
Before Muslims put bombs in the Jeeps that we’re in


- by faktorial.com – fanning the flames of religious tolerance with both rhyme and reason

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Wal-Mart to Lure Black Shoppers with Grits and Gangsta Rap

After several quarters of slowing growth, Wal-Mart has announced a revolutionary plan to revive sales. The massive retailer plans to customize its stores to better serve six types of customers: old people whose kids grew up, people with money, suburban people, rural people and blacks and Hispanics. The new strategy is based on a Wal-Mart study that surprisingly showed blacks and Hispanics, regardless of age, wealth, education, or social status all basically like, chicken, oversized jeans and "bling", but in different styles. Today's announcement was made by new company spokeswoman Maria Conchita Gonzalez Jackson X.

"Research by our consultants, Lilly, White & Cracker, showed that our black customers require delicious fried chicken, watermelon, and movies with lots of karate," Ms. Jackson X explained. "We plan to cater to those needs by creating a section of the store, especially for them."

In fact, all re-designed Wal-Mart stores will feature special Hispanic and Black sections. When concerns about segregation were raised, Ms. Jackson X was quick to point out, "This is customization, not segregation. We intend to treat all our customers equally. Each section will have its very own water fountains, bathrooms, even entertainment."

"As our black customers shop, we will soothe their senses with familiar aromas of grits and bacon. They will also hear rap music by exclusive Wal-Mart artists like Kool Moe Dee, Coolio and something Re-Run." Ms. X added, "Of course, black shoppers can also dance in the extra-wide aisles, as our research predicts they would."

By comparison, rural shoppers will hear Travis Tritt and Tammy Wynette songs as they shoot down the items they want to purchase. No details were given on how the other sections will look. However, Ms. Jackson X hinted at some surprises in store for Hispanics, "You said you liked congas or bongos and we listened."

After the press conference, the company issued a written clarification explaining that customers can indeed choose to shop "in any of the sections...at their own risk." The statement advised against such actions due to "the potential for varying crime rates in different parts of the store."

To maximize safety, Wal-Mart plans to install spiked walls that will drop from the ceiling, when necessary, to provide shoppers with instant safety and comfort. "Of course," Ms. Jackson X added, "the walls in certain parts of the store will drop faster. Our research showed that some customers have an extra bone in their ankle and can move blazingly fast. We could not independently validate that another, smaller segment can also fly."

Upon hearing the announcement, both Republican and Democratic groups were outraged. The NAACP and Jesse Jackson called for a protest against what they deemed "a racist, bigoted strategy." However, after several hours of talks, Wal-Mart agreed to hire the NAACP Chairman's nephew, contribute $40MM to both the Republican and Democratic National Committees, and contribute $100 million to Mr. Jackson's PUSH coalition. As a result, all previously planned protests will now be merged into the company's grand re-opening celebrations: "Gooberfest", "Beanerthon" and "Gangsta Shnizzle".


- by faktorial.com - where racism and bigotry suffocate under the weight of brilliant sarcasm.

On a serious note:

No, I'm not saying Wal-Mart's racist. I'm just extrapolating. What Wal-Mart says and what it does are two completely different stories. In this case, isn't it amazing that two diverse minorities are separated from the other non-racial profiles? In reality, I do hope this leads to people dependent on Wal-Mart getting more products they can actually use. Or, to me getting more material I can actually use. It's also interesting how race is used as a tool by powerful corporations, whenever it's convenient.

Wal-Mart is the only source of goods for many Americans and a powerful driver of some undesirable social change. And, don't count on politicians, self-proclaimed civil rights leaders, and others to enforce our best interests. They are all dependent on corporate $'s. They all have a price. We need to publicly fund politics and break that dependency. Or, we need more people like Bloomberg or Corzine, but there aren't too many billionaires insane enough to be in the public eye.

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Australia Orders Protection for its Last Remaining Celebrity

After the untimely death of one of Australia's greatest celebrities, Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, the country is taking no chances with its only remaining celebrity, Russell Crowe. Prime Minister John Howard immediately mobilized Australia's National Guard and Navy to defend the actor from any "aerial, aquatic, terrestrial or extra-terrestrial threats."

While Mr. Crowe was on location in Canada filming "A Beautiful Master and Gladiator Man" with Ron Howard, the Australian Navy installed a 40 mile underwater fence around the actor's oceanfront Australian estate to protect the actor from blood-thirsty stingrays, celebrity-hating jellyfish, and pointy-edged clams.

While environmentalists fear the fence will kill thousands of fish and endanger the area's ecology, the hard-nosed Australian Prime Minister exclaimed, "I would personally kill every shark in the ocean and beat every hotel employee to a bloody pulp to save Russell Crowe from even one premature wrinkle!"

Australian officials acknowledged that outfitting Mr. Crowe's Hummer with a rocket launcher and cavity-searching Samuel L. Jackson, Crowe's current co-star, only underscores the dire state of the country's entertainment industry. After Crowe, the best known Australian celebrities are a racist, peg-legged clown named Scuffles and Phil, The Incredible Mustache Boy, who is quickly approaching puberty.

To avert future crises, Australia plans to open several celebrity training camps where any semblance of talent can qualify applicants for substantial arts grants and round-the-clock security. Unfortunately, early auditions were cancelled after several hopefuls badly scorched their genitals, while others attempted "dangerous and unsanitary insertions". A disgusted government official noted, "It looked like Jackass 3 out there. I don't think real talent should require lubricant."

Despite the sudden government mobilization, most Australians simply ruminated on Mr. Irwin's passing. "There's a human side to this tragedy," said Abbey Johns, a receptionist from Sydney, Australian. "I know that to people in America, an entire nation mourning the wacky crocodile poker on channel 147 seems crazy...but here, he's on channel 2." Ms. Johns paused for a moment, " To us, Steve Irwin represented something magical. He was one of our own. A proud Aussie who made it. He lived life to the fullest. He wore shorts to work."

Mr. Irwin will be laid to rest early Wednesday morning. On Thursday, the stingray that killed him will appear on the popular Aussie reality show, "The Fish Whisperer", where Wally "Aquaman" Green will attempt to rehabilitate it. If the fish fails to accept accountability, it is tentatively booked to appear Friday on "Grillin' and Chillin' with Paul Hogan".


- by faktorial.com, the home for classic Australian comedy

Excite News

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COMMENTARY: Mustafa, Show Me the Lubriderm!

Seems like the last faktorial, US & Britain Bans Passengers from All Flights got a few readers all riled up. Good! Apparently, I failed to thank the government for taking away my Clearasil in the name of safety. As I finger a budding, but unaddressable zit on my flight home, I'll explain why these new rules are actually making us LESS safe and considerably uglier.

Any time or resources spent prying creamy, delicious Skippy peanut butter from the bloated carcasses of Midwestern tourists is time NOT spent targeting real threats to our national security, like disgruntled Pakistanis, Scientologists and flamboyant priests. As a result, we DIVERT precious resources AWAY from those plotting terror or those planning to chase Mikey Jr. around the rectory.

This is a pivotal moment for us all...are we really prepared to sacrifice our lives for the illusion of safety? Have we gotten so politically correct that we can’t admit that twitchy Mustafa's Lubriderm needs a little more attention than Jessica Simpson's Proactiv? Everyone knows pretty girls don't explode.

Before you drop your tofu, my righteous, liberal friend, take a walk on the Dark Side with me. Let's explore every Southern Republican's secret solution to ending crime: stopping every black male who's ever been in or near a Mercedes. That's right, we're talking profiling, but the good kind.

Profiling, when done right, is not about race or targeting a particular type of person, it's about subjugating minorities. Kidding. Actually, it's more like using Match.com to find a vegan girl who likes surfing. It doesn't mean you have anything against meat eaters or snow-boarders. (It does mean you'll be alone forever since no one's ever seen a vegan strong enough to swim.) My point is terror profiling should not be malicious or discriminatory. It's a way to find patterns of behaviors and characteristics that make finding malicious Arabs fun and exciting.

We'd be foolish to think profiling isn't happening already. Everyone pretends like Mohammed didn't just trigger a massive silent alarm. Instead, we wait and watch Chinese grandmothers and exotic dancers named Violet get deprived of their rightful ointments. Everyone waits - including poor Mohammed, who's now late for a business dinner.

My solution?

1. Stop calling ex-Wal-Mart clerks "security agents". Hire real agents, or at least Target's Employee of the Month.
   
2. Have El-Al train these new agents to find real terrorist threats, not toothpaste.
3. Stop insulting our intelligence with pointless searches. Don't you think Mickey Rourke's embarrassed enough flying coach?

And, if I happen to fit the profile they're looking for, then cavity search me. Over and over, if you have to. 'Till you find my weapon, or until we're officially in a relationship.

So, let that creepy, sunburned cougar woman have her moisturizer...please.

by faktorial.com - where both Liberals and Conservatives get free shelter, a warm meal and a big, wet kiss

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US & Britain Ban Passengers on All Flights

Today, the Department of Homeland Security announced that until further notice, all passengers will be banned from domestic and international flights. A five week investigation led by US and British authorities uncovered that all 10 suspected terror cells planned to blow up planes using one common weapon: passengers.

In his press conference this afternoon, President Bush did not mince words, "It's clear we must stop evil-doer passengers from hurting good-doer passengers. This is difficult. We have instructated all airport personnel to separate 'passengers' from 'non-passengers'. Folks identified as non-passengers such as razor blades, shoes, iPods and liquid will be allowed to fly. Folks deemed to be passengers must be disposed of at the terminal."

John Eldridge, a senior British security official, stated that one risk remains: pilots and flight attendants. "A ban on flight crews is not completely out of the question. A suicidal pilot could endanger the lives of 436 razor blades, 211 bottles of shampoo, and 305 liters of moisturizer with one carefully placed explosive."

An anonymous security official for Israel's El-Al, widely considered the world's most secure airline, laughed at the new policy. "We just stop and search all the Arabs," he stated. "We plan to continue allowing passengers and grooming products onboard our planes."

FedEx and UPS also complained that the new policy would create unfair competition by effectively turning passenger airlines into shipping companies. In response, FedEx and UPS have decided to enter the "human transport" business, where properly packed individuals will ship for $2 to $ 4 per pound, depending on the destination.

As soon as he heard about the new service, Jack Larsen, 28, of Cleveland rushed to his local FedEx Kinko's. He hoped to ship himself to London, where his razor blades and luggage are now on vacation. As Mr. Larsen's sister packed him into his cardboard and foam-peanut cocoon, Mr. Larsen echoed the frustration of fellow travelers, "$430 to have your carry-ons fly Coach while you fly Crate is just absurd. I just hope my toiletries don't raid the hotel mini-bar before I get there."


By faktorial.com - where the truth hurts - a lot!

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US Poll Proves Earth is Flat

Earth is Flat: Poll Completely Scientific With Charts And Everything

In a poll released today, 64% of Americans believe the earth is flat. Fourteen percent believed it was very, very flat. Six percent ate the survey form. Despite centuries of globular representations of the earth, telescopic photos of other planets, and photos from the Space Shuttle clearly showing a round earth, American public opinion begs to differ.

In response to the survey results, Republican senator Bill Frist proposed a Constitutional amendment to change public school textbooks to reflect the new findings. "At the very least, I believe the flat earth theory should be taught alongside the so-called round-earth theory," proposed the senator. "However, we must never forget all those brave European explorers whose ships fell off the edge of the earth in the 1500's and 1600's. I will forever honor their sacrifices, as long as there is oxygen in my kidneys and blood surges through my lymph nodes."

In Kansas, the state best known for replacing its evolution curriculum with creationism, held a massive rally to celebrate the survey. Revelers brought thousands of globes, which were flattened under a giant steamroller. Attendees proudly waved maps and signs like "Flatt iz Beutifull", "Tich Our Childrens Well" and "Sun? What sun??".

In a related story, a Korean elementary school class was awarded first place at the World Science Forum for using dinosaur fossils to clone a T-Rex. In response to videotape of the achievement, Pat Robertson, of The Christian Coalition, denied the existence of fossils, dinosaurs and Koreans.


--> For more unadulterated, satirical brilliance, visit www.faktorial.com - always original, never bashful. Never.

Think this fake story is far fetched? See the article below from today's New York Times. Shocking...
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New York Times:

Teaching of Creationism Is Endorsed in New Survey


By LAURIE GOODSTEIN
Published: August 31, 2005

In a finding that is likely to intensify the debate over what to teach students about the origins of life, a poll released yesterday found that nearly two-thirds of Americans say that creationism should be taught alongside evolution in public schools.

The poll found that 42 percent of respondents held strict creationist views, agreeing that "living things have existed in their present form since the beginning of time."

In contrast, 48 percent said they believed that humans had evolved over time. But of those, 18 percent said that evolution was "guided by a supreme being," and 26 percent said that evolution occurred through natural selection. In all, 64 percent said they were open to the idea of teaching creationism in addition to evolution, while 38 percent favored replacing evolution with creationism.

The poll was conducted July 7-17 by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life and the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press. The questions about evolution were asked of 2,000 people. The margin of error was 2.5 percentage points.

John C. Green, a senior fellow at the Pew Forum, said he was surprised to see that teaching both evolution and creationism was favored not only by conservative Christians, but also by majorities of secular respondents, liberal Democrats and those who accept the theory of natural selection. Mr. Green called it a reflection of "American pragmatism."

"It's like they're saying, 'Some people see it this way, some see it that way, so just teach it all and let the kids figure it out.' It seems like a nice compromise, but it infuriates both the creationists and the scientists," said Mr. Green, who is also a professor at the University of Akron in Ohio.

Eugenie C. Scott, the director of the National Center for Science Education and a prominent defender of evolution, said the findings were not surprising because "Americans react very positively to the fairness or equal time kind of argument."

"In fact, it's the strongest thing that creationists have got going for them because their science is dismal," Ms. Scott said. "But they do have American culture on their side."

This year, the National Center for Science Education has tracked 70 new controversies over evolution in 26 states, some in school districts, others in the state legislatures.

President Bush joined the debate on Aug. 2, telling reporters that both evolution and the theory of intelligent design should be taught in schools "so people can understand what the debate is about."

Senator Bill Frist of Tennessee, the Republican leader, took the same position a few weeks later.

Intelligent design, a descendant of creationism, is the belief that life is so intricate that only a supreme being could have designed it.

The poll showed 41 percent of respondents wanted parents to have the primary say over how evolution is taught, compared with 28 percent who said teachers and scientists should decide and 21 percent who said school boards should. Asked whether they believed creationism should be taught instead of evolution, 38 percent were in favor, and 49 percent were opposed.

More of those who believe in creationism said they were "very certain" of their views (63 percent), compared with those who believe in evolution (32 percent).

The poll also asked about religion and politics, government financing of religious charities, and gay men and lesbians in the military. Most of these questions were asked of a smaller pool of 1,000 respondents, and the margin of error was 2.5 percentage points, Pew researchers said.

The public's impression of the Democratic Party has changed in the last year, the survey found. Only 29 percent of respondents said they viewed Democrats as being "friendly toward religion," down from 40 percent in August of 2004. Meanwhile, 55 percent said the Republican Party was friendly toward religion.

Luis E. Lugo, the director of the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life, said: "I think this is a continuation of the Republican Party's very successful use of the values issue in the 2004 election, and the Democrats not being able up until now to answer that successfully. Some of the more visible leaders, such as Howard Dean and others, have reinforced that image of a secular party. Of course, if you look at the Democratic Party, there's a large religious constituency there."

Survey respondents agreed in nearly equal numbers that nonreligious liberals had "too much control" over the Democratic Party (44 percent), and that religious conservatives had too much control over the Republican Party (45 percent).

On religion-based charities, two-thirds of respondents favored allowing churches and houses of worship to apply for government financing to provide social services. But support for such financing declined from 75 percent in early 2001, when Mr. Bush rolled out his religion-based initiative.

On gay men and lesbians in the military, 58 percent of those polled said they should be allowed to serve openly, a modest increase from 1994, when 52 percent agreed. Strong opposition has fallen in that time, to 15 percent from 26 percent in 1994.

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Nicole Kidman's Wedding to Air Exclusively on the 'Who Gives a Shit Channel'

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Corrupt African Tyrants Honor Bono, Geldof

This week, dozens of African tyrants gathered to honor rock star Bono of U2 and friend of rock stars, Bob Geldof for organizing the global “Live 8” concert and raising billions for poor African countries. The flamboyant three day ceremony was held at the gold-plated palace of Zaire’s Supreme Ruler and Diety, Mbutu Fukuutu.

On opening night, fireworks kicked off an evening of passionate speeches and elaborate dance numbers. In a rousing oratory, Tukku Mmune, military despot of Congo, tearfully thanked Bono and Geldof. “With this extra money, we can now execute 400 nomads a week, up from only 200 last month!” Wiping a tear, he continued, “We can then beat the remaining tribes with high-grade wood sticks made from UN aid boxes. All because of you, Geldof…and the one with the funny glasses!” toasted the emotional Mmune.

Kuke Krukke, ruler of Zimbabwe, best known for hatcheting 700,000 Zulus, offered Geldof and Bono a tribal skull cap - made of actual Zulu skulls. “I honor you with the fruits of my life’s work. May your bones find their purpose long after they have been severed!” exulted Mr. Krukke as he raised his glass to toast the somewhat uncomfortable guests of honor.

At the second night’s dinner, Ugrubbe one of the bejeweled revelers joked, “Stupid Pink Floyd reunited with Roger Waters all for us!!!” Nigeria’s ruler suggested he will name his new tanks “The Waters Brigade”, which he will use to crush human rights protesters because the sound reminds him of “bubble wrap”. Neither Waters nor Pink Floyd could attend the ceremony due to a previously scheduled performance to benefit Pfizer, the ailing drug maker.

On the final night of the event, all guests received free gift bags containing diamond earrings, an iPod Nano pre-loaded with the sounds of Zulus being slaughtered, and gold plated bones of several unidentified African opposition leaders. “I got a femur,” bragged Zutubu Mbruk, son of Congo’s Minister of War. “I have a pinky,” waved Summ Dummi, Crown Prince of Sudan. After dinner, the royal offspring competed to see who would be first to piece together and identify their unlucky bone donor.

---by faktorial.com where brilliant satire fights hunger, stupidity and gingivitis.

http://www.azstarnet.com/news/122807

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Nigeria Pledges Aid to Katrina Victims

In the wake of the killer storm that hit New Orleans and neighboring regions, Nigeria, Congo, Mozambique and other African nations pledged aid to the grief stricken victims. Mbala Kundu, Ambassador from Ethiopia said, "We were outraged by the pain and suffering we saw on television. It is unconscionable." The press conference was temporarily interrupted by the moaning stomachs of several hungry African reporters, who were promptly removed from the room and slaughtered.

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Another Disaster? America Says, "F--- 'em!"

Dear (Insert Disaster Stricken Leader's Name Here),

The recent quake in Pakistan has moved us all deeply. On behalf of the United States, I would like to say, "Are you f--kin' kidding me with this?" Half of the black people in New Orleans are still floating somewhere. We still haven't built anything where the World Trade Center was! And Saddam Hussein looks trim, fit and ready to start cleaning up the money-sucking mess we made in Iraq.

Sure, the Tsunami was a bit depressing - even bumped the last episode of 'Everybody Loves Raymond' by a half hour. Let me tell you, we all felt bad. We coughed up a bunch of cash, tolerated performances by a seventy five year old Modonna - without the bullet bra. And did I mention the lectures by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. BRAD F--KING PITT!?!?! Of course, we soon learned there weren't that many survivors to help, just a ton of new beachfront property for multinational hotels to build on.

Not long after, the US, the richest country in the world, forgot to send buses to keep black people from drowning in a flood. (A flood god promised George Bush and Pat Robertson). Let's face it, by now, no one cared. Most of the whites were out and watching the thing on cable and everything seemed back to normal. We were finally ready for the new season of Desperate Lost Enthusiasm.

Then, God-dammit, another disaster!!! PAKISTAN??? You know, it's just bad timing. I know it was the worst one - like seven gazillion people died. Let's face it, none of them were Nielson households. And none of them shopped at The Gap or knew how to pronounce "Vente Mocchiatta Latte". Sorry, Pakistan. I know you're an ally in the terribly successful war on terror and you've got great patterns and fabrics, but you're on your own.

I hope the fundamentalists are wrong. I really hope it's not God foretelling the coming of the Messiah or the end of the world. I hope it's just part of a bold new marketing campaign for Jesus.

God Bless America. And remember, you're either with us, or you're...uhm...you're not with us.

Sincerely,
faktorial.com - the resting home for brilliance

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Bounty paper Towels Down to One Sheet Per Roll

Dennis Tildon went into his local ShopRite supermarket this evening to buy some last minute groceries. When he got to the paper products aisle, he reached for his favorite paper towel, Bounty. He noticed the roll seemed surprisingly light. After studying the label for forty minutes and converting the Martian centimetric cubic units to inches, he realized the roll only contained one paper towel.

"I clearly remember buying this same exact product last month and it had like 80 sheets for one dollar," said Mr. Tildon. "It's still only a buck, but there's only one f**king towel!" Mr. Swinson then did a quick inventory of his shopping cart. He discovered his Green Giant corn now contains only "corn-flavored water", his $2.19 bag of Doritos was only 28 grams and his batteries weren't included.

Fred Howard, Vice President of paper Products at Proctor and Gamble, the maker of Bounty explained, "We have a strict policy of not raising prices to our valued customers. We have done everything we can to keep retail prices low." Mr. Howard gestured colorfully with his hands as he spoke glowingly of his newest product, Charmin Ultra Natural, the new micron-thin two-play paper, which is now only two inches wide. "Narrower than the iPod Nano!" he exclaimed, as he stroked his well-manicured beard with his chocolatey-brown fingertips.

This trend is surfacing across all product categories. Even web space providers are limiting the amount of free storag

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Head of White People Admits to Staging Hurricane

White Hurricane Targets Blacks

Delays helping the poor, black population of disaster-stricken New Orleans have led to suspicions that whites purposely staged the disaster to eliminate blacks. Today, those suspicions were validated when Colonel John Sanders, the Head of White People (a.k.a. "The Man"), admitted to the nefarious plot.

“To be honest with you, we didn’t think it would work. We had scientists working round the clock to come up with something. Then, lo and behold, there it was!” Mr. Sanders revealed at his press conference from his new home in Baton Rouge. “We must have gotten up at around three A.M., lined up in a row and just started blowing as hard as we could. Who knew, several hundred thousand white people blowing can create that kind of wind? It’s really a tribute to the will and strength of the human spirit.”

As relief efforts stalled and desperate cries for help were ignored by the Republican administration, many Southern whites expressed great optimism. Previous efforts by whites such as menthol cigarettes, carcinogen-laced fried chicken, AIDS, crack and malt liquor have largely failed to eliminate blacks.

When a reporter asked if he felt bad about all the hungry, desperate, black people who could not escape the disaster because they did not own cars, Mr. Sanders paused then replied, “I admire their undying commitment to public transportation and energy conservation.”

When New Orleans is rebuilt, the whites plan to fill all service jobs previously held by blacks with Mexicans. Details on the plan were not available, but Mr. Sanders expressed concern that “Mexicans are much better swimmers” and could present a bigger problem should the plan need to be aborted.

The Head of Blacks, Al Sharpton, was not immediately available for comment.

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Crack Whores Running Late for International Conference; Pimps Demand Equal Rights

Crack Whore Community in Turmoil

Las Vegas - This week’s International Crack Whore Caucus (ICWC), originally scheduled to start on Monday, is now four days behind schedule. Almost 300 of the 500 delegate crack whores are no-shows, including Misty and Bunny, the keynote speakers. Since 1995, when its inaugural 1993 conference was held, the ICWC has sought to communicate best-practices, define new processes and identify unrealized synergies. To date, the ICWC’s greatest accomplishments include raising $574 to dedicate a new crack wing at Highpoint Projects in downtown Detroit and successfully recovering Trixie Trump’s gold tooth after a small disagreement with her pimp following her keynote speech at the 1999 conference.

This week’s conference was to focus on a seemingly ill-conceived plan to replace drug dealers and pimps with a self-managed consortium. The consortium would negotiate prices directly with producers, handle distribution, and organize protection (the one with guns). It is unclear whether this lofty objective will be achieved.

Fluffy, a 40-ish, rail-thin, African American woman with a crooked blonde wig was infuriated by the delay. “I got muthaf--king biznet to conduct. Where deze bitches at? I slap the sh-t ou